Ending marriage without a 'good' reason

[NearlyDone2025]

DH and I have been together for 20 years, since we were students. Very successful financially, 3 kids, we live a pretty charmed life with a lot of very nice aspects to it.

Over the years we've had ups and downs, and at times I've loved him desperately and at times resented him. He's a very calm, reserved and understated character and I think the ups and downs are far less pronounced for him. He just gets on with it.

I think I'm just done. I don't want to live with him. I don't want to share a house or a room or a bed with him. I don't want to chat to him or hear about his day. I'm just totally disconnected from him and don't have any desire to reconnect.

I feel dreadful, our children will obviously be upset by any breakup, our living standards will be affected, the day to day happy, easy life we have will be gone.

DH is a nice guy, and is really attractive and clever. I just don't feel anything towards him except a vague fondness, and it's killing our relationship.

What to do? Stick it out and see if it improves? Or just bite and bullet. I don't want to regret leaving but I can't stop thinking about.

So you don’t want him in your bed but your sex life is going through a good spell? How does that work. I’m confused by that.

This was my first thought too

This was my first thought too

The sex thing I think is a sort of clumsy attempt at connection by both of us. trying to convince ourselves we can't be drifting apart if we are having sex.

If I'm being honest I'd want him to have a new and happy relationship quickly. I want him to be happy and loved and cherished and I'm not doing that at the moment. I care about him and want his needs to be met, but also my own. Above all I obviously want my children's needs to be met.

I did make a vow 17 years ago when we married but I've sort of lost faith in the whole concept of marriage. The idea of being with the same person for a whole lifetime seems absurd to me now.

If I picture a life where I'm not married to him I picture living alone with the children but nearby so we can share parenting, and then possibly in a few years seeing someone. I have no desire to live full-time with a man again, certainly with my children at home, and absolutely no desire to try to blend a family.

Anyway thanks everyone for lending a listening ear and letting me get some of my thoughts out.

Maybe it's too personal and that's why you haven't shared it, but do you know what lies behind the resentment and lack of connection? Are your values no longer aligned, do you have no interests in common, has he done or said things that have upset you, do you have different goals for the future? Do you perhaps not get adequate time for yourself to do things for you and explore your own passions? Could you get more time to do those things without breaking up?

If you don't actually know what you don't like about him and what you are not happy about when he's present in your life, then I think you need to consider the serious possibility that it may be depression or hormone fluctuations that are making you feel this way.

It might not be, but if it is just that, you might regret breaking up further down the line. So it might be worth exploring that with counselling to find the root of your feelings before pulling the plug.
However, if you are sure, you have every right to leave a relationship at any time if you just simply no longer want to be in it.

Absolutely the best idea. It will help things end in the best way possible; if it comes down to it.

Counselling might help you both come to terms with and manage a civilised 'uncoupling' , to borrow a cringe phrase.

Counselling isn't going to force you back into a relationship you don't want.

Perhaps you just need a break, some independent living, to see how it pans out long term, and counselling may help your husband and children come to terms with this.