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Original poster

Another, I found condoms one

38 replies

missminimum · 26/03/2025 12:28

I have recently found out my DH has been lying to me about a variety of things. I have not confronted him yet as trying to make sure I am prepared with the right evidence and understand better what I have found out.
One of these things, is a bag, containing a variety of condoms, as well as lube, dental dams and plastic gloves. I am post menopausal and we have not used condoms for 10 years, never used lube or dental dams ( apologies tfi).
Most of the expiry dates on the items are 2026 or 2027, so he can't say they were left from when we used them.
He has a lot of explaining to do and I need to better understand in what situations this stuff is used. This stuff would indicate he is taking precautions around STIs, so I can only assume, it could be an affair, but he could be engaging with sex with strangers, either male or female?
I am rather naive so feel I need educating to help me be able to handle this conversation with him to my advantage
thanks

OP posts:
Lifeistestingme · 26/03/2025 12:35

See if it were me, I'd have to just ask. I'm not the type of person to bottle things up, not say anything and wait for more evidence to crop up. If I wanted to be a private investigator, I would. But I wouldn't have the energy or the patience, so I'd simply confront him with what I've found and wait for his explanation. Unfortunately, it seems like he is having an affair and he isn't even trying to hide it!

Original poster
missminimum · 26/03/2025 12:43

I am waiting for a time we have some privacy as trying not to make DD aware and feel I have a good understanding of the activities he has been up to, so he can't fob me off with an excuse

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 26/03/2025 13:08

Could also potentially be using sex workers. Whoever he’s using this stuff with, it’s a horrible way to find out, and there’s no other possible explanation or reason for him to have it.

Sorry, OP, it’s really shit and is likely going to get quite a lot shittier, so I hope you have a good support network and people you can talk to IRL.

Endofyear · 26/03/2025 13:10

Well it sounds like he's engaging in sexual activities with someone 😳 I would just show him what you've found and ask for an explanation. He's unlikely to be fully truthful but he's not going to be able to provide an innocent reason for possession of those items, is he?!

BountifulPantry · 26/03/2025 13:13

Go for a sexual health screening asap!

LuckyManifestations · 26/03/2025 13:17

That is the kind of kit you might take to a swingers club.
The gloves would suggest to me gay or fetish activities.

So sorry op Sad

Isthiswhatmenthink · 26/03/2025 13:22

Utterly revolting. I’d assume prostitutes.

You’re surely not planning on staying with him after this, so just confront him. Your marriage is over. You don’t need hard and fast ‘evidence’.

Original poster
missminimum · 26/03/2025 13:30

LuckyManifestations · 26/03/2025 13:17

That is the kind of kit you might take to a swingers club.
The gloves would suggest to me gay or fetish activities.

So sorry op Sad

Yes, that is what I am suspecting, based on some of the other information I have found out. Thanks Lucky

OP posts:
Original poster
missminimum · 26/03/2025 13:33

Isthiswhatmenthink · 26/03/2025 13:22

Utterly revolting. I’d assume prostitutes.

You’re surely not planning on staying with him after this, so just confront him. Your marriage is over. You don’t need hard and fast ‘evidence’.

Not planning to stay with him but just want to understand what he has been up to and what activities it looks like he has been up to, so can ensure I have appropriate responses to his excuses. Thank you

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 26/03/2025 13:36

What other information have you found out?

Init4thecatz · 26/03/2025 13:39

If you don't fancy confronting him just yet, take a log of everything there, with expiry dates etc, and check on it in a month.

100% he's cheating, or at least considering it, as you MIGHT be able to justify away the condoms with a 'posh wank' (but this really isn't a thing), but a dental dam tells you it involves someone else.

Original poster
missminimum · 26/03/2025 13:43

OchreRaven · 26/03/2025 13:36

What other information have you found out?

Membership card to an erotic naked nightclub

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 26/03/2025 13:46

The gloves for me seems fetishy...I really dont know what but nothing reasonable.
The dental dams obviously he's going down on women who he doesn't think are clean of STDs. Or I think they could be used for rimming, so men potentially also.
Condoms well we know what those are for.

So yeah it's all there in sparkling clear evidence he's doing the dirty in a very calculating way.

ginasevern · 26/03/2025 13:50

He will either lie through his teeth, grovel and beg forgiveness or get nasty and blame you 100%. Either way don't listen to a fucking word he's got to say. You know what you need to do OP.

Starlight1984 · 26/03/2025 14:05

Is it just me that doesn't know what a dental dam is (I'm on my work laptop so not going to google it in case it's bad!). I thought it was like a retainer??? No?!

Original poster
missminimum · 26/03/2025 14:06

I did not know myself, when I found them I needed to Google it, so don't advise you do on a work computer

OP posts:
TY78910 · 26/03/2025 14:10

Starlight1984 · 26/03/2025 14:05

Is it just me that doesn't know what a dental dam is (I'm on my work laptop so not going to google it in case it's bad!). I thought it was like a retainer??? No?!

I just had to google it! Didn’t know this type of contraption even existed.

OP, this is all very calculated. It’s no ‘one time slip up’. He’s gone in to a lot of effort to make up a bag of goodies. Where did you find it?! I wonder if he’s left it for you to see in a cowardly attempt to break out of the marriage.

Either way, you do not deserve this. Beyond awful. I don’t think you really need an explanation, nothing he will say will change what’s happened / is happening. To echo PP, you know what you need to do.

Plumedenom · 26/03/2025 14:13

Definitely not a regular affair. Or maybe an affair with someone who he takes to a swingers club. The card will be a membership card for entry. As a single man going into these places, he will get little to no action. That's what makes me think he is maybe taking a girlfriend there if he thinks it's worth taking all this kit. The gloves is the worst because no one simply touches someone with gloves so it's for something much worse. don't assume the condoms mean he is free of sexual diseases. Go get a full check up asap anyway.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/03/2025 14:21

@missminimum have you thought about perhaps removing everything and letting him notice that it has gone??? see his reaction????

Original poster
missminimum · 26/03/2025 14:22

It is going to be hard knowing what to say to our adult children and my elderly mother about my reasons for leaving him, that is what I am dreading most

OP posts:
Plumedenom · 26/03/2025 14:27

It's not your shame, it's his. And you don't have to tell them what you found. You can say you found out he was sleeping around with other people and if they want more details then to ask him about it because it's too upsetting for you. Which is true.

GrumpyInsomniac · 26/03/2025 14:28

missminimum · 26/03/2025 14:22

It is going to be hard knowing what to say to our adult children and my elderly mother about my reasons for leaving him, that is what I am dreading most

I think you just have to keep it simple and factual. You found evidence of his infidelity and dishonesty and it was too much of a breach of trust for you to stay with him while he placed his and your health at risk in that way.

That may feel harsh, but at the same time telling people you’ve grown apart or whatever just leads to them suggesting you can work on the marriage together, which isn’t helpful. You deserve their support, not their judgement on whether you tried hard enough to stay married.

MissDoubleU · 26/03/2025 14:31

Plumedenom · 26/03/2025 14:27

It's not your shame, it's his. And you don't have to tell them what you found. You can say you found out he was sleeping around with other people and if they want more details then to ask him about it because it's too upsetting for you. Which is true.

Just about to say the same. It’s all his shame. All of it. You have no reason to protect him because he sure hasn’t been protecting you.

none of his actions are a reflection on you. It’s all him.

Reddog1 · 26/03/2025 14:32

You don’t have to tell your mother and children what has happened in any depth. “Infidelity” suffices, along with, “I don’t want to go into loads of detail but sadly I have to tell you that it’s not salvageable”.

It doesn’t sound like an affair as in a “girlfriend”. It sounds like meaningless sex with women or men who are paid, or members of that club. This does NOT make it ok but it does mean that you and the DCs won’t have a new partner of his to deal with if you decide to end things.

SCWS · 26/03/2025 14:35

missminimum · 26/03/2025 13:43

Membership card to an erotic naked nightclub

Show quote history

I think you should have included that in your OP, as this makes it obvious what he’s been up to