Emotionally toxic relationship

[Woolly17]

Well exactly that. It's become increasingly toxic and controlling over the last few years. I had enough last year and started to make plans for an exit and he found out. It didn't go well so I stayed and we did therapy (we have small children) but things did not improve. We quit couples therapy as he felt the therapist was constantly having a go at him and wasn't criticising me enough. The therapist told him that he couldn't expect to view me as 'the problem' in the relationship and have me 'solve' myself - and that relationships were made up of co created dynamics (she didn't have a go at him - just told him that he needed to face up to his own behaviours).

Back in January I told him that I didn't see a future for us as a couple and had a bit of a meltdown about it all. He told me I needed therapy and that I would be better after that. Had another conversation about how our relationship is not working a few weeks ago and he once again said that I hadn't had enough therapy to actually make that decision.

I think it's over. He calls me names, belittles me, calls me stupid, useless and tells me I don't pull my weight. He tells me that there's no way my life would be easier with anyone else (there is no one else) and wants to know if I'm jealous of my (widowed - in her 40s) friend who has found love and is getting married (wtf?).

I am utterly financially dependent on him, I work for /with him and he tells me every day how bad I am at everything and how tired he is of carrying the family financially.

So have started to look for a job - and he is being less than supportive. Telling me I can't manage in the real world of work and that no one would put up with me the way he does (true I do make a lot of mistakes). Have recently found a short term temp job and am interviewing for others. He's not happy about that. asking if I'm coping and accusing me of not telling him enough. Unhappy that I haven't got him an introduction to the company I've been temping at for 2 days and asking that on my last day that I put in meetings for him at the temp company (wtf?).

I don't know how to get out without damaging everyone and everything. But given that my family is concerned about how much I've changed, and how quiet and timid I have become it feels as if staying will destroy me.

I'm not even sure there's a question here. Just a long rambling vent.

Can you go and stay with your family as a first step when you leave him?

Bad timing on my part - my sister is in the middle of moving house and my mother is abroad. Also I do not want to leave the kids with him - not that I think he'd harm them but he'd use my leaving as stick to beat me with.

Oh god no don’t leave your kids - I meant go and stay at family with your kids. And I meant for a medium term while you get job set up etc not just for a couple of weeks.

how long is your mom abroad - could you move to her house while she is away/live with her while you get set up?

Also - look properly into what benefits you can get as a si gle
nother etc

is rhere a risk he’ll be violent do you think?

Honestly if I tried leaving with the kids I don't think I could predict what he'd do.

He's not likely to become violent (physically) but I also don't want to do anything daft. I'm very much aware that the point of highest risk is as you leave. So I am extremely motivated to ensure that if and when I do leave it's with all risks as low as possible.

Sounds like you need to contact your local woman’s aid and leave with the DC via shelter. He seems to be very emotionally abusive.

I don't think he's going to do anything dramatic or daft. However, he does have a temper and isn't always great at reining himself in.

We had an absolute sh*tshow of a holiday over Christmas (with my mum and sister) and he was in a foul mood most days. He sulked, he accused me of ruining the holiday (we had to move rooms at the hotel) and of sabotaging his relationship with his nephew (this was sort of my fault) - I hadn't spotted that I'd made a typo in an early version of the holiday plan on the return date (the day was correct) and then hadn't forwarded him all the details by email and only provided a paper copy that he hadn't wanted to look at or discuss. So the date he'd arranged to meet with his nephew didn't work.

He was angry that there wasn't a covered German style Christmas market (we were not in Germany). He was angry I didn't know the location of all the bus and tram stops in a country I don't live in. He was just angry all the time.

This holiday was the straw that broke the camels back.

I have access to a small sum of money which he would like to use of. However if he uses it I will be financially at absolute 0. I'm refusing to let him see where the money is and am trying to retain my control of it. He in turn is accusing me of ruining the family and if I don't show him proof that I have it (and turn it over to him) he will sell the family home (he has other assets). Apparently I am risking his children's lives.

You need to call women’s aid tomorrow - when he is not around.

You need to speak to WA this man is emotionally abusive, you just can’t see it.

I know. I'm having a very hard time accepting that I've allowed myself to get into this situation. Also it's not bad enough to waste WA's time - they have far more serious cases to deal with. I don't think I'm in any immediate danger.

He's never not around.

It is that serious I’m afraid ❤️❤️❤️

You're being very kind. Thank you.

I agree.

This is absolutely serious enough for WA to help you with. He's done a really good job on you and you can't see it, but we all can. He is dangerous and you need to leave with your children ASAP. WA will help you do this safely. This is not your fault.

@Woolly17

You are in an extremely abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't always mean violence. It can mean demeaning, manipulating, financially depriving or controlling. It can mean intimidating and threatening. All of which you are experiencing.

If you were my daughter, I'd make room for you and your children even if I had to sleep on the floor. When is your mum due home?

Brilliant news on the job. Congratulations. You're getting there.

I would stop arguing with him as there's no point. Just grey rock him and disengage as much as you can.

Wikivorce has lots of helpful information. You might find a domestic abuse organisation useful for support and advice.

You can contact Gingerbread. They can answer any questions you have about separation, co parenting, finances etc

Just take it a step at a time.

I agree it is that serious. Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse, in my experience. Bruises heal a lot faster than the impact of constant cruel words.

I just want to 😭 😭 😭 😭.

I know my mum would take me in ( with the kids if need be).

I am just convinced he'd make it completely impossible to get the kids out of the house. My instinct tells me he will use them as a threat and bargaining chip to get me to agree to everything he wants and as a result I need to be incredibly careful about how I move.

It always looks so simple from the outside and I want nothing more than to just run as fast and far as I can. But as he keeps telling me there's nothing wrong with him and I am the one in treatment (I have anxiety and have a therapist).

Will contact Gingerbread and look at wikivorce. I have also been in touch with a lawyer but it's expensive and I currently get a bit less than minimum wage.

Good grief I sound pathetic.

Everything you have written is why you need to reach out to WA & leave with the DC in the clothes you stand up in if need be.

Such has going from the school/nursery run, a “play date”, supermarket shop.

I think you should absolutely take up his offer of solo therapy - but it won’t be for the reason he thinks.

In a toxic relationship they blame you for everything and you can end up thinking that you are the problem. But the resentment grows because you are being treated unfairly.

Then you come to a stage where your gut tells you to leave, but the toxic partner wants to keep control so they will use any tactic to stop you. This may include doubling down on the insults or creating guilt or actually being nice! What they say and what they do will not be the same and you need to accept that they are happy to lie to your face.

I was at this stage when I went for therapy - my then husband fully endorsed it because he thought I would be told that I was the problem, not him.

Instead my therapist validated all my feelings and helped me see that I was being treated very badly. She called it emotional abuse.

I then only had one aim - to divorce. My ex’s flip flop behaviour stopped having any effect on me.

So I recommend you do the solo therapy - it will give you the strength to leave this relationship whatever the difficulties.

Rights of Women can provide legal advice for free, Gingerbread can give you details of how to get cheap/free legal advice.

No you don't!! You sound scared. And that's because he's made you scared. But you don't need to live like that.

You say your mum will take you in. That's great!!! You have a place to go. Can you bide your time until she gets back? Do you feel physically safe? As far as getting yourself and the DC out, will you be able to tell him you're taking the DC to your mum's for a visit? To the shops? Can Mum come pick you up 'for an outing'?

Listen, many women have left with nothing but the clothes on their backs and have been able to make new lives. If necessary, so can you. Work with DV agencies, they can help you formulate a plan and find resources. Worst case scenario, the police escort you and the DC out. Once you're out you can make future plans.

What you seem to have on your side is that he thinks he has you in a box and that you won't leave. This can be to your advantage. Let him keep thinking like that. Stop talking about being unhappy or leaving. Let him be even more convinced that you're under his thumb.

In the meanwhile, if it is safe and the DV agency says this is a good thing to do, get together 'go bags' for yourself and the DC. These are small bags with a couple of days clothing, medications, enough cash for travel (petrol, train or bus fare) and important documents IF you can safely move them. Hide them or get them to your mum's. If you can't pack bags, see if you can 'stage' the clothing in a drawer where they'll be easy to grab and put in a bag, even a carrier bag.

Another vote for speaking to womens aid. I also think you shouldn't assume he won't do anything violent if you do try to leave, so please do all you can to keep yourself safe and listen to what womens aid suggest. I was married to a man like this and he became a lot more aggressive and became physically violent when he knew I was leaving. Good luck!

You need to speak to WA. This is very, very serious. Just because he’s not standing in a doorway swinging a meat cleaver, doesn’t make him safe.
He is dangerous. You have told him repeatedly you are not happy. That’s enough for you to end things.
Yes, he’s boxed you into a corner but with support, you can get out of it. All of that anger, and seeing their mother so worn down, will affect your children.
If you get proper support, and are able to leave with the children and have your own job, he can’t keep hiding what he earns and what assets there are.
Please, please call Women’s Aid. Your spirit is that low you don’t feel you deserved to be helped. You do.