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Original poster

Lads holiday lies

44 replies

Thirtysomethingmumof2 · 27/03/2025 12:09

Just wondering if I’m over reacting , so me and my partner have been together 5 years, we have a two year old daughter and I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship. Since getting together my partner has made it clear he likes to go out with friends & holiday with friends ect which I didn’t mind hes sociable.
My partner is ten years older than me so I did think when we had our daughter he would calm down, and I did say I didn’t feel comfortable with the holidays abroad as a have little to no contact from him and he’s going with single friends. He does go on nights out and works away alot in the week and stays in hotels ect We have also moved to a new area I’m unfamiliar with recently to be nearer his family so I feel quite lonely.
So he recently told me he was going away on a work trip with all his friends he works with to Tenerife, only to discover mid way through the trip he was actually with another group of friends and it was nothing to do with work it was actually just a lads holiday he had organised . When I challenged him when he returned he said he lied because he knew I wouldn’t like him going and I’m paranoid, I don’t want to be controlling but the lying and lads holidays don’t sit well with me .

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 27/03/2025 12:23

He’s a liar and that would be a deal breaker for me.

If you hadn’t found out would he have told you? And if he’s lying about this, what else is he lying to you about? Is he really working away, staying in hotels etc?

He’s already gaslighting you making his lies your fault - I’d be very very suspicious

HScully · 27/03/2025 12:28

I dunno, I'm on the fence here. He shouldn't have lied, but at the same time he has been clear from the beginning he likes to do this.

You should have been honest from the start and said it's not for you. No judgement on this as plenty of people wouldn't like it.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, you will not be happy if he goes, he will be unhappy if you make him stay

bettyboo9 · 27/03/2025 12:29

I don’t really understand why he chose to have a family when he clearly acts like a single man child and prioritises his needs, his fulfilment over his partner and child, constantly it appears. You really shouldn’t put up with this and he’s lying to you as he knows full well he is in the wrong. I’d just get out of the relationship now rather than later, he’s unbelievably spineless and selfish

princesspadam · 27/03/2025 12:29

Like @HScullyi don’t think he should have lied but also you can’t control where he goes & with whom.

Sodthesystem · 27/03/2025 12:29

Sorry op but your partner is a liar.

It's not paranoid if your partner IS a liar.
Which he is.

Abusers and cheats like to tell you you are controlling or paranoid to try make you focus onwards instead of seeing what a bastard they are.

YOU have nothing to prove.

Don't let him convince you otherwise.

There are some people you can give and give and give too and they will keep taking more. Learn the lesson and run from them. Fast and far.

He will never change.

miserablemo · 27/03/2025 12:30

you've been together for 5 years? and this is just a problem now? whats changed? he told you from the start what he was like, you knew he was a 'lad' and that he intended going on 'lads holidays'.

who's idea was it to have a baby?

Sodthesystem · 27/03/2025 12:42

miserablemo · 27/03/2025 12:30

you've been together for 5 years? and this is just a problem now? whats changed? he told you from the start what he was like, you knew he was a 'lad' and that he intended going on 'lads holidays'.

who's idea was it to have a baby?

To be fair, what's changed is she has caught him lying about where he was going and who with.

Also, she has addressed not being comfortable with him taking solo lads holidays. So instead of making adjustments eg: going with her and couple friends or, agreeing to call him more on his trips...or, any kind of reassurance and compromise one would expect from a loving partner....he's gone anyway and lied to her and has the cheek to call her paranoid.

That's not someone capable of a grown up relationship.
And it certainly isn't love.

Life is too short to waste on people who don't give a fuck about you and make it so obvious. Cut him loose.

TwistedWonder · 27/03/2025 12:45

Sodthesystem · 27/03/2025 12:42

To be fair, what's changed is she has caught him lying about where he was going and who with.

Also, she has addressed not being comfortable with him taking solo lads holidays. So instead of making adjustments eg: going with her and couple friends or, agreeing to call him more on his trips...or, any kind of reassurance and compromise one would expect from a loving partner....he's gone anyway and lied to her and has the cheek to call her paranoid.

That's not someone capable of a grown up relationship.
And it certainly isn't love.

Life is too short to waste on people who don't give a fuck about you and make it so obvious. Cut him loose.

Show quote history

💯- and anyone who lies then blames the other persons ‘paranoia’ for those lies is a gaslighting POS.

Hes lying because he’s a liar and it benefits him to lie.

Sodthesystem · 27/03/2025 12:48

Yeah they have a way of making you feel like you're unreasonable to want basic respect. Like 'everyone' agrees with them.

It's bullshit.
No one is on the side of a liar who doesn't care about his partner's feelings.

You have every right to leave. You'd be wise to.

suburberphobe · 27/03/2025 12:50

I hate to say this but I'd be going for an STI test.

GoodCharl · 27/03/2025 12:54

not exactly a family man is he? Im just divorcing a selfish man like this. Booking weekends away with mates. Drives me insane. Not for much longer

Bruisername · 27/03/2025 12:56

Why did you move when it doesn’t seem to have benefitted you?

miserablemo · 27/03/2025 12:56

Sodthesystem · 27/03/2025 12:42

To be fair, what's changed is she has caught him lying about where he was going and who with.

Also, she has addressed not being comfortable with him taking solo lads holidays. So instead of making adjustments eg: going with her and couple friends or, agreeing to call him more on his trips...or, any kind of reassurance and compromise one would expect from a loving partner....he's gone anyway and lied to her and has the cheek to call her paranoid.

That's not someone capable of a grown up relationship.
And it certainly isn't love.

Life is too short to waste on people who don't give a fuck about you and make it so obvious. Cut him loose.

Show quote history

oh don't get me wrong... he's an arse! there were enough red flags 🚩 to start with, i was just curious why now?

DelilahDystopia · 27/03/2025 12:59

"I thought with him being ten years older than me, he'd be calmer"

NO! Such a common mistake. Lots of men still act like prats well into their old age and only calm down when they're forced to, at which point they wsnt a nurse with a purse.

Anyway, the lies would be a deal breaker. I don't think I could be with someone who told me a pack of lies like that

TwistedWonder · 27/03/2025 13:05

DelilahDystopia · 27/03/2025 12:59

"I thought with him being ten years older than me, he'd be calmer"

NO! Such a common mistake. Lots of men still act like prats well into their old age and only calm down when they're forced to, at which point they wsnt a nurse with a purse.

Anyway, the lies would be a deal breaker. I don't think I could be with someone who told me a pack of lies like that

Absolutely- I dated a bloke who was approaching 60 and he acted like an 18 year old still going on partying holidays which were like SAGA shagfests

Once a fuckboy always a fuckboy - to the grave

DelilahDystopia · 27/03/2025 13:08

I feel like there needs to be a public service announcement about older guys. They are not any nicer just because they're older. I think some women think they'll be grateful or something and they'll be nicer as a result, but sadly not. Some men are just assholes and never change.

My colleague got cheated on by a guy she was seeing who was in his 70s.

Chewbecca · 27/03/2025 13:09

He is a liar, yes.

I can kind of see why he did it though, he knew you wouldn't like it. IME men like to give the easy answer.

Have you changed your position on him going away? Did you suggest it was ok earlier on? And hope it would change? (Hoping a man will change is usually pretty disastrous). Or were you clear you were not okay with it from the outset?

Only you can decide where you go from here.

  • put up with him going away with lads
  • get him to agree not to go away with lads
  • end the relationship because you are not prepared to put up with him going away with his friends.

I know you will choose 2 but if he refuses, do you want 1 or 3?

nessiesnotreal · 27/03/2025 13:15

I am going to play devils advocate here and say the only thing he shouldn't have done here is lie. He absolutely SHOULD NOT have lied to you about being on a lads holiday and he has obviously done that because he knew if he told you the truth you would kick off. Lying is a massive no no so I would be massively annoyed at this. I am absolutely NOT sticking up for his lies.

However, going on one of his usual holidays with his friends is not a big deal if you love and trust one another. So this in itself shouldn't be a problem.

Can you imagine if this was a thread written by a female who had gone on holiday with her friends and had lied to her male partner because otherwise he wouldn't have let her go?

You would have been chastised for lying, yes, but ultimately you would more than likely have been told its okay for you to holiday with your girlfriends if that is what you wanted. You would have been told 'you deserve some down time' and that having to ask for permission or asking to go and being told you can't is controlling behaviour and you would have been encouraged to dump your DP.

So I am definitely a little on the fence here. Roles reversed your holiday 'with the girls' would have been seen as being okay.

frozendaisy · 27/03/2025 13:19

It sounds like he can do what he wants, make the decisions and you just go along with everything OP.
He works away, he goes out a lot, goes on holidays with single friends, you moved to be nearer his family (which seems pointless because it sounds like he is never around).

So he has everything he wants, you at home being good little house/mum appliance, near his family so he can escape or show off his daughter as and when he decides, he is the one with the network not you, and you are isolated and seemingly can do nothing about any of this.

You have very few cards here OP.

TwistedWonder · 27/03/2025 13:24

What benefits are you getting here OP? The entire relationship seems to be about him, his wants, him disappearing at will and him doing wtf he wants with zero consequences.

What do you do for yourself?

TheWolfHouse · 27/03/2025 13:27

I really wouldn’t like the lying but I suppose I can see why he did it. It’s no excuse though.

I think you are being unfair complaining about the holidays when he was clear that they were important to him. Did you discuss any of your expectations with him before you had the baby?

DesperateDenise · 27/03/2025 14:00

So basically he gets to live the life of a single man, going off with his pals and doing what he likes with whoever he wants.
Lying about this holiday is the thin end of the wedge.
Why do you put up with being taken for a fool OP? Better to be single than being with a man who has no interest in behaving like a man with a partner and family.

cool4cats2020 · 27/03/2025 14:11

Stop trying to control him. He feels he needs to lie to you to b able to go on holiday with his mates. Clearly they are more important to him than his young family. Don't try to change someone, or hope they will change on their own. Many of us have tried it, all have failed. If you're not happy with it the status quo then you need to leave him.

OpenOliveCat · 27/03/2025 15:43

Which year has he been transported from 2000?
Lads and girls' holidays are a bit old hat. They were a hotbed for dishonesty...

I'd be saying no way, either settle down or leave...

traderbiff · 27/03/2025 15:52

he sounds like a prick

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