Does the seething anger ever go away?

[Heja]

I wrote a thread last November when my husband of 15 years decided he needed a break, totally blindsiding me and our 3 children (5,6&9).

In a nutshell it seems he ended our marriage to pursue a very costly and time consuming hobby, that he knew was not compatible with family life. Yep seriously. He blew his family apart to follow his dreams. Since he walked away, he’s been absolutely crap with the kids. Everything he ever judged other men for (including his own father) he is now doing. Missing weekends with them, false promises, going out of contact, not showing up to any of their things going on in their lives. Just acting like a real low life. I am putting on a brave face for the children but I am so so angry. I can’t believe how he’s behaving. I can’t believe he could treat his children like this. I can’t believe he is doing exactly what his own Father did to him KNOWING the lasting hurt and pain it can cause.

My anger towards him is so strong and I just feel like it won’t ever go away. I don’t understand why (some) men do this? Because it is pretty much always men that abandon their families. I’m so angry for our children. I feel like he’s lied to me our whole relationship because I can’t reconcile the man I married with the one I’m dealing with now.

Any advice? Any time frames I can cling onto where people started to feel the anger subside? Urgh I’m just a mess with it all.

Oh @Heja I was only thinking of your thread the other day and wondering how you were. I’m so so sorry it has turned out like this; what a crushing disappointment. The anger is entirely justified - whatever his faults and behaviours they are impacting your kids but do not down play how much they are impacting you too. This is your life he’s blown up and your kids are still so young.

I don’t think there’s a healthy shortcut to dealing with this. But I do think rebuilding your life without him is a practical focus. If he’s spending all the family money on his new hobby, that leaves you strapped and stretched I’d start with tackling that. Separate finances if you haven’t and file for divorce. Focus on practical steps that will allow you to not be run ragged - that might mean moving to being closer to a support network, moving to a smaller house with less upkeep and / or that frees up capital to enable you to work less / bring in more external support.
These won’t directly stop you feeling anger but it’s positively channelled and the impact of his selfish behaviour will be less than it is. Currently you’re suffering practically as well as emotionally.

By practically building your life around him not being there it will be less of a disappointment when he lets the kids - and you - down regularly.

Have you filed for divorce?

Fair point. I take the first part of my recommended sentence back. I think I'mc hanneling a situation we have with a family member where it's slightly different.

I see we were trying to make the same point
Don't excuse your ex's behaviour to the children

This is familiar. My ex hated his birth dad for pissing off when he was little, he never saw him again. He then walked out on me when DS was 18 months old. Unbelievable. I have no advice or explanation. I know too many men who haven’t stayed past the 2 year threshold of their first born. Fucking pathetic bunch of bastards.

Therapy is not a luxury—it could be the difference between moving forward, rebuilding your life, and supporting your kids versus being dragged down and making yourself ill. If he’s selfish enough to spend money on a hobby that has torn your family apart, the least you can do is invest in your own well-being. Could your family help by covering the cost of a block of sessions?

Have you spoken to your GP? They might be able to offer therapy options or prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help you through this.

From your last post, it was clear how strong, smart, and capable you are—you’re already an incredible mother to your kids. His selfishness and the choices he’s made will define his life, but they don’t have to define yours. He knew the impact this would have on his children, yet he made this decision anyway. He is a weak and selfish man.

But history doesn’t have to repeat itself in the same way. Unlike his mother, you’re better informed and better equipped to handle this because you already see the consequences. You don’t have to “make up” for his absence—you get to parent in a way that aligns with your values. That means not protecting him, not overcompensating for his absence, but showing your kids the strength of a mother who builds a loving and secure family, even if it looks different from what they once knew. You are not lacking because he’s not there - your family is complete, just in a different shape. He is merely on the periphery like an uncle, or family friend.

If he ever develops self-awareness, he’ll deeply regret this—it will cast a shadow over his life forever. But it doesn’t have to do the same to you. This is your life, you only get one. Don’t let his selfishness define you. Accept that he was a selfish prick, and go live life on your terms.

It's not surprising he's gone the same way as his dad. Parents are our blueprint and we often end up emulating them.

Can you take up a vigorous form of exercise to get some of the anger out like boxercise.

Accept the situation for what it is, this is who he is and move forward for your children. Don't bother with him anymore.

The anger does subside eventually….and in my case has been replaced with total apathy towards him 🤷🏻‍♀️
I did all the chasing and reminding and scheduling to try and facilitate the relationship between him and the DCs… but there was always an excuse. Or a blatant lie about why he couldn’t do xyz with them.
Now I’ve reached the point where I simply don’t care anymore.
These situations are the dictionary definition of “if he wanted to, he would” 🤷🏻‍♀️ He simply doesn’t want to.
So why should I continue to stress myself out over it when clearly he’s not?
My DCs are happy and live in a loving, stable home with me and their stepfather. They know 100% that we will show up for them every single time even if their dad can’t be arsed.
Obviously sometimes the hurt on their behalf still pops up and I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the day that will eventually come when they are old enough to see through their dad’s excuses and connect the dots. They are going to be heartbroken. And I’m going to have to pick up those pieces.
But for now? Me being angry/upset about his behaviour doesn’t help anyone. He’ll never get this time with his children back, and more fool him.

This is one of the most shocking things I’ve read, @Heja

Did he tell you he was leaving to pursue this hobby, or did he leave first and then bury himself in it? Because everything about this screams midlife crisis. Let me guess—he’s around 40? Has he been carrying some trauma, maybe seen a counsellor before making this leap? Maybe a male counsellor, who helped him “realise his true dreams”? Amazing how those dreams only became urgent after having multiple children. Why not after 1 child? Why not before marriage? Why now, when his responsibilities are at their peak?

In most situations like this, I’d say to hold your dignity, go grey rock, and let him reckon with his own choices in time. But here - I don’t think I could bite my tongue. I assume he’s not making time to communicate with you or support you in anyway? I assume you’re left to just carry on, picking up the pieces while he plays out his fantasy?

If I were you, I’d write it all down. The weight of his choices. The cost of his dreams—paid for by 4 people who depended on him. Let him know that when he looks back as an old man, you hope he finally understands what he lost. How whatever he achieves with his hobby will be tainted, and comes at the cost of a relationship with his children, and possibly at the risk of their security and wellbeing (although obviously you will provide that in spades). How he has failed. How you no longer recognise the man you married. How you wish he’d given you this choice before marrying, before having 1, then 2, then 3 children. How you don’t know how he can look at himself in the mirror.

Maybe you give him the letter. Maybe you don’t. Maybe just writing it is enough. But I would want him to know the seriousness of his defection of responsibility and to make him face the impact of his choices. I doubt he’s got the guts to face it though.

Imagine if you did the same—if you threw in the towel and left to chase some frivolous lifelong ambition. Would he call it self-discovery then? Or just abandonment? He’s taken away your autonomy and your choice. Being incandescent with rage is an entirely appropriate response.

Yes I did, because the rest of it doesn't really matter as much as the first part.

The ONLY person who knows whether he loves the children or not is him. We (or OP) don't actually know if he's ever loved them. He might have cared for them or provided for them but that's not love. And he's not exactly showing that love right now by his actions is he? So OP should not tell the children he loves them, that is down to him to say.

I put my letter into AI, I told it to reword it with the constraints I wanted eg

rewrite to include more of the lessons learned etc and then I copied it into my journaling app and reread it until it became my story. It is a little like changing perspective in CBT but without losing yourself in it or gaslighting yourself with I think can sometimes happen in CBT.

I am nearly 3 years on from a similar level of betrayal followed by uselessness and my anger has started to subside lately - helped in my case by no longer having to have contact with him but also just by getting on with my life. I did have therapy which helped a lot. Also I have a lovely relationship with my adult/nearly adult children and he…doesn’t. He’ll never get that back and that’s on him

Thank you. When you say you put it into AI what programme or app did you use? Sorry to sound thick lol I really don't know about this stuff but it sounds really useful.

This is me atm @HejaI feel as I’m going to explode from the injustice of it all.

Chat GPT is the one I use it is extremely easy to use.

I have to say I agree.

I spent a lot of time feeling as though the people who love me would probably abandon me because that’s what people who love you often do.

My life became a lot simpler once I realised my dad never loved me, not in any meaningful way. It didn’t even hurt to finally acknowledge that, either. I wish I’d have known it earlier. I mostly feel sad for my dad, and I have a lot of affection for him - I think he is fundamentally incapable of properly loving people, and it will absolutely be down to his own father abandoning him and being a general POS. He simply wasn’t equipped to break the cycle, much like your husband, OP.

Your work now is to focus on empowering your children to break the cycle instead

Ah thank you 👍 I have heard of that, I'll give it a try.

Anger is good - IMO it actually is better this way as you see the person for what they really were, in my case a selfish, abusive narcissist. The way she broke up the family and her selfishness since (2 years, been on one week holiday with kids but loads with other people) got me to the anger stage quick. So instead of wallowing in wanting her back, missing her and thinking how we could try again, it got me focussed on me and the kids. Mentally never get better overall despite her actions then and since.

Just channel it the right way, you are better off without him. He has lost out and probably regrets actions. Focus on being happy and thinking what he is missing out on. Move on, do different things, like if you have had days out at the beach before as a family still do it but make the day different (like different beach)

Is he the one that buggered off to a caravan in the run up to Christmas?
I have thought about you OP!
I would seek some counselling to deal with the anger & I would divorce him! The pure selfishness of the man was evident in the way he flounced off & left the whole run-up to Christmas to you!
if you are the one I’m thinking of, you had a great mum & sister, lean on them while you get through the worst! At least he has finally shown his true colours!
I’m not surprised you’re angry, you just need to channel it!

I think you would be absolutely psychotic if you weren’t angry!