Just not that into me

[Alittlehocuspocus]

Just posting this for myself!! I can write here what I mustn’t say out loud 😂

When two people are incredibly busy, they can still find two minutes a few times a day for a call or message beyond “how’s your Monday going?”.

It isn’t enough to be enthusiastic only when directly in front of each other. Effort needs to be made every day.

Please help with the pep talk ladies!! I want to feel like a priority and not an option 🤦🏼‍♀️

He’s just not that into me. I need to be fine with that and adopt the same energy.

Yes you can and should find time to check in at times you’re not together. But depending on jobs that’s not always going to be possible during the day. But regular effort is important.
If he’s just not that into you (and I completely understand how you feel), why are you still with him? Being an option or even less than that is awful. Being single is actually better than being with someone like this.

I’m not sure I agree with this. I have a busy job and other responsibilities and haven’t messaged my boyf yet today and when I do I’ll ask how his days been. He’s not messaged me either tbf. But we are both really into each other.

People have widely different messaging styles too. I definitely don’t agree with your views here.

Nothing would put me off faster than a needy texter. If he’s not into you that might be why!

See I don’t think I do agree with this. First of all it depends who it is, I have higher expectations of my husband than I would someone I’ve been on a few dates with. The other thing is that obviously in a 24 hour period I’d expect a few messages but during a work day, honestly, I wouldn’t. My job is crazy busy a lot of the time, so is my husband’s, we very rarely have a chance to text each other through the day, one of my BIL isn’t actually able to have his phone on him at all during his work day for health & safety, one of my friends is a primary teacher so isn’t able to check her phone at all during teaching hours, so to put it simply no, I don’t expect texts during the day because I’m well aware that lots of people can’t do that.

If I didn’t get any contact AFTER work though then yeah, not that interested, but again it depends who the person is to you

You need to find out what texting and calling means to this man. Not everyone wants to be on their phone all day and it may not mean much if he doesn't keep messaging or calling you. It can be a sign of neediness, not love or excitement.

This comes up on here a lot and I think it’s more to do with texting style/habit than anything else.

You are a bit dismissive of the importance of his behaviour when you meet but that would be WAY more important to me. But if you’re a big texter then you need to evaluate how important texting is to you I guess.

I mean evaluate how important it is to find someone who matches your text style. I am not implying there is anything wrong with you being a frequent texter.

Another one who thinks it’s different communication styles. I’m really busy at work right now and it would drive me mad if someone wanted several check ins a day.

Absolutely in person behaviour is far more important than random texts all day long.

Maybe you need a conversation about communication expectations

I think that’s fine if you’re both into low comms but sounds like the OP isn’t. And you’ve sort of proven the point as you have had time to post here!

How often do you meet? After a few years of dating I had lost excitement in amorous messaging. In person enthusiasm and consistency was what mattered. Anyone can send something loving

If he is making time to see you, and not being flakey I’d place more importance on that than texting.

Me and DH admittedly got together 24 years ago, but he was never the most prolific texter, and has always seen it more as a functional activity (even today he never really gets very involved in WhatsApp banter from his old school posse).

Unnecessary.

My previous exes and I used to have a little chat or text at about 10pm, unless we were out.

We were working during the day.

Depends, are you living together?

I do find needy people unattractive but I am not a prolific texter. I realise it may just be me though.

So busy, yet you’ve managed to post on Mumsnet throughout the day 🤣.

I definitely agree with others OP that you probably have different communication styles, but you must also have a gut feeling and if you’re feeling that he’s not that into you, you’re most likely right.

Is he keen to see you regularly, does he want to make plans in good time to make sure you’re available, do you get his full attention when you’re together, what is his phone usage like when you’re together, these are more of the things I’d be looking at.

I don't know if I agree with you op. I'm from the pre-mobile phone days. Met & married dh in the 80's. We lived too far apart to see each other in the week. We were happy with one phone call to each other mid-week. Rest of the time I was busy with college & my friends. Parents in the next room kills it too. Tbh I used to run out of things to say on the phone and always preferred it when we finally saw each other at the weekend. The youngsters of today would have a melt down with our level of communication 😀

@Alittlehocuspocus - for me, it’s this:

“MeganM3 · Today 18:47

If he is making time to see you, and not being flakey I’d place more importance on that than texting.”

How can anyone comment on this until we know your situation? Are you married? Do you live together? When will you see each other next? Is it arranged? So much lacking here..

Thank you for the different perspectives. I’m being needy in my thoughts definitely, but not so he would know.

I’m actually worried that I’m falling for him quickly and want to see the same craziness and heady lust mirrored back. Stupid bonding Oxytocin hormones. Is it a woman thing?? 😂

He just messaged. Unprompted sorry that we haven’t spoken today and his diary has been jammed. He asked me to please call him!! Well, I want to be chased, so nope not calling 😂 Tomorrow our diaries clash all day. So Wednesday I’ll see him in person (in a meeting first) and then decide if I want to go for our planned lunch… or I might be breezy and cancel to meet a friend “in need” instead.

Fair point, today was my one day off this week as I worked the weekend. I hadn’t messaged him as I knew he would be working and wouldn’t have time to reply.

Sorry, I wasn’t thinking of the background when I posted. Colleagues for 8 months, then fell for each other a few weeks ago once a project we were working on wrapped up. Both senior (partners at law firm), but based/live in different offices quite far apart, but most weeks see each other 2-3 days in the head office. He’s very attentive when we’re in the same place, but our diaries often clash.

Both have primary age kids (him EOW) and me more often (more like 95%). I only get a few hours in the weekday evenings when I don’t need to rush home to handover from my kids’ nanny.

I don’t think it will work out. Amazing chemistry, but logistics are too challenging. I want more, he says he does too and is super focussed when we’re together. I’ve never know chemistry like it…

But as I’ve said, I think I’m falling very quickly and it scares me. Long, EA marriage with little intimacy for the past decade ended and I don’t think I can manage this new situation breezy or slowly. I want him, I want all of the time. It’s a me issue.

Thank you for this space to empty my head.

Why are you being silly and playing games?

Calm yourself down. It's the initial excitement of having that connection after such a long barren time in your marriage. I've been exactly there so I know how you're feeling. It's rare to find such a connection so don't throw it away by being so needy or playing silly games. Be grown up and act like a fully rounded complete person. Good luck 👍

@Alittlehocuspocus

He asked you to call him but you want him to chase you? Don't play games and ruin things.

What's wrong with you calling him? You are the busier person with children more of the time. Surely that's him being considerate?