Am I being selfish?

[NewSheep]

Hi everyone,

I'm struggling with my relationship at the moment in terms of not knowing what to do.
My partner has 3 children and I have 2. Only my youngest who is 12 is living with us.
Over the last couple of months his ex has been messaging him about his 2 eldest children who keep refusing to go to school, to the point they will barricade themselves their bedrooms. He has had words with them, has taken detours on his way to work to take them to school which 98% of the time they will listen and go to school but any other day they won't. He's giving the ex advice on what to do or try but she doesn't discipline them ( they can still use their phones/games/playstations etc)
Now it has got to the point where he wants them to move in with us and I think the mum will let them. Now I have no issues with the kids themselves but when they do come down on weekends/school holidays, it becomes very stressful, hectic and some fall outs. I know this is normal with children but I can't help feel like this will all be too much full time. My daughter is not happy that she will have to share a room with his daughter (10) full time and his son would be sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room. Until we can afford a 3 bed it's going to be very cramped.
My partner has said it's either his kids move in or we end our relationship and he moves out with the kids. I just don't know how to feel I don't want to end it between us but also I feel I wouldn't cope and don't feel it's fair on my daughter having to share her room full time, she doesn't like it now, which is only every other weekend. I know this sounds so selfish of me but I'm getting myself in such a state. Any advice would be appreciated thank you :)

The children’s needs must be prioritised. If it’s best to live separately, so be it.

My partner has said it's either his kids move in or we end our relationship and he moves out with the kids

Two things:

You absolutely need to put your daughter first. Moving his children into an overcrowded house would be very detrimental to her and would almost certainly end in chaos.

However, the fact that he is presenting this crazy scenario as an ultimatum shows his true colours. Not a keeper in my opinion.

how old are they? If the boy is old enough, it might be cheaper to house him in an insulated wooden pod/quality garden office room in the garden. I know three teens (different families) who live like this and they love the space, it eases relationships as a result.

I don’t think neither of you are in the wrong, you’re both prioritising the kids.

what about him having his kids Monday morning till Friday morning and she has them every Friday Saturday Sunday? Even if she has to move her weekend commitments to week day. As long as you don’t do their childcare for him and you can take your daughter out alone, focus on her routines and her happiness and hobbies.

however I must point out that you are assuming their school avoidance is a discipline issue when in-fact it could be related to overwhelm or social anxiety. Punishing social anxiety isn’t going to improve their mental health if this is the case. Getting to the bottom of why they don’t want to go is key. We ended up home educating our boy (expensive as he had a great range of community and home activities) but he was so much happier. He’s now at college doing science A levels.

Alternatively you can both live separately and have date nights for a few years. Focus on your kids. Not ideal to live apart but worth it for the peace of mind. I appreciate a calm household.

Secondly the ultimatum he has given you is harsh, although obviously he needs to prioritise his kids and you need to prioritise your daughter. It’s strange he’s said he would end the relationship if they didn’t move in, rather then wind the relationship ship back to dating while living apart. This alone would make me question the whole relationship and his love for you. He wants all or nothing but should want all or as much time with you as possible.