How long is too long to set up the next date?

[absta91]

I (33F) have been "seeing" a guy (37M) I met from Hinge a month ago. We've been on 7 dates all together and it seems like we both are pretty into one another - at least in person. The last time I saw him a few days ago, he mentioned in passing that he is better than he used to be at texting, but still not great, and I jokingly/lightheartedly said I'd noticed he isn't into it and he awkwardly smiled and I could see he felt bad before I reassured him it's fine (which it is, especially since he's been consistently "bad" at it) it's just different to what I'm used to. Later that night we had a chat to confirm what our "dating goals" were and we both said we're looking for long term but also don't want to rush anything and want it to be right.

My main issue is that when we part ways I basically convince myself I'll never hear from him again (obvs have a little anxious attachment going on here) even though he shows no sign of this outside his texting habits. After a few days I'll message him to set up another date and the anxiety is instantly quelled by his positive response, but I think 5/7 of our dates I've initiated, especially more recently. I'm pulling back and giving him the reigns this time, but it's going on 4 days and I haven't heard from him/no plans for a next date.

just drop him a text asking how he is? dont mention the date, but hopefully he will come back with a suggestion.

it opens the door for him if he's shy but also you shouldnt be the only one chasing.

Yeah, I don’t want to be seeing him more than I am really (1-2 times a week is fine for now). But the lack of engagement and then initiative between dates is feeling breadcrumby.

I like texting so it always makes me assume they don’t like me when they don’t message, yet when they do send one and we meet up they are positive, enthusiastic, can’t get enough etc.. they are the more keen one. One of my best relationships was with someone who was amazing in person but just didn’t text. I think some people just aren’t texters.
some genuinely aren’t interested either
I think judge it on how they normally are as a person.

I ended up sending him a message before - asking about a podcast we were talking about on the weekend. I was trying to hold off on being the one to first reach out but oh well. I’m not going to initiate a date though.

I’d never contact a man and suggest another date. If he wants to see you again he would say.

I just want to say that the suggestions you just "casually" drop him a text are, in my opinion, wrong. It's game playing, and its a game that he is clearly NOT playing. Relationships shouldn't be hard in the beginning. Hard is when you've got a mortgage and 2 babies and a sick parent. The beginning is supposed ot be fun and easy and exciting. Why on earth would you want to stay talking to a man who is already causing you anxiety? I don't understand that mindset.

Women should expect better, and more, for themselves and for other women.

Why not just bring this up with him?

We are all different and some people are just passive most of the time. I like to plan things weeks away. GF tends to do it same day. It does annoy me but thats who we are. I know I drive people crazy with my planning!

Just sit and discuss it, everything else seems good, explain why you feel like this and why he is not more proactive, and could be try a bit harder on that.

I have been leaning the same way. He has been like this from the get-go but we’re 7 dates in (which is still early but not first few) and always is super engaged in person and I’ve had plenty of guys who text but aren’t really that interested. I feel like age comes into play a little too. He’s several years older than all of the guys I’ve dated in recent years who were much more into texting. But it could all mean nothing and he isn’t into it as well! I’m mostly concerned about how long we should be going between seeing one another, especially when we’re not keeping in touch between.

Yeah, I very much get this and completely agree.

The anxiety is 100% me though. He owes me nothing at this point and I just have to decide whether this is the way I want it to go or not.

You're right he owes you nothing except... as I think I said when I posted the first time, for me it's not about texting. It's totally fine that he's not into texting. I'm not particlarly into texting myself.

But the lack of initiative, or effort to suggest or organise dates... THAT is the problem.

I’ve been feeling it’s too soon/intense to discuss it with him, but maybe if I frame it a certain way it’s not. Plus it’s also just setting out as this is what I want/need here and you either fulfill it or you don’t and we part away.

I agree. That’s where I’m at a deciding point. Thus far it’s always by default me because my schedule changes a lot and I visit my mother out of town unplanned for days so I’ll be “Hey let’s meet up before I go away”. But I’m going to just leave it up to him if he does/doesn't plan something.

You see, you've alreayd slipped into the default thinking of it's "more difficult" for you so you have to take on this responsibility. This is something that we, as women, are programmed to do. example - shift work. If a woman does low paid shift work, quite often in a relationship the view is that HEr work will be ditched if childcare issues come up because it's low paid, it's not a career etc. If the man does low paid shift work, he can't possibly ditch a last minute shift because it would let the team down, impact long term potential etc.

so for example, re your schedule. Assuming he knows that you have restrictions and of course that he doesn't, why is it so difficult for him to text or call and say, "I'm not sure when you're next up to see your mum, but I am super keen to see XX film so I thought we could go either in the next few days if you're around, or over the weekend if this week is bad?"

it's not hard.

That’s true, when you aren’t seeing each other all the time then I feel contact needs to be kept up by messages at least, to keep that bond growing. It’s also really nice to hear your phone ping and hope it’s from them!
I had one man stop texting but wanted to see me every weekend. In the first month when he was “chasing” me he was always texting. So he did have it in him to be like that. I mentioned it and he said “but that was when I was getting to know you” we had only known each other 6 weeks. And he also said “I reply when you message don’t I?” Yet he was always the more keen one in person, making plans etc. They are so confusing.
The best texter I knew wasn’t so great in person!

It’s definitely nice to see their name come up on the screen. Keeping in touch is welcome, but that doesn’t even bother me too much - I just want the confirmation they’re still wanting to pursue the connection in person when we have availability and right now I feel very conflicted on that bit unfortunately.

You’re not wrong! I’m very much taking a step back. Letting him prove himself if he chooses to.

I don’t think it’s game playing at all? If I want to/like texting someone I do. If she has arranged 5 out of 7 dates it’s his turn.

But I don’t think an amazing texter guarantees an amazing relationship so if he’s keen in person and does arrange more dates I’d judge him more on that. If they move in together they’re unlikely to carry on with chatty texts!

My now H was like that and I told him that I like to know ahead of time what I've got coming up in that week. He got the message. We would always agree a tentative evening with details to follow. He also turned up a few times thinking I would be at home when I was out so he soon learned.

When I think about it the 5/7 ratio is slightly off. It’s more like 4/7 which I guess is kind of fine and really the last date was the first one where it felt like I completely instigated it (previously if I did message to plan, he’d respond saying he was about to message me/check when I was free) and we shared the role of actually planning/coordinating it. I’m fully in my own head about it. I’m anxiously attached and any slight change in pattern/behaviour and I’m psyched out. Not to say there isn’t a lack of interest though or at least the pace isn’t matching.

Hello. I just want to add that I could have written your post and how you are currently feeling! I have a hugely anxious attachment style, and I know I need to work on it and not rely on dating for self-validation, but it’s so difficult not to jump to the worst conclusion.

I’ve been on 4 dates with a guy and he always seems keen on the date, and it started off well - we arranged the second date on the first date. However since then, whenever we have parted ways, my anxiety kicks in waiting for him to message and arrange the next date. His messaging has definitely become less consistent which doesn’t help either, but I think that’s because he might not feel like we have to message as much now we’ve met a few times. And I definitely don’t want to message all day every day, I just want the next date confirmed!

Have you arranged your next date yet? Did he initiate it?

Hello! Oh anxious attachment can be SO horrible. He ended up initiating the next date :) And it was just shy of a week after the last and one of our best! The problem is that every relationship is different, and every person is different and people's views vary so much on what is good/bad.

I now realise in my case that he's just not a big texter (we had a small discussion on it and I can tell he's been trying more despite me saying it was fine - I don't want to change his character and I was really only using it to gauge his interest which I've discovered doesn't work haha). Also we're both fairly laid back people in general but I think we also now feel more comfortable with one another so it's sort of a "Hey what are you doing tonight, let's hang out" instead of planning a date and time and it being all formal. It's definitely also the case for us where we know we like one another in person now, we don't need to scope one another out virtually.

Now that I realise that the relationship is progressing (albeit slower than I've perviously experienced) and he IS invested, my anxieties have virtually gone. Have you initiated dates or are you just waiting for him?

You kind of just need to let it fall as it does. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to give a bit more context because I don't think it's all so black and white.