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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you bring it up?

35 replies

noideamumma · 03/04/2025 09:51

In need of some opinions please!!

Me and my partner have had a little rough patch recently where he had betrayed my trust, not physical cheating but hiding of innocent messages between him and work colleague as he knew i wouldnt like it (even though we all know eachother)

Anyway, we have sorted through this i have set boundaries he is getting the help he has needed for a long time for various reasons and we genuinely are making great progress and i can see the change!

However a comment he had made a good few months ago seems to play on my mind ‘guys only have girl friends that they wanna fuck’…now in my mind if you and this colleague were just friends then surley you hold to this comment you made…and did indeed wanna fuck her?

Do i bring this up now…even though its from the past and will most likely cause an issue?

thanks :)

OP posts:
WakingUpToReality · 03/04/2025 09:54

I’d be less worried about if he fancied his female friend and more worried about his general opinion of women, OP.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 03/04/2025 09:57

Do you think you can ever fully trust him?

Original poster
noideamumma · 03/04/2025 09:58

@wakingUpToRealityhow do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
noideamumma · 03/04/2025 09:58

@ThaTrìCaitAgamcurrently i do not 100% but i can see me being able to with time

OP posts:
EyrieEaglesnest · 03/04/2025 09:59

If the messages were innocent then he wouldn't have hidden them.

You would be perfectly entitled and reasonable to ask him about his comment in relation to his friendship with his colleague. Or in relation to any other woman he is friendly with.
If he so obviously only sees women just as sex objects I don't think he is a trustworthy partner.

BlondeMummyto1 · 03/04/2025 10:03

I think you need to have a proper conversation or leave because it sounds like it will be a reoccurring thing, you’ll never trust him, he will see you as nagging and then he will use it as an excuse to go and cheat.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 03/04/2025 10:04

You don't need to take this man on as a project while he gets help (for what?), he's meant to be making your life easier and fun.
He views women as objects for males to 'fuck', so doesn't sound like an intelligent feminist worth dating.

Original poster
noideamumma · 03/04/2025 10:06

I just want to add that he understands his wrong doing, he is not one for opening up emotionally so therapy has helped with that a lot, we communicate really nicely now and discuss the issue freely…i just dont want to add fire to a past comment he made and potentially cause an issue when he is doing right

OP posts:
Cognacsoft · 03/04/2025 10:08

Men have no need to change their appalling behaviour as long as women ‘give them chances to improve.’
If every man got dumped if he even tried to play the field or used misogynistic language they would learn very quickly that bad behaviour leads to a single, celibate life.

EyrieEaglesnest · 03/04/2025 10:11

noideamumma · 03/04/2025 10:06

I just want to add that he understands his wrong doing, he is not one for opening up emotionally so therapy has helped with that a lot, we communicate really nicely now and discuss the issue freely…i just dont want to add fire to a past comment he made and potentially cause an issue when he is doing right

If you discuss things openly and communicate well I don't understand why your talking about this should be a problem.
The comment was a pretty serious statement of a view point about men and women relationships. It's obviously preying on your mind. So discussing it is surely important.

womenarehuman · 03/04/2025 10:15

You should be able to bring up anything with a partner; you shouldn't be having to ask here if it's OK or not. What is the biggest potential negative repercussion if you tell him that something he said makes/made you uncomfortable? At worst, he might just say that you misunderstood something, and the two of you can talk about and brainstorm how to communicate better. These are normal, daily conversations that a couple in a healthy relationship should be able to have.

Are you specifically working on his misogyny via therapy? It's really difficult, because in our society misogyny is generally reinforced and rewarded; he's going to have to really have an understanding of why it's wrong in order to be able to overcome it.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 03/04/2025 10:16

Cognacsoft · 03/04/2025 10:08

Men have no need to change their appalling behaviour as long as women ‘give them chances to improve.’
If every man got dumped if he even tried to play the field or used misogynistic language they would learn very quickly that bad behaviour leads to a single, celibate life.

Absolutely

Low quality, poorly behaved men should be single until they correct themselves. It would stamp out misogyny in swathes.

PriscillaQueen · 03/04/2025 10:25

Ask him whatever you want and need to. Otherwise it will always bother you. I don’t think I could ever trust a man like this again and as such, personally I would feel the relationship was over. A man who loved and respected his partner wouldn’t be entertaining any other woman in any sort of inappropriate way.

Smorgasfjord · 03/04/2025 10:27

Have you also posted about him not being able to cum? Same syntax and spelling errors.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 03/04/2025 10:31

There's another thread about this man, he sounds utterly worthless. Stop walking on eggshells, find your strength and free yourself of him.

TwistedWonder · 03/04/2025 11:09

Cognacsoft · 03/04/2025 10:08

Men have no need to change their appalling behaviour as long as women ‘give them chances to improve.’
If every man got dumped if he even tried to play the field or used misogynistic language they would learn very quickly that bad behaviour leads to a single, celibate life.

Absolutely. If these men are continually given allowances by women for their misogynistic, lying cheating behaviour they know there’s no consequences and they can carry on acting like complete tools while the women tie themselves in knots running around trying to change him.

EyrieEaglesnest · 03/04/2025 11:23

I see OP you posted a thread last year which is quite enlightening about his attitude to you and women in general.
Communication with him was a big issue for you then.
I'm afraid it doesn't come over as though he sees your partnership as between equals.

dudsville · 03/04/2025 11:27

You think he's be trustworthy in time? Unless he's a kid and still learning those life lessons, I would move on and wait for someone who has the qualities right now that I want.

Bourbonbonbon · 03/04/2025 11:30

He obviously cannot have female friends while in a relationship then. And it may have been innocent in that nothing happened but there were feelings on his side. I wouldn't trust him.

Semiramide · 03/04/2025 11:35

WakingUpToReality · 03/04/2025 09:54

I’d be less worried about if he fancied his female friend and more worried about his general opinion of women, OP.

Quite.

I'd 'throw this one back ', in MN speak...

RuffledKestrel · 03/04/2025 11:42

How does he act with you interacting with male friends, colleagues, acquaintances?
Does he controls conversations with them when you are talking? Does he try and stop you spending time with them?

If he thinks guys only speak to women they want to fuck then I wouldn't be the least but surprised if he is controlling or jealous of any male friendships you have.

TwistedWonder · 03/04/2025 11:47

Just read your previous thread - this man has daughters and he only thinks women are worth having as friends if they’re fuckable? He’s a misogynistic prick

And from your other thread he’s a controlling manipulative bully who sees you as beneath him - and tbh that’s probably because he’s a sexist tosser who thinks women should know their place.

davindersangha · 03/04/2025 14:18

He and you are correct. If you have female friends (but out of a work context) then it's true. However, our definition of friends is different from yours. I'd consider all my female work colleagues as friends, but I wouldn't hang out with them after work, unless it was a social occasion. They're friends due to working together and it's unlikely I'd randomly make friends with a grown woman unless I had intentions. If he considers her a friend and they do the same as what you'd do with your friends (coffees, shopping, etc.) then it's a bit of a no go.

NameChangedOfc · 03/04/2025 14:22

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 03/04/2025 10:16

Absolutely

Low quality, poorly behaved men should be single until they correct themselves. It would stamp out misogyny in swathes.

Show quote history

Completely agree. Elimination from the gene pool too.

BobbyBiscuits · 03/04/2025 14:42

He sounds absolutely charming.

It's definitely not true that people can't have platonic friends of the opposite sex. I don't think any of my male friends want to fuck me?! And if we were single and they did and I wanted to as well then I would do. So what?

He seems like he's saying he's getting help etc, but it's more like he's trying to make excuses for his poor behaviour. So I doubt he'll change much.

And yes he probably was trying to fuck his colleague. Else why hide the messages?