Page 2 | Feeling guilty about my past love life

forestayportrait · 2025-03-31T14:51:48+00:00

Im 26, in a happy relationship for 5+ years yet can't stop thinking about the past. I had an awful childhood which I assume is where my previous behaviour came from (child of an abusive alcoholic) and am my own worst critic, and when I think about myself from the ages between 18-21 I cringe. I had a few relationships one after the other, some serious and not so serious. They always were with older partners (usually 7 years minimum) who had some sort of addiction/partying issue. I absolutely had a major anxious attachment, would cause arguments during and then would be devastated in breakups, begging to be taken back, lashing out and making a fool of myself etc. None of my relationships were healthy and my brain is only letting me remember my side and things I said/did in the relationship, not what I reacted to. I have an amazing partner now and feel like I really got myself together, did therapy, haven't had alcohol for years, feel like I just really grew up in my mid 20s and I look back at the past and feel physically sick. I hate the idea I was so volatile, so argumentative and just probably seen in a bad light. I dont miss any of these relationships or ever want to connect, but when I look at myself with my partner - I feel so ashamed that I was ever that person. If I was speaking to a friend, Id think 18-21 is so young and naturally you're meant to make mistakes, but because its me, Im stuck in a shame cycle and can't see it that way. I hate the idea I hurt anyone and feel like I am not allowed to be happy or move on. Does anyone have any advice?

Original poster

forestayportrait · 31/03/2025 22:44

SquashedMallow · 31/03/2025 22:21

I do get what you mean , totally. Most of the men I dated weren't very nice men if I'm honest. But a couple were. And I probably treated those two the worst. My first love particularly was such a good person and I was so possessive and dramatic in that relationship. I cruelly dumped him too and at the time I really rubbed salt in his wounds. Reader, I got my karma, with bells on. And I deserved it.

But going back to your feelings in this situation - I mean this with kindness , the saying "not everything is about you" applies here. A saying I've had to tell myself before. So what's happened or happening to him right now likely has absolutely diddly squat to do with you. Sometimes an apology is cathartic if you really feel that bad. Something I've considered previously. But then I think you're kind of foisting yourself (and perhaps bad memories) onto them unasked. It may make you feel better, but not them. So I think ultimately, leaving them alone is the right thing to do. I guarantee you have not caused his misery now though.

When we feel bad about ourselves and feel guilt for our past behaviours, I think personally you can start become quite self absorbed (I speak for myself mainly ) so everytime someone is a bit offy with you, or in a bad mood etc , your inner radar starts screaming " what have I done ? What have they discovered about me ? They're like this because of me " If you see what I mean. Most of the time other people's feelings are not related to us. I'm not sure whether I'm making sense? I hope so !

Some people would recommend counselling to get it all out. I personally never really got on with it. But many people seem to.

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Yep absolutely - I’ve thought of apologising but it was nearly 10 years ago and not heard from them since we broke up ! Anytime I think about it, I quickly realise (for myself) how selfish it would be - just cause it’s in my head doesn’t mean it’s in theirs! I do the exact same thing -“omg have I made them mad, are they upset with me, did I say something wrong” when 9 times out of 10 they’re going through their own stuff! So glad it’s not just me

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SquashedMallow · 31/03/2025 23:02

forestayportrait · 31/03/2025 22:44

Yep absolutely - I’ve thought of apologising but it was nearly 10 years ago and not heard from them since we broke up ! Anytime I think about it, I quickly realise (for myself) how selfish it would be - just cause it’s in my head doesn’t mean it’s in theirs! I do the exact same thing -“omg have I made them mad, are they upset with me, did I say something wrong” when 9 times out of 10 they’re going through their own stuff! So glad it’s not just me

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I hear you.

I think it's confirmation bias. We're still beating ourselves up, believing deep down we're a "bad" person , so any perceived hostility towards us , we're like a dog sniffing for clues to confirm they think that too.

I know some of mine comes from my parents. I love my mum deeply, and have forgiven her for her perhaps Ill thought out parenting towards me at times. But she was very judgemental of me when younger. Lots of shame, lots of name calling and such like. She once told me "I love you but I don't like you " (she'd be devastated if she thought I remembered that ) and so, in my head, if my own mother didn't like me and had a low opinion of me, how could I ever think I was likeable? (Yet ironically other people : teachers, grandparents, friends all saw the good In me and used to say very positive things ) But it was hard to fully believe. I think sometimes I lapsed into what she was telling me I was. We were just so different and she never did have the greatest depth of thought , so couldn't ever see beyond surface level behaviour. I feel awful saying all that really. She's a good person. I think she just had such limited life experience.

Good god, I've gone off on a tangent and sold you my life story !

I guess point being, if you're opinion of yourself based on past transgressions is low, it can take a tiny mood or comment from someone else to tap right into that and falsely "confirm" what you're thinking about yourself.

InspiritingNotion · 31/03/2025 23:03

forestayportrait · 31/03/2025 22:44

Yep absolutely - I’ve thought of apologising but it was nearly 10 years ago and not heard from them since we broke up ! Anytime I think about it, I quickly realise (for myself) how selfish it would be - just cause it’s in my head doesn’t mean it’s in theirs! I do the exact same thing -“omg have I made them mad, are they upset with me, did I say something wrong” when 9 times out of 10 they’re going through their own stuff! So glad it’s not just me

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Yes it's completely right that people aren't thinking about you in that way. I've found that most people are far too worried about themselves and what everyone else is thinking about them to be worried about you.

It's why people think I'm confident. I'm not at all! I was actually so shy that I didn't speak as a child. Now just act like I am confident and everyone buys it. No one realises everyone else is just as nervous as they are.

pinkdelight · 31/03/2025 23:09

Gosh be kinder to yourself. You’ve been settled down for years since you were 21, it’s no bad thing to have been around a bit before meeting (hopefully) the right guy. Those years are for making mistakes and getting things out of your system and there’s no need to feel any shame or like that wasn’t you. Be kinder to yourself younger self, give her the love that she was seeking and needed so much. Of course you’re allowed to move on and be happy. Get therapy to do so if this is a problem, but it shouldn’t be. You’d not judge someone that age now, would you? So cut yourself some slack. We’re not meant to have it all figured out right off the bat. That would be boring. Life an about failing and learning more than acing it!

Original poster

forestayportrait · 01/04/2025 10:55

SquashedMallow · 31/03/2025 23:02

I hear you.

I think it's confirmation bias. We're still beating ourselves up, believing deep down we're a "bad" person , so any perceived hostility towards us , we're like a dog sniffing for clues to confirm they think that too.

I know some of mine comes from my parents. I love my mum deeply, and have forgiven her for her perhaps Ill thought out parenting towards me at times. But she was very judgemental of me when younger. Lots of shame, lots of name calling and such like. She once told me "I love you but I don't like you " (she'd be devastated if she thought I remembered that ) and so, in my head, if my own mother didn't like me and had a low opinion of me, how could I ever think I was likeable? (Yet ironically other people : teachers, grandparents, friends all saw the good In me and used to say very positive things ) But it was hard to fully believe. I think sometimes I lapsed into what she was telling me I was. We were just so different and she never did have the greatest depth of thought , so couldn't ever see beyond surface level behaviour. I feel awful saying all that really. She's a good person. I think she just had such limited life experience.

Good god, I've gone off on a tangent and sold you my life story !

I guess point being, if you're opinion of yourself based on past transgressions is low, it can take a tiny mood or comment from someone else to tap right into that and falsely "confirm" what you're thinking about yourself.

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I totally understand where you’re coming from - you’re spot on, it’s confirmation bias! If we grew up feeling like we were always in trouble I think our brains look for proof that we always are! But goodness it can be exhausting 😅

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Original poster

forestayportrait · 01/04/2025 14:01

pinkdelight · 31/03/2025 23:09

Gosh be kinder to yourself. You’ve been settled down for years since you were 21, it’s no bad thing to have been around a bit before meeting (hopefully) the right guy. Those years are for making mistakes and getting things out of your system and there’s no need to feel any shame or like that wasn’t you. Be kinder to yourself younger self, give her the love that she was seeking and needed so much. Of course you’re allowed to move on and be happy. Get therapy to do so if this is a problem, but it shouldn’t be. You’d not judge someone that age now, would you? So cut yourself some slack. We’re not meant to have it all figured out right off the bat. That would be boring. Life an about failing and learning more than acing it!

I do keep trying to remind myself I met my current partner at 21 and that is young, but I guess because I made so many mistakes before, it feels like it happened way later! Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and get hit with a flashback of how I've acted before and it ruins my whole day. No idea why!

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