Emotionally toxic relationship

[Woolly17]

Well exactly that. It's become increasingly toxic and controlling over the last few years. I had enough last year and started to make plans for an exit and he found out. It didn't go well so I stayed and we did therapy (we have small children) but things did not improve. We quit couples therapy as he felt the therapist was constantly having a go at him and wasn't criticising me enough. The therapist told him that he couldn't expect to view me as 'the problem' in the relationship and have me 'solve' myself - and that relationships were made up of co created dynamics (she didn't have a go at him - just told him that he needed to face up to his own behaviours).

Back in January I told him that I didn't see a future for us as a couple and had a bit of a meltdown about it all. He told me I needed therapy and that I would be better after that. Had another conversation about how our relationship is not working a few weeks ago and he once again said that I hadn't had enough therapy to actually make that decision.

I think it's over. He calls me names, belittles me, calls me stupid, useless and tells me I don't pull my weight. He tells me that there's no way my life would be easier with anyone else (there is no one else) and wants to know if I'm jealous of my (widowed - in her 40s) friend who has found love and is getting married (wtf?).

I am utterly financially dependent on him, I work for /with him and he tells me every day how bad I am at everything and how tired he is of carrying the family financially.

So have started to look for a job - and he is being less than supportive. Telling me I can't manage in the real world of work and that no one would put up with me the way he does (true I do make a lot of mistakes). Have recently found a short term temp job and am interviewing for others. He's not happy about that. asking if I'm coping and accusing me of not telling him enough. Unhappy that I haven't got him an introduction to the company I've been temping at for 2 days and asking that on my last day that I put in meetings for him at the temp company (wtf?).

I don't know how to get out without damaging everyone and everything. But given that my family is concerned about how much I've changed, and how quiet and timid I have become it feels as if staying will destroy me.

I'm not even sure there's a question here. Just a long rambling vent.

I have recently started seeing a therapist which has been weird and tough and all sorts of unsettling.
She keeps putting checklists Infront of me about emotional abuse and I am having such a hard time accepting that it's happening. Normally I think of myself as quite a rational person able to look at evidence and form a conclusion. Instead I think I might be gaslighting myself and can't bear to go further than toxic.

Why is this so painful?
I know I have to get out.

Because it strikes at the heart of who we are.
How we allow ourselves to be treated has so many roots - it can be childhood, friendship memories, previous relationships.
As women we have been conditioned to be nice and to please. We don’t want cause upset we’d rather rip
ourselves in half.
You get this one precious life.
Counsellors tend to stay impartial but I think our therapist here is probably very, very concerned. She can’t actually say ‘your husband is an abuser, leave him’ he/she will want you to get to that conclusion. But it’s very clear they will have real concerns.
You sound very bright and intelligent OP.
The stuff about mistakes made we want to weep. You’ve had all of this mental load, you are told you are rubbish, honestly it’s appalling.
Now you have another job this man wants to muscle in there, too.
Because he can’t cope with how capable you are, and wants to wrestle back control.
Talk to your family. Get some legal advice.
Facing up to the fact that you are being abused can be like admitting to a failure but it’s not.
A man who loves you respects you. He encourages and supports, is proud of your successes.
This man is steeped in jealousy and resentment. The only way he can keep you there is through fear and control.
So many women on here have been where you are now. You can get out.

He calls me names, belittles me, calls me stupid, useless and tells me I don't pull my weight.

If that's normal behaviour for you in a relationship, you won't recognise emotional abuse as you've never experienced a healthy relationship.

It might help to do the Freedom Programme so you can learn about healthy behaviour in a relationship.

@Woolly17 how are you today, have you made any decisions to contact WA? You can contact them on line.

Hi
Sorry for the long silence. There's quite a bit going on.

I haven't been in touch with WA - not quite ready to deal with that.

However I'm still going to therapy. Which is good but tough - I think I've spent an insane amount of effort over the years in creating a narrative that makes everything OK. It's taking effort and time to readjust and come to terms with reality and unravel the complicated web I've built.

I have plenty of problems that are unrelated to the relationship problems that I need to somehow resolve.

One of these is that I have no real source of income. I am doing interviews and have been filling time with temp work.

The other main one I have also built up some debts that need to be sorted out - the husband knows about these (he went through my post this week) and claims we are facing financial armageddon (we aren't). I am going to take some financial advice over the next couple of weeks to work out how best to resolve this - without H's 'help'.

I have tried to talk about ending the relationship but he's not really listening, and has insisted that with enough therapy I will be fixed. According to him my dissatisfaction could be due to my perimenopause symptoms (I'm on HRT) or my bad and unmanaged mental health (I have been on medication for almost a decade now and have seen counsellors intermittently to deal with anxiety). Though perhaps the terrible mental health could be due to the terrible relationship.

Still here. Still breathing. Just trying to get to a point where the light at the end of the tunnel isn't just showing me more tunnel.

i suspect a lot of your "mental health difficulties" will miraculously disappear if/when you manage to escape from this situation.

you'll be amazed about what you're capable of when you haven't got someone whispering constant negativity in your ear.

Trying to get ducks and other birds in a row. I am going to try to get time with a lawyer at the end of the month.

Let me know if I've missed anything obvious:
I've got access to financial info (bank/mortgage/company finance)
I've got copies or originals of important documents (marriage cert/birth certs etc)

The National Debtline are really good re your debts.

Your husband is obviously delighted you're going to therapy because according to him, you're the problem.

You need to stop treating him as though he's on your side, he's not. People who love you don't belittle you, undermine you and make out you're mentally ill when you complain.

I would stop discussing things with him as he's never going to change or see your side. He's just going to keep blaming you for everything.

Mature, non abusive people take responsibility for their behaviour. Abusive people blame everyone but themselves.

Have a chat with Refuge. Their online chat is available until 10 pm and you're anonymous. They won't have your details. They will help clarify things for you.

Looking for a job is a great move, as is getting therapy. I would also look into training if you've been out of work for a while.

Thanks :-)
My lovely therapist tells me that she is trying to ensure I feel validated during our sessions and has me working on praising myself (I feel like such a pretentious idiot).
But hey ho if he's not going to toot my horn I guess I have to.

Just wait till he's out of the house and leave to a family member's home with the kids?

You're scared of him. He's a bully, and a controlling arsehole. He is absolutely deserving of a life without a partner.

It's great you've got some work. Keep on looking for something more permanent and make sure you're on all the benefits you're entitled to.

Obviously you probably need legal advice. Your husband has obligations financially towards you and the kids he can't shirk in divorce.

Be strong. Take away his power over you and be in charge of your own destiny. You can do this. You won't regret it. X

Seconded re the National Debtline - it might seem scary confronting your debt but they're hugely non-judgmental and might be able to find a way to help you manage things and get back on track. Don't let the debt stop you from living your life!

I'm going to look into this today. Thank you @Maitri108 and @kellygoeswest

He rarely leaves the house for any length of time. And I am not bringing a heap of trouble to my mum's door if I can help it.

He's oscillating between being very very nice and very very snide. Oh and of course the odd accusation of not caring for or loving our children 😳
Which is so insanely and obviously untrue that I just can't - I just can't. I mean I can obviously point out the 100 things I do every day to keep them clothed, fed, comfortable etc. Only I realise that's not the point in his scattergun approach to knocking me down.

National Debtline

@Woolly17

Therapy is rather like having a baby. You go in carrying a heavy load. Then there is a good deal of pain whilst you're 'in labour', working through what you need to examine and 'pack away'. But just when you think you can't stand the pain anymore, you bring forth the best gift you've ever given yourself. Not a baby, but a free and clear mind.

It took me about 18 months to really work through and pack away the crap that was holding me back, but about halfway through I was already so much 'freer'. Just keep persevering and remember to congratulate yourself on every victory, no matter how small.

Listen, please STOP talking to him about the marriage and especially about separating. Surprise is your 'secret weapon'. You want those assorted birds in a row and a clear plan for leaving before you tell him anything. Let him believe that you're being a 'good little girl' and working hard at 'fixing yourself' the way HE wants you fixed. You don't want him making 'counter plans', especially if you're going to need a financial settlement to get you started on your new life. If a man truly suspects that his victim wife is planning to leave, the first thing they do is start fiddling the finances and hiding assets.

Leaving can be a very vulnerable and dangerous time to leave an abusive relationship. I really encourage you to get in touch with Wonens Aid first and get an IDVA

If you have these documents, get them out of the house to somewhere safe. (Same with other precious things). And email yourself (or Mum/Sister) copies of everything you can.

For goodness sake contact Woman’s Aid ASAP They have experience in helping people like you and contacts. Can help with lawyers, financial advice, how to get out with kids advice. Everyone else has given you great advice but you can leave with nothing if situation is dangerous and there are people who will help even police and get you to a safe house. You are brave enough 💪🏻

Just an update:

So I am still here and have got a job. It's just temporary but it feels madly liberating. Still seeing the therapist. And starting to tackle the debt situation.

Still in the same house as the Husband. We are seeing a new couples counsellor - and Husband is not happy as he feels 'attacked'. I.e. The counselor doesn't take his side. Therefore he is looking for a new counsellor - who will agree with him.

Things are still tense but I will finally have enough money to see a lawyer at the end of the month.

If I'm being honest with myself I know that this situation I've got myself into is going to take a while to resolve. I'm ok with that - and I know I have some avenues of support if I need them. I'm looking for a permanent job and have some leads and interviews.

@Woolly17

Progress!!! Good for you!

Yes, keep on 'stealthing'. If he wants to see a new counselor, fine whatever. You know the truth. Play for time. Remember slow and steady wins the race.

You have so got this!!

Well done on the job! I know it can't be easy with everything else you're dealing with, but you should feel really proud. How are you feeling?

Once you and your DC are safely away from him you will start to see things very clearly, he gaslights you to distort the truth. He has to make you doubt reality to get control over you and feel powerful. He will be like that to any woman he meets too, not in the beginning but eventually they will be feeling just as bad as you do because he has to chip away at their self esteem, make them believe everything is their fault and be his emotional punch bag.
Don’t try to talk to him about splitting up, try to act as you usually do with him. Think of it as playing a role to keep the peace and then once he goes out call a taxi to go to your mum’s house. She is very aware of how unhappy you are even though you try to hide it, she sees through him. Do not be scared to call the police if he kicks off when you’re at your mum’s because you need as much evidence to get a non molest order in place. It will stop him from intimidating and harassing you.

Whatever he has told you about yourself isn’t the truth, to gain control, an abuser has to destroy your self esteem, confidence and get you reliant on them. Then they grind you into dust, abusers don’t love, they are not capable of loving, they try to destroy lovely people. You are worth 1000 of him, he is toxic and you are a shining light he feels he has to break. Be strong x