Feeling guilty about my past love life

[forestayportrait]

Im 26, in a happy relationship for 5+ years yet can't stop thinking about the past.

I had an awful childhood which I assume is where my previous behaviour came from (child of an abusive alcoholic) and am my own worst critic, and when I think about myself from the ages between 18-21 I cringe.

I had a few relationships one after the other, some serious and not so serious. They always were with older partners (usually 7 years minimum) who had some sort of addiction/partying issue. I absolutely had a major anxious attachment, would cause arguments during and then would be devastated in breakups, begging to be taken back, lashing out and making a fool of myself etc. None of my relationships were healthy and my brain is only letting me remember my side and things I said/did in the relationship, not what I reacted to.

I have an amazing partner now and feel like I really got myself together, did therapy, haven't had alcohol for years, feel like I just really grew up in my mid 20s and I look back at the past and feel physically sick. I hate the idea I was so volatile, so argumentative and just probably seen in a bad light. I dont miss any of these relationships or ever want to connect, but when I look at myself with my partner - I feel so ashamed that I was ever that person.

If I was speaking to a friend, Id think 18-21 is so young and naturally you're meant to make mistakes, but because its me, Im stuck in a shame cycle and can't see it that way. I hate the idea I hurt anyone and feel like I am not allowed to be happy or move on. Does anyone have any advice?

Oh, blimey don't beat yourself up. You are not the only one who had previous attachment issues. I still had loads of stuff I had to work on at 26, carrying on well into my thirties.

I had a pretty poor childhood and I had to relearn everything in terms of how to have successful relationships with other people. It takes time, it takes practice, and it takes a lot of mistakes along the way.

The important thing is growth and being able to reflect honestly on your own accountability. If you can take responsibility for your mistakes, but learn from them and do better in future, you're doing great. But it is absolutely ok to make mistakes.

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I think I just feel like I made so many mistakes, patterns repeating themselves etc and it makes me feel almost tainted in a way.

Bump

Look into the work of buddhist monk Tich Nhat Hanh. His book Reconciliation offers a lot of insight into how we can accept and move on from feelings of regret, anger, and shame over past experiences. You are not the person you once were. Bit you don’t need to reject her or blame her or hold her shame in order to move forward. Its ok to look back, ruefully, and love and pity her confusion and mistakes. That was then. She did what she could, as she could. But now you live your life. With new choices and possibilities.

You're absolutely not tainted in any way. I'm sure your partners at the time weren't paragons of virtue either.

Everyone on earth makes mistake and that's ok x

Mid 20s is when people's personalities start to settle.

Up until then, young people are on an incredibly strong forward trajectory. That starts slowing down in mid-20s, you are more separated from your teen self than what you were, you now have a few young adult years already behind you and are half-way to becoming 30.

I think you're having a bit of a wobble because you don't trust this stability, this contentedness, so you're starting to ruminate.

If you've had a volatile upbringing where you couldn't rely on adults around you, it may actually feel safer to lean into that volatility, for you to artificially generate a sort of controlled chaos so that you feel somehow in control of it, so that you don't end up let down once again, so that there aren't nasty, unexpected surprises rather than simply being passively subjected to this. A contented life may feel scary & unknown, but that just shows how fragile you still might be and the fact that your need to work on personal resilience to deal with any unfortunate events.

It's not that productive to keep beat yourself up, but it is productive to make an on-going commitment to try and live a better life. Be kind to your past self. You did not know then, what you do now.

Oh bless your heart OP.

I too had form for some pretty embarrassing/humiliatingly sexual experiences and relationships when I was young.

To cut a very long story short , I grew up with parents that were very much in love and each others 'onlys'. It was drilled into me that basically I had to be in love with someone to have sex with them. So, as you know, hormones raging, add in alcohol and very low self esteem - I made plenty of very undesirable mistakes. Because of what was drilled into me- I had a LOT of shame. Which lowered my already low self esteem. I also did 'stalkerish' things when I was attracted to someone that didn't feel the same back. I was very rejection sensitive. When I say stalkerish, I don't mean it in the literal sense , but in the colloquial, what groups of men would call "bunny boiler" behaviour. It fills me still sometimes with utter "cringe" and makes me wince when I remember it. I'd never usually talk about all this. But I didn't want you to feel alone.

I'm married now and have been for many years. Happy little family (ups and downs like all marriages of course ). Eventually you become your present and not your past. People do change (I certainly did). I gave up alcohol as a lot of my dodgy encounters were heavily linked with it.

I still cringe from time to time if a fleeting memory pops up like a bobbing corpse. Or if I walk past someone that was one of those dodgy encounters, but overall, do you know what? I forgive myself. I wasn't a bad person. I was just a lost, vulnerable girl with low self esteem just trying to be loved.

I'm now mostly confident, stable, wiser and more 'hardy' because of those experiences.

Try to be kind to your self. Youthfulness causes chaotic and impulsive behaviour anyway regardless - the brain isn't fully developed.

Don't keep looking back in the past. You're not going that way 😘

Ps I also did all the volatile, argumentative, jealous, nightmarish stuff too. I can't even recognise that person today, honestly. I'm so mellow now, I couldn't start a drama with my DH if I wanted to 😁

Yes, I did that too. I constantly caused problems because I was seeking reassurance in unhealthy ways.

It took me a (long) while to realise that I had to reassure myself or ask for reassurance in a relaxed way.

Don't you think these older men were rather exploiting your youth and vulnerability? I doubt they were your victims. They weren't exactly stable themselves, so I'm not sure why you're seeing yourself as the bad guy.

But you should feel compassion for your younger self, and even admiration for having achieved a healthy relationship. Look at yourself through the eyes of a loving mother. I know it's easier said than done, especially if you never knew a loving mother. But it's okay: we all instinctively know what that may feel, to be looked at with compassion and understanding. You need to find that inside you.

This is absolutely spot on. I’ve done this to a degree my whole life - as soon as I’m happy or things are well, I wait for the shoe to drop essentially. I feel stuck and just ruminate waiting for the next bad thing.

Thank you so much! This is exactly me to a T. I feel like sometimes I live with a lot of shame and hate to be perceived. So for example, I hate going back to my hometown and don’t use social media as I don’t want to ever come across one of those old partners!! I know deep down I was dealing with a lot and that’s why I acted the way I did, but can’t help but be humiliated because I doubt the other party sees it that way! Even the idea they may have texts from me or whatever from 6+ years ago makes my stomach churn!

I do think this a lot, as I was 18/19 for example and my boyfriend at the time was 26/27. I sometimes try to be logical and remind myself this wasn’t normal and seems quite seedy, but I think my brain fights back with the reminder that absolutely nobody around me questioned it at the time and just let it happen. I’m around the age of that ex now, and could never see myself dating someone as young as that, so I will never understand it.

This is exactly how I used to be , exactly the same. Sometimes I'd even try to sabotage something good to avoid the inevitable disappointment that I felt would come.

But what we forget is, we're assuming that we're the only ones with a past. But most people do have a past that has at least one damning thing in it that reflects poorly on their character. Most people have many ! I think I judged myself extra harshly as my parents literally lived a very "straight /square" life (and good for them !its a privilege!) but it's only really when I got older I realised it wasn't actually me that had the more atypical life experience. (Although some of my mistakes would make your toes curl !)

A healthy person shouldn't actually really care too much about your past relationships. My DH is older than me , and when we first dated immature me asked him how many people he had slept with and he (politely and with grace) told me that wasn't really any of my business. And you know what, he was right. So , hence , your past relationship arguments or lack of decorum (solidarity!) isn't your partner's concern.

I can probably make you feel better about yourself on that one....

When I was only 17 I was fooling around with a man in his mid 30s (he was not single ) I was so lonely, sad and lost at the time and wanted to be 'looked after' I thought we were in love and 'star crossed lovers'. My mum called me some horrible names. Of course, for him, I was a muse, an ego boost. I realised that as I got older. I felt disgusted and horrified with myself as I got older. I still fully blame myself to be honest. But it it was my daughter, I know I'd have thought much differently of that situation.

I can join in again too. When I was 16, I started chasing after my best friend's boyfriend, who was in his early twenties. She was 16 too (in fact even younger than I was) so she shouldn't have been dating him either.

He was an absolute sleazebag and he shouldn't have been chasing after the pair of us, but I certainly took my part in the whole situation. I was mooning after the idiot for months. I've even got an embarrassing diary from then complete with badly drawn pictures of him.

What can I do about it now though? I'm 41 years old with a lifetime between then and now. Luckily my friend forgave me and we're still close. It won't do me any good to beat myself up about it. I know why I was desperate to cling on to a man I thought I was powerful and admirable. I've realised since that my worth isn't tied up in whoever's opinion of me and I don't do silly things anymore. It's ok to be an idiot when you're young and you're working through trauma. It would be a miracle if I hadn't done anything dumb at some point!

Exactly. I agree with InspiritingNotion. You had a rocky start and went off the rails. You are not tainted. We all have memories of our youth that make us cringe. Try and find a way to let it go.

Bless you.

I did read once that gunning for someone who isn't available (married, in a relationship etc etc ) is often tied up with low self worth. That you don't believe you deserve a "whole" person of your own. It certainly rings true for me in my 17yr old self example.

Glad you're also out the other side of the young silly things we do !

Yes, definitely that was part of it. I also felt safer pursuing someone in a relationship because it kept me at a distance from their emotional needs.

I won't say I never do anything that lacks sense these days, but it's rare. I'd be happy to call myself someone with a secure attachment style.

Yes, it was a hard learning experience - glad you're out of it too. I did have some interesting times at least, which fulfills a spirit of adventure.

Oh absolutely - my partner knows mostly everything anyway! I think it’s more how I feel about the situations if they were viewed externally. For example, the ex I’ve mentioned I’ve heard from mutual friends isn’t doing too well, even 7/8 years on and I worry that our relationship did that to him (I left him just before my 20th birthday). He’d be 35/36 now and I don’t get how he’s in a worse place now from what I’ve been told than what he was. I worry I’ve damaged him, which is so silly cause I’m talking about a nearly 40 year old.

Think of your early sexual experiences and relationships like learning to drive around your city. You make wrong turns and get lost especially when you don't have a map of being in healthy family relationships ie only one way to do things to fall back on. You get in the wrong lane and bang, you're in Hoboken instead of Midtown. No shame. You were learning and look at how you're doing now.

Yes.

Continue to be the best version of yourself, today, for your partner today - and also for yourself.

Forgive the immature, hurt person you once were. Do not bury the past, but do let go of it.

It sounds like you’ve done some amazing work and really grabbed life with both hands, after a terrible childhood. It also sounds like, much as you regret your late teenage/ early 20s behaviour and can consciously rationalise a lot of it, you are subconsciously still blaming yourself for decisions you made.
In many respects you were still a child during those years- your brain isn’t fully developed until you are quite far into your 20s and back then, you will have acted out based on all manner of things that are quite easily explained (and justified/ forgiven).

I honestly think, as an outsider looking in, that you ought to be bloody proud of yourself for how you have turned things around. I behaved much like you (for a far longer period- into my early 30s, so I can’t even blame my youth!! And I didn’t have anything close to the trauma that it sounds like you experienced). I’m sure loads of people from all different backgrounds will have periods in their youth that bring them regret and shame, and yet they are able to move on and not let it eat them up. But then, what I see objectively about you doesn’t matter because I’m not the one who has to live inside your brain.
If you are open to more therapy then I would recommend doing some inner child work. I dismissed this as a pile of crap when I encountered it in therapy, but it has worked well for me. There is, somewhere within you, still a little girl trying to make sense of what happened to her. And I’m not sure you’ve forgiven her, deep down, for something that has happened along the way. You do need to reconcile this new version of yourself with the core of who you are, and all that you’ve experienced. I hope this makes sense/ speaks to you.
I also wonder if you are still physically carrying trauma at a cellular level. You can find, for free, on YouTube TRE courses (trauma release exercises) developed by David Berceli.

You have worked so hard and come so far. I’m sorry that you are still experiencing such pain.

I do get what you mean , totally. Most of the men I dated weren't very nice men if I'm honest. But a couple were. And I probably treated those two the worst. My first love particularly was such a good person and I was so possessive and dramatic in that relationship. I cruelly dumped him too and at the time I really rubbed salt in his wounds. Reader, I got my karma, with bells on. And I deserved it.

But going back to your feelings in this situation - I mean this with kindness , the saying "not everything is about you" applies here. A saying I've had to tell myself before. So what's happened or happening to him right now likely has absolutely diddly squat to do with you. Sometimes an apology is cathartic if you really feel that bad. Something I've considered previously. But then I think you're kind of foisting yourself (and perhaps bad memories) onto them unasked. It may make you feel better, but not them. So I think ultimately, leaving them alone is the right thing to do. I guarantee you have not caused his misery now though.

When we feel bad about ourselves and feel guilt for our past behaviours, I think personally you can start become quite self absorbed (I speak for myself mainly ) so everytime someone is a bit offy with you, or in a bad mood etc , your inner radar starts screaming " what have I done ? What have they discovered about me ? They're like this because of me " If you see what I mean. Most of the time other people's feelings are not related to us. I'm not sure whether I'm making sense? I hope so !

Some people would recommend counselling to get it all out. I personally never really got on with it. But many people seem to.