Scared my partner is checking out teenagers

[Mooninlibra]

Hi,

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have been having really bad anxiety during this third trimester. A few years ago I found out my dad was looking at inappropriate images of children online, this really traumatized me and when I told my then partner he did not support me and just found it funny, so we ended up breaking up.

Since getting pregnant with my current partner, I have been very paranoid that he could also be attracted to underage girls especially after finding out we are having a daughter. Recently we were sitting in a resturant and I saw my partner look someone up and down so turned to look and a girl maybe around 10 years old who was wearing shorts and a cast on her leg was standing there, a little while later he looked over again and then i saw him looking behind him and I was worried he was trying to look for her so I pointed it out. We ended up having an argument about it, he said he was just looking because she had a massive cast on her leg. Yesterday we were in a supermarket and some kids in uniform came in and he looked at one of the girls, then driving home, a teenager in shorts was walking by and I saw him staring as she walked.
I got worried again and it made him upset saying he does not like how I see him and wants us to go to couples therapy as he thinks I don't trust him because of my past history with men.

I can't stop thinking about these incidents but I am not sure if it's hormones and I'm paranoid and overthinking it all. He has adhd so he does look around at people alot, but as I'm having a daughter i just feel so scared and protective. Please could you advise?

If he’s willing to go to therapy together, why not start there?

10 makes him a paedophile. Are you sure you're not just being paranoid? I would probably look at someone in a big leg cast.

Also bear in mind you BOTH are having a daughter. You can’t just cut the father out over some baseless feelings. When you found out your dad was looking at children. What did the police say when he was arrested for looking at indecent images of children ?

Agreed, I think you may be projecting a bit. Looking at children is not the same as ‘checking them out’. He might have been looking for other reasons - odd hairstyle, they were being obnoxious, was wearing odd socks.

Do you think you are maybe being paranoid because of your anxiety?
Stop or it will eat you up and destroy you

Looking at someone wearing a cast on their leg, even a child, doesn't make that person 'attracted to children'. Your experience with your Dad, is causing you to project your own feelings and you are 'seeing' nefarious intentions in ordinary situations. Have you sought any professional help for your anxiety? If not, you need to do this. You also need to seek help regarding the situation with your Dad, this has clearly left you with trauma. You need to address this asap, because if you don't, you will end up driving your partner away.

Hi, are you sure your anxiety haven’t turned into OCD ? That’s one off the symptoms, it’s horrible

Anxiety and trauma from your dad

I look at children - not staring of course but because I work with them and have 3 of my own so I’m interested/ curious of other children/teenagers. I might be thinking I like their hairstyle or that their clothes look cool, or wondering if they are a friend of my DCs or if younger that they look cute or remind me of my own child when they were little etc etc I definitely would have glanced briefly at the girl with the cast because I would have been wondering how she did it etc. Looking is definitely different from “checking out”.

Teenagers whether underage or not men will look as will women doesn't mean they are thinking anything untoward.

The fear came before what you are accusing him of. You are looking for it and misinterpreting. Stop looking for it and get help asap before you ruin your relationship and motherhood.
This is about your anxiety about becoming a mum - let me tell you, you WILL make mistakes and get things wrong. And you will cope and learn. But over control and anxiety are NOT the answer to your uncertainties, you have to learn to live with the reality that life is messy and unpredictable and we are all just doing our best.

People look around them. I look at people all the time, people walking past me in the street, people entering and leaving the cafe I'm in. I'll look at teenage boys and girls, little kids at the park. I'm not a pedophile.

Harsh

Op you’re suffering from trauma following what happened with your Father. If I were you I’d apologise to your partner and take up his suggestion of therapy to help you become free of these intrusive thoughts.

@Bloompetal that’s also very harsh. TheOP is very clearly struggling and is full of pregnancy hormones on top, there’s nothing to say she can’t get some help to overcome her intrusive thoughts and have loving , healthy relationship with her partner and her child. Life isn’t black and white fgs.

To be honest I would stare at a massive cast on a kids leg! You don’t see it all that often. It sounds like he’s just glancing at people like we all do. I have had anxiety and ocd though and I do know how much it consumes you. Please speak to your gp/midwife/health visitor

Can't imagine the mindset of someone who reads a thread by a clearly vulnerable, clearly clinically anxious heavily pregnant woman who is dealing with trauma, and thinks to themselves "I'm going to write her a nasty message to try and make her feel worse".

The irony of one of those PP telling OP to "get help".

Btw, when I was in the grips of post natal anxiety/ocd I had fleeting thoughts in my mind about not wanting to leave my dh bathing our dd alone. Completely irrational and so beyond normality it was actually this that made me speak out.

What’s your advice?

Glad you asked. My advice to you would be, have a think about why you feel the compulsion to try and create further distress for someone who is already struggling 👍

It took me to ask for you to give advice and not…. The OP?

Still no advice for the Op

Thank you everyone for your advice. I do think I have anxiety and possibly ocd because of the trauma and I need to get help for it. I think i have been reluctant to get help as I am afraid social services will get involved. I did report my dad to the police when we found out but they seemed uninterested, said they would look into it but nothing ever came of it.