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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I move on from this?

37 replies

HelpmepleaseImlost · 27/03/2025 15:47

NC for privacy as this could be outing.

'H' and I married for over 30 years, 3 DC. We have a fantastic lifestyle, I don't work and H runs a successful business which has floated on the stock market and worth millions now. We don't have lots of things in common but do go out with joint friends at least a few times a month along with amazing holidays all around the world. I thought we were happy, yes things have changed since we were first together but after 30 year of marriage and 3 kids (one of whom is ND), I thought we were ok.

I have just found out that he has been having an affair with a work colleague and that it has been going on for over 5 years. I am devastated, furious, in shock and don't know what to do. I found messages between the 2 of them that he had deleted but were saved to his cloud account and have spent the last day reading them, in absolute shock. They are explicit and worse than that, full of emotion and feeling about how they want to be together but the realisation that can never happen as he won't leave our children.

What the hell do I do? He is currently out of the country on business and I don't want to do this over the phone. I want to confront him with the evidence and see his face. I don't know what I want in terms of our future, because I haven't worked since my early 20s, there is now way I can enter the job market now as I have absolutely zero skills and no experience. I thought I was with an honest guy who loved me, even though we have had our ups and downs, so how could he do this to me?

I can't stop reading the messages between the 2 of them, they are destroying me and I'm absolutely gutted that he's said these things to her. Really graphic messages about what he wants to do to her, times they went away together, times he was longing for her and everything in between. I feel so sick, I just want to see him and get this all out in the open.

Please be kind to me, I'm on a knife-edge and feel like I can't deal with any criticism at this stage 😩

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 27/03/2025 15:52

Don’t say anything yet. Get screenshots of the messages. Get copies of all paperwork and plan for an exit. See a solicitor. Then, when you’re ready, say something to him. In the meantime, push the he’ll out of a cushion whilst pretending it’s him!

GatherlyGal · 27/03/2025 15:53

So sorry to hear this it must be such a shock. You should start gathering information now before he know you know.

It sounds like there is some money at least which means you can both come out of the marriage with some security.

If I were you I wouldn't be rushing to get a job just yet.

Spendysis · 27/03/2025 16:00

So sorry op what a shock
Take screenshots of the messages before you confront him

MoreChocPls · 27/03/2025 16:02

I’d go on a big shopping spree!

Orangemintcream · 27/03/2025 16:06

MoreChocPls · 27/03/2025 15:52

Don’t say anything yet. Get screenshots of the messages. Get copies of all paperwork and plan for an exit. See a solicitor. Then, when you’re ready, say something to him. In the meantime, push the he’ll out of a cushion whilst pretending it’s him!

This.

How old are the kids?

Chuchoter · 27/03/2025 16:28

Are your children not approaching adulthood?

Randomer27 · 27/03/2025 16:35

that is just awful.

Can I just say, you don’t have to divorce if you don’t want to, or you can do that later.

The more thinking you have done ahead the better.
Given that you are in your mid fifties, I would say choose not to go back to work. The later you leave it, the better.

Do you have your own pension provision? What about him?
Do you have access to money and have you a bank account?

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/03/2025 16:35

I’m so so sorry. Take screenshots or photos of everything. Find legal help and make sure you have access to everything financial you need. I wouldn’t say anything to him until I was prepared - he’s had 5 years to figure out what he would do if it got out, give yourself a couple of weeks at least. You need to safeguard your future and make no mistake about it - he’s might have been acting lovely and kind but in a divorce he WILL try to shaft you. He has screwed you over for 5 years, he’ll do exactly the same legally if he can.
make Sure you have someone you trust to talk too - tell a good friend. You’ll need the support.
fucking bastard.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 27/03/2025 16:38

Ducks in a row..
Obtain all paperwork, bank statements, pensions, investments, properties etc.

Then when you're ready, divorce the man.

offmynut · 27/03/2025 16:41

Its not just an affair its a whole separate life.
Get evidence as much as you can get a divorce move on and leave him with his whore.
Moving on wont be easy but in time he will become unimportant to you.

HouseCaptain · 27/03/2025 16:42

It’s awful. I know the pain you’re feeling.

think very carefully about you want. In a years time where would you want to be?

offmynut · 27/03/2025 16:44

Chuchoter · 27/03/2025 16:28

Are your children not approaching adulthood?

I was think this.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/03/2025 16:47

I'm so sorry, you must be heartbroken. I don't really have any advice. Just wanted to offer sympathy.

Daisyrainbows · 27/03/2025 16:52

Even though you want to confront him right away..absolutely don’t. Sit on it, think about it, plan, strategise. Get therapy, work out what you want. Then and only then let him know you know

Endofyear · 27/03/2025 16:59

I'm so sorry that you have found out about his infidelity this way - reading those messages must feel devastating 😢 You've been together a long time and the thought of being alone must be scary.

I would keep this knowledge to yourself for now and get some legal advice. If you have been a stay at home parent and supported his career, you may be able to get spousal support as well as child maintenance if your children are under 18. If your husband is wealthy, you would probably get a decent settlement - enough to buy a small property at least.

Please don't write yourself off in terms of employment - you sound like a sensible and intelligent woman. It's perfectly reasonable for you to retrain in some way and find decent employment. I know a lovely woman who went to work at our local supermarket after many years out of the job market - she moved into customer services, became a supervisor and is now in management. A lot of places will value a more mature person with common sense and life experience.

Do you have a good friend that you can confide in and get some support? I hope so 💐

S0CKPUPPET · 27/03/2025 16:59

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/03/2025 16:35

I’m so so sorry. Take screenshots or photos of everything. Find legal help and make sure you have access to everything financial you need. I wouldn’t say anything to him until I was prepared - he’s had 5 years to figure out what he would do if it got out, give yourself a couple of weeks at least. You need to safeguard your future and make no mistake about it - he’s might have been acting lovely and kind but in a divorce he WILL try to shaft you. He has screwed you over for 5 years, he’ll do exactly the same legally if he can.
make Sure you have someone you trust to talk too - tell a good friend. You’ll need the support.
fucking bastard.

This. Say NOTHING to him. I understand you Want to see his face, no doubt you are hoping he will look shocked and guilty. But his others have pointed out, he’s had years to get his story straight. For all you know, he will completely deny it and come up with some implausible explanation for what you found.

He might even attack you and say it was all your fault because you didn’t give him enough attention, et cetera. Man who cheat like this are very good at turning around to make it someone else’s fault, usually their wife’s .

Hes obviously clever and plausible and good at thinking on his feet, so you are unlikely to get a showdown and dramatic confession. If anything , you will probably feel a lot worse after you have confronted him than you do now. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s almost certainly true.

The best revenge that you could have on him is to get an extremely good divorce settlement for you and your children. In order to do this you need to say nothing to your husband now but play detective. You need to search through all the paperwork and computers in your house to find information on your personal financial assets. there will be a lot that’s not part of the company , such as savings and pensions.

Then you need to take all of this to a lawyer a very good divorce lawyer, then do exactly what they say.

Your husbands business will be a matrimonial asset, he was only able to do that work because you did everything at home and for the children ( I assume). So you will have a right to half of the value of his shares etc .

In the meantime, arrange some counselling for yourself. Divorcing a rich, powerful and deceitful man is a long and difficult process. They always fight for every penny.

PashaMinaMio · 27/03/2025 16:59

Stay calm. Dont panic. Play cards close to chest. Be a little bit clever.

Do as others are suggesting here, ducks in a row an’ all that.

Take screenshots of everything etc. Take your time to gather together and copy as much paperwork as you can.

See a solicitor. Some firms offer half hour for free. Ask.

Dont give him a chance to delete evidence until you are satisfied you’ve captured all you need.

Take your time. It’s a long long term affair which isn’t suddenly going to end. “Slowly slowly catchee monkey.”

Then, when the time is right, hit him with it!

S0CKPUPPET · 27/03/2025 17:10

I assume you have access to plenty cash OP, so Id ask around for recommendations for the best divorce lawyer you can find. Don’t try to do this on the cheap, as you must have a lot of assets.

Gloriia · 27/03/2025 17:10

So sorry op, this must be very difficult.

As others have said your dc must be adults so it is strange he says he won't leave because of them.

I think a one off ons could be forgiven but once there are feelings involved you can't get past that

Screen shot the messages for evidence then get a good solicitor and take him to the cleaners.

Original poster
HelpmepleaseImlost · 27/03/2025 17:11

Thank you to everyone that has responded, I'm so very grateful. I can see you have all given so great advice so I will digest this and plan ahead. I can't actually believe this is happening 😭I know that is what everyone who is in this situation says but I haven't even begun to process anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpmepleaseImlost · 27/03/2025 17:12

Orangemintcream · 27/03/2025 16:06

This.

How old are the kids?

Show quote history

They are all over 18, our DD has autism and lives at home still. It's her he can't leave apparently, no mention of me 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpmepleaseImlost · 27/03/2025 17:13

Randomer27 · 27/03/2025 16:35

that is just awful.

Can I just say, you don’t have to divorce if you don’t want to, or you can do that later.

The more thinking you have done ahead the better.
Given that you are in your mid fifties, I would say choose not to go back to work. The later you leave it, the better.

Do you have your own pension provision? What about him?
Do you have access to money and have you a bank account?

I have access to an allowance, but he controls everything financial and always has. I wouldn't know where to start!

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpmepleaseImlost · 27/03/2025 17:13

Endofyear · 27/03/2025 16:59

I'm so sorry that you have found out about his infidelity this way - reading those messages must feel devastating 😢 You've been together a long time and the thought of being alone must be scary.

I would keep this knowledge to yourself for now and get some legal advice. If you have been a stay at home parent and supported his career, you may be able to get spousal support as well as child maintenance if your children are under 18. If your husband is wealthy, you would probably get a decent settlement - enough to buy a small property at least.

Please don't write yourself off in terms of employment - you sound like a sensible and intelligent woman. It's perfectly reasonable for you to retrain in some way and find decent employment. I know a lovely woman who went to work at our local supermarket after many years out of the job market - she moved into customer services, became a supervisor and is now in management. A lot of places will value a more mature person with common sense and life experience.

Do you have a good friend that you can confide in and get some support? I hope so 💐

Thank you for this, it's made me cry (and I NEVER cry).

OP posts:
Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney · 27/03/2025 17:14

Omg what a bastard, I'm so sorry. Echoing the advice given here, but definitely get screenshots and evidence

Gloriia · 27/03/2025 17:15

HelpmepleaseImlost · 27/03/2025 17:12

They are all over 18, our DD has autism and lives at home still. It's her he can't leave apparently, no mention of me 😢

Show quote history

He probably had no intention of leaving, your dd will be his excuse. Married men who cheat often want their secure home life plus their bit on the side.

Just take control of the situation.

You must be devastated Flowers.