Can there be ANY excuse for this after a 40 plus year friendship since childhood??

[FEDUP1969]

We've been friends since secondary school, over 40 years now, never any issues, see each other around 4 / 5 times a year. I met my friend 5 weeks ago for an evening out. The day before I'd been for results following a breast biopsy at the hospital following being recalled after a mammogram a month earlier.

I told her all about it (I wouldn't have texted her about it but seeing as we were meeting up ..). I told her how traumatic it was, I was bloodied, bruised and bandaged after the biopsy and the hospital still weren't happy with the results. I would need to go back in a few weeks after the bruising had calmed down for a further invasive biopsy. I told her how terrified I had been at my initial appointment and had asked the question - will I need a masectomy? The nurse (not the doctor) said probably not, from what she could see on the screen, whatever it was they had caught early), but they couldn't rule out surgery as it was all unknown.

Five weeks later I haven't heard a thing from her about it (apart from asking me for some recommendations re where she is going on holiday) 3 weeks ago.

I'm shocked and deeply hurt, and quite angry about it. Not sure what do do. To be honest it's overshadowed me worrying about the results of the second biopsy as I can't believe it. She's had various things wrong with her over the years, nothing life threatening, and I've sat and listened to it all in detail, and followed up as appropriate.

The only excuse would be early onset dementia! I can't think what else would prevent her from contacting me! She may think I need to update her, I really don't know, she never once said keep me updated. The ball was firmly in her court to contact me and find out about results etc.

I was going to give it until the weekend and ask her if everything is ok, has something happened? I suspect she will say no, she's been busy. There really is NO excuse, even if one of her parents was ill.

I can't just forget this has happened. I got the all clear yesterday but don't feel any better about her.

What do I do?? It's dominating my thoughts. I've never been ill before, never had a single thing wrong with me so never spoken to her about anything health related, but as I've said above, I've listened to her dozens of times, in DETAIL.

How can she have forgotten?

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this pummelling and worry about the biopsy and have the lack of support from your friend on top of it.

I would tell her how upset you are. If she doesn't step up then it doesn't sound like you've lost a core part of your support network anyway, better to find out sooner.

Is it possible that due to her own health issues, she now thinks a lot of health anxiety is wasted energy, and she knows from her experience that usually there is treatment and the tests are exploratory and should not trigger immediate panic.

She might just be sick to her back teeth of health conversations, which is unfair as she offloaded to you.

Maybe she is simply selfish.

She might also be absent minded or numb due to menopause.

I’d talk to her.

Personally - my guess would be that she may be afraid to ask. People have different boundaries around health and privacy, especially around cancer. And culturally - in some its OK to be direct, while in others it’d be intrusive.

Did she have a drink? Sometimes, honestly, big news slips my mind if I hear it at the beginning of an evening out.

I feel I may as well have told her I had an Ingrowing toenail or a verruca! I know 100% she's never had a cancer scare and the majority of women would sympathise/empathise with anyone going through breast biopsies.

I'm going through the menopause, it hasn't given me memory loss or changed my personality so I just don't care.

She's not afraid to ask , that certainly wouldn't be an issue. I'd understand that if we were acquaintances. Re alcohol we had a lot less than usual as she's trying to cut down

Can anyone on here really imagine telling a close lifelong friend they were going through investigations for possible breast cancer and hearing nothing from them in 5 weeks?? Not even to ask when my next biopsies were?

I’m sorry I understand how upsetting it is. I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago. Before it happened if you had asked me who would be my greatest supports during a crisis like that I would have named my two closest friends. They completely abandoned me. Never visited in hospital, during 4 months of chemo they each came once, stayed 10 minutes looking terrified and then left. They would respond to texts but it was mostly driven by me.

Fortunately other friends stepped up and my husband is amazing. But it was awful realising that if things had gone badly (fortunately I have had a positive outcome) then my closest friends wouldn’t be there by my side.

I haven’t ended the friendship but I definitely prioritise other relationships now.

Thats the thing I don't want to have a knee jerk reaction and end the friendship but I have to tackle her about it don't I? Otherwise there will be no resolution in my mind.

How can I ask her about an upcoming big holiday for her partner's 65th birthday when she can't contact me about this? Ordinarily I would text her to see how it went.

Unfortunately these things happen.

similar situation.. friendship since secondary school. Told her I had cancer… crickets.

told her I was recovering from a mastectomy, her response was to tell me she was going to Portugal in September.

I do think about it. I am sad about it. But she has told me who she is. And I am fighting for my life , so will concentrate on that.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this OP. Sending hugs. In times of crisis you certainly find out how self absorbed people can be. It was an enlightenment for me personally when I was suddenly widowed (DH died at age 47). I didn't want people to fawn or fall over me, but that was just as bloody well. So many people either ignored me or would say things like "have a great weekend" literally the weekend after he dropped dead. It's not about fear of confronting diffcult issues, that's bullshit. It doesn't take much imagination, time or energy to ask someone if they're OK. It's just complete self centredness. When things go wrong you discover how "me, me, me" the world really is.

Sorry to hear what you've been through, that must have been so worrying.

But I really think you're focussing on the wrong things. If you know she cares about you, and you want to talk about it, then message her and update her and I'm sure her response will demonstrate that she does indeed care about you and is very happy for you.

Why sit there seething waiting for her to pass a test she doesn't know she's sitting? It's not like you're incapacitated in some way and need her to check on you.

I think your expectations here are out. She may have wanted to give you space or think that my mentioning it she would upset you. She’s probably thinking that you’ll mention it if or when you’re ready. I’ve had various health scares recently (including cancer) and some friends checked in and others didn’t. Honestly I didn’t want to be asked all of the time. It’s been refreshing to not have to discuss or mention it. You know what you would do if the situation was reversed but don’t project this onto her. You sound very angry and need to find a way to manage this and talk to her about it calmly.

I’ve just gone through breast surgery and biopsies. I told my friends I was having surgery soon and why. Then after I got the (thankfully negative) biopsy results I let them though and they were delighted for me and pleased that I’d told them. I didn’t expect them to check in on me during the time between the surgery and the results, to be honest. They correctly assumed I would talk about when I had an update or wanted support, and they didn’t want to keep bringing it up unprompted. They were right to think I’d want space, although that wasn’t something we’d discussed. Maybe your friend thought you’d want that kind of space too?

Honestly I could completely see me doing this. I’m not proud of it but I’m scatterbrained and my life is chaotic.

I’ve had friends and family members tell me about upcoming medical issues and I make a mental note (or sometimes even an actual diary note) to ask about it, but unless I’m holding my phone and completely free when the reminder pings, it will completely leave my conscious mind.

There may well be a nagging feeling that I’ve forgotten something important and once I speak to them I’ll feel terrible for forgetting, but I promise it isn’t a lack of care.

Its like a lack of object permanence - my whole life is just dealing with the thing directly in front of me at this moment.

My bedroom is a tip because I only remember it needs tidying when I go up to bed.

My car is constantly in need of some maintenance and a good clean because I only realise it needs doing while driving, then the minute I’m in the house it’s gone.

I’ve forgotten countless birthdays despite numerous reminders on my phone, even when I have a card sitting waiting to be written.

I suspect its ADHD but of course I won’t get around to finding out because I only remember when I’m conscious of all my flaws, like writing this.

I know I will have lost friends and pissed off family because of it. I’ve tried to do better. But life is exhausting. The only saving grace for me is that I also keep my own issues to myself too, so at least I’m not a hypocrite.

But please don’t jump to the worst conclusion. Your friend may well be a caring but scatty bugger who will be mortified when she realises what she’s forgotten. She may also just be a selfish bitch, but if you speak to her you’ll get a better idea of which it is.

Glad you got the all clear btw

I think your expectations are a bit off kilter. Lots of people my age have health issues and are having tests. She may have her own worries. Just update her if you are wanting support from her.

I get where you're coming from about space and not wanting to pry and be too intrusive but there is a balance and to hear not a single thing after 5 weeks is poor.

Would she usually message you first, or are you the main instigator in messaging?

This is my thinking too, she may have been waiting for you to feel ready to share rather than feeling bombarded by messages?

People deal with health news in different ways, I’d understand a friend waiting to hear news than ask, and I’d view someone not offering information that they were processing some news or may not be ready to discuss just yet.

I think you should message your friend OP.

The only thing you can do to get some clarity here is to speak to her directly and tell her how upset you are.
After 40 years, I would want the other person to know. And I wouldn’t do it by text, I would call her and explain it to her the way you’ve explained it to us.
The only thing I can think of, playing devil’s advocate, is that she’s turned up for a catch up with her friend and has not coped with the traumatic details of your hospital visit.
I am not excusing her by any means. My friends know I will always be there for them, but for reasons known to them, I don’t do well with the finer details. I have been known to freeze in these situations. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, but afterwards I feel deeply ashamed.
However, I would never knowingly then avoid such a close friend or not be there for them.
I have a major long term health condition and have lost so many friends. And it’s not fair that you’ve supported this friend and she’s gone missing.
Speak to her. If she’s evasive or doesn’t want to talk, then that’s appalling.

I think I'd feel awkward and intrusive about asking you further in her position. Everyone has different boundaries in regards to health and as this thread shows, some people would want to be asked about it and some would prefer not to.
She should have sent an "you ok?" message, but this would certainly not be enough to end a friendship for me.
Sorry you've had a shit time OP. Glad you've had the all-clear.

I think from my viewpoint, I never worry unless I have conclusive results, therefore I don't naturally think others would worry until they had a result. I would let them update me rather than me enquire, I feel to enquire is an invasion of privacy into their private medical matters, and that they would tell me if they wanted me to know. I never ask, how did it go as I think the news could be bad and they might want to process it and then speak to me when they are ready. This even goes to long standing friends.

It's shitty behaviour, it really is

There's no excuse at all. She should be reaching out

I'm sorry op, sounds like you've been through the mill

I get having a biopsy is worrying but many, many women have them (including me) and most of them don’t come back as cancer. Maybe she thought you were being dramatic when you describe yourself as bloodied bruised and bandaged-biopsies are a tad invasive as they have to get samples-and it isn’t uncommon to have to repeat if the results are indeterminate. Maybe she could have been more sympathetic as you obviously found it difficult to but to end a long friendship? And you got the all clear-that’s good news isn’t it?