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Original poster

How long is too long to set up the next date?

46 replies

absta91 · 02/04/2025 02:59

I (33F) have been "seeing" a guy (37M) I met from Hinge a month ago. We've been on 7 dates all together and it seems like we both are pretty into one another - at least in person. The last time I saw him a few days ago, he mentioned in passing that he is better than he used to be at texting, but still not great, and I jokingly/lightheartedly said I'd noticed he isn't into it and he awkwardly smiled and I could see he felt bad before I reassured him it's fine (which it is, especially since he's been consistently "bad" at it) it's just different to what I'm used to. Later that night we had a chat to confirm what our "dating goals" were and we both said we're looking for long term but also don't want to rush anything and want it to be right.

My main issue is that when we part ways I basically convince myself I'll never hear from him again (obvs have a little anxious attachment going on here) even though he shows no sign of this outside his texting habits. After a few days I'll message him to set up another date and the anxiety is instantly quelled by his positive response, but I think 5/7 of our dates I've initiated, especially more recently. I'm pulling back and giving him the reigns this time, but it's going on 4 days and I haven't heard from him/no plans for a next date.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2025 05:55

Oh, he doesn't seem keen really if you're doing all the chasing. Not surprised you've taken a step back from doing that.

It's annoying you're not at the stage of arranging the next one during the date you're on.

I think I'd give him another couple of days to contact you.

But make some other plans with mates or family for the weekend as if you aren't seeing anyone. Which, if he does contact you for a date, you do NOT drop in favour of seeing him.

If he doesn't get in touch after a week's passed, I'd just move on.

Original poster
absta91 · 02/04/2025 06:40

Yeah, my brain is leading that way, but the circumstances trip me out a bit with how he handles everything once I message/when we see one another - it always super positive and lovely.

I'm into taking it slow and not rushing, but there's limits, so I'm going to see what happens in the next couple of days.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 02/04/2025 06:54

Can you just message but not arrange a date? Once or if you’re in an established relationship him not liking texting wouldn’t be an issue. But obviously it is at this stage and he is aware of it

if I otherwise liked him I’d attempt to keep communication going between dates and see what he does

category12 · 02/04/2025 07:03

Gymbunny2025 · 02/04/2025 06:54

Can you just message but not arrange a date? Once or if you’re in an established relationship him not liking texting wouldn’t be an issue. But obviously it is at this stage and he is aware of it

if I otherwise liked him I’d attempt to keep communication going between dates and see what he does

She's kept it going for 5 out of 7 dates, I think he ought to be showing some initiative by now.

DustyLee123 · 02/04/2025 07:05

Trust your gut.

Solveago · 02/04/2025 07:10

How do you foresee this working out in the future if he's choosing to be bad at texting? Will he pop to the shops and not text that he's met up with an old friend and will be back in 3 hours? Or popped to the park and not texted that your DC has fallen off the swing and they're at the hospital?

He's choosing to be bad at texting and you're choosing to pretend to be cool about it.

Have a proper grown up conversation - a phone call or face to face - and spell it out to him. Then if he can't spend a few seconds texting you'll know he's not that in to you. Or carry on feeling anxious. You have choices.

Gymbunny2025 · 02/04/2025 07:12

category12 · 02/04/2025 07:03

She's kept it going for 5 out of 7 dates, I think he ought to be showing some initiative by now.

Show quote history

My interpretation is that she’s just messaging after 5 days to set up a date. If it was me I’d just message in a style I like and see what he does. But I wouldn’t suggest the next date.

Original poster
absta91 · 02/04/2025 07:57

Normally I'll message him after a couple of days either to organise the next date or if I have something to tell him and then we'll send a couple of messages through the day, but this is the first time I've actively avoided texting him first to see what he does/gauge his interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
absta91 · 02/04/2025 08:04

Solveago · 02/04/2025 07:10

How do you foresee this working out in the future if he's choosing to be bad at texting? Will he pop to the shops and not text that he's met up with an old friend and will be back in 3 hours? Or popped to the park and not texted that your DC has fallen off the swing and they're at the hospital?

He's choosing to be bad at texting and you're choosing to pretend to be cool about it.

Have a proper grown up conversation - a phone call or face to face - and spell it out to him. Then if he can't spend a few seconds texting you'll know he's not that in to you. Or carry on feeling anxious. You have choices.

We've been seeing one another a few weeks... so I haven't thought that deeply about that. He's been communicative text-wise when he needs to be. If we're making plans he's punctual in setting the plans and responding in a timely manner which is what's important to me. I'm just basically trying to understand what others would deem an appropriate timeframe to organise another date if I'm not chasing after it.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 02/04/2025 08:14

After 7 dates I'd be expecting him to set up the next date whilst we were on the date, and I don't care how 'bad' he is at texting, if he wants to see me then he's gonna have to take the initiative. Never be impressed by something that can be done on the toilet, and he's not even doing that.

The PP who suggested you consider how this will go in the future was spot on. If he's this bad at texting when you are in the early stages of dating (when he's showing you himself at his best), then how is he going to be when you are 2 years in or married with kids? If you are driving the relationship now - when your only responsibilities to eachother are dating-related - how much more will you be doing the driving later on, when you have joint responsibilities?

Only accept what you want, because you get what you accept.

PerkyGreenCat · 02/04/2025 08:14

If a guy I was dating didn't text me in 4 days, I'd assume he wasn't interested and move on. I'm sorry, it sounds like he's just not that into you.

There are other guys out there who will think you're amazing and will be falling over themselves to call/text you and they'll be taking the initiative to arrange dates. They'll be keen to show they're interested because they won't want you to think they don't like you and move on to date other guys - the only guys who don't show they're keen are the ones who aren't that bothered if you ditch them and date other guys.

If he can't be arsed - sorry - "bad at texting lolz" now when it's early days and it's supposed to be fun and exciting, it doesn't bode well for when you're 2 years down the line moaning on mumsnet that your man forgot your birthday or didn't get you flowers for Valentines Day.

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 08:33

This a complete minefield with texting etiquette and men generally seem to be much less adept than women. My male friends only text if there is specific info to exchange whereas women more send memes/checkins etc.
But having said that - I agree he would be more proactive in suggesting dates if he were truly interested. As others have said, he will be keen not to risk losing you or you going out on other dates.
I am newish to this having come out of a long marriage, and in my subsequent relationship I put up with a lot of flaky text communication because I didn’t know what to expect.
I then when on a fantastic date with a guy I met in RL/he was very keen and texted me before I’d even got home, but then…nothing. It was really perplexing. Then I met him by chance at an event and he said he would text me. He did then text to say he didn’t think it would be the right thing for us to have a relationship.
So the absence of fixing another date was clearly his second thoughts about me. (It later transpired through mutual friends that he thought I was too rich and would get tired of him and dump him…)
But a few days ago I had a date with a very shy guy who I’d met a few weeks ago at a party. We also had a really great evening, but after the previous, I wasn’t counting my chickens. When I woke up the next morning he had texted me an hour after our date to ask me to dinner at his house - choice of four consecutive evenings later this week… leaning me no doubt that he is keen to meet again and very soon.
May not work out - obviously still just a date, but it has raised my bar in what to expect, and realization of what men do when they are actually interested.
So in your position now, I would just leave it and look elsewhere because even if he does eventually reach out, it does seem rather lukewarm and you deserve (we all do!) a man who proactively makes plans.

Original poster
absta91 · 02/04/2025 08:44

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 08:33

This a complete minefield with texting etiquette and men generally seem to be much less adept than women. My male friends only text if there is specific info to exchange whereas women more send memes/checkins etc.
But having said that - I agree he would be more proactive in suggesting dates if he were truly interested. As others have said, he will be keen not to risk losing you or you going out on other dates.
I am newish to this having come out of a long marriage, and in my subsequent relationship I put up with a lot of flaky text communication because I didn’t know what to expect.
I then when on a fantastic date with a guy I met in RL/he was very keen and texted me before I’d even got home, but then…nothing. It was really perplexing. Then I met him by chance at an event and he said he would text me. He did then text to say he didn’t think it would be the right thing for us to have a relationship.
So the absence of fixing another date was clearly his second thoughts about me. (It later transpired through mutual friends that he thought I was too rich and would get tired of him and dump him…)
But a few days ago I had a date with a very shy guy who I’d met a few weeks ago at a party. We also had a really great evening, but after the previous, I wasn’t counting my chickens. When I woke up the next morning he had texted me an hour after our date to ask me to dinner at his house - choice of four consecutive evenings later this week… leaning me no doubt that he is keen to meet again and very soon.
May not work out - obviously still just a date, but it has raised my bar in what to expect, and realization of what men do when they are actually interested.
So in your position now, I would just leave it and look elsewhere because even if he does eventually reach out, it does seem rather lukewarm and you deserve (we all do!) a man who proactively makes plans.

Edited

This is where I feel confused in that texting etiquette is so varied. I hear some dating coaches say that when you first start dating someone it's healthy to not text in between dates and that this person isn't a priority in your life (and I agree with that) and we're in our 30s not teenagers in modern dating being clung to our phones. And I've dated guys who have messaged me a lot but still haven't been into me, so it doesn't really in my opinion/experiences mean anything how frequently they message you. I think more than anything based on my conversations with this guy is that he wants to take it REALLY slow which I'm not sure is for me. I want to take it slow, but this just seems crazy slow. The last time I saw him he gave me a toothbrush at his place and was asking about what kind of coffee I drink so it all seemed like it was moving somewhere but then crickets. But I guess confusion is actually also pretty indicative.

OP posts:
Addictedtohotbaths · 02/04/2025 08:47

Best advice I’ve had is when someone is into you, you will know.

if there’s any doubt, then it’s not worth pushing it.

MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 08:52

I think you are conflating two issues:
1 He's not a texter

  1. He's not proactive.

Him not being a regular texter is fine - lots of people are like that. And if you don't mind, then it's fine.

But him being so bad at proactively suggesting meeting up is a problem. It's ridiculous that after 7 dates YOU have had to do the initiating 5 times. I have no issue with you initiating dates and contact, but it should be more or less equal.

Pre DH when I was single, this was something that drove me mad and it's a standing joke that I wasn't convinced about DH but he a) got in touch promptly after we met to suggest going out and b) had an actual plan and day in mind to propose to me which, together, convinced me to go out with him (vs the endless men who would say things like, "oh, we shold go out sometime". Or, even while ORGANSING the date, would be sitting back waiting for ME to suggest a time, a venue, an activity.

mondaytosunday · 02/04/2025 08:54

Totally agree with @Widowerwouldyou. I met my DH through an old fashioned introduction agency. This was back in the day - I didn’t even have a mobile phone!
But in my dating journey, meeting 13 men over a year, is that if they don’t put in the effort they don’t care enough. Sure there may be the odd passive person who’s totally happy letting the other parson do all the initiating, but that doesn’t make one feel valued and cared for.
One of the first things that attracted me about my DH was that he was proactive and always wanted to know when we could next see each other. He made the effort even though he was very busy with work and had his kids every other weekend.
Frankly if you have to second guess how a bloke feels about you then he doesn’t feel enough. If he doesn’t contact you it means he’s willing to let things fade away, despite his enthusiasm when you contact him. I’d wait for him then text next. Start looking at other opportunities too.

BlondeMummyto1 · 02/04/2025 08:56

Men who are interested don’t go days without contact.
When I was dating my partner he would contact me as soon as he got home and then we would talk everyday.

Leave it up to him this time.

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 08:57

What kind of dates do you do?
If it’s just drinks/meal I can see he might not be in a hurry.
In my case, to pre-empt this (learning from my experience with the failed situation with the guy who was nervous about our relative difference in income) as we have mutual interests will put out a few ideas during the date of fun and non-expensive things to do (activities I mean, not sexy time 😂) and make it clear I would enjoy trying them with him and then leave it with him to then suggest a specific date.

User5274959 · 02/04/2025 08:58

Even if he does like you but this is just how he is - do you really want someone so passive where you have to do all the arranging? And worse, are left wondering all the time how into it he is and what he's thinking. It would be a turn off for me

Original poster
absta91 · 02/04/2025 09:02

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 08:57

What kind of dates do you do?
If it’s just drinks/meal I can see he might not be in a hurry.
In my case, to pre-empt this (learning from my experience with the failed situation with the guy who was nervous about our relative difference in income) as we have mutual interests will put out a few ideas during the date of fun and non-expensive things to do (activities I mean, not sexy time 😂) and make it clear I would enjoy trying them with him and then leave it with him to then suggest a specific date.

First meeting/date was at a bar, but we then discovered we live across the road from one another so we've gone on walks and also had dinner dates at one another's so it's been quite casual. Our last date was Saturday night and we went to a wine bar for drinks/dinner.

If we continue to see one another it might be a good idea to throw some other date ideas out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
absta91 · 02/04/2025 09:05

User5274959 · 02/04/2025 08:58

Even if he does like you but this is just how he is - do you really want someone so passive where you have to do all the arranging? And worse, are left wondering all the time how into it he is and what he's thinking. It would be a turn off for me

Yeah, it's starting to drive me a bit nuts. I find it very hard to find men I'm into (I like laid back kind of guys - clearly) so get pretty sold when I find one I like. He's great in every other way, but this could potentially be a big thing. It's start to give me the ick.

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 09:30

absta91 · 02/04/2025 09:05

Yeah, it's starting to drive me a bit nuts. I find it very hard to find men I'm into (I like laid back kind of guys - clearly) so get pretty sold when I find one I like. He's great in every other way, but this could potentially be a big thing. It's start to give me the ick.

Show quote history

The problem is that if you have to take the initiative from the start, for everything, it just sets up the relationship where YOU do all the driving - all the thinking, the planning etc. And that's hard enough to get away from for most of us, but if it's entrenched from day 1.... well, you're doomed when you get married, have children etc.

I know men will probably shout, "bloody hell, we're talking about a few drinks and you're already extrapolating t weddings and babies" but actually, I think you can. If a man can't even be bothered to proactively organise a trip to the pub, how on earth are you meant to believe he'll actually step up when you need him to organise something a bit more important?

Mog65 · 02/04/2025 10:35

Is he just shy. Could you just send a text saying do you fancy going to x. Talk about the next date while out with him. Suggest doing something he likes, get the convo going. Youve had several dates he must be keen if interacting with you positively when out. Some men just need a kick up the backside. But yes very frustrating you do it all.

BumbleBeegu · 02/04/2025 10:56

Blimey OP…you live OVER THE ROAD from each other! This should be so much easier than it is! He could just knock on your door ffs…(if he’s so bad at texting) but no, he chooses to ignore you for days at a time.

He is either VERY lazy, or just not into you. This is the ‘best version of him’…it won’t get any better than this.

Up to you whether you continue to accept his breadcrumbs 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
absta91 · 02/04/2025 11:08

Mog65 · 02/04/2025 10:35

Is he just shy. Could you just send a text saying do you fancy going to x. Talk about the next date while out with him. Suggest doing something he likes, get the convo going. Youve had several dates he must be keen if interacting with you positively when out. Some men just need a kick up the backside. But yes very frustrating you do it all.

I think he is actually quite shy. Each time we see one another he seems to open up a bit more and seems more confident/vulnerable so this could play a part for sure.

I think we’re both being a bit standoffish with things, but it’s 100% affecting me more than him so if we continue to date I might start bringing up future dates while on current date.

OP posts: