Dating older man?

[ThatQuickLion]

Hi everyone!
I'm 22, met M34 during my friend's party. We talked to each other and I liked him. But I've never dated someone that much older. What red flags should I look out for? He has no kids as far as I know.

This is very strange advice.
I'm in my 30s and don't have a car. I live in London, in a built up area, and work in the City. I don't need a car! I would never use it. It is hardly the bench mark of a successful person or a deal breaker depending on the context.

A 22 year old is more likely to be unable to drive or own a car but that's ok?

The questions should be directed back at op. She's 22. Does she have a job, what's her aim and ambition, does she live with her parents, does she do drugs.

These questions to ask the 34 year old are more suited to a 22 year old as she's hardly old enough to be in a well established career so where does she plan on going in life? Does she have a plan at all.

Perhaps it is the 22 year old who sponges off her parents, can't drive and does drugs with her friends. That's more likely given her young age.

I don't think a 22 year old is going to prioritise house, car, stable job, pension scheme at her age. That is the list of a much older woman who wants to settle down.

Quite frankly at 22 what on earth do you want with a 34 year old man. He's too old for you and you're too young for him.

A 22 year olds list is surely someone they got on with, love and have fun with. It isn't that complicated.

This thread has been derailed by Fluffys projection of her traumatic relationships onto this experience. She expects the situation to be exactly like her ex.

The OP asked about dating an older man she's been told to ask if he's done prison time.

The things to watch are you might end up living a mid 30s more sedate lifestyle when you're only 22. You might get bored living like a mid 30s at young age.

Many men mid 30s are on the rebound from their first failed long term relationship and do often aim for women on the younger side so absolutely agree with pp, on the flip he maybe single because he's taken thus far getting his life in check, but definitely important to know what you're getting into.

True, but a 34 year old who is chasing after a 22 year old is far more likely to be one of life’s losers. He may be hoping that she’s too young and naive to realise that he’s a dud.

Yep. This was exactly my experience of dating an older man. Never again.

A lot of people here projecting their experience, they either had a bad relationship or can't imagine themselves dating someone younger/older. I'm 37 and my honey is 24, but we started dating when I was 34 and she 21. Been together for 3 years and still go strong.

What you need to know OP:

1. Does he treat you well or is he controlling and wants things to be only his way.
2. Are your lifestyles compatible. I can keep up with 20s lifestyle without hurting my career, a house and other 30s things.
3. What do you both want out of this long-term.

Good luck!

Is he a decent and good man?

That's the question you need to answer for yourself whether he's 22 or 42.

Then I suppose there's 'do I like him', 'are we on the same wavelength' and a host of other questions you could ask yourself.

But always, always start with that first one, keeping things casual until you're satisfied you've got your answer, not letting him love bomb you or sweep you off your feet.

Be on the look out for a power imbalance. Always doing what he wants, being dismissed as too young to know better, being told he's older and wiser, feeling as if you have to change your behaviour to please him, being pressured to do things you don't want to, doing things to please him when you don't really want to do them etc etc.

If anything makes you uncomfortable and you feel either you can't tell him or you do and he dismisses it telling you that you're are being silly, you have an imbalance. He isn't seeing you as an equal. This is one of the big risks in dating an older man in your early 20s.

I'd say men just start getting good in their thirties. Twenties they are still far too immature. I'd say go for it and have fun and enjoy someone with a bit of experience.

22 year old women are still quite immature. My trainee at work is 23 and she's still living like a uni student - flat sharing with friends and having late nights out and staying up until 3am on weekend nights and why shouldn't she? She's young and it's that's what she wants, then why shouldn't she live that way.

I can't imagine a mid 30s man wanting to live that lifestyle. Sensible and mature isn't necessarily something a 22year old wants either.

I mean you could argue if he's 34 and interested in a 22 year old, it's a red flag.

Perhaps that's not entirely fair but...I'm around his age now and I often date younger... But 22? No. Generally anyway. Yes there can be exceptions where maybe you do have lots in common but...there's still such a power imbalance. It wouldn't feel right.

You also need to be very careful as many older men chase young women directly because of this power imbalance. And they think you are less experienced on how to spot abuse. And roll tolerate more shit.

Good on you for askung questions though!

I'd be asking how old his ex's were. Maybe in a round about way. If he has a pattern of dating very young women, it's a red flag.

Id be listening for incel words that men come out with on men's podcasts too. Words like 'alpha man' and 'females'.

Any hints he doesn't like women. For example all his ex's are 'crazy'. Or using words like 'slut' when talking about any women.

I think early mid twenties woman with early mid thirties man is ideal. Men are quite often behind women growing up so it's more even. Plenty women in their twenties arent necessarily into partying and drinking. And even if a thirty something man was still doing that, why not? He's not old!

It ideal for him perhaps.

Not necessarily for a young woman.

No but now I'm in my late 30s i wouldn't want to be with a man into his early 50s.

The age gap does change over time.

Or late 40s with a man in his 60s.

It's not ideal when you're still in your 30s and stuck with a grumpy old man in his 50s.

Well then she doesnt need to date him. So many advantages in dating an older guy. I've always found guys in their twenties unappealing even when I was in my twenties. They take time to mature.

Who says he's gonna be grumpy. And if he has a younger woman it makes it a bit less likely he will be grumpy. And people in their 50s and 60s now are not how they were a few generations ago are they.

I'm not against age gaps in relationships, unless one person is below their late 20s. The red flag for me would be that he is interested in a 22 year old

I think whatever everybody has missed on this thread is that she has said that she met him at a party and she likes him.

She hasn't said that he likes her or that they're dating or that there is any mutual interest..

But as a moot point I think he's far too old for her.I think once she's over twenty five in dating someone in their early thirty that's fine, but there's a lot of maturing, even for a woman to do between twenty two and twenty five.

But in this particular scenario, she d be twenty five and then dating a thirty seven year old, which I still think is too old.

Over twenty five, an early thirties may be about a five year age gap.

DH and I have that age gap, we've been together for 27 years and still happy. I am an old soul so we have same values and I love his generation's values. I can see myself with someone my own age, but well the heart chose him and I can't imagine being happier with anyone else.

To add, he wasn't wealthy when we met, but he had a house, a stable job, never been married and no hung up from past relationships.

I’ve done it twice and wouldn’t again. Though they’re lovely and mature in many ways, there’s always been a sense of them patronising me that I don’t like. It increases them sexually objectifying you too. I’m with someone my age now and it’s lovely.

Wouldn't like my DD who was just out her teens dating a man in his mid 30s to be honest. Too much of a power imbalance. I also question the motives of a man in his mid 30s, wanting to be with a woman so much younger/just out of her teens ... A bit creepy IMO.

When I was your age and little bit older I dated a few older men, I enjoyed it. I liked the fact they were a bit more mature, we usually went to nicer places than my friends and I could afford - but none of it was very serious. I settled down with someone who is a year older than me. Have a laugh, enjoy it.

Who says there has to be such a power imbalance. Plenty mid 30s men can be easily manipulated and plenty women in their twenties can be intelligent and head strong and wrap men around their finger.

Spat my tea out

Be mindful of these things:

• How is the power dynamic? Does he treat you as his equal? Is he belligerent? Controling? Dominant? Does he value your opinion as much as his own?
• Why isn't he with a woman his own age? Is it because he knows a 34-year old woman won't put up with someone like him?
• Does he have his shit together? At 22 it's fine not to know where life is heading. At 34 there is no excuse. He needs to know where he is, what he wants, what his ambitions are and whether they are realistic, and he should be building some kind of life for himself.
• How does he feel about you being younger and still needing time to figure out what you want in life?

The issue with bigger age gaps can be as much to do with not being at the same life stages. Some age gaps are happy together, others wished they'd spent their early and mid 20s having more fun not settling down, some realised too late that he had a thing about much younger women and were exchanged for other early 20s partners when they got to their 30s, some were just in it for the ego boost and status among their friends, some found they were in a very unbalanced relationship and controlled.

There is no one answer but at 22 you and he are highly likely to have different priorities and at different life stages, you cannot reconcile those and at the same time remain equal partners. Don't waste your youth on older men unless you and he want the same things on the same timelines and not just because he persuaded you that's what you want.