Red flag or not?

[rubberduck68]

Date three with a man who up until last night had not been too weird (yes, that is how low the bar is in the mid-fifties dating pool). He claims to be a member of the labour party, a “socialist”, anti-royal and anti-aristocracy. He’s flexed activism, including anti-fox hunt protests. He is a bit preachy, which I was hoping would ease off (a lot of Lenin, Marxism, Orwell quotes). Last night he revealed his ex of nine years was a fox hunter, and that she was raised as “aristocracy.” I questioned how he can have those beliefs and date her, and he said, “Well, we are not who we date, are we?” I joked that he must have an apolitical dick, because nothing would shut my foo faster than a fox hunter toff. He didn’t like that at all. I am getting red flag vibes. AIBU?

I am finding this a lot with middle-aged men, the quoting thing. I don't mind the rare well placed quote, but I'd rather hear what they have to say on something. He even said when he was quoting poetry at me, "your turn," to which I replied that I didn't really know any poetry quotes and I went quiet so he said, "have an opinion." I thought that was quite rude. I do, I think quoting is lazy and a bit boring (I wish I had said). Oh I have to throw him back.. I know!

I know, I have been talked at on so many dates. Were they just raised to think that they were the only important voice in the room, or are they just socially clueless?

To which your answer was - Why should I have? You seem to have enough opinions for the both of us.

That was rude. You do have an opinion but you’re too polite to verbalise it, so you will need to use the block button.

Not red flags but he just sounds unsuitable

I quite agree with you aren’t who you date
many or have partners with different political views, or vegans with meat eating partners

chances are he’s gone in bullshit mode to impress and it’s had the opposite affect

Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer
We’ll keep the red flag flying here….⛳️

I couldn’t stand being lectured on politics on a date. The fact that it all turns out to be posturing rather than a deeply held belief makes it even worse. Not for me, thanks.

Oh no! I loved Citizen Smith, but half my family are genuine cockneys so the mockney accent would be an instant turn-off 😱

Maybe it’s time to say Hit the road, Jack (as I can’t think of a suitably erudite piss-off quote).

😂I wish I had said that!

I wonder why these guys are single!

He dislikes a lot of things, but what does he actually like?? First dates are all about finding out about someone, what they like, their hobbies, etc. if I was given a massive list of negatives I’d be put off, and I’d think he’d be too negative for me.

And what’s with all the quotes?? I’d want to get to know them, not what Orwell thinks…

This is him trying to impress you, it’s not going to get better, unless you want him dictating his beliefs to you, tell him to go do something about it rather than hurting your eardrums.

Good point. He told a lot of stories about his work, but they sounded a bit rehearsed, but I've had this a lot before, men who talk in stories and recycle them, sometimes they repeat them on each date! He likes Billy Bragg, and when I said I thought he was a bit posturing and over-rated he got very defensive about Billy and his lyrical and political talents!!

He likes Billy Bragg? Massive red flag. BB is all ‘TWAW’ and not very bright at all.

It’s one thing to have differing views in a relationship, but nine years with someone whose values supposedly go against everything he stands for? Bit sus. Your joke was spot on, and his reaction says a lot. Trust your gut!

He does sound tiresome

You don't get on. That's fine. It's dating.

His core views are fine if a bit undeveloped from student days (plenty of it fine, anti fox hunting and labour voting) but I wouldn't want to hear about them in vast detail on early dates (unless the conversation mutually slid towards an in depth political discussion which BOTH were equally enjoying and contributing to). Especially the bit about his ex being a fox hunter. That seems an odd aspect to his vehemence.

Like you say, it sounds like a practiced spiel (and who knows why). You've responded by questioning him about delivering this spiel which probably feels a bit personal. You weren't wrong to do so as it's not your job to sit and nod, but it all moved onto the wrong foot quickly. He hasn't gone in authentically and you haven't had chance to really give him the opportunity to relax as he's been quite obnoxious and closed off.

I'd let this one go

He should have laughed at the apolitical dick comment, which was very funny. He sounds too boring for you, sorry. Imagine him meeting your friends and you feeling embarrassed at him quoting stuff at them.

I agree, he also said he'd named a cat "Hunter" after Hunter S Thompson. Bragg and Thompson seem to be idols of a certain type of man, in my experience, one who wants to seem cool. I'm piecing all of this together now and I think he might be one of those.

He sounds very self-conscious and as if he wants to be seen to be ‘doing the right thing’ or ‘thinking the right thing’.

At least he thinks…?

But it all sounds a bit tiring.

How much has he asked about you? Is he interested in you?

He does ask a question and then I answer and then he responds with a story about something else; a story with him at the centre usually; it's quite baffling. I have had this word soup with other men, though and the kind of "back to me" reply to my answer... it's like they don't know how normal conversation works, no kind of flow. Maybe it's just what talking to virtual strangers is like, all the weirdness of app dating. He might be talking to a mate now saying how odd I am, who knows?!!

What if you said to him, ‘I notice that every time you ask me a question, you listen then reply with a story of your own, usually about you. This makes me feel that you’re not really interested in me.’ How do you think he would respond?

He’s old enough to know the art of conversation!!

My experience of online dating in my fifties is that very, very few men know "the art of conversation." Is it generational, or are they single because they are clueless bores? Who knows? My twenty something son and his friends are much better at conversation than most of the people I meet on apps!

I agree with all his beliefs but just, quietly. He'd give me a headache. I think this one needs to go to the aid of the Party.

If you're finding someone a bit irritating after only three dates, you aren't compatible. A 'red flag' in a relationship usually means a sign that someone might be abusive, so probably not applicable in this case - plenty of people do find it easy to have a relationship with someone they disagree with on political/social issues (although I have to say I'm not one of them, I couldn't date a fox hunter in a thousand years!). But you're not going to have a good relationship with someone if you're already finding him to be a mildly annoying hypocrite after spending three dates in his company. You don't have to settle for someone who isn't right for you, and this man is not right for you.

Then I’d throw this one back. Early dates are meant to be full of excitement and anticipation. If you’re not feeling it, then move on.