Am I a red flag!

[datinghelp]

What’s the thoughts on partners being friends with their exes or exes families?

For context all but 1 of my exes I don’t have a problem with. I’ve had 5 relationships in the past 23 years with the odd date here and there. Shortest one being 3 months longest 13 years. All but one ended badly.

I met a man last summer and we dated for about 3 months. It didn’t work for various reasons but we became close and remained friends. Still pretty good friends now and would say he’s one of my best friends now.

The rest I wouldn’t mind saying hello to or catching up with them if I bumped into them. 2 of them live 10 mins from me, one lives in Spain and the other I would avoid.

Chatting to a guy online and he says it’s a problem I’m friends with an ex and that I would happily catch up with others. That and still being friends with exes families on FB etc and that I would again not think anything of catching up with them in person is also wrong.

The only ex I would avoid was a drug addict but again I wouldn’t cut off his family (13 years).

This guy I’m chatting with thinks it’s wrong and doesn’t understand why I would even say hello to any of them and thinks it weird that one of my best friends was an ex. He says it’s a red flag.

It only came up as I’m out with the best friend tomorrow.

I think I would be ok with a partner having a quick catch up with an ex if they bumped into each other. Also if they had a best friend that was a female it would be ok and I’d assume at some stage we would meet.

It’s got me thinking though maybe I’m in the wrong.

This is the point at which you should have told him to fuck off and blocked him. You’ve never even met this guy and he thinks he can dictate who you are friends with?? The not being able to accept it knowing you’ve had sex with him shows an awfully possessive and misogynistic attitude.

Red flags galore from him.

I stopped dating someone because they had a female best friend….. lots of stuff kept being discussed about our relationship with her, which I found uncomfortable and I felt he was getting the emotional part from her and physical part from me.

He’s setting his boundaries, which is fair enough. If they’re not aligned with what you’re happy with then it’s not really going to work.

Eurgh! He assumed you had sex and when he found out you hadn't, he decided you weren't worth chasing. Lucky escape there.

Nothing wrong with having exes as friends. To me, it is a good indication that neither person treated the other badly. One of my exes has recently been staying with my parent for 3 months. I have been married over 20 years, known my ex over 30 years. Husband knows all about him. They have met many times.

Total bollocks. I have an excellent relationship with my exH (DD13s father) and my boyfriend has absolutely no issue with it at all!

Anyone self assured and comfortable in themselves would not have an issue with a close friendship between people who share a child!

There is no right or wrong on this. People have differing views on what is and isn't acceptable to them and that is perfectly OK. Personally, I do not maintain relationships with people I used to have sex with, but that is my boundary and not one I have a right to impose on anyone else.

I once chatted on a dating site with a man who told me he regularly spent time with a number of his exes, including staying at their homes. He was happy with that, but I would not have been comfortable with it, so that was that. If this guy isn't happy that you are friends with your exes then you need to find someone who is, not change who you are friends with.

I guess there is a very rare circumstance where an ex could turn out to be a good lifelong friend but in most cases people leave the past in the past and move on.

The only reasons to keep talking to an ex is that a) you’re a teenager, or b) to keep a foot hold in and that is a red flag. I’m sorry but it is. The cool girl responses on this thread are not representative of the reality of most relationships.

It's a tricky one, and I think it depends on how emotionally mature the individual (who is friends with their exes) is.

Many people like to keep exes around for a bit of an ego boost, to know they could still go there if they wanted to, sometimes even to perpetuate jealousy within new relationships - again as an ego boost to feel 'sought after'.

Others are mature enough to realise that sometimes relationships just don't work out and that doesn't mean you have to immediately hate an ex for all eternity.

Fwiw I think you're the latter, just in case you think I'm accusing you of anything. But if this guy falls into the former camp ('that's weird, I'd only be 'friends' with an ex with an ulterior motive in mind') then of course he's going to have an issue. It might not even be that, he might just feel insecure that you have people in your circle that you have a history with, and he will feel threatened.

Regardless, you're probably not compatible. And you shouldn't give up your friendships for someone that will make your life a misery (and he will) if you don't.

Absolute nonsense. If you have DC with an ex it’s definitely a positive to maintain a friendship. People grow apart as partners but still get on as people - that’s a mature way to be imo. If there’s no bad feeling or animosity, why not?

I’m in my 50’s and many of my friends are still friends with their ex. Nothing to do with being teenagers or keeping a foot in the door. I wouldn’t go back to my ex for all
the money in the world but he’s a decent bloke and a great father, there’s no reason not to be friends.

Just because your experience is different, doesn’t mean it’s not true of many people.

I think people telling you who you can and can’t be friends with are massive red flags.

This.

I'd also see it as a red flag if someone wasn't at least on speaking terms with any of their exes. Relationships break up, but presumably at one point they liked each other and got on well, and if all their break-ups were acrimonious and full of bad-feeling, I would be concerned about how they deal with disagreements and so on.

This is nonsense.

In some cases, where the breakup was acrimonious or one-sided, people leave the past in the past.

In many other cases, people who got together because they enjoyed each other's company then realise they don't work as a couple: domestically incompatible, sexually incompatible, don't want the same lifestyle, opposed on whether to have kids etc etc. But they still enjoy each other's company. And so they stay friends. It doesn't make sense to throw a decent friendship away just because you don't want to shag each other any more.

The latter scenarios are much, much more common among the many social circles I've been part of. Basically everyone I know is friends with at least one ex.

Also the ex is absolutely the last person anyone needs to worry about. If that relationship was going to work out, it would have. They gave it a shot and it didn't.

The real red flag is anyone who thinks they can tell their partner who they should be friends with.

I’d have a much bigger problem with someone who says all their ex’s are crazy and they’re not even on speaking terms. Says a lot about their own behaviour. One of my exes absolutely hated one of his former partners and was very vocal about her regularly. He’s probably saying similar things about me now. That’s his issue not mine.

There’s nothing wrong with being a mature adult and being on friendly terms to co parent or just to be decent if you come into contact with an ex. I still have a good relationship with ExH’s family as we have DC’s together. Why on earth wouldn’t you?

It isn't about being a 'cool girl'. It is about maturity and recognition that everyone has a past.
Pretty sure my ageing mother wasn't being a 'cool girl' having my ex staying with her for her benefit and helping her out when none of us were in a position to do it!

It's more of a red flag to me that he isn't friends with his exes. And he's potentially controlling in the way he's subtly putting it into your head that you shouldn't be friends with yours.

My partner worked with his ex of 14 years ( the relationship not the breakup) I was a little worried at first, but we've been together 11 years now and she moved on long ago. Not a red flag to me,

Why did you even bother mentioning that your best friend used to be your ex? It's none of this new blokes business. Being friendly and not terrified or furious with one's ex is extremely healthy and mature. And in many ways you are lucky to have felt that way and none of them could've been that awful.

As for this nosy, judgemental bloke? If people don't see and do things on the exact same way as him then it's a red flag. You've got your own red flag right there, billowing in the wind for all to see .

Couldn’t agree more. It’s simple maturity and being able to have a healthy relationship and end it amicably. Nothing ‘cool girl’ about it… that’s usually an insult bandied about by the intellectually challenged.

2 of my best friends are/were ex's! sadly 1 passed a couple of years ago, i attended their wedding and their funeral. The other, we are still firm friends and have been for some 15 years now.

Not all relationships have to end bitterly.

my DH has no issue with my friends, and I with his

It's definitely not about being a cool girl. Personally, I see someone being able to maintain a friendship with an ex as a sign of maturity. It means you managed to end a relationship that wasn't working with grace and kindness, and turn into a positive.

Men who think you'll take any opportunity to shag someone else are the red flag.

Massively agree with that

Judging people by your own standards. I think Op is mature enough to be friends without being gagging to shag her ex's.

Thanks all I’ve blocked him, I just wanted to check if I was in the wrong or if he had a point.

It’s not worth it long term as he would likely have issues with other things if he got over this. I’m not prepared to give up a friendship or even being civil to exes for anyone.

As I said all but one I would be happy catching up with. And even the one I would avoid I would still say hello (he had addiction issues).

Out of the 5 significant ones I can’t avoid 3 of them as they all live in the same town as me along with their families. One lives in Spain, but in a resort I lived and worked in so I may bump into him if/when I return. The other is the guy I’ve built a friendship with.