Does your partner ignore you when your ill??

[LoveChristmas1234]

In the title really, but I'm coming close to ending my 20 year relationship due to many reasons but this has really annoyed me and made me feel shit. I don't get ill often and do almost everything in house and with my 2 kids, but this past week I've had 2 days off work, I work Full time and still done school drops, cooking, cleaning etc whilst being ill.

This Sunday I actually crumbled, didn't want to get up was that ill with flu but had to get daughters milk, then make breakfast. He didn't help get her dressed, he took the other child football practice but that was a first, he got himself a takeaway and ate in car, came in after leaving child with me half the day, didn't even ask me if im OK, if I wanted a drink nothing, I wemt upstairs to lie down child follows me as he can't amuse her at all, so I'm trying to rest with a toddler jumping around my head when I'm suffering so badly with flu! He shouts her down at 5 he'd made himself and her pasta, he then sends her back upstairs to me, doesn't ask me if I want any food or drink or lemsip. I'm literally in bed feeling awful until my teenager comes in and says mum you sound awful do you want any food or drink! My partner didn't speak to me all day, just ignored me then text me at 3 today saying "are you better now"?

Does anyone else's partner do this? Is this normal? Or am I right in feeling he is such a pathetic pig and should be done with him! Im getting my ducks in a row.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so ill.

No, you’re right - he’s a pathetic pig and you deserve so much better.

My husband would never treat me like that. I can promise you this is not normal. your partner is a disgusting pig and thank God you are making plans to leave him. What an utterly revolting specimen he is. I hope you feel better very soon x

Oh bless you OP. I'm also not well currently. My DH made dinner last night and didn't complain when I only ate a bit of it. He made me lemsips every time I was due one (without prompting). I sat on the sofa all day yesterday napping on and off. No complaints from him. I've also sat on the sofa today but I have managed to cook a roast.

He's also not moaned when I've wheezed and snored all night!

DD (17) has also been a star making me jugs of squash and making me lunch yesterday.

You deserve so much more.

What is the honest-to-God point of being married when you’re left like this when you’re sick?

LTB doesn’t even begin to cover it!

Get better and end it when you are recovered.
Imagine if you ended up with a serious illness some day and really need care. You won't see him for dust.

Is he the kind of man who is full on dying swan on his dressing gown of Doom to be waited on hand and foot as soon as he's got a sniffle?

I’m so sorry to hear you have the flu. It really is awful. I’ve only had it once and could barely function.

My husband is a normal human person when I’m ill. He takes over daily tasks that I might usually do, he cooks, makes sure I’m comfortable and resting and asks after me. He’s not extraordinary, these are things any empathetic person would do.

You're asking for the bare minimum and your partner sounds cruel.

You can do much, much better.

Yes, I would see this as a line crossed and be high tailing it out of there as soon as I'm well.

DH is good when I'm ill. I've close nursed him through life threatening stuff though.

Currently I'm waiting for orthopaedic surgery and he's very mindful and helpful with my additional needs, the poor basket.

It's the 'in sickness and in health bit'. He said it but didn't mean it so you can renege on the 'til death do us part' bit as far as I'm concerned. It's like falling at the first hurdle.

So many hopeless men that don't seem to develop into actual adults.

He leaves me to be ill but no he will cook (or throw money at take away) - feed everyone

Take kids to shops with a list of things everyone wants if need be.

He might gently ask "do you know where x is" or what do kids need for tomorrow, because that knowledge is largely in my head.

Take the kids out, bring drinks, medicine, tell me to only look on NHS website at symptoms.

Which is what I do for him. Isn't that just what you do when someone, anyone, even a flatmate is ill?

Basic decency OP

I think men that don't are those faulty ones that think care and nursing is woman's work.

Eating a takeaway in the car would just be to fucking weird for anyone of us in our family. Selfish greed? Nope can't really get this.

You need rid of this selfish piece of shit, you’d be better off alone!

My partner would never treat me like that because he cares about me.

I was really unwell recently and he did everything including checking on me regularly and hanging out with me when I couldn’t get out of bed.

No, this isn't OK. DH is patient, kind and thoughtful when I'm unwell (in fact he's far nicer than I am when he's ill!)

I've had a virus for the last week and he's been out to get my meds, cooked dinner every night, brought me tea and toast in bed etc.

OK, we don't have small children to wrangle as well, but honestly OP, what's the point of being with someone if they treat you with such contempt and lack of care?

I just couldn't love someone who wasn't kind OP.

It's one of the reasons I have a STBXH. He would take to his bed for the whole weekend with a sore throat but when I have been almost passing out ill I still did bath and bed because he went out.

He’s done less for you than I would for an acquaintance.

I hope you feel much better soon.

He sees your illness as an inconvenience. You’re essentially a broken domestic appliance to him. Get rid!

He’s a shit. What’s he like when he’s ill?

No. If my husband behaved like this he wouldn't still be my husband. Sorry, but your partner sounds like a selfish pig who doesn't care about you at all.

Yes mine absolutely rubbish. Have to spell out things. He cannot manage the kids at all. He would just have the miss activities, not do homework, eat from takeaway than try keep any of the balls in the air. Will say things as 'you're not the bad' etc or 'can't your mum help'. He is of absolutely no use either practically or emotionally.

Its really hard for you with a toddler. Have you any family nearby that could help? I hope you feel better soon

I’m not even in a great place with my DH 20+ years but he would never treat me like that. That’s not normal.

No, I mean he wouldn’t baby me and be up my bum trying to do stuff for me without me asking first. But he absolutely would take over everything he possibly could within reason until I was better.

I have cancer and have had lots of surgeries and going through a year of treatment now. He does everything with the kids and at home when I’m not feeling well, from getting them up to putting them to bed. I do like to do things as much as I can, so I’ve tried to keep everything normal as much as possible. And there have been days when I had no choice because he was away for work and I had to drag myself out of bed. But no, I’d say that’s not normal, my Dh does whatever needs doing so I can feel better. But you already know it’s not normal or you wouldn’t be looking to leave.

No this is not normal, by any standards. Your husband is a selfish arse. To not even check on you, ask if you need food/water/medication is just awful. To expect you to entertain a toddler, whilst unwell, and he's home, is not OK. You are his wife, the Mother of his children, the woman he's supposed to love! Yet he is completely indifferent and couldn't give a toss, that you are unwell. My husband is the complete opposite, he checks on me, is attentive, will just come and sit with me so I'm not on my own etc, which is exactly how a loving husband should behave!

Thank you for all your messages on this post! I've read them all and I'm so greatful you've all taken the time to respond.

I suppose I just feel deflated and vulnerable that I've ended up here in this position but that's enhanced because I'm feeling crap and unlovable.

It's over, I now need to plan on how im going to do it, but I know this is the icing on the cake for me.

For those that have asked what he is like when I'll, he's always ill, stays in bed all the time, coughs and spreads germs violently all over every one, asks like a baby and doesn't lift a finger and is usually nasty. I've no idea why I've stayed, I need therapy.

I’m sorry to hear this, OP, and I hope you feel better very soon.

My ex P, I can’t call him ex “D”P, didn’t even pop his head in the door once when I had Covid last November. I was in bed all day feeling rough. He thought I was staying in bed because I was sulking as he’d been rude to me the day before. I got taken into hospital four days later and he flew abroad two days after I was taken into hospital. I told him to go as he’d had this trip booked for a while but he clearly didn’t really care when he was away. We had two sessions of couples counselling once we had split up a few weeks ago to try and end things in a nicer way and some of the things he said just reinforced to me how selfish he was.

I’m sorry to make this about me but wanted you to know you’re not alone. I think I had normalised his selfish behaviour. It sounds like you are not prepared to put up with your DH’s selfish behaviour anymore which I think is admirable. I hope you feel better soon and yes, you definitely deserve better than this.

Oh and just to say that I went on a leadership course years ago with work and they talked about ‘moments of truth’ when you learn who someone really is. I’ve learnt that when I needed my ex because I was bereaved or because I was ill, for example, he was never there for me. Those are the times when you really need someone.

I went to a Christmas party and someone did a talk about her cancer treatment and she described her husband as her rock. I thought to myself that I could never describe my ex as my rock and that made me sad.

it’s not a good sign if someone can’t be kind or care for you enough to give basic needs. DP and I don’t live together but he does look out for me when I am ill. He likes to be left alone when he is ill. He leaves me alone, but always texts to ask how I am and will pop over with supplies if I need it. I can be needy when ill, and he likes to avoid germs. But he does make sure I have every I need. Just missing a cuddle. But I can live without that to just have someone take over for me.

I had Covid and he avoided contact but turned up with a takeaway and treats as a door step drop. My mum died and he drove 6 hours to get me to my family at night, no questions asked.

He’s punishing you for being ill bc it’s ’more work’ for him, glad you’re leaving.