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Original poster

Am I a red flag!

47 replies

datinghelp · 29/03/2025 00:28

What’s the thoughts on partners being friends with their exes or exes families?

For context all but 1 of my exes I don’t have a problem with. I’ve had 5 relationships in the past 23 years with the odd date here and there. Shortest one being 3 months longest 13 years. All but one ended badly.

I met a man last summer and we dated for about 3 months. It didn’t work for various reasons but we became close and remained friends. Still pretty good friends now and would say he’s one of my best friends now.

The rest I wouldn’t mind saying hello to or catching up with them if I bumped into them. 2 of them live 10 mins from me, one lives in Spain and the other I would avoid.

Chatting to a guy online and he says it’s a problem I’m friends with an ex and that I would happily catch up with others. That and still being friends with exes families on FB etc and that I would again not think anything of catching up with them in person is also wrong.

The only ex I would avoid was a drug addict but again I wouldn’t cut off his family (13 years).

This guy I’m chatting with thinks it’s wrong and doesn’t understand why I would even say hello to any of them and thinks it weird that one of my best friends was an ex. He says it’s a red flag.

It only came up as I’m out with the best friend tomorrow.

I think I would be ok with a partner having a quick catch up with an ex if they bumped into each other. Also if they had a best friend that was a female it would be ok and I’d assume at some stage we would meet.

It’s got me thinking though maybe I’m in the wrong.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 00:36

I don't understand why you're taking this stranger's opinion so seriously. He sounds very immature and you don't know him.

Of course you can be friends with an ex.

Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 00:42

Thanks I did think that but then again I was wondering if I was the problem.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 00:43

datinghelp · 29/03/2025 00:42

Thanks I did think that but then again I was wondering if I was the problem.

Are you online dating?

Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 00:45

Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 00:43

Are you online dating?

Show quote history

Yes although I sometimes wonder why I bother.

although have met a few nice men just not for me

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 00:50

datinghelp · 29/03/2025 00:45

Yes although I sometimes wonder why I bother.

although have met a few nice men just not for me

Show quote history

It's just that you sound a bit vulnerable or insecure. You need a tough skin for online dating and can't take everything to heart. You'll meet some right freaks characters.

KhakiOrca · 29/03/2025 00:51

Sorry but I would see it as a red flag too.
Most people who have a partner who has an ex as a friend is dodgy IMO.
Going by experience they always end up with unfinished business and check in to the nearest travel lodge for a shag.
So see it from other people's point of view
He has probably had an experience like mine. However, if young kids are involved the it's as different story.

Monty27 · 29/03/2025 00:55

@datinghelp .Why do you even give a hoot what he thinks? Some random online guy judges you, how very dare he? But why are you telling this online guy your personal business?

Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 00:56

Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 00:50

It's just that you sound a bit vulnerable or insecure. You need a tough skin for online dating and can't take everything to heart. You'll meet some right freaks characters.

Show quote history

Nah I know it just got me thinking though. Most of the time I just brush it off and block.

this guy though we seemed to be getting on and I was planning to meet him.

but this tonight has made me rethink meeting but also thought I would get others opinions.

I’ve only had one relationship that ended badly the rest were pretty amicable. Whereas his one and only long term thing ended pretty bad (ex wife now) so I just wondered if it was a bit of a red flag.

maybe I’ve just been lucky 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I wouldn’t see an issue with speaking to and catching up with exes if we bumped into each other. I think the big issue was the guy I’m good friends with.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 29/03/2025 01:00

My ex H is one of my best friends. Hes my son’s father and having a strong relationship with him is a positive imo. If anyone I met who had a problem with that, it’s their issue not mine and it would be a red flag that they couldn’t cope with it.

Id see having a good friendship with an ex as a good thing and anyone getting jealous it’s about their insecurities.

KhakiOrca · 29/03/2025 01:02

TwistedWonder · 29/03/2025 01:00

My ex H is one of my best friends. Hes my son’s father and having a strong relationship with him is a positive imo. If anyone I met who had a problem with that, it’s their issue not mine and it would be a red flag that they couldn’t cope with it.

Id see having a good friendship with an ex as a good thing and anyone getting jealous it’s about their insecurities.

Edited

I don't believe you!
Sorry but your last paragraph is bull.
No one would be happy with a partner who has an ex as a friend!

UnchainMeSister · 29/03/2025 01:03

One of my exes is one of my best friends. I wouldn't even consider cutting him out of my life for a new partner. We've known each other for 25 years.

What kind of a friend would I be if I sacked people off because I started dating someone for five minutes?

If someone doesn't trust me then I don't want to be in a relationship with them anyway.

SCWS · 29/03/2025 01:14

KhakiOrca · 29/03/2025 01:02

I don't believe you!
Sorry but your last paragraph is bull.
No one would be happy with a partner who has an ex as a friend!

Edited
Show quote history

My husband is friends with ALL his exes.

Guess what - I don’t have a problem with it!

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/03/2025 01:14

KhakiOrca · 29/03/2025 01:02

I don't believe you!
Sorry but your last paragraph is bull.
No one would be happy with a partner who has an ex as a friend!

Edited
Show quote history

My dh is very good friends with an ex, I don't have a problem with it. If they worked they would still be together but they didn't, they only work as friends

TwistedWonder · 29/03/2025 01:16

KhakiOrca · 29/03/2025 01:02

I don't believe you!
Sorry but your last paragraph is bull.
No one would be happy with a partner who has an ex as a friend!

Edited
Show quote history

Do not call me a liar! That’s one thing Im not. . That’s your insecurities then because I am absolutely happy with a partner having an ex as a good friend and anyone having an issue with me and my ex being good friends isn’t someone want to be involved with.

Its called being a grown up

Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 01:20

Thanks I didn’t think it should be an issue or a problem as the way I see it an ex is an ex for a reason.

but then as I said before all my breakups but one were amicable.

I do get there is a worry of unfinished business and no trust but then how do you know that the person isn’t going to cheat with anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 01:37

I’m also now wondering if he was only after one thing ! one comment he made was I don’t think I could accept it when I know he’s had sex with you (was more blunt than that) to which I replied we actually didn’t have sex.

it was after that he said couldn’t continue with me.

OP posts:
Climbinghigher · 29/03/2025 01:52

I have friends who are exes. Friends as in check in every now and then, meet rarely. DH knows them - they’re his friends too. Actually one ex is one of my best friends but he’s gay now so I assume even the most insecure male could cope with that.

I think people telling you who you can and can’t be friends with are massive red flags.

Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 02:02

Climbinghigher · 29/03/2025 01:52

I have friends who are exes. Friends as in check in every now and then, meet rarely. DH knows them - they’re his friends too. Actually one ex is one of my best friends but he’s gay now so I assume even the most insecure male could cope with that.

I think people telling you who you can and can’t be friends with are massive red flags.

I would say all are just acquaintances but one.

The one that’s became a best friend lives about 1/1.5 hrs away so we don’t meet often. It’s usually if one of us are at each others towns or the city between we’ll see if the others free.

We do chat on the phone though can be fairly regular to once every few weeks. Tends to be more if we’re going through something. With the odd text here and there just checking in.

OP posts:
Bobbi73 · 29/03/2025 02:30

I’m good friends with my ex and I love my partners ex. She’s really lovely. We’ve been together for 27 years and have no worries about it. We’re both pretty secure people and I can’t imagine feeling threatened by an ex. I think that says he’s a red flag, not you!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/03/2025 02:54

Nothing wrong with exes being friends.

Throw this one back, he won't like you having any male friends if things progress.

bevm72yellow · 29/03/2025 03:05

The word " friendship" is an unusual word for exes....it has loaded meaning. A " working relationship " where you don't hate them but can accept them in your life for a purpose e.g. Common people you know, skills they have, employment links may be a better phrase. But any " emotional relationship " is a definite threat to a new partner

SociableAtWork · 29/03/2025 03:14

datinghelp · 29/03/2025 01:37

I’m also now wondering if he was only after one thing ! one comment he made was I don’t think I could accept it when I know he’s had sex with you (was more blunt than that) to which I replied we actually didn’t have sex.

it was after that he said couldn’t continue with me.

OMG, he’s the red flag! Speaks volumes about his wider views around relationships and platonic friendships.

I’d imagine as time went on (if you started dating) he’d have a lot of other ‘problems’ regarding you and your behaviour, your friendships, your family etc which would escalate. Sounds crude, childish, controlling and prone to jealousy.

Errr, no thanks! It’s a shame when they seem nice when chatting on-line and then their true colours emerge.

I also believe that when a relationship ends it’s possible to remain really good - if not best - friends, especially if the end came about reasonably and both felt it had run its course / ended amicably. Obviously not as easy if it ends badly.

Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 03:29

SociableAtWork · 29/03/2025 03:14

OMG, he’s the red flag! Speaks volumes about his wider views around relationships and platonic friendships.

I’d imagine as time went on (if you started dating) he’d have a lot of other ‘problems’ regarding you and your behaviour, your friendships, your family etc which would escalate. Sounds crude, childish, controlling and prone to jealousy.

Errr, no thanks! It’s a shame when they seem nice when chatting on-line and then their true colours emerge.

I also believe that when a relationship ends it’s possible to remain really good - if not best - friends, especially if the end came about reasonably and both felt it had run its course / ended amicably. Obviously not as easy if it ends badly.

Show quote history

Thanks for this I never even looked at the bigger picture. Does make me also think about his story of how the ex wife left him. Maybe there’s something there.

i guess the friendship with the ex worked as we chatted so much. Had loads in common etc

Looking back my friend was my rebound from a long term relationship and I was his first and actually only relationship after his wife’s death. Neither one of us was really ready for anything I guess and he still isn’t. I def am though

OP posts:
Original poster
datinghelp · 29/03/2025 03:31

bevm72yellow · 29/03/2025 03:05

The word " friendship" is an unusual word for exes....it has loaded meaning. A " working relationship " where you don't hate them but can accept them in your life for a purpose e.g. Common people you know, skills they have, employment links may be a better phrase. But any " emotional relationship " is a definite threat to a new partner

So I guess I would be a red flag then since we don’t work together or even in the same industry, have no mutual friends and live 1.5 hrs away from each other.

I say friendship as we have nothing that would throw us together. We choose to be friends

OP posts:
Suns1nE · 29/03/2025 06:46

For me it wouldn’t be an issue (hasn’t been in past relationships) however it seems the general consensus on MN is that men and women can’t be friends let alone if there is shared romantic/sexual past. I would see someone who wasn’t friends with their ex’s without VERY good reason a red flag.