Stick or miss? Is this a normal part of relationships?

[CyndiLauper]

Have been in a relationship for about 8 months with a man who is gentle, kind, supportive and very loving. However, he’s absolutely awful in any sort of argument! We’ve had three or four, and he switches into total DARVO mode, like he’s a different person. Like totally emotional and triggered. I’m very calm in a disagreement, but there’s no calming him. He eventually goes for space (or I leave if at his), then is genuinely sorry and apologises.

I know many will say LTB, yet he genuinely gives me so much the rest of the time and have felt deeply in love. He isn’t in denial about it, says is willing to do the work and is having therapy.

If everything is great 90 percent of the time, and he is willing to address it, is there hope? We both have small children and I can’t risk that happening in front of mine. He’s been lovely with mine. I trust him implicitly apart from in an argument which rarely happens. Is this just life? Is there always something?

He is emotionally abusive during disagreements. He sounds deranged and you should split.

Would you eat a sandwich that was 90% not dogshit?

And another in the endless stream of MN threads where a woman waves lyrical over her ‘wonderful’ man then comes the ‘but’ where he’s waving more red flags than May Day in Moscow.

Why are so many women prepared to tolerate wankers just for the crumbs they get thrown?

And no, there's not always something.
If you can't talk to each other (communicate with each other - obviously some people are physically unable to talk or hear) in any circumstances the what's the point?

I think you have to listen to your little inner voice and what it may be telling you here.
No relationship is ever perfect but we all have our individual boundaries and when those little red flags start waving, we should listen.
It's a good sign that he recognises that his behaviour during an argument needs to have a bit of an attitude adjustment and that he is seeking some help with this - maybe put a bit of a time scale on it in your own mind? Certainly don't rush to move in together or get anymore committed - take it slow and steady and see how the land lies in a few months?
It will also allow more time to have more disagreements (as they do happen) and see how he reacts.

Currently going through a complicated separation with my partner of 15 years who has similar - attack being the best form of defence during any argument or disagreement. My red flags were waving all those years ago and I ignored them.

You know they say, a cup of tea that’s 10% shit is still a shitty cup of tea. He’s teaching you not to argue with him because the fall out is too much. He loses his temper then gives you the silent treatment. You will end up walking on egg shells to avoid arguments. You will gradually see your friends and family less because you’ll worry he’ll create. Initially you will go anyways but he’ll make you feel like crap before you go. How do I know? I’ve lived through it.
This is meant to be the honeymoon period and he’s already showing you this dark side. ‘He’s like a different person’. That’s him. That’s his true self. Gradually the nice, kind, loving man will disappear and the abusive, horrible man will be here to stay. I would strongly recommend that you do consider LTB. It does not get better.

You wouldn't seriously be bringing your small child into a relationship like this, would you...

We both have small children

Do not EVER move in together. Just take a look at the step parents thread.

I wouldn't even be with a man who is so unpredictable.

Thanks for your measured response. Agree. Great advice to slow it and see how the next few months pan out.

I absolutely do not take breadcrumbs or drink shit tea. I have strong boundaries and am clued up about any sort of emotional abuse. People aren’t machines and IME there IS always something and it’s working out if that something is detrimental. It’s bloody hard to cut and run when you clearly care and they care for you. Am definitely not making myself small or compromised. And doubly so for my child.

You can't afford to take the risk of bringing this behaviour into your children's lives.

How a person behaves when things are difficult is FAR more important than how they behave when things are going their way.

Anyone can be good tempered and lovely when things suit them.

If you do insist on pursuing the relationship, don't introduce the kids.

You shouldn’t trust him implicitly even if he didn’t blow up every couple of months.

You should LTB because your judgement is already poor and you’re justifying his twatishness.

People aren’t machines and IME there IS always something and it’s working out if that something is detrimental.

My partner of decades has never, ever attacked me in any way (verbally, physically, emotionally)... I assumed this was the kind of thing you're talking about and not forgetting to put the bins out or other domestic annoyance.

If you were my friend irl I would gently ask you why you think it's not possible to not be attacked, or what the 'something' is and where your boundaries would be?

What was the reason for the split between him and the mother of his dc?

If he's exhibited this behaviour several times in the last 8 months (when you'd expect any new partner to be on their best behaviour), it concerns me that he will only get worse over time.

8 months in should be happy, fun, honeymoon territory. He’s regularly being horrible and you’re putting up with it so he knows he can keep doing it with no consequences. No one ever got less abusive as time went by.

I’m not sure why you posted. No one’s going to advocate staying with someone who chooses to behave like this. You don’t seem open to listening so if you don’t want better for yourself please at least keep this relationship away from your child.

Abso bloody lutely. Quickest way to see a man’s true character is to say no to him. The veneer slips faster than Usain Bolt

Oh, Op, please read the signs. Many abused women could write your post. Your intuition is correct.

He's charming while he love bombs you. This will change, and he will erode your self-confidence. Get out now.

It’s interesting you say that you rarely argue and yet you have had 3-4 arguments where this behaviour has become apparent and worrying enough for you to post about it and be discussing therapy etc and you have only been together for 8 months?

That is a lot of conflict in a short space of time. I think you need to look at not only why you are already minimising and making excuses for a man you have only been in a relationship with for 8 months but also at both your approaches to conflict and difficult conversations. You should be able to talk things through without arguing for starters.

"I absolutely do not take breadcrumbs or drink shit tea. I have strong boundaries and am clued up about any sort of emotional abuse ... Am definitely not making myself small or compromised."

There are lots of women out there who thought they were strong, it couldn't happen to them, yet they got ground down into a wreck by an abusive man. You're no more special or immune than them.

It's really about boundaries, which you're lacking. You've already shown him that you accept the unacceptable.

This is not a safe guy, op. And you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Kindly, you do not have good boundaries and you don’t have a good understanding of emotional abuse. If you did you’d have ended the relationship the first time he blew up at you. You say he’s been lovely with your children when he should not have been around them at all after such a short period of time.

I wont ask you how he manages not to blow up in disagreements with men because we all know he doesn’t. You seem to be going into this with your eyes wide open which is your choice. I’ve made those choices too.

This is not normal or reasonable behaviour from him. However much therapy he has, this is who he is. If you choose not to leave the relationship, do not expose your DC to this man’s behaviour.

Sorry needs change. He’s not sorry.

It’s not normal and it’s not acceptable. Having said that, MN seems to believe that people cannot change and that is not my experience. My now DH was like this (in all honesty, probably worse) when we first got together. I knew where it came from (awful childhood) but told him to fuck right off and sort himself out if he wanted to be with me. He tried the old DARVO but I was having none of it. That was almost 20 years ago but he listened, went to therapy and sorted himself out. It was hard work for him, there was a lot to unpack, but I’m proud of him for doing it and we are very happy.

Presumably you didn't have kids though.

You can take whatever chances you like that he'll change or has changed & it'll stick, when it's just you..

If you've already got kids, it's very different. It's not fair on them to bring that into their lives.

Arguments, several of in the 1st 8 months is a red flag alone, never mind how he deals with them. You know this is not a good relationship, else you wouldn’t be posting about him

Valid point, plus, op says he hasn’t done this in front of her kids, so he CAN control it, he’s just choosing not to.
OP I think you need to make it very clear to him that if he doesn’t sort this out, sharpish, you will be gone. Then watch and see. If he does the work, great, if not, move on.