Is there the equivalent of the Stately Homes thread but for parents of abusive children?

[Politenoticed]

I desperately need some support as my daughter is making me feel suicidal with her abusive behaviour. I couldn't see Amy obvious support threads?

No but I'm happy to talk. What's going on?

If there was I’d be on it. It’s soul destroying having an abusive child. I’m sure many here will offer support.

I am happy to talk about it … I have a similar experience with older dd. I put it down a great deal to it being learned behavior from my ex h.

Can relate to this. Both my dc and friends dc have similar issues with their dc

Thank you so much for the replies.
It is my dd who is 20 I am having issues with. She is high functioning autistic so has had a very difficult life but has now started blaming me entirely for how she is feeling. I know it isn't true because I also had very significant mental health issues due to autism when I was younger and she has problems similar to what I went through.
I pay for her to see a psychologist privately for support with her autism.
She lives at home and isn't asked to contribute towards any bills, she works part time but is always attacking me about the house not being as clean as tody as she wants it to be but she doesn't do any of the housework. I work full time and also have chronic fatigue so I do struggle. I wouod love to afford a cleaner but I cannot. She doesn't recognise the way she behaves in the house is different to the way she behaves around everyone else because she is masking out of the home and then let's it all out at home. She is mad at me because I am refusing to keep funding an expensive hobby she does.
I have given my life trying to support (as I should!) But there is just no recognition of this, just hatred.
A worrying thing she has started coming out with is she is empathising with people who exhibit terrible behaviour because of conditions like adhd and psychopathy and autism. So she feels sorry for people who are violent because of these conditions etc. I have no idea how to handle that?
Sorry I am waffling, there is a lot more but my brain doesn't work very well on the spot

This sounds upsetting @Politenoticed

There's a thread on Gransnet for parents estranged from adult kids.

God help you.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.
I think she needs to move out.
You are not obligated by parenthood to be abused by adult children.

Time to put yourself first.
Time she left.
Perhaps she can be housed if she is homeless.
It may sound harsh but my children would be out the door if their autism became abusive.
My parenting and support of them does not include this.

I would pack up some of her things next time she is at work and text her collect her stuff and stay elsewhere as you need a break.

Autism doesn't automatically mean you are an arsehole although on MN the two go largely hand in hand.

Time for you to detach OP and your daughter grows the fxxk up.

Looks like you can't parent her properly because of your own issues. (I can relate, some dc demand a lot of time and energy and I have one like that). It's not your fault, but you need help to do your job as a parent.

@Politenoticed The pp saying you can’t parent her properly is being very harsh with little background information.

I have no experience with autism but have read that autistic children are some five years behind NT children in their emotional growth. Have a look on the parenting teenagers board for many parents whose child is awful https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers. There is also a board for parents under Special Needs but I am not sure that’s what you really need right now. It’s focus doesn’t seem to be simply parenting teenagers.

So ND children seem to arrive later at teenage horror and consequently are later and have taken longer to grow out of it. This is compounded by turning 18 and being classed as an adult when that concept is so out of kilter in this situation. Therefore, their ability to get into trouble can be huge. It’s why so many people advocate for gender affirming medical care to be unavailable until the age of 25.

Mostly, the only cure for the level of vitriol you seem to be facing is time. ie growing out of it. Keep modelling good behaviour. Pick your battles. Decide on your non negotiables and stick to it. Parenting teenagers is hard. Their brain is developing so much, it forgets basics you thought you had nailed down - like manners - and the ASD view of the world and thought process (as I understand it, Dr Az Hakeem explains it quite well, I think).

Seek support for yourself. Are their fb groups about parenting ASD young adults? Or a group for ASD parents? Or look for a therapist for yourself, perhaps? I do feel you will need support.

Good luck.

I understand although my children are not that bad in the scheme of things. I hear of other parents being put in terrible positions by their children. @TheSandgroper makes a really good point about the emotional age versus true age that has resonated with me.

I can relate to this too. It’s heartbreaking

I’d love a thread like this.
maybe it could be called ‘we puréed butternut squash for you’, or ‘we took you to baby gym classes’

There is a Facebook group called parenting mental health. You might find it helpful. The members on there will actually understand your situation and be supportive.

Mumsnet is good for lots of things but the majority of members, understandably, don't really know what life is like with an autistic/SEN child. Hence the parent your child properly comments. There's a surprising number of people who believe you can just parent autistic behaviour/mental health problems away (or even better, just tell them to stop and it will all be ok).

Thank you. I am not afraid to look into my own parenting as I am sure there are things I could do a million times better, I do have another teenager who is lovely. Even when she is a typical teenager she will apologise pretty quickly for her behaviour.
I think you are correct in that the asd presents additional challenges. I cannot discipline her in the way you could a nt child. She would basically keep arguing for eternity and any punishment escalates her behaviour.
She is most definitely very behind emotionally and I would put her at 13 years old roughly, I definitely can't just throw her out like some posters are suggesting and I totally get their point that asd is not an excuse for abusive behaviour but I love her and feel responsible for her. I could cope if it wasn't for her narrative that everything is my fault.

Please if anyone else needs to offload on this thread I am happy for you too. It would make me feel less alone for sure.

Haha yes those titles sound fab!

This is a harsh comment. When you have an abusive adult child, it wears you down … the behaviour of the op’s DD is most likely what has affected her parenting.

Well obviously if you put her emotionally at 13 that changes everything.
It sounds very difficult.
Try walking away when she starts on at you.
Refuse to engage or respond.
Let her wear herself out.

Organic butternut squash even 😭.

I think mine might finally be coming out of it after a decade. But that's possibly because she's in her last weeks of secondary school and has only managed a few days in the last 18 months so the pressure was off. It's been awful, so many injuries and damage to the house.

I have two autistic children and they have significant challenges and require significant additional support but they do not get to take their issues out on me or other people and they don't. You do not deserve to be at the end of abuse.

Autism does not equal to abuse.
Autistic individuals do not get to use their autism as an excuse to abuse their parents or other people.
Autism requires support and it should be supported but it does not require abuse to be enabled.

I think it is time to get the ball rolling for her to leave your house, is there any housing/supported living available for adults with disabilities in your community? that is where I would start. Use boundaries in the meantime and use your energy enforcing the boundaries - any abusive behaviour and she will be leaving immediately for example - knowing now that she will not be allowed to live with you forever.

If you're feeling suicidal, then you should see your GP. If you're in crisis you can contact NHS Direct and speak to the mental health team.

You might find the National Autistic Society helpful, they have a website with lots of information and a good helpline. Family Lives also has a good helpline and can provide support.

If you're being abused, you could phone your local domestic abuse organisation for support.

A “we puréed butternut squash” would be great for the 2005-10 cohort of ungrateful shits.

No advice Polite but sending hugs. My DD18 is also autistic and I certainly hear you on the punishment makes it worse. I also 100% agree on the 5 years below calendar age 🫂

I didn't want to be harsh, but it doesn't sound like she became difficult after reaching adulthood. If that's the case, the problem was there before, when she was a child. (Is different from adult DC joining a cult or being brainwashed and becoming abusive).

She is neurodiverse, it is something you are born with. I don't mind the difficult behaviour, I do mind abusive behaviour where she also blames me for her struggling when it is because she is actually neurodiverse.