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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where do I start?

37 replies

julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:01

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years, he’s always had insecurities as he was cheated on multiple times before. To cut a long story short, I work in a shop & there’s a delivery driver that some would find attractive, I do not. My colleagues said as a joke that he fancies me. He has just today waited for him to turn up so he can speak to him !!! My partner also has been diagnosed with a personality disorder & he’s taking steroids for muscle mass. Tonight he cancelled my phone contact & saying our puppy is his,& leave him alone. I’m up in my bedroom ignoring him, but he keeps pushing my buttons saying he’s not paying for any bills or mortgage?? Please give me some advice xx

OP posts:
Bluepenguin2 · 28/03/2025 22:03

Leave.

Starfishfriend · 28/03/2025 22:07

Leave?
hes humiliating you at work, he’s cancelled your phone contract and is trying to wind you up or actually is threatening to leave you in financial difficulty, and hes trying actively to hurt you. That’s not acceptable In a ‘partner’
Never mind that you seemingly haven’t actually done anything? God forbid you actually did something wrong.

Original poster
julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:07

Thanks for your reply, it’s just we got a mortgage together & I’ll have to see if I can buy him out or sell x

OP posts:
GoAwayNow7 · 28/03/2025 22:08

What personality disorder is it and how did it come to be diagnosed?

Howtohelpbirds · 28/03/2025 22:12

He's abusive. The whole being cheated on in the past is a common excuse many abusers use to gain sympathy from you, to then control and manipulate you. What you've described is coercive control and emotional abuse. I bet you that if you didn't accept it and walked away he would try and keep you, but it's really better for you in the long term to be without him and not have to deal with the heartbreak and confusion his actions cause you.
Is incredibly hard but you only have one life, do you want to live it like this. I have a feeling this is not the first time he's pulled something similar or turned a molehill into a mountain to have a argument?

Original poster
julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:14

The doctor didn’t specify but said go away & look at some therapy online. He didn’t want to do that. I’d say he has bipolar or some paranoid disorder. I’ve told him go back to docs but he said he doesn’t want to be on antidepressants?x

OP posts:
Starfishfriend · 28/03/2025 22:17

julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:07

Thanks for your reply, it’s just we got a mortgage together & I’ll have to see if I can buy him out or sell x

Well, whilst a hassle, surely that’s better than living with someone like this?

Original poster
julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:19

Yeah you’re right, whether I try & buy him out or sell, happiness is all that matters isn’t it x

OP posts:
Original poster
julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:25

Thing is Ive been here before i had 3 kids with my ex husband & I left my home thinking he’d buy me out & the house ended up being repossessed, I just don’t want to leave my home & go back to renting 😔

OP posts:
category12 · 28/03/2025 22:33

The doctor didn’t specify but said go away & look at some therapy online.

Riiiiiiight. A doctor (GP?!) diagnosed him with a personality disorder but didn't tell him what it was and just told him to get online therapy and buh-bye? How many times was he seen, what was the doctor's speciality? That sounds like bollocks.

That and 'roid rage.

Do your kids live with you?

Original poster
julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:42

Yeah apparently the doctor was a mental health practitioner, I went with. Him & thought he was a bit fobbed off. He said to go back in 6 weeks if the online thing didn’t work. He didn’t try it tbh. Yeah he lied to him about the roids, saying he’s always been like this?? I got 3 kids 2 are adults & don’t live with me but my 16 year old does

OP posts:
Catoo · 29/03/2025 00:15

Bluepenguin2 · 28/03/2025 22:03

Leave.

This is the answer.
It will be horrible for a while and then it will be so much better.

Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 00:20

OP he's controlling, he's on steroids and he's got a personality disorder. We can all see where this is going so I would start making plans to leave. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and please get the puppy away from him.

Whowhatwhere21 · 29/03/2025 07:40

Were you actually sat in the room when the doctor told him this? And was it is his first time seeing the doctor about this issue?
My partner has a diagnosed personality disorder and he had to jump through hoops seeing several different people for weekly sessions over the course of 6 months. It wasn't as simple as ' you've got some sort of personality disorder, now off you pop see you again in 6 weeks.'

Alwaystired23 · 29/03/2025 08:49

julieo76 · 28/03/2025 22:42

Yeah apparently the doctor was a mental health practitioner, I went with. Him & thought he was a bit fobbed off. He said to go back in 6 weeks if the online thing didn’t work. He didn’t try it tbh. Yeah he lied to him about the roids, saying he’s always been like this?? I got 3 kids 2 are adults & don’t live with me but my 16 year old does

Do you think it's fair to put your child in this situation? I'd be leaving the reaction for myself, but also for my child not to be living in a dysfunctional home.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 29/03/2025 08:59

Your partner is clearly not a stable person. Is he taking steroids that aren't legitimately prescribed?
Whatever the story is he is mean and unpleasant and I get that you lost your former home in a relationship breakdown but that isn't going to make this situation better or worse, it's in the past.
Give yourself a mental break from your partners demands and unreasonable behaviour step back and very deliberately draw up a list of pros and cons about your relationship.
I once had a therapist who said 99% of the time we all know what we should do about relationships that are "off", we just don't want the hassle of ending them. He was an awesome therapist.

Original poster
julieo76 · 29/03/2025 21:44

Thank you all for your advice, I think I know what I got to do, it’s gonna be hard emotionally & financially but I need to be strong. He’s adamant that it’s over anyway so I’m not making the choice solely. I will miss my puppy though I’ve got so attached to him 😔x

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 21:47

julieo76 · 29/03/2025 21:44

Thank you all for your advice, I think I know what I got to do, it’s gonna be hard emotionally & financially but I need to be strong. He’s adamant that it’s over anyway so I’m not making the choice solely. I will miss my puppy though I’ve got so attached to him 😔x

Don't leave your puppy with him OP. Re-home the puppy if you can't keep it.

Thelnebriati · 29/03/2025 22:13

Bipolar is not a personality disorder. I think you should look at what support you can get for domestic abuse, for how he is behaving now and in case he escalates.
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Original poster
julieo76 · 29/03/2025 23:47

Thank you for your replies I will look into that x

OP posts:
Original poster
julieo76 · 23/07/2025 05:58

Can’t believe I’m still here & still in the same boat. Things have come to a head now & 2 months ago my dad passed away & then my son moved out due to our constant arguing. Now we’ve both come to the realisation that things are not gonna get better & we need to go out separate ways.
Thinking of going down the buy him out route again as would hopefully be Quicker than waiting for my inheritance. Just not quick enough though . He’s really angry & resentful now, saying I’ve ruined his life & that he’s gonna smash the place up if we have to keep living like this.
Im feeling really scared to be in the same house as him but got nowhere else to stay while things are sorted financially. I don’t want to have to leave my home either.
I feel really trapped right now. 😔xx

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 23/07/2025 07:48

julieo76 · 23/07/2025 05:58

Can’t believe I’m still here & still in the same boat. Things have come to a head now & 2 months ago my dad passed away & then my son moved out due to our constant arguing. Now we’ve both come to the realisation that things are not gonna get better & we need to go out separate ways.
Thinking of going down the buy him out route again as would hopefully be Quicker than waiting for my inheritance. Just not quick enough though . He’s really angry & resentful now, saying I’ve ruined his life & that he’s gonna smash the place up if we have to keep living like this.
Im feeling really scared to be in the same house as him but got nowhere else to stay while things are sorted financially. I don’t want to have to leave my home either.
I feel really trapped right now. 😔xx

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

You can call the National Domestic Abuse helpline or chat to Refuge until 10pm. All the best.

Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Are you experiencing domestic abuse? You are not alone. Find out how the National Domestic Abuse helpline can support you.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

BitOutOfPractice · 23/07/2025 07:55

tell him that if he starts any smashing or violence you will call the police. And mean it.

he’s driven your child away. Don’t let him do any more harm.

Be careful op. Is there anywhere he could go?

Maddy70 · 23/07/2025 07:55

Absolutely unacceptable. I would leave him

overthinker001 · 23/07/2025 08:05

category12 · 28/03/2025 22:33

The doctor didn’t specify but said go away & look at some therapy online.

Riiiiiiight. A doctor (GP?!) diagnosed him with a personality disorder but didn't tell him what it was and just told him to get online therapy and buh-bye? How many times was he seen, what was the doctor's speciality? That sounds like bollocks.

That and 'roid rage.

Do your kids live with you?

This!! I’m diagnosed with EUPD and it took years of seeing gps and all sorts of specialists to get the diagnosis.