Overwhelming crush on colleague

[Crossingtrue]

I’m not sure if relationships is the right place to post this, because there is no relationship here.
Married - ups and downs but basically all good - two children. Find it all quite hard work with working full time, big mortgage. Feel huge sense of responsibility a lot of the time. DH pulls his weight though - he’s really committed to the family and does loads with the children. He also feels a heavy burden with work I think and can get quite down.
Anyway about six months ago I came off the pill (not trying for children, dh had the snip) and it was like my hormones just came roaring back to life. Having found sex a bit of a chore for a few years, suddenly I wanted it all the time. That’s died down a bit now but still am much keener on sex than I used to be which has been great for our marriage.
however around the same time I suddenly, almost out of the blue, developed this intense crush on a colleague (who is also married with children - I would not go there at all). He’s somebody I don’t even know very well, we’ve always got on ok and if I’m honest I’ve half suspected he might have liked me a bit at times but I never gave it much thought. Until now. Suddenly whenever I see him it’s like I’m fifteen again. I think about him all the fucking time, and can’t concentrate very well. I get these really intense daydreams and fantasies about us being together. Now I realise that a lot of this is probably just escapism and I also think it’s totally fine to think somebody else is attractive when you’re married, but this is another level and while it was kind of fun at first it’s like there’s this raging storm in my head now that wants something to happen (I DON’T want anything to happen).
There have been some good points - I have started taking more care of my appearance and doing more exercise and drinking less. Not deliberately related to him, more at the same time as this crush developed I had this desire to make the most of myself.
however increasingly it’s bad points. Can’t concentrate. Don’t want to get out of bed in the morning as it’s more fun daydreaming about him. (I think he would be horrified if he knew this, it’s just so embarrassing). Sometimes I ‘miss’ him which is ridiculous because I barely know him. I hope he hasn’t noticed, I don’t think so but whenever I do see him I just feel so tongue tied whereas I used to be perfectly confident around him.
anyway, what was a fun mild attraction has got stronger and stronger and I hate it. I know people talk about limerence which is a term I dislike slightly but maybe it’s that. Any advice please help.

Hello, me from three years ago 👋

Run. Change jobs. Do whatever you need to, to get away from him.

This exact situation took over three years of my life, and I’m only extricating myself from the excruciating thing now.

It was maybe one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Escape before it gets worse!

Peri menopausal by any chance?

Gosh, I wouldn’t leave your job, just try and catch yourself every time the fantasies take over and bring your mind back on him doing something gross… skid marks on the loo / genital warts… should squash the thoughts in work and let you focus on the job before it becomes obvious to others.

Ive been there - it was good at first to experience those feelings again after young children, but soon became overwhelming. Also, heads up, could be the start of peri-menopause!

Thank you - would you mind saying what happened that you’re still extricating yourself from?
I have looked at a few job vacancies but the thing is, I really enjoy my job and also they’re very understanding whenever children are ill etc and that’s so important for me.

maybe, I thought it was change in birth control but maybe am peri. Am early 40s so that would fit.

Those thoughts are really gross! Did you manage to make the feelings pass?

If you don't wan't to feel those feeling about the colleague anymore, maybe try imagining your husband feeling all those feelings for a female colleague. How would that make you feel?

When you are lying in bed tomorrow morning, and you feel like you would rather stay in bed thinking about your crush - look at the man next to you and imagine him thinking "I would rather stay in bed all day and daydream about 'female colleague A'. She's just so cute, smart and adorable. But I also want to go to work, because otherwise I will miss her so much."

Well that would make me feel shit, obviously. I know this is not a morally defensible thing to be thinking - that’s why I’m asking for advice!!

Another person here saying proceed with caution.
Thoughts are not actions and nothing at all to feel guilty about. But really intense thoughts like that can turn into actions under the right circumstances. Maybe worth having a look to see if there’s anything missing or unfulfilled either in marriage or elsewhere.

I honestly don’t think there’s a moral question here. Just that the thoughts sometimes become more and more intense and you start to want/need something slightly more real. And then if he reciprocates…well workplace romances aren’t a good idea at the best of times

I would try and get out too it’s a strange obsession.
if you want to try and shake it first I wouldn’t let myself day dream in bed etc.
i was off the pill and yeah I just went a bit mad but with my husband I started talking about having another child and I’m 40 and I don’t want another one but my hormones had totally different ideas! I really really had to keep telling myself to stop thinking about it but it comes back every now and again. I’m back on the pill now and it’s helped calm things down though libido has gone down again!

Hormones are incredibly powerful. It’ll pass.

This happened to me with a colleague. I was 35. He’d hold a door open for me and I’d literally go weak at the knees.

It’s painful but temporary 💐

Tbf this was me years ago, when I first started the job I’m at now (16 years ago) this one guy, not even my type (good looking though, think Better looking robert pattinson) , everyone warned me he was a miserable git, but we just clicked, same humour, similar personality…we became very close, messaging (not romantic whatsoever) jokes, memes, gossiping etc. I started getting weird feelings towards him, like hardcore crush etc, sex dreams. Had a a DP and DS. We were best friends, I never acted or let him know about any of it, it fizzled out. We stayed close friends, he left 4 years later, we still message on birthdays, Christmas etc, check in and such. Sometimes that’s all it is, a crush…

I'm middle aged and peri menopausal and came off ADs last year and am currently living this too. I could practically have written your post word for word. I think for me the best I can do is distance myself from this person and be really conscious of the line between daydreams and reality. I absolutely will never go to any work socials he might be at or connect on social media. If it became impossible to avoid him I think I'd try to move departments much as I wouldn't want to move away, family comes first. My latest strategy is whenever DH annoys me or behaves inconsiderately I imagine crush behaving that way so he doesnt become my emotional crutch when things arent great in my relationship. I don't let myself pretend he'd be nicer, better in bed or kinder than my DH. It's a fantasy I'm attracted to, and need to keep reminding myself that the real him has just as many unpleasant qualities as anyone else! I do think we tend to put our best selves forward at work and real him probably isn't half as good as the fantasy man you're daydreaming about!

From someone who’s been the bystander.

Please. Please. Please. Don’t get really drunk and make a pass at them at a work party. So drunk that when a sober colleague offers you a lift home you can’t tell them your address. So then they end up in an in depth comparable assessment of who the most and least shaggable people in the office are.

Pretty please

Stay sober

But surely there is a bit of a moral issue here? I don’t feel as though I am being a very honest person with this bizarre crush.

@Iwanttenofthose thank you so much. Your post is so helpful. I think that’s such good advice about when dh annoys me etc. I know I’ve built a fantasy in my head. Whilst I’ve always found him to be polite etc I know there are a few other colleagues who have found him difficult - I need to remember that rather than the fantasy.

I agree so much with the posts on this thread. Never ever be alone with him. Don’t drink around him- avoid the work party etc.

Also is there any way you can channel your feelings into your current relationship? Can you go on a weekend away with your husband? Introduce a date night? Flirt.

Lol I had this about my boss who is much younger than me and would never be interested. I started thinking this is what it must be like to be a stalker. I actually convinced myself at times that we met in a past life etc. it's clearly just hormones ! I'm over it now but I did have to stop working with him as it got bad. Very happily married also

This could’ve been my post from 9 years ago.
Feels like temporary insanity doesn’t it?!

It will fade, what did it for me was my crush getting married. Like you I was convinced there was a huge mutual attraction, but he was about 10 years younger. Humiliatingly I know he knew, but I still work with him and all is fine.

I adore my husband, and think I really dodged a bullet - if work crush was in any way sleazy it would’ve not ended well. (And my self justification was that I KNEW he was a decent human hence the intensity of the infatuation.)

lookup threads here on ‘sex surge’ then try your best to think on other things, podcasts and audiobooks to stop the daydreaming.

See also Maladaptive Daydreaming

Think men can also go this the so called mid life crisis . My ex unfortunately acted on these feelings and it was reciprocated. Think they were both in fantasy world and reality eventually returned .But too late for him as I was disgusted and divorced him.

I was going to ask your age then I saw early 40s and off the pill with no risk of pregnancy.

Yes. This is something that happens in peri, a surge of interest! I think mine was my system shouting 'this is your last chance!!!' and yes, I developed crushes on quite a few of my acquaintances and thoroughly enjoyed the fantasies.

They were fantasies though, and they wore off.

So I'd say enjoy it, and let you and your husband enjoy the effect.

Behave.

@BountifulPantry it’s funny you say that because I know I wouldn’t want to be alone with him. Luckily with my job is it very unlikely I ever would be alone with him, it’s a big office, lots of coming and going. Might have a work trip but have only ever been on one with him (and a two others there too) in six years so think it’s likely to stay unusual.
@2JFDIYOLO up until a month or so ago I’d have agreed with you - it’s a bit of fun, what’s the harm. But now this crush is getting me down, I’m not sure why exactly. It’s just exhausting.
@Hemlocked i don’t feel it’s mental illness. I’m not stalking him. I am not connected to him on social media at all, hardly ever have to contact him on work email/messages, don’t seek him out at work (that’s hard to resist sometimes but I do manage to resist it!). Perhaps I’m a bit depressed/anxious, but I’m not some sort of stalker.