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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My child (13) despises BF. Help.

40 replies

manytimeposternames · 02/04/2025 15:14

So I've been divorced from my child's dad for ~4 years now.
Child has AUdhd.
I found my now-partner around the same time as I divorced the dad but didn't tell the child about this.
Child has known about him for about ~2 years now.
Since then, they've met a couple times and my child absolutely despises him. They believe I cheated on their father for him.
It's turning into a hatred of me now because of how much they hate this man.
I don't know what to do. Should I break up with him? I call him/talk to him every day and DC knows this. I fear it might legitimately totally my relationship with DC to stay with him because they clearly despise both me and him.
Help wanted Smile

Edit: Wanted to add DC is an only child and has a good relationship with their father.

OP posts:
ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 02/04/2025 15:17

Has the father told the child that you cheated with the boyfriend?

BlondeMummyto1 · 02/04/2025 15:19

It’s a tough one isn’t it? You want to put your child first but need be happy yourself too.

I wouldn’t want to break up but I imagine it will be putting a strain on your relationship and stopping things from progressing. You can’t be ruled by a child.

Has his dad moved on?

Original poster
manytimeposternames · 02/04/2025 15:21

@BlondeMummyto1 Yes, Dad has moved on and is starting a new life with his partner who DC likes very much.
@ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself Not that I know of, but from what I've heard it's a heavy implication.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 02/04/2025 15:22

Your child may not realise that infidelity isn’t the only reason for divorces. (I’m assuming that dad hasn’t said that you cheated ) Does he know why the marriage broke down ?

Original poster
manytimeposternames · 02/04/2025 15:24

@Snorlaxo Yes, I've tried to explain to them but they accept the version of the story in their head/told by dad instead.

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 02/04/2025 15:25

My dd2 liked the boyfriend I had after I got divorced. At first. Then puberty hit and lockdown and she decided she didn’t like him at all. No reason for it. She admits that now. Everything and everyone was annoying her and she turned it all on him. I ended the relationship in the end. Rightly or wrongly she didn’t want him around and as sad as it made me she needed to be the priority. Bloody difficult decision though. I sympathise op.

BlondeMummyto1 · 02/04/2025 15:25

I would have thought seeing his dad move on would help him accept that you have too.

I’ve been a single mum dating and unless there was major issues I wouldn’t have let my child dictate who I was seeing. I think I would be firm that they have to accept it and stop being so nasty to you and your partner.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/04/2025 15:28

I think as long as you can keep them totally separate always, so she never has to meet him again, you can carry on seeing him. It isn’t fair of her to dictate this when it technically has zero impact on her life.

Original poster
manytimeposternames · 02/04/2025 15:28

@BlondeMummyto1 I've been firm and given them numerous telling-offs, however that won't change how they actually view this relationship. While the criticisms appear to have lessened it's still obvious how impacted our relationship now is because of DP.

OP posts:
parietal · 02/04/2025 15:30

how often does child meet BF? do they need to meet at all? if you can keep things entirely separated, that would be the best option.

TwistedWonder · 02/04/2025 15:34

Keeping your child and partner completely separate is the only real solution right now but I suppose you really need to think about how can your relationship progress if nothing changes.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 02/04/2025 15:35

I wonder if she is worried that you might move him in. Having some unrelated male move in is hard on teens, especially if they are ND. I didn't mind my SD as a person when I first met him, but I pretended to dispise him as the thought of sharing our home really worried me.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 02/04/2025 15:38

Roughly how old is the child? Do they stay with their father regularly? I think I’d keep the two relationships completely separate, like other people are saying. No phone calls or texting in the house with the child. Wait until they’re at school or asleep or whatever. Just do the two things completely separately.

SallyWD · 02/04/2025 15:38

In this situation I'd carry on seeing my boyfriend in a very casual way, now and then. If he's happy with this arrangement of course. I certainly wouldn't consider moving him in with me.

Mauro711 · 02/04/2025 15:59

@ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself they are 13. Very tricky age.

MillicentFaucet · 02/04/2025 16:03

Is there a reason that you're not disclosing whether your DC is male or female OP?
Don't take this the wrong way but it may be a factor

singlewhitetrashheap · 02/04/2025 16:04

MillicentFaucet · 02/04/2025 16:03

Is there a reason that you're not disclosing whether your DC is male or female OP?
Don't take this the wrong way but it may be a factor

No it isn't.

MillicentFaucet · 02/04/2025 16:06

singlewhitetrashheap · 02/04/2025 16:04

No it isn't.

Show quote history

Why not?

Original poster
manytimeposternames · 02/04/2025 16:10

@MillicentFaucet Its for the sake of privacy.

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 02/04/2025 16:11

Is your child a boy? To me, this is incredibly relevant.

I have an Autistic ( PDA) son.

Are they generally controlling of the environment. Why is it ok for dad and not you. Because you're female? I'd wonder that. Being male and Autistic, with a difficult dad who has form for coercive behaviour - you have the risk the son will do the same. If it's a boy.

Having been on the receiving end of mum boyfriends - it's always best to try keep these things separate. Don't try force a happy blended family.

You have a right to enjoyment but do everything to keep it separate is my advice.

Snorlaxo · 02/04/2025 16:14

When I split from ex, my kids were very concerned that their dad was going to have more kids. Having half or step siblings was a much scarier possibility than mum or dad having a new partner. Luckily neither of us had more kids but it’s funny how they assumed that it would happen.

Does your partner live with you? Is your child worried about weddings and babies in the future?

LoveMySushi · 02/04/2025 16:14

I think as hard as this is, you need to end it with bf.
I remember my cousine back when we were that age and her parents got divorced. She scared away every man her mother introduced. She was really really horrible to them and her mother. Her mum stopped dating for a while and started it again when her daughter was older and grew out of it. We are in our 30s now and she cant even say why she did it or why she hated them. She was just being a brat and she wanted her mum for herself.
It was good for their relationship, that her mum gave in though.

MillicentFaucet · 02/04/2025 16:17

Fair enough, OP but I doubt that your situation is so unique that it's particularly identifiable though.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 02/04/2025 16:19

Date bf when she's at her dad's and tell her you will priosiritsr her and her feelings however you have feelings and moving forward one night in week and alt weekends with her dad.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 02/04/2025 16:21

My 15 year old hates my bf. She also has adhd. Ensure he doesn't parent her or criticise her in anyway. If he takes her out in his car to places she wants to go and gives her pocket money she will come round.