Dating older man?

[ThatQuickLion]

Hi everyone!
I'm 22, met M34 during my friend's party. We talked to each other and I liked him. But I've never dated someone that much older. What red flags should I look out for? He has no kids as far as I know.

I would be very cautious. I met my partner at 21 and he was 12 years older. We have been together for nearly 30 years and the age gap is more of an issue now than it was when we were younger. I think there was a power imbalance that has become more apparent as I have matured - when younger I used to assume I was 'wrong' about things and defer to his knowledge and maturity, especially as I wasn't a very confident person. What I've actually come to realise is that the things that bothered me were valid and were just dismissed by him. I think he is actually quite immature, and was back then, but I just couldn't see it at the time.

See this is classic projection and highly unlikely to be relevant to the OP. Coaxing her into being terrified of men won't do her any favours in her life

I actually find men in their 20s more appealing than millennials now. From what I've seen they are more compassionate and less judgemental. Generalising of course. But just an example, there was a guy in a club (I work at) with, presumably, his gf last month and she was pretty but really really big. In my day men wouldn't have glanced at her because of that. But he was smitten. They also seem to be more respectful of 'no' in the too.

*in the club now too

That's refreshing to hear those sorts of views about young men of today! Most people on MN would have you believe they are all walking predators.

Unfortunately it only serves to highlight how crap the older generation is though. That basic respect seems so surprising.

Would trust a 22 year old more than a 35 year old these days.

Only downside is they, Generalising again, have crap conflict handling skills. They are constantly expecting security to deal with the most minor of issues.

I would not get involved with a man of 34 when your just 22. Your at different life stages. Most people l know at your age just finishing in university, making career plans and trying to get jobs. The people of your age that are working can be working long hours or doing extra study to get a better job. Then free time is for going out, going on cheap holidays and enjoying life.

At 34 most people of that age are in established careers, are in serious relationships IE getting married or planning to have children. They have bought homes or are seriously saving for one.
If a man of 34 is interested in a woman of 22 I think they have a few red flags.
They possibly had a bad brake up because they would not get married or have a family. They lack the maturity of other men around their age ie job hopping, long periods of unemployment, happy to stay living at home and possibly in a low paying job. Then some still think that they are still in their early 20's or then think that everything they do and say is always right.

Women of their age can spot the red flags and learn to avoid men like them.

I know a man who is now in his mid 50's and is living with a woman who is about 18 years younger than him. She is paying towards the mortgage on the house in his name and the bills. He has a decent income but is mean. If they go away for a night they stay in a cheap place. Even 20 year's ago the same man was trying to get involved with woman who were years younger than him because woman of his age could spot the red flags. If they got involved with him they ended things quickly as they realised what he was like.

One of my friends works with a lady in her early 60's and her husband is 10-12 years older than her. He always knew what was best and it took her years to get him to agree to move from the countryside into town. She was stuck at home with small kids and no car before this. When they moved into town it made life easier for her and the kid's. Now he does not want to go places or do thing's. He is retired and she is still working. My friend said she a nice woman but is quite and would not stand up for herself. My friend said I think when she retires she end up has his career.

I think it better to be with someone at the same life stage as you and not with someone who is years older than you.

I would agree with this. I’m in my late 30s, and to me, a 22 year old is barely more than a child. It’s a creepy age gap.

It's more about what you have in common.
I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 36. We had a lot in common. Similar jobs, similar ideas about the future. Similar hobbies and interests. Similar life experiences. He had never been married, had no children.. we did those for the first time together.
You need to be aware that if you fall in love and end up staying together long term then there's the potential he will die earlier than you or that you'd have to care for him. Not a concern if you are just casually dating for fun.. but it's something that weighs on me as being potentially very sad. But I'd rather have the time with him I do than not at all and avoid sadness later. Because I know the love we have is important to me.

It's also important at your age to think about power dynamics. None of my DHs other partners had been younger than him. In fact a couple were significantly older. I was sure his relationship with me wasn't about wanting a younger partner.
But something we did struggle with when we had kids was the fact he was much further on in his career than I was and s mine took a back seat for childcare. I habe always been financially on the back foot as he has always been the higher earner due to having years on me. This is something to think about if you have a long term relationship with an older man. You need to think about how that would make you feel. Of course you might be doing well in your own career already and then it wouldn't be a problem. But most 22 year olds will not be as financially stable as a man in their 30s.

Different life stages do not mean relationship is automatically doomed though. I do want kids and marriage but we decided with my SO we're going to have it when I'm closer to 40s and she to her late 20s-early 30s. It all depends if someone is ready to compromise.
Older partner can help and provide guidance, too, if younger asks for it.

Guidance on what?

This is the problem with an older man and much younger woman relationship.And you've just proven it.

You think that your younger partner needs guidance from you. That's not your role. Partnerships are meant to be equal.
A partnership between a man in his thirties and a woman in her early twenties who's probably just barely out of uni, if she went at all, is not equal in any sense of the word.

She would have been better off with a partner, her own age growing together, and having children when they're both reached some sort of financial stability rather than having kids quickly before you get too old.

I do not think she needs guidance from me, I just provided it when she asked me. I helped her to find a job and made her more confident with interviews. So if you're thinking I have been bossing her around and telling how to dress that's not the case.
Sure they are meant to be, so where's a crime if older partner helps younger one to grow until they're equal? It's their responsibility, please google the campsite rule.
It can be a problem, but not always is.

Red flags are not just age dependent though. You can be with someone your own age and be unhappy and all those things you have mentioned. The OP didnt even say whether she told the guy how old she was, they were just chatting at a party. Lots of young women look and act older than they are so whilst he was probably aware she's in her twenties he wouldn't necessarily think early twenties. A woman of 22 can have so much fun with a guy in his mid thirties. It doesnt need to be the case that you date and then settle down, she can just enjoy spending time with him and see where it goes. There are also plenty young women who arent career driven or money driven and look for a partner who is more settled in life.

When I was 23 I met my husband who was 38. It was fine at the time but as we got older the age gap seemed more and more. I wouldn’t do it again. Looking back I think it was a bit weird that he wanted someone that much younger tbh.
Everybody is different though, but I’d be wary

Exactly

I would say don't do it.

I got in a relationship with a man in his 30s when I was in my 20s (not quite as big an age gap as this though) and ironically this was my only relationship where I was most made to feel that I was too old for him(!!)

Whether that's because of his misogyny, Peter Pan syndrome, obsession with young women I don't know. But he gave me the boot when I turned 30 and admitted that was where some of his anxiety was coming from, due to his feeling 'my biological clock was ticking'. Seemed unable to see how ridiculous this was when he was entering his 40s.

He's now with someone even younger.

I'm with someone the same age as me now and the subject of aging, particularly my aging / women aging, never ever comes up.

Has he got his mum in a rocking chair in his attic lol.

Is he called Leonardo?.