Another, I found condoms one

[missminimum]

I have recently found out my DH has been lying to me about a variety of things. I have not confronted him yet as trying to make sure I am prepared with the right evidence and understand better what I have found out.
One of these things, is a bag, containing a variety of condoms, as well as lube, dental dams and plastic gloves. I am post menopausal and we have not used condoms for 10 years, never used lube or dental dams ( apologies tfi).
Most of the expiry dates on the items are 2026 or 2027, so he can't say they were left from when we used them.
He has a lot of explaining to do and I need to better understand in what situations this stuff is used. This stuff would indicate he is taking precautions around STIs, so I can only assume, it could be an affair, but he could be engaging with sex with strangers, either male or female?
I am rather naive so feel I need educating to help me be able to handle this conversation with him to my advantage
thanks

You really don’t need to go in to any detail. And don’t feel like you need to justify your decision at length. As it was said upthread, infidelity is enough, it’s his mess to explain not yours.

He was having an affair and then leave him to do the explaining!

Ugh you poor thing, what a horrible shock for you.

I would be going through bank accounts as someone with a secret life will often be secretive with money, too.

Whatever he's up to, I think it involves men. I also think it's been going on a long time. I really doubt he left it there for you to find. It's more likely he enjoyed the secrecy of a double life. I would get all of my finances sorted before talking to him.

In this situation always remember DARVO, where the person accused will:

Deny
Attack - verbally, I mean
Reverse Victim and Offender

Basically he'll deny it before telling you it was all your fault.

He will be using a separate bank account for any of these activities, I have checked our joint one and nothing suspicious visible.

Thanks for everyone's advice. How do I sort my finances out? We are married, everything I have he is entitled to half I would have thought?

You could ask on the Divorce board but I think 50:50 is a starting point. Other stuff like one parent taking time out to raise joint children and therefore having a more modest pension, is taken into account. I’ve seen comments about inheritance being taken out of the equation as a non-matrimonial asset but I’m not sure - my area is accountancy not law. Your solicitor will give you the best advice when in possession of the facts.

Before you confront him, it’s ducks in a row time. You need to go on a fact-finding mission:

• What savings and investments do you both have? What is their current value?
• Could he have other bank accounts? Do some digging, look for evidence of existence even if you can’t gain access.
• What is the current value of his pension?
• Mortgage statement.
• Run a credit check - you need to know if anything has been taken out in your name.
• Look for evidence of loans, credit cards, other debt liabilities.
• For all of the above get statements or screenshots of current value in case he starts moving money around. Remember, this man is not trustworthy.

Anyone think of anything I’ve forgotten?

That will be it.

Sex workers would provide all that.

My homosexual male friend keeps gloves with dental dams and lube in a bag in his bathroom, so I’m guessing he’s seeing men?

How awful for you. I’m so sorry. Does he have form for anything like this?

and like others, I had never heard of a dental dam before. WTF.

Thanks @fluffyblanky, I am in total shock, he does not have form for this, but also I don't know now what he may have been up to in the past. It all feels so unreal I am struggling to believe it. He does not know I know yet and is behaving as if he is ideal husband. Just worried about when to tell him in order to ensure it is handled calmly when our DCs are told, not sure what to do and how to handle it. There will be so much upset and fall out

@missminimum how are you holding it together!! I would have flipped the lid by now. I admire your strength while you work out your next steps.

find the right time and confront him asap. theres no smoke without fire though hes deffo being dodgy. I would be screaming my house down if i found that in my house. He better explain himself cos he’s a dirty chappy