Can there be ANY excuse for this after a 40 plus year friendship since childhood??

[FEDUP1969]

We've been friends since secondary school, over 40 years now, never any issues, see each other around 4 / 5 times a year. I met my friend 5 weeks ago for an evening out. The day before I'd been for results following a breast biopsy at the hospital following being recalled after a mammogram a month earlier.

I told her all about it (I wouldn't have texted her about it but seeing as we were meeting up ..). I told her how traumatic it was, I was bloodied, bruised and bandaged after the biopsy and the hospital still weren't happy with the results. I would need to go back in a few weeks after the bruising had calmed down for a further invasive biopsy. I told her how terrified I had been at my initial appointment and had asked the question - will I need a masectomy? The nurse (not the doctor) said probably not, from what she could see on the screen, whatever it was they had caught early), but they couldn't rule out surgery as it was all unknown.

Five weeks later I haven't heard a thing from her about it (apart from asking me for some recommendations re where she is going on holiday) 3 weeks ago.

I'm shocked and deeply hurt, and quite angry about it. Not sure what do do. To be honest it's overshadowed me worrying about the results of the second biopsy as I can't believe it. She's had various things wrong with her over the years, nothing life threatening, and I've sat and listened to it all in detail, and followed up as appropriate.

The only excuse would be early onset dementia! I can't think what else would prevent her from contacting me! She may think I need to update her, I really don't know, she never once said keep me updated. The ball was firmly in her court to contact me and find out about results etc.

I was going to give it until the weekend and ask her if everything is ok, has something happened? I suspect she will say no, she's been busy. There really is NO excuse, even if one of her parents was ill.

I can't just forget this has happened. I got the all clear yesterday but don't feel any better about her.

What do I do?? It's dominating my thoughts. I've never been ill before, never had a single thing wrong with me so never spoken to her about anything health related, but as I've said above, I've listened to her dozens of times, in DETAIL.

How can she have forgotten?

Seems like some people on here have never been/had a friend on their lives!! Give me a break, never enquire into health, that's what people do!

A simple 'how are you??' is such an open ended question it's pretty difficult to offend, let's face it

I ended a friendship for similar @FEDUP1969. My teenage stepson had leukemia, I was so upset about his diagnosis that when I met my friend shortly after I'd heard his news, I poured my heart out.

I could tell she was waiting for me to finish so she could talk about something else. She never once asked how he was, and I don't think would have subsequently remembered he was ill.

I just cut her out of my life, stopped replying to her messages and ghosted her. I need better from anyone I want to call a friend.

Sending love x

One of my friends, not closest friend but close enough for her to ring and tell me, was diagnosed with cancer
After her surgery I messaged to say hope all had gone well, not to worry if she didn't feel up to replying but was thinking about her
I understand not to bombard but you can send 'thinking of you' type messages so they can respond when they feel able
Your friend sounds selfish OP. I'd be tempted to reply 'sorry can't help with holiday advice as I have too much on my mind with health issue'

Good God, as ever on here, so many people bending over backwards to excuse the inexcusable. Of course she should have contacted you, OP! Anyone normal would have done, anyone with an ounce of common decency and a modicum of common sense would have asked for an update or sent a card or a kindly worded text. That’s what friends do! After 40 years, as you say, the only real excuse/explanation is dementia - either that or she is so incredibly selfish and self absorbed that she is not your friend at all.

As an aside, as others have said, people never cease to amaze me. When a close family member had cancer, it was interesting to see who stepped up and who didn’t. It really wasn’t who I’d have expected. People often show their true colours in times of crisis.

How is she normally about any “ big things” like work problems, moving house, relationship problems, problems with kids, strain of elderly relatives that have happened in your life over the 40 yrs you have known her, is she normally supportive and caring? If so maybe she’s just shit at knowing what to say about health worries and I would probably let her know I was a bit disappointed but not break off the friendship.
if she is NOT normally supportive and caring about your big life events but it hasn’t bothered you too much before because it hasn’t been due to scary health concerns, and it’s just hit home to you now then I would reconsider the friendship or keep it as a fair weather friendship and not rely on her for support.

My problem often is that I forget to check in with people and then by the time I remember it’s way too late. Then I sit there in agony trying to figure out what to do and end up doing nothing and lose friendships.

just because you’ve known someone a long time as well doesn’t mean they are as good a friend as you’d like them to be - maybe you are just a better friend to her than she is to you

To be honest if she wasn't supportive abd caring for the most part I doubt we would have remained friends for such a long time, which is why this is upsetting and puzzling at the same time. Like I've said above only dementia would excuse her behaviour. It really is unexpected. I'm not looking for her "support" just a one minute text to ask if I've heard anything yet and am I OK. It would take ONE minute.

How are you normally about health related matters, might she have heard it all before? Is there a possibility that she thought you were overegging it? Sorry, sounds harsh I'm just trying to think what she might be thinking!

I have a couple of friends and every illness is usually a big drama and while I do message and ask how things, the health scares do get a bit repetitive.

Glad that you got the all clear .

I had this with a similar length of friendship. I supported her through the many, many updates and talking about her friend's partner who sadly died (she had never mentioned him even once before this, and I didn't know him, but I listened for literal hours and extended honest kindness a lot, and even ended up befriending the partner of the guy who sadly passed away).

When one of my close friends died young leaving behind a young child (suddenly and unexpected) I heard absolutely fuck all from her. She never even broached it til I directly mentioned how much I was struggling with grief, then she texted the most cut-and-paste thoughtless "sympathy" message. I was incredibly hurt by her complete lack of care, and I've pulled right back from the friendship. It will never be the same for me again and I'll never invest the same depth in the friendship as before.

Sometimes I think of what might happen if one of my parents passes away and she might not be there for me adequately... i dont know if it's a coping mechanism, like we are putting the emphasis on this issue with our friends OP, rather than looking directly at the pain of the death (or in your case, the health worries). Like a distraction? But the bottom line is, it's not good enough. And it truly hurts, like a relationship break up I'd say. Like I don't know who she really is, it has become. They should be there for us. And yet friendship is a choice, they are free to choose to be this way, all we can do is manage our own expectations and boundaries.

I know everyone has things going on in their lives, but sometimes people are just shit. I expect better now I'm in perimenopause, it's like the scales have been lifted, I'm not tolerating people's lack of care any more. I'm worth more. And so are you.

Yes, I’m afraid I can. Both my parents got terminal diagnoses within 6 months of each other. Friends they had known for decades just…. vanished. Not a peep. Others, mercifully, came out in force. It was extraordinary how some people who were really just acquaintances at the start of it all became really solid friends who we could rely on and the ones we imagined would step up, just didn’t. I find it unforgivable personally. I can’t explain it but it’s a thing.

Very glad you got the all clear OP.

I completely understand op, I wouldn't be like that but have had a similar thing happen to me.
I had a suspected stroke, brain injury or other neurological issue where i suddenly collapsed unconscious and had to be rushed to a&e. I've seen two neurologists, has MRIs and expensive bloods.
I've been recovering for many months. It was too much to explain to my "best friend" so I basically said what I've written here and she's not been in touch since Xmas.

I've drawn a line under it now. I can't forgive her for her lack of interest or care and it made me question our whole relationship and see it in a different light.

Like you said, your friend would share in detail, and you would listen. That was your dynamic and she's never had to reciprocate until now.

It is very hurtful but I think like me you will move through this anger and questioning and come to realise you're worth more, it's not you, it's her 💐

Nope I would not be happy either. I don't buy the excuses people have made for her on here either. If a close friend told me something like that I would be sure to check in with them. It really does show you care and are thinking about them.
I do believe though that sadly friendships can falter because of the difference in opinion of what a friendship actually means. I'm currently phasing out a friend who literally never asks about me other than 'how are you' or my kids who she never bothers about but will send me paragraphs of whatever drama is going on with her.
Obviously its up to you what you do now. I would probably be petty enough to send something slightly sarcastic like 'in case you were wondering.........' and then leave it there.

Thanks everyone. I'm one of those rare people who's never been ill, and I'm very rarely at the doctors so this really is the first time I've ever confided in her about anything health related.

I think you need to ask her since you are so upset. Arrange to meet and say you were expecting to hear from her about your tests.
My formerly closest friend did something similar when I had a major operation. Emailed after a month saying she’d been wondering how I was! We’re still friends but I don’t think of her as someone I can call on any more. Things change.

Agreed. People respond in different ways to other people’s worrying test results. I have a friend who would phone me all the time after I had an unclear biopsy that needed further investigation and never mention it — it was her way of checking in. Her view was that when or if I had news I would communicate it as and when I wanted. I have another friend who once told me that he chooses not to worry about something until there’s actual bad news. Another person I told because I thought he would be quite indifferent (and I would have found that soothing) was far more caring than I’d expected and actually drove me to the hospital and collected me.

I think it’s best to tell people clearly what you’d like from them.

I think you need to talk to her. Sometimes people simply dont know whether they need to talk, what to say or when in these situations; it doesn't matter whether you are 20 or 50. Maybe she waited for you to update her and decided you dont want to discuss it as you haven't said anything.

What did she say immediately after hearing your scary news? Did she say anything at all? Its a tricky situation, and I would definitely try to understand why she behaved in this way before dropping her completely.

Edited: Glad you are ok, OP - you need to concentrate on that.

I agree with the PP who said that maybe you’re being a bit dramatic, possibly because you’re normally not ill (people who’ve never had anesthesia before, I’ve noticed, also very easily lose all sense of proportion). Breast biopsies post mammogram are extremely common and very routine. I’ve had one, obviously was a bit worried it might turn up positive (it didn’t - very lucky) and reconciled that in my mind. But the biopsy itself is really not a big deal. Mentioned it to a few people in the course of planning other things. Not once expected anyone to ask after me: I wouldn’t ask after anyone I see 4/5 times a year if they said they’re having their wisdom teeth out, and that’s far more invasive and painful! It’s just a thing that lots of people go through, not a big deal, risk of things going wrong are miniscule. If it turns out to be cancerous, that’s when I would expect people I care about to ask after me.

Or are you sad she didn’t ask for the biopsy result?

No, I'd ask. However, I have experience of a friend going through cancer and it's not The Big C to me any more. I saw my friend through her entire journey, from dropping her off to her initial routine mammogram through accompanying her to her chemo and radiology, to helping her decide on wigs, and on to a celebration when her treatment was over. I'm not squeamish but plenty of people are, and some have seen relatives die from the cursed disease, making them really fear it and not really know how to respond when a friend mentions it. There are also many who have seen people close to them come through cancer and thrive afterwards - it might be that she wasn't as worried about cancer as you are.

You meet her 4/5 times a year, and from your description of your meet up, it came across as a less than cosy, intimate thing - more of a night out. I don't know how much you're in contact in between seeing each other in person, and you say you didn't want to talk about this over text, but maybe the news came as such a shock to her right then and there that she needs a little time to process it. Pr, as mentioned, she's blasé about cancer.

I'd give her a text with an update when you have your next biopsy. (Hopefully they won't leave you in such bad physical shape after the next one). Keep your expectations in check. This update would be a little test for her.

I hope you'll reach out to cancer support networks who can offer a shoulder to cry on. Ask your medical team to signpost you to support.

Maybe your friend is of the same attitude as me, i.e. medical investigations are just that, they aren't diagnoses, so unpleasant but nothing more. A biopsy isn't a cancer scare necessarily, it could be a cyst, blocked duct etc.

Also, since you mentioned that your friend has in the past shared her health issues in detail, is it possible she sees the sharing of health news as a dramatic indulgence/ attention ploy on her part and thinks you're the same? In other words, none of her health issues were crises for her and she can't appreciate that this issue of yours is a big one? A failure in the putting yourself in someone else's shoes department, in other words...

As you don’t see each other very regularly I think perhaps your expectations are a bit high for the relationship. Also I think we end up feeling most disappointed when we expect people to behave exactly as we do. You would want to know she was ok if it was her, but she might come from the perspective that no news is good news, so assumes you are ok.

I find these days a lot of people broadcast about their lives rather than wait for questions. I often receive messages from people with an update about their lives and not even a question about myself. I think a lot of people these days almost communicate like they are writing a status update on social media, even though they used to be able to hold normal conversations in the past, it could be your friend has veered into that style of communicating and she is just waiting for an update from you!

I would absolutely be hurt!

Has she not even texted a “hello how are you?” message.

My only thought is that she doesn’t want to speak to you about it over text and doesn’t want to bring it up unless you do.

But if she’s not even texted asking how you are, then I’d be very upset.

I always text my friends “Hey, you ok? …..” At the start of every message and so it is then up to them to tell me or not.

I would feel hurt too. I know people are busy, but it takes seconds to type 'Hey thinking of you, let me know how you get on with your next appointment' or whatever.

People are very wrapped up in their own lives nowadays. It's a normal part of friendship to give each other a bit of emotional support. It's hardly a big ask if a long term friend to care about your anxiety around a cancer scare. And it's not being intrusive, OP has already shared everything!

I can't imagine not having the basic human decency to ask a friend how they were doing in this situation.

I would not actually tell anyone if I was having tests. I would say if I needed treatment. I prefer to keep things private and I haven’t had anyone check in on me when I did tell them about an operation I needed - I could have lost my sight. It’s not that they don’t care, they just prefer facts, not the process of finding out. She obviously didn’t pick up on your needs OP and maybe you are not compatible as friends. I haven’t stopped being friends with anyone but health scares are pretty common now and aren’t necessarily a huge drama. Losing my sight in one eye could have been but friends didn’t need to know the ins and outs of it.

Just message her that you’re hurt she hasn’t been in contact while you’ve been going through something truly terrifying and hard.

I’m sorry OP. Sounds like she’s more used to taking than giving in this respect.