Feel incredibly guilty, having regrets

[Nicoleex]

So I did it. I told DH I can no longer tolerate his moods, his drinking, not feeling loved and that I want us to separate. I’ve said it numerous times, we’ve been in a cycle where he improves then goes back to his old ways. The drinking has increased again over the last few months, not to the point where he needs help but enough to cause me worry and pain.

he’s been in tears, blaming himself for not working on us and treating me better. He’s begging me to reconsider. I feel terrible, a lot of guilt as I can’t see anyone upset. If I go back on this, I’ll be a mug. I have to push through his sadness as I’m suffering. I’ve posted numerous times and you’ve all said I only have one life….so why do I feel like shit?? I feel like I’ve hurt him when it’s actually the opposite.

he's been texting nice, loving texts but I know it’s to ease his guilt fir not working on our relationship more. Why do I feel bad?!

Because your a nice person , and his I'm sorry stunt has worked in the past so he'll throw that at you again.
Well done though, stay strong, and in my experience the sorry texts become bitter texts when they realise your not backing down.

Because addicts are very good at making their partners feel responsible for their feelings and emotional wellbeing. It's part of the addict's playbook and it's how they get their needs and addiction enabled. Their partners become codependent and start to feel like they can't walk away but your needs matter too! He's just conditioned you into believing his are more important.

The only way it can resolve itself is if he makes demonstrable actions to resolve this and change. If there is something different this time around like counselling then fine, people can and do change

Thanks, I’m trying to stay strong. He been quite shocked and then the tears came. He’s been telling me he loves me so much, he’ll stop the being an idiot. He’s so sorry how he treated me and he doesn’t blame me, he blames himself. Even now saying he’ll go to marriage counselling!! I’m feeling overwhelmed and incredibly guilty. If he is like this, everyone else am sure will react far worse. I’m going to be seen as a bitch. I feel glad I’ve stood up to him, asked to split up but I feel really scared too, like all this is going to blow up in my face!

It was years ago when I told mine we were over . I can remember him crawling towards me begging for a second chance .
Within the week , I was the bitch from hell , and he was plotting to do everything he could think to make my life as bad as it could be !

Nothing changes, it has been like this for years. If I back down, he’ll think we’re ok agen and then I’ll get ignored and of course his drinking will carry on. I really dont think marriage counselling will help as I can’t put up with his behaviour any more.

oh my god! Are you ok now? I think I’ll just get him being moody and sorry for himself. Everyone will tell me I’ve been cruel to him as he will do the pity act.

Stop letting him use fake apologies and so bing as a get out of jail free card. Its hard to do but just start refusing to accept the apologies at all.

Him: I can’t believe what a fool I’ve been….how can I make it up to you?
[waits for reassurance and forgiveness]

You: “Yes, your behavior has been awful and its too late to make amends.”

Hold firm. All his weeping and wailing is just a form of DARVO but instead of denying the wrong he martyrs himself on it and goes over the top with his self hatred and self abasement so you feel obligated to forgive.

@Nicoleex
I'm fine thanks . at the time not so much , but all good now .
Stay strong .

Stop worrying about what other people think. You are not being cruel.
This man is crying because you are a support person. While he is drinking and being vile and moody, he still gets his needs catered for by you.
When you threaten to leave, he does the pity party and you stay. Rinse and repeat.
He has no reason to stop drinking while he can manipulate you so easily. He can cry, and carry on.
The person who is being cruel and manipulative here is him - he cares about his drinking and himself, and that’s it.
You have to find your anger and live the rest of your life. If he gets worse/drinks more/hits rock bottom then let him. You cannot help him.
If you stay, this will continue until one of you dies, and on the face of it, it will be him. And you will wonder why you wasted your life.
Get some support from Al-Anon and save your own life.

this was me 8 years ago - I totally understand and really sympathise but stay strong and repeat to yourself the reasons you are doing this. It wont take long for him to let his act slip.

When I told me exh it was over he cried, promised to get therapy, said he was sorry etc.... it took all of a 5 minute conversation about him moving to his mums for him to realise how much money he would save not paying for the bills we would normally share - he actually smiled because he couldn't keep the pretence up of being 'sad' when he thought about his bank account. From this moment on I never let myself feel as though it was my fault or feel guilty - it was a long divorce and house sale situation of which he behaved appalling throughout but that moment of reframing my mind gave me so much strength to get through the weeds of divorce ahead.

I am rooting for you. well done for doing the right thing for you.

Guilt is natural. You have nothing to feel guilty for though. He's an adult and has made his choices. Stay strong. You will need to be in the coming months. It will get much brighter, though.

Don't get drawn into this.

He has repeatedly returned to behaviours that he knows are harmful to you. He knows he hasn't worked on your marriage and that he has treated you badly. None of this was enough for him to create permanent change in the past.

This bothers him now because he's facing the consequences of his actions. Previously you'd always taken him back. Previously he got away with it. His promises are from a need to maintain the status quo. They are not out of respect for you.

When someone's drinking causes another's distress, they need to stop drinking. Remember this - the decision to have that first drink was made while they were sober. They know it harms you and they do it anyway.

You have taken a massive step now, don't go back on that. I remember how nervous I was telling my exh I wanted to leave him. He had a similar response and promised the world. I took him back and felt so empty about it whilst he was elated. A year later I had to do it all again and that time I stuck to it. That was 3 years ago and I am so, so happy that I took the step and that I am out of that marriage now and any guilty feelings I had disappeared when I saw what an absolute shit human he was throughout the divorce process. You will feel the same as soon as you are out of this cloud of guilt that us nice people gets hit with.

I never used to believe people could change. However, I ended things with my OH and we were separated for 2 years, in that time he had counselling, saw the GP about his mental health and spent the whole time showing me that he was willing to change. It took me a LONG time to believe it but we took things very slowly and have been happy now for over a year

Just reading all your replies, I appreciate all of you listening to me. Its knocking sense into me! He is definitely using tactics again to get me to back down. I really can’t this time, as someone said, one of us will eventually be destroyed. I feel worn out with it all now.

I’m pleased you worked things out. I don’t think it will be like that for us but I wish it could be. He’s had so many chances.

He’s definitely stepping up his mr nice guy and then acting wounded. Lots of sad sighing last night. I have to stay tough!

Stay strong OP. He has had chances in the past, the time for him to change was then, it's too late now. Don't worry about being the bad guy, you are not. Many relationships end for less reason than what you have given, you likely feel so much guilt because due to his drinking you have developed a sense of responsibility to look after him. He is an adult, let him take his moods and drinking out on someone else. Be free!

Thank you for the boost @regista ,its so hard dealing with the woeful side of him. My guilt and anxiety raises so much, I hope it’s ok to keep posting on here? I know he’ll try to get me to change my mind but I can no longer do this. It’s making me sick.

Stay tough.

You are doing what is best for everyone, even him. Enabling him doesn't do him any favours, as you have seen before. This is HIS best chance to sort his life out too.

Nothing to feel guilty about - and if he really loved you he would support your decision, because he would want what is best for you and would know that he is not what is best for you.

A therapist asked me this once when I was dealing with a very manipulative person. Let’s call him Bob.
The question was:
What would happen to Bob if you died in your sleep tonight?
It felt a bit of a jolt because obviously it sounds awful. But it was more about Bob than me. And the conclusion was - Bob would have to get on with it. Without me to lean on, he would have to learn how to live.
None of us as adults need to sacrifice our own health and wellbeing to give in to someone like this.
I know it’s tough but staying with this man isn’t helping him, it’s enabling him to stay stuck. Never mind that it’s making you ill.
People like him are far more resilient than you think. He may moan and groan, but if you do the right thing, he will actually find a way. Addicts always do.

You are doing the right thing. You feel guilty as you are a nice person.

Get a diary or note book and brain dump. Write down what he has put you through and why you want to leave, its for you to reread when you start to question what you are doing and whenhe trues to guikt trip you. Also keep posting, even if it is just to log your progress and to reaffirm what an idiot he can be. You've got this.

Hi OP, stay strong. Be your own protector.
I split with my drinker DH last spring.
He spent a few months doing well, thinking hard, saying insightful things.
Asking to meet me and crying about how he'd lost me.

I got hoovered and said yes OK, we could try, he could move back in. I set some boundaries.

The day before move day just before Christmas, we had an inoccuos convo about our dog. He must've had his guard down, thinking it was all settled, bcos those dismissive entitled attitudes just peeped through...he'd only talked about the dog, but I knew then that he'd just wait to come back and then be the same as ever.

I cancelled the reconciliation the day before it was to take place and the week before Christmas! Talk about bitch!
Never done anything quite so assertive before. But I deserve better.

If people want to think I'm a bitch, fine. They don't know. 10 years I tried with him to "help" and work on strengthening our love. Pah.

You're right to do this. You've tried. He's not interested in change.

Whatever other people might think, they don't have to live with him. And I bet they all see who he is, just thought you were prepared to put up with it. Well, no longer OP!

He's doing this because he can and it's worked for him in the past. You need to stand firm and not be swayed by his manipulation because this is what it is. He will lie because alcoholics do this and he will lie to you repeatedly. He will likely become angry when he finally realises his gravy train i.e life with you as his codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you do not forget) is coming to an end. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this has related to your own behaviour in this relationship.

Consider seeking legal advice if you have not already done this and from this start divorce proceedings. Free yourself from him legally and rebuild your life without this alcoholic in it. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has now started; continue with that for your own sake.