Ending marriage without a 'good' reason

[NearlyDone2025]

DH and I have been together for 20 years, since we were students. Very successful financially, 3 kids, we live a pretty charmed life with a lot of very nice aspects to it.

Over the years we've had ups and downs, and at times I've loved him desperately and at times resented him. He's a very calm, reserved and understated character and I think the ups and downs are far less pronounced for him. He just gets on with it.

I think I'm just done. I don't want to live with him. I don't want to share a house or a room or a bed with him. I don't want to chat to him or hear about his day. I'm just totally disconnected from him and don't have any desire to reconnect.

I feel dreadful, our children will obviously be upset by any breakup, our living standards will be affected, the day to day happy, easy life we have will be gone.

DH is a nice guy, and is really attractive and clever. I just don't feel anything towards him except a vague fondness, and it's killing our relationship.

What to do? Stick it out and see if it improves? Or just bite and bullet. I don't want to regret leaving but I can't stop thinking about.

Have you told him how you feel?

I guess that's a stupid question but I didn't want to assume you had and ask what did he say when you told him how you feel because that can come across as a dig.

People change over the years, and the you and him of 20 years ago are not necessarily the you and him of today. Given that he seems a decent sort and he hasn't done anything wrong, perhaps marriage counselling is in order? Or maybe you're just done.

Yes, sorry should have said.

I've tried to talk to him. I don't want to hurt him and make him feel like it's his fault or he's done something wrong so I've been as gentle as possible but he knows. He is obviously upset and stressed by it but I can't see a solution really.

I suppose I can't picture a future together, and I also can't picture the reality of splitting up. Especially without a definitive catalyst to push me into it.

He has suggested counselling and generally just improving our communication but I don't have any desire to. It feels fruitless.

I don't know if MH is playing a part - I've suffered on and off since my youngest was born as I had a terrible dose of PND which took a long time to heal from. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts and feelings can be trusted. I take sertraline which is helpful.

I think you might be unreasonable to refuse to try counselling. If my friend came to me with your DH's problem and the partner had refused to try counselling i'd think they were a bit of a dick, given he's done nothing wrong as such.

That said, you don't need a reason to end a relationship if you want to end it.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? Could perimenopause be playing a part?
It is definitely worth noting that Sertraline causes a blunting of some feelings, especially desire.

I felt similar to this until very recently. Basically it all came down to communication and finding a new level of connection. I went to counselling and peeled back a few layers until I could identify exactly what was wrong.

Talked it through with DH. He then had wave of self awareness too. And we found ourselves having a fresh start, with brand new appreciation and a deeper connection with each other.

We’ve since read that marriage comes in seasons as it changes as you age together. Which is obvious but we hadn’t realised this 🫣

Have you had a look on Spotify or YouTube for marriage help? There’s some great advice out there.

edited to add: PND and meds were a factor in mine as well.

I've just turned 40, although have a Mirena coil so not sure if that delays peri symptoms?

Our sex life has been very up and down from the start but actually that part has been going through a good spell.

I left a similar relationship about 6 months ago after agonising about it for perhaps 10 years. It was the best thing for me. We just weren't connected, and I felt so lonely within my own home. I haven't regretted it for one moment. I'm 55 and feel like the next phase of my life has truly begun.

Our kids have been absolutely fine with it, but we have both worked together to make the split as painless for them as possible. No badmouthing or arguing. Just the understanding that sometimes relationships come to a natural end and no one is to blame.

Whilst you have valid thoughts, I think its really important that you explore the basis of those through counselling before you crash and burn your life. Ultimately you have the right to decide but you need to be very sure in yourself that it is the right decision for you and you won’t have regrets.

i think ups and downs are pretty normal in a relationship with the stresses and strains of life.

Go to counselling alone or together or both first, before you blow your life up.

Thanks everybody. I appreciate the time taken to reply.

Maybe counselling is a good idea to help us get through this one way or the other.

I recommend it for everyone! It’s amazing to have a new levels of self awareness. Its changed my whole life after two sessions - I'm going to keep going for another month or so though.

You didn’t wake up one day feeling like this about him. What do you think has brought it on? Was he supportive when you had PND? Has someone else caught your eye? Have you changed your meds?

It’s confusing you say your sex life has improved while you hate the idea of sharing a room/house/future with him.

Of course he’ll be hurt and feel it’s his fault so I think you need to consider counselling and to go into it with an open mind.

How old are your children? I wouldn’t leave a marriage with young children unless there was a lot of conflict. From what you write it’s hard to tell whether it is a ‘you’ issue (ie he’s basically decent but you’ve gone off him) vs a relationship/‘him’ issue (selfishness, poor communication, different values etc). If it’s more the former, individual therapy rather than relationship therapy might be more suitable.

I think that trying counselling would be a good idea. If nothing else then the two of you will have to find a way to coparent healthily and kindly and you may need help to work through all that.

Honestly, I think that the worst effects of a divorce on children come from financial issues. Since you have no financial worries, I think they'll be a bit cushioned. So I wouldn't worry too much about that side of things.

Obviously, you need to handle the emotional side of it well too, but you won't have those horrible questions like how can we afford two homes, will the kids have to stop doing extra curricular activities or getting new clothes etc.

If you've been feeling like this for a long time and have tried to address it without success, I think you'd be better off divorcing. I'm sure your kids want you to be happy and maybe your husband will be OK with you splitting up if he's quite stoic in general.

Remember that being unhappy is in itself a 'good' reason to end a relationship.

I wouldn’t consider all the worst case scenarios - a “crash and burn” - as being real before you have them. I can’t think of any divorces among people I know that have resulted in this. Certainly for the women that I know divorces that they have asked for have turned out to be the beginning of a whole new fulfilling life. More like a whole lot of work and effort and preparation leading to a take off and then cruise to a better destination. How you look at it will have a huge influence on how it goes! Don’t disparage yourself for knowing what your true feelings are - only you can know them, not those of us reading your words here. If in doubt, write it down and put your words in a box for a few days then read them and check they still resonate and hold true.

The grass isn't always greener.

In my experience it's often because life gets in the way - busy with work, kids, house, you don't do those date nights or focus on each other. Certainly the case for me. There is a decent chance we could have reset, had counselling and looked to get back what we had and rediscover that spark. It may have worked, it may not. 50/50. But that does nag away at me as things could have been different. 100% get counselling and if it works great, and if it doesn't at least you know

I think it would be good to try counselling first and then if nothing changes re-think going for divorce.

I’m 63 and feel much like this too -in my case a couple of things triggered it-finding out about a long since gone emotional affair that made me look an idiot at the time and finding out about a heavy porn addiction- it just kind of killed something for me - this was all about 8 years ago - the porn stuff still there ( but doesn’t know I know) - it’s very hard I feel carrying on when it feels a bit like living a lie, I’m not in a great position to just end it but certainly in your case OP I don’t think it’s something that magically improves. Sometimes the specialness just is no longer there and it’s not just usually a bad day etc -

I’m the same age as you for reference. Similar lifestyle. Honestly I think you’re crazy!!!! You find him attractive, sex life good, yes maybe you have grown into different people but you can reconnect in some ways too. I cannot imagine wanting to be a single parent or enter the cesspit of OLD. Do you do anything together outside of kids? I think that’s key. Together with counselling and building your own life/hobbies. Is it possible you just feel a bit bored (along with lacking connection)? Any relationship will always end up feeling a bit dull at times imho. I also think it will affect your kids to a lesser or greater extent. I’d get counselling, spend time together, work on your MH and maybe reassess in a couple of years. You might feel completely differently

I’m actually surprised you haven’t had more whole-hearted support, even encouragement, as women walking from marriages gets a lot of support on MN ( less so when a man walks).

I understand that that attitude stems from women being stuck in abusive marriages and feeling they have no way out. However it’s definitely broadened into a more general attitude of “why shouldn’t I just suit myself?”

My issue is that when there isn’t really a substantive reason, it makes me wonder why people take vows in the first place if they mean nothing. I mean that’s what marriage is: a promise of commitment.

I was going to say bored too. You do sound a bit bored op?

What do you envisage your life without him as looking like? You say you don’t want to share a house, bed etc with him, but are you imagining a solo life, or sharing a bed etc with someone else?

I'm just wondering how you'll feel if he finds a new relationship pretty quickly? He sounds like a good guy, attractive,clever etc and is likely to be snapped up in the world of OLD. If you genuinely wouldn't care that might tell you something.