Marriage finished? Please be kind

[ByLemonFish]

We're in our 60s, together 10 years, married 9. Been so happy until a year ago when DH had fall out with his family and I stupidly stood up for him by texting his sister explaining politely what he could and couldn't do with regard to caring for their DM. He blocked his family from calling him and on all social media. His choice, nothing whatsoever to do with me. Of course his elderly DM blamed me and accused me of never wanting to be part of the family (totally untrue). Anyway I took a step back and after a few months they apparently all became "friends" again, while I was still the wicked witch of the west.
Over the months our relationship became more strained, including DV. He told me to leave more than once, house is solely in his name. Just before Christmas I calmly asked him what was wrong and his reply was " the love has died" due to all the arguments, the fact none of his family and friends have visited for 2 years ( they never did just call in and if invited wouldn't take a drink and would leave as soon as possible).
My family live a plane ride away and are very different people, always make DH welcome, if they lived here would call in uninvited etc etc
I was devastated. Went for a long walk. Few days later we talked about me retuning to live nearer my family but financially that would be difficult.

Christmas was dead. Presents were exchanged, we visited his DM and his Dsis appeared full of false Christmas cheer on her way to church (oh the hypocrite). Dinner was eating. I went to bed early on NYE, don't think he even noticed how heartbroken I was.
After Christmas we talked again, he said he didn't mean what he said about "the love has died" apparently people just say things!!!! Must admit over last 10 years I've noticed his family do say some awful things then just move on. I find this strange. AIBU???
Fast forward, he's now on anti depressants and having counselling. Says he wants us to work through this.
BUT this week I've tried to organise a few days away and he's making every excuse not to go, same when I mention going to gigs, theatre, cinema (which we used to do regularly). Quite often when I'm telling him something I catch him rolling his eyes or he's just not listening.
We were unbelievably happy up until this time last year, I find myself crying every day. Shall I just book holidays, theatre trips etc alone? Life is too short

That sounds really awful for you.
I’m sorry to say it but I think you’d be better off on your own. It really doesn’t seem like you’re getting much if anything positive from the relationship.
If you really want to stay in it, maybe couples counselling? It might help to get an objective perspective on things and to see how committed he actually is to working things out.
Is it at all possible that he married you with certain presumed expectations, like that you would be willing to provide care for ageing relatives, and when it became clear that you’re not, it caused his behaviour towards you to change?

Joint counselling can't happen with an abuser and his victim.

Was the domestic violence reported to the police? Enjoy a happy future free of the violent man.

Over the months our relationship became more strained, including DV
You're in a vulnerable position OP.
Estranged from your partner's family and blamed for the fallout. Your own family are not nearby.
You live insecurely in a home you don't own. Although if you are married you still have a financial stake - do you know if he has written a will?
And you casually toss in DV.
What's the reason you want to stay? It does sound like the relationship is breaking down.

Oh dear, I’m so sorry I have problems with concentration and my eyes skipped over the mention of dv. You need to leave him op, he’s abusive.

I did call the police once and he was arrested but I (stupidly) wouldn't make a statement because he would have lost his job and the house. This was before his family falling out. One of his reasons for us to end is he's worried that our arguments get so nasty.

Financially I can't afford to set up on my own.

We have both written wills and the house will be mine if he died first

I don't think he expected me to care for his elderly DM but I've only visited twice in the last year so that may be annoying him.

I've looked into council over 55s accommodation nearer my family but cry at the thought of it

I think u should suggest to him some space apart. His response is your answer. Offer to leave for a while. See what he says.
He needs to know you’re not afraid to go.

I'm thinking of taking myself off for a holiday next week

I would leave. I would see a lawyer about what you’re entitled to in a divorce and I’d start looking for alternative accommodation.

Isn't she entitled to half the house if they are married? I know a woman who split up with her husband but didn't divorce him. She inherited a property and moved in, then felt sorry for him and allowed him to move into this house, then when she said she wanted a divorce he took her for half the house that was left solely to her.

I would have thought she’d be entitled to marital assess if she’s married yes.

Of course divorce and letting go is sad. Would you not expect to cry over it? But how do you want your next years to play out - taking steps to find happiness again, or be miserable with this ‘dear’ who has abused you in various ways, physical, mental, you name it?

Take the holiday it will give you a bit of space to think and a break from the atmosphere at home
Refresh and when you return take steps to find out your position re: divorce.
Doing things you want to do solo will move you into some independence which will help with the fear of the future. Hugs

Thank you so much for your kindness
I'm feeling very down this evening
Too old for this

Please you are not too old ...I'm 63 and had to restart over the last 5 years. My life is happy and full of fun and freedom with Peace and quiet now. It's not where I expected to be at this time in life but I've learned a lot about myself, grown as a person and built a life I enjoy. You can do the same just take one step the rest will follow. Hugs

Thank you. I'm retiring from work on Friday
At the moment I just can't think straight, I'm heartbroken
I think I'll have a few days away and give myself time to think

I know it’s too late to change now but why did you rush so quickly into getting married in your 50’s? And how well did you really know him?

Even taking the DV out of the equation, do you really want so much drama in your life at retirement age?

DV!!! No you certainly can't stay in this poisonous family.
Get that divorce rolling. I'm 63 and had to start again a few years ago. I'm happy now on my own.
Talk to a solicitor about your rights.

Are you asking a) to stay but emotionally check out or b) if you should leave properly?

Will retiring mean more time in the house with him? That might force your hand as it will be unbearable

He was a very different person then but strangely his first wife was an alcoholic and he got custody of the children back in the early 90s, now I'm beginning to wonder why she was so depressed she turned to vodka
Then his other long term partner went off with another man
Guess I've been a bit stupid

He will continue work full time

I think i need to leave. Just making plans to stay with my cousin for a week or so then I really need to make plans to leave

Thank you xxx

I became very distressed yesterday evening, cried for what seemed like forever
He appeared genuinely concerned. Wanted to talk I told him frankly what I feel about his family especially his DM. That their behaviour is unacceptable.
I had a difficult childhood, my own (D)M is a narcissist, was sectioned before I was born, I went NC a few years ago but emotionally I know I'm incredibly damaged. I've had psychiatric help/counselling etc (not sure any of it really helped) but anyway he said I need to leave the past behind ( if only)

So he wants to try again but I'm not sure I do or can

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this position OP.
If it wasn’t for the financial aspect, would you stay with him do you think?