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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overwhelming crush on colleague

58 replies

Crossingtrue · 31/03/2025 21:59

I’m not sure if relationships is the right place to post this, because there is no relationship here.
Married - ups and downs but basically all good - two children. Find it all quite hard work with working full time, big mortgage. Feel huge sense of responsibility a lot of the time. DH pulls his weight though - he’s really committed to the family and does loads with the children. He also feels a heavy burden with work I think and can get quite down.
Anyway about six months ago I came off the pill (not trying for children, dh had the snip) and it was like my hormones just came roaring back to life. Having found sex a bit of a chore for a few years, suddenly I wanted it all the time. That’s died down a bit now but still am much keener on sex than I used to be which has been great for our marriage.
however around the same time I suddenly, almost out of the blue, developed this intense crush on a colleague (who is also married with children - I would not go there at all). He’s somebody I don’t even know very well, we’ve always got on ok and if I’m honest I’ve half suspected he might have liked me a bit at times but I never gave it much thought. Until now. Suddenly whenever I see him it’s like I’m fifteen again. I think about him all the fucking time, and can’t concentrate very well. I get these really intense daydreams and fantasies about us being together. Now I realise that a lot of this is probably just escapism and I also think it’s totally fine to think somebody else is attractive when you’re married, but this is another level and while it was kind of fun at first it’s like there’s this raging storm in my head now that wants something to happen (I DON’T want anything to happen).
There have been some good points - I have started taking more care of my appearance and doing more exercise and drinking less. Not deliberately related to him, more at the same time as this crush developed I had this desire to make the most of myself.
however increasingly it’s bad points. Can’t concentrate. Don’t want to get out of bed in the morning as it’s more fun daydreaming about him. (I think he would be horrified if he knew this, it’s just so embarrassing). Sometimes I ‘miss’ him which is ridiculous because I barely know him. I hope he hasn’t noticed, I don’t think so but whenever I do see him I just feel so tongue tied whereas I used to be perfectly confident around him.
anyway, what was a fun mild attraction has got stronger and stronger and I hate it. I know people talk about limerence which is a term I dislike slightly but maybe it’s that. Any advice please help.

OP posts:
EleanorRigby2U · 01/04/2025 06:34

The thing you said about maybe being a bit depressed/anxious - are you maybe using daydreaming about this guy to avoid thoughts about scary things?

You asked earlier if it really wasn’t a moral question. Everyone has their own set of morals and fantasising about this man possibly breaks your own moral code. From a strangers perspective though I don’t think there’s a moral issue. The person who is suffering in this is you because you are feeling guilty about thoughts not acted on.

SleepQuest33 · 01/04/2025 06:40

Okay OP, you’re not 15, so engage your brain. This is just hormones. Don’t do anything stupid!

TerrifiedandWorried · 01/04/2025 06:46

Google limerence. The best thing I found was not to talk about it or give it any head space. Even making this thread makes it more real. It will fade.

pinkdelight · 01/04/2025 07:09

I had similar in early 40s when I came off contraception - DH had snip so I didn’t have to feel so ‘flat’ on the implant, and like you it reignited my libido and this kind of crush. I crushed on a colleague but also on others so it wasn’t too prolonged on one person and I was very aware that it was all me/hormones and that really I didn’t fancy them at all. As in, like you I didn’t really know them and they weren’t even my type so however intense the feelings got, I was so bloody glad when the feelings passed that I never acted on them. Which I never would’ve done, so I was more in the mode of enjoying feeling things again and I - apologies if tmi - would think about them when I w*nked which actually helped rather than made the crush worse, giving it a release and that sense afterwards of ‘glad that wasn’t real or I’d feel terrible!’. It sounds like yours is maybe more risky as you don’t feel in control of it. It’s hard to tell, but you should be able to compartmentalise it as the crush you know it to be and not let it take over in real life, knowing it’s your biology (definitely a peri thing) and will pass and truly isn’t worth acting on. Perhaps it sounds counterintuitive, but maybe look elsewhere/spread it around and have more but less intense crushes then you know for certain it’s not about this guy at all and just a wave of feelings you’re going through. Keep your real life affections for your DH and you’ll be so glad you didn’t do anything to mess that up. I wouldn’t leave work either. Better to go back on the contraception if it’s that bad rather than messing with your career (or indeed marriage).

Crossingtrue · 01/04/2025 08:57

EleanorRigby2U · 01/04/2025 06:34

The thing you said about maybe being a bit depressed/anxious - are you maybe using daydreaming about this guy to avoid thoughts about scary things?

You asked earlier if it really wasn’t a moral question. Everyone has their own set of morals and fantasising about this man possibly breaks your own moral code. From a strangers perspective though I don’t think there’s a moral issue. The person who is suffering in this is you because you are feeling guilty about thoughts not acted on.

Thank you. I don’t exactly have a moral problem with the fantasy itself - I mean, everyone fantasises sometimes about other people, I’m sure dh does and that’s fine, I am not upset by that thought. It’s more that in these fantasies, when imagining him and me on a date or something like that (and of course he’s this perfect person in these fantasies which of course he isn’t in real life) I often think ‘where is dh? What’s happened to him in this fantasy? Have we divorced? Has he died?!’ And then I beat myself up because I feel I am fantasising about dh disappearing, which makes me feel terrible. So that’s the thing I have a moral problem with.

OP posts:
Crossingtrue · 01/04/2025 08:58

TerrifiedandWorried · 01/04/2025 06:46

Google limerence. The best thing I found was not to talk about it or give it any head space. Even making this thread makes it more real. It will fade.

Thank you. Writing this has actually been very helpful. I was worried it would make it more of an obsession, but there has been some really good advice here. Also nice to hear i’m not a freak and it happens to other people!

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 01/04/2025 09:15

Follow me on this metaphor, will you OP?
Have you ever been on a diet where you went off sugar or fat for a very long time? And do you remember what it was like, that first taste of something sugary after you haven't had it in months or years? I remember mine, after 2 years sugar-free. It tasted like heaven, like nothing I've ever had before.

This is it.
You were on birth control for so long, you don't remember what it's like to have normal feelings of attraction. So they feel overwhelming.
You just need to re-learn how to handle these feelings. I'm sure that before you started taking birth-control you didn't jump the bones of every attractive man you ever met? You knew how to control them back then. You can get there again.
We all have physical urges. We all find ways to deal with them. You can too.

thicklysettled · 01/04/2025 09:39

I'm right with you, OP. Though my LO (limerence object) is a surgeon who operated on my son (one-off surgery, not his ongoing doctor.)

At the time, my husband and I were going through a particularly rough patch (discussing divorce) which was exacerbated by my perimenopausal libido turning me into a horny teenage boy, while my husband's was moribund. Surgeon walked into the room and it was like someone turning the light on. (To add - the surgery was nothing serious, he wasn't charging in on a stallion to save my sons life or anything!)

I actually bumped into him couple of months ago and he gave me a hug, asked after my son, etc. which saw my limerence sky-rocket. I'd happily have abandoned my husband and kids if my surgeon had given me the nod. Without a backward glance. It really did feel like insanity.

I knew that the odds of running into him again were pretty low, so I decided to "shoot my shot" and I told him how I felt about him, in a phone call. He didn't respond in the way I hoped ("I'm leaving my wife right now, I'll be over in an hour.") but I'm so glad I told him. I don't think I'd ever have rested if I hadn't said something; the "what ifs" would have haunted me.

This situation is very different to yours, so I'm not giving you any advice as such (I would not have "confessed" my feelings to anyone I was working with) but I just wanted to show you that you're not alone. The fantasies, the daydreaming, it's all incredibly powerful. The physical response I had to my surgeon is probably the most visceral feeling I've ever had.

I hope you weather it well - be kind to yourself.

BountifulPantry · 01/04/2025 10:30

TerrifiedandWorried · 01/04/2025 06:46

Google limerence. The best thing I found was not to talk about it or give it any head space. Even making this thread makes it more real. It will fade.

I was going to say the same thing- watch YouTube videos on how to handle limerence. Lots out there.

ICanTellYouMissMe · 01/04/2025 10:36

@Crossingtruethe feelings, I’m still trying to stop. They’re better, but still present. Didn’t help when I met him by chance recently and he said he’s still got v strong feelings for me.

5 kids involved so we never acted on it, but my fucking god, it’s broken my heart so thoroughly. That’s why I say run.

Resilience · 01/04/2025 10:50

It will pass.

Honestly, this happens more often than people like to admit. It’s not a moral crime to be married and find someone else ridiculously attractive. It’s only wrong if you let something develop from it. If you don’t act on it and prioritise doing things to keep the relationship strong with your DH, I promise it will fade.

Just be sure you don’t stoke it by:
Being alone together
Having private WhatsApp chats
Comparing him to your DH and getting irritable with DH because he doesn’t measure up to your fantasy version of the crush.

thehedgehog · 01/04/2025 10:54

I know from experience that when you have a massive crush on someone if you do end up getting together they will never live up to your expectations because you only know little snippets about them and your brain fills in the gaps with idealisation. The person in your fantasy is a million miles away from the real living and breathing man you’ve based your perfection on and trust me he could never live up to your dream version of him and you’d be very disappointed.

JudithWithABigKnife · 01/04/2025 11:05

Crossingtrue · 01/04/2025 08:57

Thank you. I don’t exactly have a moral problem with the fantasy itself - I mean, everyone fantasises sometimes about other people, I’m sure dh does and that’s fine, I am not upset by that thought. It’s more that in these fantasies, when imagining him and me on a date or something like that (and of course he’s this perfect person in these fantasies which of course he isn’t in real life) I often think ‘where is dh? What’s happened to him in this fantasy? Have we divorced? Has he died?!’ And then I beat myself up because I feel I am fantasising about dh disappearing, which makes me feel terrible. So that’s the thing I have a moral problem with.

Honestly, OP, I would let yourself off the 'moral' hook entirely here. You don't want your DH to die, or to divorce him, this is a completely harmless fantasy scenario. (Have a look at a recent thread on fantasy lives on here for comparison -- many, many people have involved, vivid fantasy lives that they spend hours a day dwelling on, and which involve scenarios which involve disinventing their children and marriages.)

My therapist said once that she sees this kind of fantasy (involving another person) very frequently in clients. She would tell you that this fantasy is doing some kind of 'job' for you. It's useful to you, or it has been useful to you, consciously or unconsciously, and it may be helpful to you as a way of coming to terms with it to try to think about what role the fantasy is playing in your life, what its 'job' is. Why him etc.

I suspect, for instance, that the fact that you hardly know him, that he's a comparatively distant and unavailable figure, is key here. You've chosen someone at a safe distance. Not someone who is going to proposition you and present you with the real possibility of breaking up your life as it is. There's a kind of wisdom to your choice.

(For instance, I now understand exactly what role my own 'crush/fantasy' played in my life several years ago, though it's easy with hindsight. That I chose someone who was a little bit available, but not too available, and that I cast him to play a particular role in my head, when he was really quite different. Also, something you might find helpful, when he seemed to start 'seeing' me, I was actually horrified. I remember seeing his name come up on my phone a few times in quick succession, being horrorstruck, and not picking up. I think unconsciously I knew I wanted to keep him at a safe distance.)

AnonyLonnymouse · 01/04/2025 11:37

Be very, very careful OP as you are just one bad decision from blowing everything wide, wide open! Your children, your DH, your home... Your children.

Do not drink alcohol.
Do not email him.
Do not message him.
Do not obtain his number.
Do not hang around in quiet places at work or work late, always be with someone.

The feelings are already in place and you are literally primed to have sex with this man. He’s not going to say no, very few men would! So what you have to absolutely eliminate is the risk or opportunity. Or squash the feelings.

You have good intentions, sure, but this is exactly how good people have affairs! Very rarely do people set out for it to happen.

I am now going to scare you by saying that I suspect that he (and others) might already know. Feelings of this kind are not easily hidden and are probably revealing themselves in your body language, your gaze, the extra pheromones floating around. He has probably clocked it and others will have picked up on it too. No one will say anything about it as your behaviour is currently beyond reproach, but if your behaviour changes then they will know.

The only way to squash your feelings is to talk to your husband.

JudithWithABigKnife · 01/04/2025 11:43

AnonyLonnymouse · 01/04/2025 11:37

Be very, very careful OP as you are just one bad decision from blowing everything wide, wide open! Your children, your DH, your home... Your children.

Do not drink alcohol.
Do not email him.
Do not message him.
Do not obtain his number.
Do not hang around in quiet places at work or work late, always be with someone.

The feelings are already in place and you are literally primed to have sex with this man. He’s not going to say no, very few men would! So what you have to absolutely eliminate is the risk or opportunity. Or squash the feelings.

You have good intentions, sure, but this is exactly how good people have affairs! Very rarely do people set out for it to happen.

I am now going to scare you by saying that I suspect that he (and others) might already know. Feelings of this kind are not easily hidden and are probably revealing themselves in your body language, your gaze, the extra pheromones floating around. He has probably clocked it and others will have picked up on it too. No one will say anything about it as your behaviour is currently beyond reproach, but if your behaviour changes then they will know.

The only way to squash your feelings is to talk to your husband.

Edited

I think that's wildly melodramatic. This is a 'safe' daydream about someone unavailable. Did you miss the bit where she doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning, because it's more pleasant to daydream about him? Rather than go to work and actually be around him?

HearMeSnore · 01/04/2025 11:52

So much here is familiar to me. Everything you said applies to me too, right down to languishing in bed to spend time in my fantasy world. The only difference is that the object of my daydream is a celebrity who I likely will never even meet. His personality in my made-up world is entirely based on his demeanour in a few interviews, and the whole scenario is so completely impossible it may as well be science-fiction. Which, to my mind, makes it a relatively “safe” crush. It still doesn’t stop me wasting time and headspace but at least I’m not likely to do something stupid and bust up my family!
I think it was starting HRT that caused it for me. My hormones went bananas and I latched onto this actor who happened to be on TV at the time.

I trust it will pass. Yours will too, as long as you keep it all in your head and out of the office.

AnonyLonnymouse · 01/04/2025 11:53

If affairs were rare then I would completely agree with you!

A ‘safe’ crush would be a one on a celebrity or someone not in her day-to-day life. This one is far more risky.

Crossingtrue · 01/04/2025 12:08

@thehedgehog absolutely - I know full well he would never live up to the fantasy!
@JudithWithABigKnife thank you for your kind words. I read somewhere a few days ago that sometimes with limerence (still not sure what I think about that term) that the person we get fixated on normally has something or does something that we admire/would like for ourselves. And that really got me thinking, because my mum has been diagnosed with cancer (all began a few months before this ludicrous crush) and whilst it can be managed with treatment she’s almost certainly not going to see my children become adults. I don’t know why but that thought in particular makes me really sad. And the person I’ve written about here, the very little I do know of him, he comes across as very capable, he’s quite serious, I know some find him a bit intimidating. And I think that I admire how he doesn’t seem to worry endlessly about other people and seems very determined and confident. Of course that could all be a huge act. But I think that might be why I am suddenly attracted to him.

OP posts:
Crossingtrue · 01/04/2025 12:11

AnonyLonnymouse · 01/04/2025 11:53

If affairs were rare then I would completely agree with you!

A ‘safe’ crush would be a one on a celebrity or someone not in her day-to-day life. This one is far more risky.

Thanks - I really don’t think i’m about to jump into bed with him (even if he was remotely interested!).
I do worry that he’s slightly clocked it. Last week I was making a cup of tea and I happened to look up, hasn’t realised he was nearby, and he was looking straight at me. I froze a bit and couldn’t work out why he was looking at me, then I smiled and just walked away. That interaction was totally weird and did scare me a bit. I think it’s why this week I’ve started worrying about it more!

thanks so much for all the advice everyone.

OP posts:
Sweetlikechoc25 · 01/04/2025 15:04

This is me 6 mths in. I'm married he's not. There was a definite spark at first not sure now for him. But he's charming, young and good looking so probably has lots of women crushing on him which makes me feel foolish for giving him those puppy dogs eyes. I feel like I could jump him whenever I see him, it's quite primal. I'm late peri and it's the final sex surge of fertility where Mother Nature is finding me a suitable mating partner (don't seem to crush on Nigel from accounts lol)

It's like an addiction and is very painful as when he acknowledges or compliments me I get a huge dopamine hit and if he's not in the office or I don't speak to him I get a crushing low. I like you also get a dopamine hit just thinking about him or looking at his profile on SM - so it is a fantasy in my head.

This week I'n trying to distract my thoughts. I read somewhere to count down from 5 to engage the front brain and focus.

Other advice is to avoid and 100% don't act on it. It's hard but it will pass. I sympathise as having a man living in your head is tough!

thicklysettled · 01/04/2025 16:57

Sweetlikechoc25 · 01/04/2025 15:04

This is me 6 mths in. I'm married he's not. There was a definite spark at first not sure now for him. But he's charming, young and good looking so probably has lots of women crushing on him which makes me feel foolish for giving him those puppy dogs eyes. I feel like I could jump him whenever I see him, it's quite primal. I'm late peri and it's the final sex surge of fertility where Mother Nature is finding me a suitable mating partner (don't seem to crush on Nigel from accounts lol)

It's like an addiction and is very painful as when he acknowledges or compliments me I get a huge dopamine hit and if he's not in the office or I don't speak to him I get a crushing low. I like you also get a dopamine hit just thinking about him or looking at his profile on SM - so it is a fantasy in my head.

This week I'n trying to distract my thoughts. I read somewhere to count down from 5 to engage the front brain and focus.

Other advice is to avoid and 100% don't act on it. It's hard but it will pass. I sympathise as having a man living in your head is tough!

I agree with everything you said - especially "having someone living in your head". I'm particularly tragic in that I found a bunch of photos of him online and saved them to my phone. I also picked out some unflattering ones too, so whenever I look at the "good" photos I make myself look at the bad ones. It is a hit, you're absolutely right.

Iwanttenofthose · 01/04/2025 18:05

thicklysettled · 01/04/2025 16:57

I agree with everything you said - especially "having someone living in your head". I'm particularly tragic in that I found a bunch of photos of him online and saved them to my phone. I also picked out some unflattering ones too, so whenever I look at the "good" photos I make myself look at the bad ones. It is a hit, you're absolutely right.

I empathise, but you're crossing a line between fantasy and reality with the photos. You need to delete them, whether they're flattering or not. You're married.

PiriPiriMenopause · 01/04/2025 18:24

Oh I’ve been there!

Not too dissimilar to your situation in some regards, but it wasn’t someone I worked with!

I just internalised it. A LOT. I knew it was nonsense but the feelings were there and it was driving me insane at times but I would always just allow myself to feel like that because my situation was very similar to yours, and I knew that actually despite how I was feeling it was all very “safe”. I knew that actually it wasn’t “him” but just more the idea of who I thought he’d be, or the qualities he had that I desired (probably more for myself than anything in DH that he was lacking at a very difficult period). He had no idea which was the important thing.

I also knew it would pass. It took a long, long time and in all honesty it’s not gone away entirely but it doesn’t consume me now. It’s more balanced and although I’ll never probably be totally happy in my marital situation due to many complex reasons it’s just how life is. As you say, it’s escapism. What from? Well, only you can work it out. I enjoy the balance now and the positive motivation it gives me to achieve what I need to.

don’t be hard on yourself, you can’t help the way you feel! You’re a human female with feelings not a robot. You’re never going to act on it or confess to anyone so just go with it until it simmers down.

Hormones are just a pain in the arse at times and the brain is a powerful projector of all kinds of things! But don’t do anything drastic with your lifestyle because of it. Just understand it and be kind to yourself.

Sweetlikechoc25 · 01/04/2025 18:33

Well I popped into my office to drop something off today and I was introduced by my boss to the person (let's call her Lily) sitting next to him as she was her daughter. Lilly turned around to her Mum and me and we had a chat about her uni so he could only hear me and not see me. He did not turn around once. I found it a bit disrespectful to be ignored and whichever way I think it I can't spin this one.

I think I've got my crush crushed. Time to acknowledge this was def a fantasy in my head and forget about it.

PinkFox28 · 01/04/2025 19:13

I’m in the middle of the same situation OP and somehow we got tipsy at a work social…

Intense, amazing, foolish, amazing. I can’t say I regret what’s happened. I’m 70% comfortable with a grenade going off in my life. I’m peri-menopausal for sure (recently started HRT). My H hasn’t invested in our relationship for a long time. I felt invisible, unattractive and taken for granted.

And now I feel incredible. Just wow.

So I suppose if you want to avoid that happening to you, don’t be alone with him and don’t involve alcohol!! I feel intoxicated. I don’t know where this is going (he’s 10 years younger than me), but it’s just wow.

Yes, I’ve lost the power of speech and common sense. We’re both partners in a law firm and should be more rational. He’s so damn attractive and fit and I’m massively attracted to him being a high flier as well as such a lovely guy (few years as colleagues before now).