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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

29 replies

NewSheep · 31/03/2025 19:14

Hi everyone,

I'm struggling with my relationship at the moment in terms of not knowing what to do.
My partner has 3 children and I have 2. Only my youngest who is 12 is living with us.
Over the last couple of months his ex has been messaging him about his 2 eldest children who keep refusing to go to school, to the point they will barricade themselves their bedrooms. He has had words with them, has taken detours on his way to work to take them to school which 98% of the time they will listen and go to school but any other day they won't. He's giving the ex advice on what to do or try but she doesn't discipline them ( they can still use their phones/games/playstations etc)
Now it has got to the point where he wants them to move in with us and I think the mum will let them. Now I have no issues with the kids themselves but when they do come down on weekends/school holidays, it becomes very stressful, hectic and some fall outs. I know this is normal with children but I can't help feel like this will all be too much full time. My daughter is not happy that she will have to share a room with his daughter (10) full time and his son would be sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room. Until we can afford a 3 bed it's going to be very cramped.
My partner has said it's either his kids move in or we end our relationship and he moves out with the kids. I just don't know how to feel I don't want to end it between us but also I feel I wouldn't cope and don't feel it's fair on my daughter having to share her room full time, she doesn't like it now, which is only every other weekend. I know this sounds so selfish of me but I'm getting myself in such a state. Any advice would be appreciated thank you :)

OP posts:
DrummingMousWife · 31/03/2025 19:16

I would let him move out. Why should your dd be unhappy in her own home? He is right to take care of his kids, you are right to take care of yours - let him go.

Userengage · 31/03/2025 19:18

It’s not fair on your DC, it’s wouldn’t be fair on his DC although I think he’s right that they should move in with him but into his own house where there is space and bedrooms for all.

Sounds over to me since that is his ultimatum. I’m assuming it’s your house.

Loadsapandas · 31/03/2025 19:20

sounds like you both need separate houses to do right by your DC

Your DD shouldn’t have to share a room, his DS definitely shouldn’t be on a sofa.

If DP feels that ends the relationship (drastic) then so be it, he should put his DC first as should you.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 31/03/2025 19:21

You don't have to split up, but you can live apart until the kids are grown up.

He's prioritising his dc, and you're prioritising yours.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:21

Call his bluff. Say that you're not prepared to live with his children and see what he does.

Under no circumstances would I be subjecting my own child to a couple of teenagers who barricade themselves in their room rather than go to school.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:22

Does he have anywhere to go

TwistedWonder · 31/03/2025 19:24

Don’t do this to your DD. She needs to come first right now and feel happy in her own home.

Maybe staying in a relationship and living separately is the way forward here.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/03/2025 20:37

Put your daughter first. That’s it.

soarklyknobs · 31/03/2025 21:28

There’s nothing wrong with living in different houses and dating; surely that’s preferable to forcing your DD to share a room with someone she doesn’t want to and feeling outnumbered in her own home.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/03/2025 21:41

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:21

Call his bluff. Say that you're not prepared to live with his children and see what he does.

Under no circumstances would I be subjecting my own child to a couple of teenagers who barricade themselves in their room rather than go to school.

If OP called his bluff and he let down his kids when they're obviously in crisis then I wouldn't want him anyway. What half decent person can respect a parent who does that? He's doing the right thing by his kids, OP should do the right thing by herself, they don't have to split, but they do need to both put their kids first and they can live apart and still have a relationship.

SunflowerTed · 31/03/2025 23:18

Id let him find somewhere of his own to live. Not fair on you or your daughter

Catoo · 31/03/2025 23:25

Agree with PP.
I would let him go.
Bet he doesn’t find a place and move them in with him when you do.
Bet you do more than your fair share running round after everyone when they stay over.

Them moving into a 2 bed house will be chaos? Is it your house?

DurinsBane · 31/03/2025 23:29

Catoo · 31/03/2025 23:25

Agree with PP.
I would let him go.
Bet he doesn’t find a place and move them in with him when you do.
Bet you do more than your fair share running round after everyone when they stay over.

Them moving into a 2 bed house will be chaos? Is it your house?

‘Bet you do more than your fair share running round after everyone when they stay over’
Where did you get that from?!

EMary12345 · 31/03/2025 23:36

Agree with others - stay together but live apart. You can always revisit it in the future if you want to try living together? Maybe once you've saved enough for a bigger house or when the teens move out?

outerspacepotato · 31/03/2025 23:41

You know moving his kids in would not end well for you and your daughter. Her home should be her safe place and it won't be.

Tell him it's time for him to find a new place to live for him and his children.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/03/2025 23:49

outerspacepotato · 31/03/2025 23:41

You know moving his kids in would not end well for you and your daughter. Her home should be her safe place and it won't be.

Tell him it's time for him to find a new place to live for him and his children.

Agree with others, this is one of those times where living apart makes sense. He needs to prioritise his kids, and you need to prioritise yours. The potential living arrangements you describe sound cramped and frankly unworkable even if your dd was up for it, which she understandably isn’t. You don’t need to split up as such, just have a different set of living arrangements for now.

PinkD87 · 31/03/2025 23:57

do you already live together? It’s a lot to add another 2 children to a 2 bed house. Your daughter suddenly sharing is a lot to ask, as is a sofa for his son. Is there any way of resolving this (do you have a dining room you can convert into a bedroom? Can you split one of the bedrooms with a divider?)

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 01/04/2025 00:02

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/03/2025 20:37

Put your daughter first. That’s it.

^ This.

WaryHiker · 01/04/2025 03:08

You already shouldn't be living with him if your daughter is unhappy with the situation. I bet she dreads the weekends someone invades her home and she is forced to share her safe space with a child she dislikes.

You haven't been putting her first until now. Now is your chance to do so.

shiningstar2 · 01/04/2025 03:22

Not selfish op ...just different priorities.
You naturally put your daughter first. His children are struggling and he is putting his children first. On one level people will say that the relationship between the two of you should come first but in general the reality of this is that you can put your child and the relationship first because you get to love with your child.
He doesn't live with his and in some ways it makes a welcome change to see a divorced dad prioritising his kids ...so many on here don't. I can see how hard it would be for you to have his kids in a two bedroomed house and. a lot of poster are, rightly, praising you for prioritising your own child. I wouldn't make it a deal breaker if he had to prioritise his for a while. If you really can't move into a bigger place and/or understandably don't want the massive commitment of his kids full time tell him you understand his predicament, keep the relationship but go back to separate living for a while. 💐

TerrorAustralis · 01/04/2025 03:35

I agree with the PPs. You’re not being selfish, you’re prioritising your DD. Equally, he’s prioritising his DC. You’re both being good parents, but it means you can’t live together for the time being.

It’s his call whether he’s willing to continue the relationship while you live apart. If he’s not, then it shows he thinks you should put him and his DC over your DD, in which case, you and your DD are better off without him.

Asyousayit · 01/04/2025 03:48

He sounds like he's trying to prioritise his kids and you prioritise yours. There won't be a good outcome in this, end this now for your own sanity and think about your daughter.

Lurkingandlearning · 01/04/2025 05:20

That seems like emotional blackmail to me. The sensible and fair solution would be for him to move out to a place where his son can have a proper bed and continue seeing you. Why does your relationship have to end because his parenting commitments have changed?

BCBird · 01/04/2025 05:29

You snd ur daughter 's relationship comes first

cheshirebloke · 01/04/2025 05:30

You either need to get a huge house together with separate living spaces, or he needs to get his own place separately. You can carry on your relationship, just no living together. I'm in this situation myself, no prospect of living with my partner as we have 5 kids between us. Been 5 years so far, and will probably be at least another 5 until the kids are old enough for us to possibly live together.

Also, if his kids move to live with him, it needs to be all 3 of them if possible. Seems wrong to split them up and leave the youngest alone with their mother, who is apparently struggling with parenting.