Dear @Dubmam ,
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.
But let's be clear. You will never forget that this happened. Forgive? Maybe, in a few years, but he's not giving you the necessary conditions in which forgiveness can occur.
I feel like you're not in an upside-down world where he has massively betrayed your trust, and you're now the one who's having to do the hard work. He's made a few half-assed excuses and now it's up to you to let go and forgive, and even erase your memory. How convenient for him. And after what, 4 months?
The biggest problem you have right now is the incredible invalidation that's going on regarding your pain and suffering, which he has caused. He isn't allowing you to fully feel your pain, which also means you aren't being given space to heal. And you yourself are also not giving yourself enough space to heal, expecting yourself to have magically forgotten after just a few months. As if this hasn't irrevocably changed who you are, for the rest of your life. You will never again be a woman who hasn't been betrayed and cheated on. This will be a scar on your heart forever. And you're all going over it so lightly.
Look, I understand being with someone for decades, having a family, lives intertwined and not just leaving him right then and there. But I also think that you have every right to evaluate day after day whether staying with him is still the right option. You can't know how you will recover from this. And even if you have decided to work on it when it all happened, that doesn't mean you need to double down. You can always decide to change your mind, that you can't get past the betrayal. So don't rush yourself into knowing now whether you want to stay or go. Allow yourself to take time, and don't feel guilty towards him that you can't say for sure whether you'll end up staying together. He made this mess. He can bare the consequences.
And lastly, I think you need to really ask yourself whether your husband has been forthcoming enough and honest enough. You can only start to work on forgiving once the injustice has been acknowledged. He keeps downplaying what was going on and lying about going to meet her. So basically he's telling you to swallow his lies and forgive him for something he won't even own up to. That's ridiculous. We all know he was up to no good. You can't heal unless the damage he has done is being validated. A true apology starts with owning your mistake and being humble, not saving face or doing damage control. He's still more intent on saving himself rather than being honest with you. Good luck going to marriage counseling when he isn't even honest about what drove him to the affair and what he needs to do to protect you from ever having to endure this again.
You have a long road of healing ahead of you. And people won't always give you the space you need to do that. So at the very least, give yourself that space. Be kind and patient with yourself. You're allowed to feel this way.