Age gap thread? Now I'm curious!

[Mamofboys5972]

Just seen a thread about a huge age gap between DD and partner. The DD is 21 and the man she's dating is over 50. The comments seem pretty one sided towards the "that's gross" side.
I'm now interested in everyone's opinion on my recent family drama. My sister is 24 and started seeing a man she really likes, she thought he was 36, turns out he's 42, but she really likes him, they get on amazingly and the gap doesn't bother them! Our family are so torn and divided over this! One side are very much of the belief that he's a creep who's taking advantage of a child - some had a very violent, agressive reaction to this news. The other half are in the "it's her life, they're 2 consenting adults, we can't tell her what to do" club.
Who do you agree with more? Is the age gap too much?
Context - he has an 8 year old DD from previous relationship, never married, real genuine bloke by the looks of it. My sister has no kids and has had horrendous luck in relationships !

She’s not a child, and it’s hardly a huge age gap!

He's not taking advantage of a child! She's 24 ffs.

It’s a big gap and I expect it’ll only become more noticeable as time passes but frankly it’s no one else’s business and if she’s happy, that’s really all that matters. I’m a bit alarmed at you saying more than one of your relatives had a violent, aggressive response to hearing about your sisters relationship, that’s bizarre behaviour!

I think at 25ish, which your sister nearly is, then it’s two adults. I’d be a bit concerned if they are different life stages, and things like him retiring years before she can (if it lasts that long!) and her most likely being his carer before her peers, but that’s her choice. The age gap also gets wider the older you get!
A 21yr old is possibly only just out of education, that’s the difference…As well as the chap being 30plus years older.

Surely the issue is not the age gap...it's that he originally lied about his age?

Their relationship started out on a lie, and she comes from a dysfunctional (violent aggressive) family and is probably a bit vulnerable because of that, as evidenced by her “horrendous luck” in previous relationships, so yeah, I’d be quite concerned for her.

I am almost 30 and my partner is almost 40 (11 years). We've not had any major dramas around this from any one..he has children from previous. When I was very early 20s, I dated a man mid 40s, and this caused major drama within my family, especially my mother and sibling who thought this was very odd. I was very fond of him and we got on. I lived my life in a very 'my life, my choice' sort of way. Almost a decade later in retrospect - maybe not the best idea but I wasn't being taken advantage of in any way and I made those decisions as an adult and was living in a way that I was content with at that time. If it's right for her, you can only support her as anything else will push her away. If it isn't right, she will figure this out herself in time.

It is concerning that she 'thought' he was one age and then is in fact older though, I think that is the biggest red flag. Did he lie about his age? Why would he do that?

I'd be wanting to know why she thought he was 36 and if he lead her to believe that. If he lead her to believe he was 36 then I would be concerned about the early deception.

If not I'd be more inclined to think they are both consenting adults and let them get on with it.

18 years is quite a gap!

He lied about his age and he’s a bit gross chasing a 24 year old but it’s her lookout, she’s not a teenager any more.

Apologies, no he never lied about his age! She met him through a mutual friend who is 36, and my sister assumed they were old school pals and the same age. Innocent assumption/accident.

Our family is very toxic and their go to behaviour is violent, guilt trips and threatening unfortunately. My sister and I have been going to therapy and trying to deal with growing up like that. Agree with the comment saying she will be vulnerable due to this upbringing, 100% agree, which is what landed her in toxic relationships in the past. But she said this is the first time she's ever felt safe, accepted, comfortable etc. Our family are CONTROLLING to the nth degree. She is trying to get out from under it all, but obviously they've had this reaction to her news so 😕 they still treat her like a child and have zero respect for any of us if truth be told.

OK. Then I retract my comment about his “lying” about his age.

It’s still a significant gap but it sounds as if she is seeking a safe route away from her toxic family, which a 24 year old partner probably wouldn’t be in a position to offer.

I just wonder about the mentality of a middle aged man who goes for a woman of 24. Hopefully he’s decent and it’s not another poor choice on her part. Good luck to her.

24 isn’t a child. But there’s a difference in maturity levels between a 24 yr old and a 42 yr old.

I dated a man who was 44 when I was 23. He was nice and charming at first but became apathetic about the relationship as time went on. This messed with my young head and caused me a lot of anxiety. If I was dating now, in my 40s, I’m like to think I had the confidence to break off with a loser rather than stringing things out for the sake of being in a relationship.

There is also the long term to consider. It’s one thing dating 42 year old at 24, quite another dating a 60 year old when she’s 42.

I think the problem with an age gap of 24 and 42 is simply being in very different life stages. I’m 44. At 42, you are thinking about mortgages and pensions and what travel you’ll do when your dc fly the nest in a few more years, and taking on more senior responsibilities with work, possibly also having ageing parents to look after.

At 24, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life or where I wanted to live (I live in a totally different country now, in fact). I was renting with housemates, partying, backpacking, not even thinking about kids but hoping to have them in maybe 10 years, 4 years away from starting a 6 year postgraduate programme, no health worries, no ageing parents, no financial pressures, etc.

42 year old me definitely would not have wanted to date 24 year old me. And most 48 year olds will not want to start over with babies and a new family when she hits 30 and the clock starts ticking.

That said, Dh and I have an age gap. I was 27 and he was 21 when we started dating (he was still in uni 😂). The difference was I was a fairly free spirited 27 year old, backpacking, still figuring out what I wanted to do in life, no ties to anywhere, and he was an unusually mature 21 year old. We were probably the right maturity level for each other. At 29 when I was like, right, time for marriage and babies next year, he was ready and keen at 23, so we got married the next year and started a family. It’s been 17 years and it’s been very happy, but it’s because we were so well suited to each other and not in such hugely different life stages.

These are the exact things I've been discussing with her too. Especially about him becoming a dad all over again in his late 40s, he is 90% sure he doesn't want anymore. Whereas my sister (a mature 24, high up in management in an office), knows she wants kids before 30 !
I hope she can figure this one out, I think she's developed feelings before knowing his real age and that's complicated matters. It's her choice though, just hope it doesn't end it heartache. Or more family issues!
Congrats on 17 years with your husband! My wife and I are very similar, I was 21 and she was 28, but we matched maturity levels 😄

She's not a child! That's ridiculous.

I think another problem is that the gap widens. An 18 year age gap doesn’t seem that big when you’re 24 and 42. You probably have similar lifestyles and energy levels but the difference between a 50 year old woman and a 68 year old man can be stark. And there is little chance of an exciting, active retirement together because by the time your sister is 60, her husband would be 78. Perhaps this man will remain fit, virile and interested in the same things as her well into his 70s, perhaps they’ll be sufficiently financially secure that she can retire at 45 but what are the chances realistically?
My friends with older partners benefitted in some ways in their 30s with additional security but now feel like they spend their days telling the grumpy old men they live with what time they will be back. They’d like to go hiking and exploring in a few years but fear they’re about to feel more like careers than partners.

NC’d as it could be outing.

I’m 28 and DH is 56. It works well for us but it’s about us as people as opposed to our ages. FWIW, I am the one going to bed at 10pm and have ‘older’ tastes in music than DH. We’ve been together for 4 years.

Mmm it does sound as though it's not great in terms of them being (unsurprisingly) at very different life stages. If he knows he doesn't want more children in his late 40s ( very sensible) then you would kind of expect him to feel a bit uncomfortable with the situation. And even if he isn't knowingly exploiting her, he may be benefiting from her being drawn to a stable, kind, reliable man.

Even without the age gap I would caution against starting a family with a man who already has kids, only on the basis that the two friends of mine who did this were both single parents before their kids were two.

However if she is not in a rush to settle down and is pretty sure this is for now and not for keeps, I'd be less worried (though Id also want to think they were roughly on the same page for both their sakes)

Yikes sorry did not intend to quote the op -especially as I was responding to a later post anyway 🤦🤦😳

Just under 14 years between me and DH and no issues. We met when I was 23. He already had two children, we have four together. I disagree with the poster who says the gap feels bigger as you get older, I have found the opposite.
Interestingly, my husband’s parents had a 21 year age gap. They had their first child when he was 48 and she was 27. They went on to have 8 in total!

There's 17 years between my DH and I. He turns 50 this year.

The age gap hasn't been a problem at all, but I must admit that this is the first year I have started worrying about the future.

There's many things to consider, not just about being more active than an older parter, there's financial implications too.

You want to make sure they have sorted their pension and depending on what country you are in, the government will take both partners finances into account with care home fees.

So if we go back to my home country of NZ, any savings I have will also be taken into account in assessment and will be used to support him until we reach the threshold. This means my own retirement funds are impacted and our money drained if he needs care. I will then need to build things back up for myself.

I have also noticed that I feel older than my friends who have partners their own age. I have to be very careful not to forget that I'm not also middle aged lol.

I know that sounds a bit silly, but the age gap is definitely feeling bigger with each year that passes.

there will always be those for whom age gaps work, but for the vast majority, it doesn’t. I was in an age gap relationship and issues emerged in all sorts of unexpected ways. I would caution her to take things very slowly. Many men, altho not all, who go after women at such different life stages are deep down looking for someone malleable and naive instead of for an equal.

Nearly 20 years is a massive age gap

It's nice to hear success stories for big age gaps!