Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mr. Inconsistent - Advice Wanted

66 replies

Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 18:10

I met a guy a couple months ago and I need your advice. He is almost 40 years old and when we first started talking he would say how alike we are, that he’s never met anyone like me before and how good looking, smart, etc. that I am (looks like I was being love bombed). We went on one date which seemed to have gone well and he hugged me at the end and expressed all the things we will do on future dates. He also contacted me after the date.

I started noticing he would go days without contacting me (this happened a few times). I would try to fill in the silences by reaching out myself to take some initiative. I tried not to think too much of it because it is the early stages. About a week after our first date, he told me he suddenly joined a band with guys he met online from an ad (from the same place you would find a used coffee table) and how he was practicing songs for this band. He got super drunk and started drunk texting me the night he joined this band all happy that they accepted him into their group on the first day they met and professed that he liked me. He was so hung over there was no date the next day either. As a side note, the band he joined has adult men (almost 40) with no jobs and collecting government assistance – odd crew to be around considering he has a job. The weekend after, he was with the band again and I was sick. He told me these practices are going to be EVERY weekend (which takes up a big chunk of the day and then they hang out after!) but then said that he does want a second date.

He was talking to me one day last week but then suddenly just dropped off the face of the earth again for 3 days without messaging me. This time (after multiple times) I did not reach out to break the silence because I’m finding these disappearing acts unusual and I don’t want to chase someone who isn’t into me and isn’t prioritizing building a connection. I was also sick and didn’t want to deal with nonsense. He contacted me randomly on Saturday, I told him I was still sick, and he has not reached out again since. I asked him where he’s been and he said he’s just been busy with work. I’m not sure if this is his communication style or if something else is going on. He used to text me during the day as well, but he doesn’t do that anymore.

If and when he reaches out again, how would you handle this? Would would you call him out/talk to him about it or just not respond? I do not want to waste my time with someone who is inconsistent and blows hot and cold. I'm used to guys being consistent in communication when they are genuinely interested and that is not what I'm seeing here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 18:55

LillyPJ · 01/04/2025 18:50

I wouldn't trust him. It sounds like he's got other things going on (maybe other dates?) but whatever it is, he's unreliable and keeping you at arm's length. Try to keep yourself busy with other things and don't go chasing after him. You'll soon discover what he really thinks of you.

I definitely don't trust him! I'd rather him have just said after the first date that he's just not interested and wasn't feeling it instead of leading me on. The inconsistency is a huge red flag.

The one thing I refuse to do is reach out to him when he can go days without initiating contact. I'm wondering if this is also some sort of ego boosting thing for him to see if I'll chase. If that is the case, he will wait until pigs fly.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 01/04/2025 18:57

thistimelastweek · 01/04/2025 18:31

A dear friend told me that whilst OLD, she automatically filtered out blokes who were members of a band.
Unfortunately I didn't ask why at the time but she might have had a point.

Ugh I know why.

They act like a bunch of over grown teenagers trying to relive their youth, that includes booze, sex, fights, and drugs, they goad each other into doing stupid things. They love any attention and there are often "hangers on" in with older guy bands. The level of practise is ridiculous and they kick out the ones who don't turn up to rehersals so even those who want a life outside the band can't have one if they want to be in the band.

Bunch of fucking off their face wasters screwing anything that moves and not even bothering to get a name.

I can see why they are attracted to the idea of being in a band but the reality is just tragic.

OP I think you know my opinion on this! I'm sorry you found a time waster, a decent one will be along at some point, it just isn't this one.

ARainyNightInSoho · 01/04/2025 18:58

It's been true since the beginning of time in any place on the planet that if a man is keen on you then there will be no doubt about it. There will be no inconsistencies, blowing hot and cold, mysteries etc. I'm talking about real life of course. Stupidly and annoyingly fiction and films are full of men who do love a woman but mysterious difficulties keep them apart. This is FICTION not real life!

Sadly, even though this is a widespread truth many women discover it too late. Take it as a precious pearl of wisdom from a woman much older than you that this an absolute fact which will be incredibly useful to you from now on. It saves so much time and heart ache as you never have to agonise again. All you have to do is decide if YOU like HIM. You can stop worrying if he likes you because if he does, you will know for sure.

You're welcome.

cramptramp · 01/04/2025 18:59

He’s keeping you dangling as a back up for when he has nothing else to do. I can’t understand why you’re even wasting your time thinking about him. He’s a waste of space. Block and move on.

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 19:16

MarkingBad · 01/04/2025 18:57

Ugh I know why.

They act like a bunch of over grown teenagers trying to relive their youth, that includes booze, sex, fights, and drugs, they goad each other into doing stupid things. They love any attention and there are often "hangers on" in with older guy bands. The level of practise is ridiculous and they kick out the ones who don't turn up to rehersals so even those who want a life outside the band can't have one if they want to be in the band.

Bunch of fucking off their face wasters screwing anything that moves and not even bothering to get a name.

I can see why they are attracted to the idea of being in a band but the reality is just tragic.

OP I think you know my opinion on this! I'm sorry you found a time waster, a decent one will be along at some point, it just isn't this one.

Show quote history

THIS 100%! Being almost 40 is a bit too old to start joining a throng of Green Day wannabees living out your rock 'n roll fantasies from when you were 15. It's like a mid-life crisis. I'm all for hobbies, but they shouldn't be taking over your entire life. Usually men at this age are more invested in their career, potentially their family, investments, etc. And if you're going to join a band, I don't know why you'd be joining a bunch of guys who don't even have a job (another red flag). It's like a circus.

It's almost like they aren't even a band - they're a glorified drinking crew with no shows, albums or anything planned. I think he's a time waster too.

Many band guys are immature man children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 19:22

cramptramp · 01/04/2025 18:59

He’s keeping you dangling as a back up for when he has nothing else to do. I can’t understand why you’re even wasting your time thinking about him. He’s a waste of space. Block and move on.

After how many days of no contact from a potential partner that you went on a date with would you cut them off in general?

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 01/04/2025 19:27

Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 19:16

THIS 100%! Being almost 40 is a bit too old to start joining a throng of Green Day wannabees living out your rock 'n roll fantasies from when you were 15. It's like a mid-life crisis. I'm all for hobbies, but they shouldn't be taking over your entire life. Usually men at this age are more invested in their career, potentially their family, investments, etc. And if you're going to join a band, I don't know why you'd be joining a bunch of guys who don't even have a job (another red flag). It's like a circus.

It's almost like they aren't even a band - they're a glorified drinking crew with no shows, albums or anything planned. I think he's a time waster too.

Many band guys are immature man children.

Show quote history

That's exactly what they are I agree.

I even worked for a man who was in a punk band he was in his mid 30s and his wife kept him as a pet.

I recently heard from an old friend that he is still in the punk band, he sent me a youtube video, and they are all now in their mid 60s, still awful even for a punk band, so even more ridiculous, and yes, his wife still keeps him as a pet.

I imagine she is still waiting outside pubs at finishing time to pick him up, she always made sure he was on a very short lead.

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 19:34

MarkingBad · 01/04/2025 19:27

That's exactly what they are I agree.

I even worked for a man who was in a punk band he was in his mid 30s and his wife kept him as a pet.

I recently heard from an old friend that he is still in the punk band, he sent me a youtube video, and they are all now in their mid 60s, still awful even for a punk band, so even more ridiculous, and yes, his wife still keeps him as a pet.

I imagine she is still waiting outside pubs at finishing time to pick him up, she always made sure he was on a very short lead.

Show quote history

A bunch of Peter Pans, the lot of 'em.

Does anyone even LIKE that genre anymore? Who do they even have coming to the shows? Like 6 drunk people who live with their mum and think they're Sid Vicious?

Oh my gosh - mid 60s still thinking he's going to be famous with that noise? It just goes to show some men never grow up. I'm even more alarmed he's sending Youtube videos like he's cool. I'd leave him at the pub.

OP posts:
Mamabear487 · 01/04/2025 19:55

Block ignore don’t bother

JenniferAnistonForReals · 01/04/2025 20:06

FWIW, I think it’s fine for a middle aged man to join a band. I think we should all do whatever we can to have a bit more joy and creativity in our lives.

But that’s not the issue here. The issue is his interactions with you and whether they’re enough and how you want things to be with someone you’re dating. But they’re not, so let this one go.

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 20:16

JenniferAnistonForReals · 01/04/2025 20:06

FWIW, I think it’s fine for a middle aged man to join a band. I think we should all do whatever we can to have a bit more joy and creativity in our lives.

But that’s not the issue here. The issue is his interactions with you and whether they’re enough and how you want things to be with someone you’re dating. But they’re not, so let this one go.

I think you said it correctly, it is about balance. I mentioned earlier I'm fine with hobbies, but not if they're going to be taking over a person's entire life to the point where they can't even send a simple message.

I think he's slow fading and if that's the case, I'm not chasing.

OP posts:
Jennifershuffles · 01/04/2025 20:46

I'd ignore and when he does contact you again, just tell him you're not interested and then don't say anything to him again. It's been one date and he obvs can't be arsed with you so will be a shit boyfriend.

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 21:15

Jennifershuffles · 01/04/2025 20:46

I'd ignore and when he does contact you again, just tell him you're not interested and then don't say anything to him again. It's been one date and he obvs can't be arsed with you so will be a shit boyfriend.

Would you just leave him on read or tell him to beat it?

I'm wondering if he's gone for good or if he's going to pop back up with his stupid bread crumbs again.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 01/04/2025 21:21

Sounds like it might be a bit of peter pan syndrome op. He likes the idea of a relationship but in reality doesn't like the idea of the consistency or the effort that goes into one especially once you move past the initial excitement. It does sound like keeping you on the hook and that's never a good thing. I would also move on.

I think most men are quite straight forward in that if they really want to do something they just do it.

headabouttoexplode2 · 01/04/2025 21:24

This won’t miraculously get better and he’ll keep stringing you along for however long you allow him to. Be thankful you’ve seen his true colours early on, block him and forget his existence.

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 21:33

Lavender14 · 01/04/2025 21:21

Sounds like it might be a bit of peter pan syndrome op. He likes the idea of a relationship but in reality doesn't like the idea of the consistency or the effort that goes into one especially once you move past the initial excitement. It does sound like keeping you on the hook and that's never a good thing. I would also move on.

I think most men are quite straight forward in that if they really want to do something they just do it.

Exactly. I figure that communication should be consistent if the person is interested. If not every day, then every other day to show interest, especially as you are getting to know someone. I know we are not IN a relationship, but 3 days of silence is a bit long and it takes like 10 seconds to send a text to show someone you are thinking about them.

If he wasn't interested he should have just been up front and said he's not looking for a relationship period. Relationships (including developing ones) take effort and communication and that is not what is happening here.

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 01/04/2025 21:36

Oh they always pop back up again. Usually to disrupt you once you’ve forgotten about them.
But hang on… did you only meet up the once?!
If so, it almost certainly is a complete waste of your time even thinking about this guy. You don’t mean anything to him.

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 21:36

headabouttoexplode2 · 01/04/2025 21:24

This won’t miraculously get better and he’ll keep stringing you along for however long you allow him to. Be thankful you’ve seen his true colours early on, block him and forget his existence.

Looks like the true colours didn't take too long to show after the love bombing and future faking.

OP posts:
Aworldofwonder · 01/04/2025 21:42

I don't want to be rude but all this speculation over a man you've met once? You are choosing to let him live rent free in your head.

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 21:45

MeganM3 · 01/04/2025 21:36

Oh they always pop back up again. Usually to disrupt you once you’ve forgotten about them.
But hang on… did you only meet up the once?!
If so, it almost certainly is a complete waste of your time even thinking about this guy. You don’t mean anything to him.

Yes, thankfully only once! But then he just kept reaching out after and now is doing a slow fade with bread crumbing, so I'm more so interested in how to handle this as I've never seen a guy do this and I've dated many guys.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 01/04/2025 21:45

Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 18:22

It looks to me like he's slow fading and doesn't have the balls to tell me he's not interested. But if that's the case, I don't get the random re-appearances. It's just bloody odd.

Show quote history

This.

I'm afraid men also tend to not leave their girlfriend/wives as much as the other way around. They just don't want to be seen as the bad guy. especially when children are involved.

They just become progressively worse partners, nastier, less communicative, less affectionate, more selfish or ruthless over time until the women accepts the responsibility of ending the relationship.

EarthSight · 01/04/2025 21:46

Oh, and if he's like that, he may even try to hoover you back in to try and give you an impression that no no, he was interested in you all along.....when actually he wasn't 😕

Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 21:48

EarthSight · 01/04/2025 21:45

This.

I'm afraid men also tend to not leave their girlfriend/wives as much as the other way around. They just don't want to be seen as the bad guy. especially when children are involved.

They just become progressively worse partners, nastier, less communicative, less affectionate, more selfish or ruthless over time until the women accepts the responsibility of ending the relationship.

Show quote history

It's almost like some men become super shit in hopes that you leave, I agree. But in this case, it's not even a full blown relationship so I'd rather him just tell me he's not interested or go full on ghost because the bread crumbing is gross.

The whole issue here is the re-surfacing and the leading on. It's super inconsistent and I haven't seen anything this bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 21:53

EarthSight · 01/04/2025 21:46

Oh, and if he's like that, he may even try to hoover you back in to try and give you an impression that no no, he was interested in you all along.....when actually he wasn't 😕

I think I already got hoovered on the weekend after the random ghosting. I'm getting the vibes it's all for attention and ego with these types. I don't think he was interested either and if that's the case, I don't need any re-surfacing/zombieing.

OP posts:
Jennifershuffles · 01/04/2025 21:54

Revolutionno9 · 01/04/2025 21:15

Would you just leave him on read or tell him to beat it?

I'm wondering if he's gone for good or if he's going to pop back up with his stupid bread crumbs again.

Show quote history

I'd just tell him straight that you're not interested and leave it at that.
Good luck with finding someone way better!!