How do I move on from this?

[HelpmepleaseImlost]

NC for privacy as this could be outing.

'H' and I married for over 30 years, 3 DC. We have a fantastic lifestyle, I don't work and H runs a successful business which has floated on the stock market and worth millions now. We don't have lots of things in common but do go out with joint friends at least a few times a month along with amazing holidays all around the world. I thought we were happy, yes things have changed since we were first together but after 30 year of marriage and 3 kids (one of whom is ND), I thought we were ok.

I have just found out that he has been having an affair with a work colleague and that it has been going on for over 5 years. I am devastated, furious, in shock and don't know what to do. I found messages between the 2 of them that he had deleted but were saved to his cloud account and have spent the last day reading them, in absolute shock. They are explicit and worse than that, full of emotion and feeling about how they want to be together but the realisation that can never happen as he won't leave our children.

What the hell do I do? He is currently out of the country on business and I don't want to do this over the phone. I want to confront him with the evidence and see his face. I don't know what I want in terms of our future, because I haven't worked since my early 20s, there is now way I can enter the job market now as I have absolutely zero skills and no experience. I thought I was with an honest guy who loved me, even though we have had our ups and downs, so how could he do this to me?

I can't stop reading the messages between the 2 of them, they are destroying me and I'm absolutely gutted that he's said these things to her. Really graphic messages about what he wants to do to her, times they went away together, times he was longing for her and everything in between. I feel so sick, I just want to see him and get this all out in the open.

Please be kind to me, I'm on a knife-edge and feel like I can't deal with any criticism at this stage 😩

I have just been tormenting myself by reading more messages - there are literally hundreds! All over the space of 5 years. She is married too, with grown-up children, by all accounts both are very unhappy in their relationships and that is why the affair started. She has tried to end it multiple times and he has pulled her back in every time. It really hurts,

Bless you, I know you're in shock right now so give yourself time to come to terms with it all. It's a horrible nightmare at the moment - you will get through this and reach the other side. Look after yourself lovely 💐

In a way it is good that you've seen the messages. We see many threads on here where women are tormented by suspicions but their husbands gaslight and tell them they're paraoind.

They will be hard to read but it is obviously 100% clear what has been going on and you now have the upper hand. What a selfish and stupid man. Do you know her?

I’m so sorry to read this OP. It must be devastating. We’re here for you. You can get through this.

I know you say you don’t know where to start, and I’d be the same, but I’d definitely start by speaking to a solicitor as they will give you all the advice you need. Doesn’t mean you have to jump into telling him you know, or be forced into making quick decisions, it just means you will have the information you need to take the correct steps forward.

sorry you’re in this situation x

Another women relying solely on a man who’s been cheated on. This is the story all too often in here.

Print out the conversations as a starting point.

I’m sorry OP ☹️.

Thinking practically, are you still having sex with him? And do you need to think about an STI test?

Make sure you take photos of as many messages as you can including the first lot and the last lot. Keep it to yourself at the moment, knowledge is power and you need that. Go to a solicitor for advice. I wish you all the luck, it must be such an awful shock. As pp have said, take your time, you can plan your future at your own pace without him knowing and twisting things.

Use MN for support ❤️

So sorry to hear that Op.Keep them the messages but
don't keep looking at those messages because it's doing you no good.
You absolutely can reenter the work place as an older woman I have.
Of course you're feeling really awful it's natural if you recently found this out.
It sounds like you've been successful as a family him in business, you're entitled to 50 percent of that.Hope he's not got it all hidden away though.

Do you have a really good friend or a family member who you can talk to?
Just wanted to say big virtual hug from me.

As pp’s have said take screenshots of all of the messages and save them on a drive and keep it somewhere safe outside of your house. Take this time while he’s away to look for all the legal and financial documentation you can find, title deeds, pension paperwork, bank accounts etc. knowledge really is power. Any assets no matter whose name they are in are matrimonial assets, don’t let him tell you he’s earned it, it’s his money. That’s not the case every single thing will be a matrimonial asset and you will be entitled to at least half. If the company has floated on the stock market there should be considerable assets there to divide up. Take legal advice from a good matrimonial solicitor and as there is a company involved you may need a forensic accountant if he is or starts hiding assets. All pensions go into the pot and they are often one of the largest assets and can be split to allow you to receive part of his pension on retirement.

OMG. I do not comment very much on here but this has compelled me to.
You are in shock at the minute. Look after yourself although easier said than done I know.
I am sending you strength. You will get through this but at the minute there must be so much racing through your head.
Very best wishes. 🍀

Follow all the advice on here. Keep your powder dry and don’t tell him until you have everything ready. It’s good he’s away - let yourself cry and rage and everything else but do not let on that you know. Tell one trusted friend if you can - you need your people around you. Sending so much support and hugs.

If he was going to leave you, he would have. Very few married men who have affairs actually end up with the OW long term. The fun goes when it’s not a secret anymore and they have to argue over whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher etc. But don’t take that as a reason for YOU to stay if you don’t want to.

You are capable of FAR more than you realise now. You kept 3 tiny humans alive and have run a complex logistical operation (your household) for decades. There will be plenty of employers who want women like you, if/when you want a job. It’s too early to think about it because you’re still in shock, but you will come out of this stronger than you ever imagined possible.