Has your partner ever said he hated you?

[DoesthislookgoodOnMe]

Exactly that. Had a petty arguement with my dp which brought up a few unresolved issues or things i harbour resentment towards. He said to me “ You’re going to make me hate you”. I don’t think there’s any going back from that. He’s not sorry either, I told him I was upset at work and he said “ I hope that’s because you upset me”.

You said this so much better than I could. It is the beginning (or the end of) coercive control. Putting the blame on you for the way he feels is the ultimate red flag of coercive control. I wish more women realised this (not aimed at you OP but something I read today). Fuck that

Don't look on it as wasted time, OP - that way madness lies. Most relationships are ok until they're not, just write this off as one of them. And yes, I don't think there is any coming back from what the moody tightwad has done.

Just have so much to sort out tomorrow. We have a holiday booked which is non refundable and also he owes me some money for the car he brought . Half my wardrobe is occupied with his stuff too and we have each others keys to our houses. I made a lasagne on Saturday for dc and made loads to take over to his for dinner tonight. I can’t stomach anything right now. @Allthegoodhorses yes I recognise the coercive control in his words as my ex H was like this so that’s what set me off today, I couldn’t place it but it felt so off. I take no offence of what you have said, I would be stupid to ask for advice and opinions then start being defensive about it.

OP he really sounds like a mean arsehole who is using you.
You need to tot up everything you are spending on this nasty man.

He won't change and you are just wasting YOUR time.

He doesn't care for you, you are useful that's all.
Big mistake to continue wasting years on him.
I'm sorry.

He’s saying I ruined him enjoying his dcs birthday

But actually, he ruined it with his foul temper. You are well out of it.

i only blocked him on what’s app but now he’s messaged and asked “ Are you not coming them?”. I don’t play games. If he was apologetic after work and tried to patch things up then maybe I would have but no way now after all his said to me and how he’s tried to shut me up!

What a horrible man. I really couldn’t get over a partner even implying he might hate me. If love isn’t foundational to your relationship, then there’s really no going forward.

Pop the lasagne in the freezer. Check if you can change the names on the holiday. Freeze his credit card. Then switch your phone off and go to bed. You’ve got this. You’re clearly a capable woman and you will be fine without him. Promise.

Thanks @BitOutOfPractice . He tried to call so we be blocked him on normal calls, can’t turn him phone off off as older dc on holiday with my mum and younger one with ExH - I always sleep with it in case of any emergency. I feel so mentally tired I can’t move so going to go to bed and hope I can sleep and get through it. This isn’t how I pictured my evening 😔

I hope you got some sleep op. Make a plan for how you’re going to manage today. Keep him blocked. Try and eat something healthy-ish, try and get some fresh air and believe On yourself.

I hope you're okay this morning.

I second the good advice @BitOutOfPractice has given. I'm a big fan of when others go low in their treatment of you - go look after yourself - as in eat well, exercise, fresh air, good company.

My ex and I had an argument over the number of previous sexual relationships he thought I should have had, a subject I didn't want to discuss. He smashed up a bag of apples that had been on the worktop, pinned me against the door and shouted in my face that he hated me. The words hurt me to my core and I wasn't able to ever forget.

Just leave the relationship. After 5 years it’s not getting any better. Don’t suffer and let him take all your self esteem, he sounds awful and mean stingy men are the worst .

Thanks for all your messages … I got a text from him at 4am from his work phone ( didn’t think to block this). He has a health condition and was up in a lot of pain. I only saw it this morning when I woke thankfully. I decided to come and check in on him and also take a few bags of his stuff. He’s said sorry and that he loves me, tried to hug and kiss me but I just asked him to let go. As he lives in next county I am working from home here but he’s gone to the doctors. I will go home as soon as I log off. He doesn’t have any family that would be able to check he’s ok so I’ve done this as a friend and nothing else. I’ve taken my key back but he’s asked me to hold on to his. I don’t want to expand on what’s wrong with him apart from it’s an issue with a vital organ or I would not have come as I can’t bear to look in his face, he’s hurt me so much. I’m icy outside and very business like with him though he’s still insistent on calling me babe and bringing over my vitamins to the desk for me to take ( he usually does this as I always say I’ll do it later). Feel so drained and slept like a fucking baby last night!

I looked after myself this morning, eaten seeds and toast, did my Pilates routine and showered and a bit of makeup. I do have a splitting headache though and everything is coming up in my brain that I let slide.

This is all text book narc behaviour on his part.

Stay strong and glad to hear you are looking after yourself and seen the light.

@ThatHazelGuide i know. When I messaged this morning to ask if he was ok now, he said no and that he would probably die alone. I didn’t respond to that crap, I know it’s meant to draw you in. He is genuinely sick and I do wonder when he’s going to start blaming me for that.

Aside from everything else, I really don't like the way he said "you’re going to make me hate you” - that's putting all the responsibility for his feelings on you, whereas I assume he's an adult in charge of his own emotions...?

Amd straight after he texted that, he then messaged “done”.
He has been instead strain recently as his parents are not well and a few things with his ex wife but there’s no excuse for nasty behavior. Plus he’s been tight since day one. No excuse for that at all.

Oh god, there's always a health condition or some other kind of crisis.

You sound like you've got the measure of him, but he'll persist in trying to hoover you back in so stay strong and make sure you put your own wellbeing first. You sound like a good person and he'll want to take advantage of that. Lots of people don't have family near at hand and seem to cope somehow. The reality is that he's very unlikely to "die alone" because you didn't come running, not least because he seems very adept at getting his needs met. If he wanted them to be met by you, he should have treated you better.

for you, OP.

Why do they all do the same dramatics. I'm going to die, I'm done, why you doing this to me (victimhood).

Run don't walk.

Stay strong, and change your subscription passwords. What a fool he's been.

Mean nasty people often die alone.
You have clearly been used by him.
Do not be manipulated further by him.
You deserve so much better than this OP.

Meanness goes to the core of a persons character.
There is no overcoming it.

His health issues are nothing to you, abusive men often use a health crisis or threats to self harm to manipulate their victims.

Any threats ring 101 and do as the police to do a welfare check on him.

Nothing to do with you.
Do not keep the key.
Just further manipulation of you.

Agree with all of this. I really hope you won't get hoovered back in @DoesthislookgoodOnMe

The meanness is just so off putting. How did he ever manage to attract you?

Nope, have been together with hubby for 42 years, including courting. My sister in law once said it to me, haven’t spoken to her for 12 years now.

Reading your statement he hasn’t said he hates you, he’s said you’re going to make me hate you, perhaps what he means is that he doesn’t like where it’s going but can’t explain himself, there’s a difference. My sister in law categorically stated very loudly that she HATED ME 🥴