My new boyfriend is an ex from my past.

[SnappyLemur]

I have been seeing my new partner for about six months now and things have been going so well. He is loving and kind and he makes me smile inside and out. We previously lived together for 7 years about twenty years ago and I finished the relationship as he was very career orientated and worked long hours. I felt he did not have enough time for me and wanted to start a family. At the time he did everything he could to regain my affections including propose to me, but I met someone else who turned out to be controlling and manipulative.
My new partner is happy to try again after all this time, but a few of things make me worried. Firstly, he has no interest in befriending or spending any time with anyone who was friends with my ex-husband and I. He is happy to make new friends that we can enjoy spending time with but has no interest in my existing friends, some of whom he knew from the first time we dated. Secondly, he shows no interest in my children. I have invited him to meet them and he always finds an excuse not to. He also changes the subject when I am talking about them. He refers to my children as ‘his kids’ as if they belong to my ex-husband and not me. Finally, we always stay at his home when my children are at their dad’s. He does not want to be in the beautiful home that I spent many years designing and making a family home as it is where I lived with my ex-husband. He thinks that we should sell it as it’s just a house and buy a new home together when the time comes.
It just feels like he is trying to ignore the last 20 years of my life that I was with someone else. I deeply regret not marrying him but feel that he needs to show more compromise and understand that I have well established friendships groups and a family that I want him to become part of. What do you suggest as I love him but need him to be more accepting of my situation?

Bin him.

Won't work. He's resentful.

It sounds like he’s jealous of your ex, and the life you had together. Maybe it’s his greatest regret, and he doesn’t want to be reminded of it.

I can understand why he doesn’t want to move into the home you shared with your ex, unless you only lived there a short time with ex. However, it was a house you and he chose together to make your home.

However, he should be willing to meet your friends and children. You need to explain that they’re part of you, and you’re not going to choose between the two. Your home will always be your children’s home, and they can come and go as they like.

The friends part wouldn’t bother me too much, but he can’t pretend your children don’t exist. This just isn’t going to work.

I'm sure you can do better than this petulant man child.

I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s going to work this time either. The friends and children stuff would be an absolute deal breaker for me. 1) how disrespectful and blind to your needs and 2) how isolating

It sounds like he will never get over it not working first time round.
But to be fair to him you should have that discussion with him.

I reckon you need to tell him he has to pack this in or you'll be reconsidering the relationship.

I'm also (tentatively) dating an ex from a very long time ago at the moment and there's been nothing like this. So I understand that there are powerful emotions involved in reconnecting - but don't let those rose tinted glasses get too rosy. The man you're dating now is being a pain in the arse.

If he cares about you, he'll want to hear about how to make you feel comfortable.

He also sounds controlling

i did this with my first love- similar to you. Ir was a big mistake for me

you can’t go backwards

Manipulative petulant controlling manchild wanker. Interesting you were in an abusive relationship previously and now you’re sleepwalking into another one.

This is one of those threads where the OP waxing lyrical about her wonderful partner and then comes the ‘but’ which is a list that shoes he’s actually a nasty abusive cunt with more red flags than Moscow on May Day

How can you bear to be anywhere near someone who speaks about your children with such disrespect? I’d have been long gone by now - stop clinging to the past, see the glaring red flags your rose tinted specs are hiding and dump this arsehole. DO NOT buy a house with him under any circumstances

Too much going on there. Move on....

I can see why he wants to erase all trace of your abusive ex from your lives.
It's up to you how important each aspect of this is.
Clearly he needs to let go of the antipathy towards your children (although most of Mumsnet would say six months is too soon to be meeting DC anyway).
But I wouldn't be that happy to move into a house that an abusive ex had lived in. It just wouldn't feel right to me.

If you want this relationship to last it might be worth considering counselling as you have some complex emotions go unpick between you.

Wow.

Why are you even entertaining some guy who is obviously going to be awkward about your children?

Why would you even consider maintaining a relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t want any kind of relationship with your children? How do you imagine that will work in terms of your own relationship with them and their willingness to include you in their lives moving forwards?

I mean, unless you're already estranged from your kids (and they're adults), what the hell are you thinking?

Just think for one second how your children would feel if their mother got together with a man who won't acknowledge them.
Incalculable damage.
Never mind the man - he sounds like a grade A prick btw - don't do this to your kids!

OP - this is the 4th thread you’ve started in a couple of months about this guy so there’s obviously a lot going on for a very short relationship - someone youve only been seeing for a few weeks shouldn’t be causing you this much angst

Honestly I think you're exchanging one abusive guy for another. A good man wouldn't be acting this way.

It's very common for someone who experienced an abusive relationship to fall into further ones. There's massive red flags with this guy.

He doesnt care about your kids. How can you have a future with him.

It's not going to work. Which is basically what the responses on your previous threads also said.

Sounds like way too much baggage there, I’m sorry.

You have landed yourself with another controlling man.
He is looking to isolate you and wants you to take a scorched earth policy to your life. He will resent your children so how would it ever work?

OP - I’ve just read your previous threads and you need to stop romanticising this man, end the relationship and seek therapy because this has disaster written all over it.

Every post on every thread you’ve started tell you the same thing - stop starting new threads and start seeing what’s in front of your eyes.

Yep. I’m not even sure how much of a relationship this is other than in the OP’s head tbh

Your post gives me the absolute chills. If you want to be with someone you have to get to know all about them, not try to obliterate their past. He can't expect to pretend that you have been frozen in time in the intervening years.