How long does it take to forgive & forget?

[Dubmam]

Hi, with my partner over 25 years. Have 2 children, the youngest just turned 20. Just before Christmas, I found messages between him & a work colleague, v flirty. One of his messages to her was that she was an AMAZING flirt, this was shortly after their Christmas party. Lots of messages back & forth where she keeps telling hom that "I've made myself clear" in relation to her feelings about him. The last message was from my OH to her asking to meet up - this is when i saw the messages & confronted him. He swears it meant nothing & he was just flattered by her attention. Regardless, he responded & from his messages to her seemed v keen. I was gutted & he seemed genuinely ashamed & upset. He has been going for counselling for the past 2 months & communication between us is so much better. In fact, i feel we are so much closer than we have been in years. But there is still doubt in my mind, no matter how I try to stop the negative thoughts. I am also really annoyed with myself that I spoke to him as soon as I saw the messages, with his last one being from him asking to meet up. He swears this was to meet her & put her straight - that whatever was going on between them had to stop. I don't really believe this but have no way of knowing for sure as he stopped messaging her when I discovered their messages. They both work together although he works mainly from home. I feel he is really trying to mend our relationship but I am still feeling hurt & confused. I want to believe that this flirtation meant nothing to him but how do you really know? And when will I stop feeling so shit?

We’re five years on from me discovering his affair and I still struggle at times. It’s possible but it’s hard. Most of Mumsnet will say ltb. I’m sorry he’s treated you like this xx

If she is still his work colleague I don't see how you can forget.
Generally where a H or P starts on the road to an affair/ has an affair with a work colleague a minimum requirement for forgiving and forgetting would be for them to change their job so they no longer have contact with the OW.

I don’t blame you at all for feeling this way. He has betrayed your trust big time. You could tell him you are still reeling from it all and you need a lot of reassurance from him. I’d want to scratch her eyes out. It will take a long time and good behaviour from your husband to ever fully trust him again. Only you know if your relationship can ever fully recover. First sign of anything else happening definitely run.

I am sorry to be blunt, but I would advise you to stop flogging a dead horse and split up. You can’t trust him. You’ll never trust him again. If you don’t make the break now, you’ll end up doing it further down the line, having wasted years of your life trying to make the best of something that is broken.

Thanks for reply. I don't know that I an continue feeling like this for 5 years - how do you manage? I really thought that if I was ever to find myself in this situation, that I would finish the relationship, but here I am. And that's making me feel weak & vulnerable which I've never felt before. I do feel he is really trying to make amends & a lot of the time recently I feel hopeful about us. But it's just so hard to move on.

I am not sure why when men cheat or contemplate it that they need to go to counselling. It wasn’t a traumatic experience for them And usually the opposite of that. It was actually their choice made through a sequence of willing actions sadly. I don’t think it “fixes” the past tbh. I would not be able to get past the betrayal tbh. I would always be thinking what would have happened if I didn’t find the messages? Sorry op, it sucks, hope you get some good advice on here.

I have been in a very similar situation, 9 years ago. DH and OW still work together, but I trust nothing would happen between them now. I don’t feel shit about it anymore, but it took a LONG time to get here. And has changed our relationship. He had a lot of counselling following it all coming out, as did I. I don’t believe he ever had deep feelings for her, it was more about his desire for attention, and it could have been anyone. I think that made it easier to move forward but it was a devastating time none the less. Good luck to you, there are a dark days ahead and it’s not easy but won’t last forever forever

I would never stay with someone who cheated on me or attempted to. I honestly believe that it is personality trait and cannot be fixed. If he did it once there is absolutely no reason for me to believe that he would not do it again.

To those women who did stay with their partners, I would say, good for you, if you were able to find your peace and trust them again, that is amazing. I just would never be able to do that, and do not see why I should. You choose your partners based on love, trust and respect. When cheating they are proving that they do not actually feel any of this for you, so a person I once chose to spend my life with would not qualify anymore.

Also, I agree with @AnonAnonmystery how would therapy help a man in this situation. Adultery is not a mental health issue, it is a matter of morals and honour.

Counselling isn’t just for trauma…. It can be to understand your actions and what has led you to them and working on that…

I really do understand how you’re feeling. Mine did this. Also work colleagues - more than once. Took me a while to cotton on. Some were ONSs. The longest fling actually lasted for several years.

He’s an Ex now.

This issue is that they’ll still see each other and be interacting daily (even if they’re not in office at the same time). It’s exhausting wondering who he’s taking to and what they’re saying.

I muddled on for years thinking I was doing the best for our kids. I just modelled a bad example of a relationship, and I’m hoping they don’t end up in my position.

I understand he’s still at it.

I think your H should look for another job, if he’s really committed to you and wants to show he’s genuinely trying. They need distance between them and not everyday contact.

@TY78910 I don’t believe cheating men don’t understand their actions .., they only become bewildered when they get caught!

I’ve got some threads on here as I’ve been going through the process after discovering that my DH was having an affair with a coworker. Your situation sounds like how my DH and OW started out.

We’re in recovery, BUT, she quit her job immediately (her own DH found out). I don’t know if we could have recovered if they had carried on working at the same company.

Well they understand the action but not always the reason why. It’s not about excusing it, it’s a disgusting thing to do to someone, but something made you do it so address it - whether it’s for the sake of the current or any future relationship.

The whole counselling thing is pure performance theatre. What’s he got to feel traumatised about? The massive ego boost that trying to get off with this woman gave him?

So that’s a load of old shit. However, a lot of the time when people have affairs / try and have affairs, it has nothing to do with your relationship and how good / bad it might be. You’re probably thinking ‘how could he do this to me?’ but he hasn’t thought in that way. He’s not ‘done it to you.’ He’s done it for himself. Because if we are all brutally honest, it’s nice to have an ego boost and a flirtation with an attractive woman/ man who isn’t our partner of many years. What’s not to like?

Most of us manage to set a firm boundary though and keep that little crush where it belongs - inside our head. - which your husband failed to do.

I would struggle to believe that he was meeting up with her to ‘put her straight.’ Does he actually think you are stupid? So until he is honest about his intentions then no, you can’t repair the damage and move forward because you know you haven’t got the truth

I wish women in this situation would realise it's not actually about you.
If he is cheating with his co worker it could be anyone..
The crucial thing is he felt ENTITLED to cheat, the person he cheated with was just the first available one.
Most people in a relationship don't cheat.
They don't cheat because they value and love what they have with their person.
When people cheat they don't like you, they have no respect, no loyalty.
They can be with you and look at you and feel nothing.
I have always said it takes a certain almost sociopath to do that.
Most people do not cheat.
The ones that do are horrendously lacking in empathy, loyalty and decency.

How is he trying to show his remorse? This is important - why did he feel it was appropriate to show such disrespect & think there would be no consequence? You know exactly why he was hoping to meet her (don’t let him fool you - he had to meet up to tell her to stop - that's him continuing to make a fool of you he could at least be honest - not true contrition if he cant even be honest about that) He probably did feel flattered, excited by her, liked the attention but it had to start somewhere she wouldn’t have out of the blue started flirting if he hadn’t encouraged it. Honestly if your not working this through together with him begging for forgiveness & showing genuine remorse (eg checks on his phone, lap-top, etc) you will never trust him. He has shown you he is an untrustworthy husband and unless he shows genuine remorse answering honestly all your questions your marriage will never recover. Was his “new interest woman” how did he tell her it was over between them? Is she married? Btw if he shows total remorse & you believe him & feel you are not resentful of his actions ive heard its about 5 years before you start to feel better but your marriage will never be the same. What consequences does he feel just now?

If it meant nothing to him, how come he was prepared to risk his relationship with you for something so trivial?

He swears it meant nothing…

@Dubmam, that is nonsense. OW’s flattery and attention clearly meant a great deal to him. He weakened his boundaries for her, and was willing to betray you and your trust and risk your marriage to lap up her adoration.

They obviously began a flirtation some time ago, and were carrying on at the Christmas party. Their colleagues will have noticed their dynamic.

He’s been enchanted and infatuated, and was keen and enthusiastic when OW ‘made herself clear’. I guarantee that his proposal to meet up was not to shut things down. He’d had plenty of time to back off and could have ended it via message or call. No, he wanted to escalate the EA by meeting for a date.

He continues to make a fool of you by not acknowledging the full truth. You cannot authentically move forward, as you don’t have all the facts. Because you don’t know what all you’re forgiving, you’re actually in a false reconciliation.

The gold standard for recovery from an office infidelity is the cheater’s cutting contact with
OW/OM and changing jobs. He needs to do both.

@Dubmam, you’re going through a terrible trauma. Consider accessing IC for yourself to gain clarity and to have a safe place to process your feelings.

It’s hard but after 25 years it would be unusual to not have at least one bump in the road. It’s worth trying.

Years

@Ilovemeggy38 I don’t agree with you on this- I think you are looking at it from a female perspective- I think many men do indeed love and respect their wives but are very easily flattered And like the buzz and want more on top of what they are getting and don’t think they will get caught out. The old expression was ‘dick lead’ and I think there’s a lot of truth in that for some.

When hell freezes over.
Life is far too damn shoort to accept that behaviour from anyone, let alone stay with them and having to repair your own self-esteem.

He swears he was going to meet her and put her straight

What??

Sorry but if someone was coming on to me in work, I would be telling them to stop and blocking them...not arranging to meet them in person.

He doesn't really sound like he has taken accountability or is being honest with you.

I'm sorry

He needs to cut ties with her and change jobs for you to completely feel comfortable and begin to forgive, unfortunately I don’t think you’ll ever forget. It’s now a new normal in your relationship and it’ll never be the same again but 7 years on for us and I barely give it a thought, but it’s like a little demon that pops up now and again, but you do live with it and it stops hurting so much, we are now really happy again. The trust has been broken and it takes a long time to heal from that x

Also need to mention that your OH needs to sit you down and tell you EVERY single detail! It’s sickening but what really hurt and set me back was the fact that my husband kept lying and in the days and weeks that followed I kept founding out new things and he kept tripping up. First oh we’ve been texting, oh she’s given me a lift home, oh we went for a drink, oh she’s been to our house… you get the idea! That took years to get over!