Age gap thread? Now I'm curious!

[Mamofboys5972]

Just seen a thread about a huge age gap between DD and partner. The DD is 21 and the man she's dating is over 50. The comments seem pretty one sided towards the "that's gross" side.
I'm now interested in everyone's opinion on my recent family drama. My sister is 24 and started seeing a man she really likes, she thought he was 36, turns out he's 42, but she really likes him, they get on amazingly and the gap doesn't bother them! Our family are so torn and divided over this! One side are very much of the belief that he's a creep who's taking advantage of a child - some had a very violent, agressive reaction to this news. The other half are in the "it's her life, they're 2 consenting adults, we can't tell her what to do" club.
Who do you agree with more? Is the age gap too much?
Context - he has an 8 year old DD from previous relationship, never married, real genuine bloke by the looks of it. My sister has no kids and has had horrendous luck in relationships !

Of course 18 years is a big age gap, particularly as she's only 24.

Of course 18 years is a big age gap, particularly as she's only 24.

For me the 'gross' factor depends on reasons behind the relationship. Older guys often go for younger women for superficial reasons (eg trophy wives) but also because the girls/women can be more naive and pliant, especially around an older male. That sort of dominance of the relationship is gross and not healthy.

However, I don't have any issues with a mutually respectful relationship where both people genuinely seem to enjoy the company of the younger one and it's not the stereotype of one person leering at the other who is just there for the money and lifestyle.

So people's first reaction is he lied?

I understand completely why people say about the age gap widening as people age but this isn't always as simple as that. I'm now 48 and DH is 73. Most people who are saying this are not speaking from experience....just what they think will happen.

We are absolute best friends, get on like a house on fire and love each other to bits.

Yes I will become his carer of that I'm pretty certain but my dad will become my mum's carer and there's 12 months between them.

I love my husband and would WANT to care for him anyway. We take each day at a time, we run our business together, have fun, good sex etc etc. I don't ever even think about the age difference. We just get on so well.

The biggest thing for me is that chances are he will go long before me and of course that makes me feel terribly sad. However that can also sadly happen with no age gap.

I'd never have not wanted to be with him or any consideration even given over his age. I absolutely love him and that is it. This is the best life I've ever had. I look at him and I see my husband. I see the man that makes me laugh and loves me totally. I see his kindness and his dopiness and all sorts of things in-between. I just see this person that I adore. And that's it. We've never even discussed it. The only thing I'd change is I wish I'd met him sooner.

We met another couple with the same age gap as us last year through our work. They were both older than us though. He was absolutely chuffed to bits to come across someone else like them, as his whole family had stopped talking to him over it. It was clear they absolutely loved each other.

It doesn't seem like a great prospect for happiness to me if she wants kids and he's 90% sure he doesn't want more. That's a massive incompatibility. She shouldn't go into it hoping he'll change his mind.

Also a future of becoming a stepmum to his children at 24 is a big ask and not what I'd want for my sister or daughter, really. Blending families is hard, and I'd also be worried he's looking for a wifey to take the strain of childcare and housework off him.

Also, as she's coming from a dysfunctional controlling family, I'd be concerned that's part of the attraction for him. In case he's one of those older guys that likes a young vulnerable woman because he can control her, under the guise of offering the security, protection and escape she's lacking. Frying pan to fire.

I think he probably represents to her what she hasn't had growing up, but yeah, I'd be worried that it'll be no different.

This is beautiful! Congrats on such a happy marriage. And you are right about life being too short, we don't know what's around the corner, there was only a few years age gap between my aunty and uncle, but she got made a widow at 45 :( no one knows what will happen!

Happy for you both :)

Yeah she is hoping he will change his mind which is my concern, I don't want her to get to 30 and realise she is running out of time!

She has discussed becoming a stepmother etc, but he doesn't mix my sister in with that world yet at all. She cannot see him on weekends because he has his DD, he seems a devoted dad who prioritises family. Which, will definitely be contributing to my sisters feelings for him, we never had that! I'm just worried they're caught up in feelings and it's going to end badly, whether in a few weeks or years 😕 she is adamant she wants to have a baby

Ultimately you can't make others do anything as it's their own life. But she is going to be 30 and not have achieved her goal of having another baby if she stays with this partner, as he's been very clear he doesn't want them! It's a bit like Monica and Richard from friends, they were always perfect for each other but what they Ultimately wanted from life was different.

If she was my sister I'd probably be saying "he doesn't want more kids. Fair enough. So what's your plan"

It's her life and she is an adult. The issue is that she doesn't have enough life experience to know that the age gap will seem much much bigger when they are both older. He should know that by now, and have the maturity and decency to recognise that this is not a good life choice for her. He should hold oof the relationship.

It's not ideal but at the same time it's not terrible. If he's a good, kind man she could do a lot worse. I think it's likely she'll outgrow the relationship. Of not, she might end up being a carer in middle age.

Yeah, it would have been better if he hadn't left her that hope he'll change his mind, because to me 90% no means NO.

But I guess she's all loved up and presumably thinks it means MAYBE.

I'd be worried that he'll string her along for years with that 10%.

This is my exact worry. Every time we talk about it, she shuts the conversation down saying "well he might change his mind, I don't want to think about it right now it's too hard". I think deep down she knows it's not going to work but she can't face the decision or heart break yet !