Does the seething anger ever go away?

[Heja]

I wrote a thread last November when my husband of 15 years decided he needed a break, totally blindsiding me and our 3 children (5,6&9).

In a nutshell it seems he ended our marriage to pursue a very costly and time consuming hobby, that he knew was not compatible with family life. Yep seriously. He blew his family apart to follow his dreams. Since he walked away, he’s been absolutely crap with the kids. Everything he ever judged other men for (including his own father) he is now doing. Missing weekends with them, false promises, going out of contact, not showing up to any of their things going on in their lives. Just acting like a real low life. I am putting on a brave face for the children but I am so so angry. I can’t believe how he’s behaving. I can’t believe he could treat his children like this. I can’t believe he is doing exactly what his own Father did to him KNOWING the lasting hurt and pain it can cause.

My anger towards him is so strong and I just feel like it won’t ever go away. I don’t understand why (some) men do this? Because it is pretty much always men that abandon their families. I’m so angry for our children. I feel like he’s lied to me our whole relationship because I can’t reconcile the man I married with the one I’m dealing with now.

Any advice? Any time frames I can cling onto where people started to feel the anger subside? Urgh I’m just a mess with it all.

The problem with such anger is that the only person it hurts is you. It will affect you mentally, emotionally and physically, and will manifest itself in weird and "wonderful" ways (including auto immune conditions that screw you up for life) - which will only make you more angry and resentful, and so it repeats.

It might be worth accessing some form of therapy so you can let that anger go.

It's natural and it's recent. I would say it will take you a long time to get over this. Concentrate on being the best Mum you can be. Your children will know.

What costly and time consuming hobby could possibly be more important than being a reliable part of your children's lives?! I would be livid too, for a long time, and rightly so.

When he cancels plans with the DC, do you straight up tell him that he’s doing exactly what his father did? Would this make him think twice next time he wants to cancel or do a no-show?

You’re totally right and I know it’s only hurting me but right now I can’t help it. I’ve lost over 2 stone since he left, simply because I’m too anxious and angry to eat. Not to mention I’m currently running myself into the ground working, running a house and doing everything for the kids so I think that’s played a part.
I am going to look into therapy, it’s just so expensive and with things the way they are, seems like a luxury when it’s probably a necessity.

Exactly. And that’s what I say to him over and over again. It’s motorsport related and he also works in that field. It was a bone of contention our whole marriage and since he’s gone he’s just thrown himself into it 100%. Even when it means missing out on ‘his’ time with the children. He’s probably only seen them 5 times since he left.

Absolutely I do. It’s the thing that’s confused and angered me the most to be honest. He has been terribly affected his whole life by what his Father did and always swore he could never do the same. In a weird twist, he’s almost replicating exactly (right down to work etc) what his Dad did and the way he left.

I think the anger is normal but as others have said, it only really impacts you and so it' snot healthy.

I think the best thing you can do is start taking back control. So accept that he is appalling. I know that's hard, but do what you can then start getting practical. He's not reliale, and isn't spending time with the children or takign them on. So what does that mean foro finances? ishe paying/ Have you started the financial separation? The sooner you can ensure you and the children are financially table and that he's paid his share, the easier your life is going to be.

Then onto the children. Of course you cannot be slagging him off. That is not helpful for ayone. BUT, biting your tongue and trying to protect him from their upset is not going to help anyone and int he long term, your children will just see it as YOU lying to them. So, it's time to get the balance right. "I'm sorry Daddy didn't come this weekend. I really thought he would come. I think he's at the racing. But why don't we go and do something fun togehter seeing as he's not here? Swimming anyone?"

"Of course daddy loves you. He's just not very good at making time and organising things. I know that's hard to understand, I don't understand it either, but that's who he is. I think we should go to the park and then come back to watch a movie today seeing as we're not seeing him."

It's not strange that he recreated what his dad modeled for him. People feel safe with the familiar, even when they know it's destructive and traumatic for others.

Is he paying child support?

Therapy would be your best bet in dealing with your (very understandable) anger. I would say try to ease back on the housework. Batch cook, slow cooker, paper plates, occasional takeout, take any help offered and all the shortcuts. Have the kids start helping with pickup around the house. It's really important to hydrate and eat some nutritious food when you're stressed. Think of it as self care. I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this.

Thank you for this, made me feel a bit teary. I’m trying to go easy on myself in terms of keeping it all together. There’s definitely been a few more takeaways than usual!
I should say, I completely understand why he’s replicating what he knows, I guess my anger is more directed at him not breaking that generational cycle/trauma. I think I always hoped that he loved his children more than that. More than to go down the same route. Our eldest son is very nearly the same age as my husband was when his Father left and I feel like screaming at him to see himself in our son but anything I’ve said re him becoming his Father just falls on deaf ears.

This is good advice thank you and something I’m really trying to stick to. I would never badmouth him to them because I love them so much more than I hate what he’s done and right now, they still adore him. It’s just so hard when I see them disappointed.

Therapy is definitely not a luxury in your situation OP, it’s an absolute necessity for you and by extension for your children’s sense of security. If you are feeling strong and balanced then you are a better mum, and better equipped to be supporting them navigate this traumatic time for them.

Google low-cost therapy in your area / online.

Just to say I think your anger is totally normal, he is hurting your children, but you have to find an outlet for it

For me that's dancing. Whenever I'm pissed or raged off I stick music on, dance like no ones watching and enjoy my kids squeals of laughter at me. Best medicine ever!

"Of course daddy loves you"
Do NOT say that. That is up to him to say and quite honestly actions speak louder than words. They can see and hear that their father isn't around so for you to basically gaslight them will only hurt you in the long run. You will be a liar and untrustworthy, not him. Do not excuse or lessen his actions.

"I'm sorry Daddy didn't come this weekend. I really thought he would come"
This is acknowledging their hurt feelings, this is letting them know that what he is doing is unacceptable - morally, sociably, emotionally, mentally. You don't have to alienate them but you don't have to pretend either.

Have a read of this link as there are references to free counselling. Even six sessions might be enough to start lessening your anger. Good luck

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/

Oh @Heja you sounds like an amazing mum. I don’t have anything helpful to say, just that I also don’t understand why men are so often so selfish and useless.

(not all men, I know)

but enough of them. It beggars belief that someone could be as stupid as your husband. To have grown up suffering from that abandonment, and then being so selfish to not care he is doing it to his own children. It’s like their minds work a different way. I have no idea if it’s biological. Just socialised low expectations or whatever but it is a thing, a lot of men are just fucking pathetic.

i am also angry about the men in my life, but as PP said, there isn’t much point. They damned as sure won’t pay much attention to it.

You left off the rest of my sentence? I mean, I take your point overall but no man is ever goign to say, "I dont love you" to his children, so you're just reiterating what he'd say and reassuring the kids. But NOT excusing the behaviour. So "Daddy does love you, but he's not very good at prioritising you".

No wonder you are angry, OP - I felt angry on your behalf just reading about what that jerk has done. I suppose the way to look at it is 'good riddance to a supremely selfish arse', although I suspect that attitude from you will develop in time. I can only echo what others have said, be kind to yourself lass.

Can you access counselling through any work benefits or employee assistance program? It’s quite common to have this and even if it’s 6 sessions of CBT it can help or at least be a start to see if it helps you.

I found a great way to get rid of anger from an abusive situation I got out of was to write a letter saying exactly what I wanted to say, releasing the visceral rage and anger with my words. Then I got AI to reword it until the letter was more about what I had learned, letting go, moving on and regaining my power in the situation. AI really tamped down the anger part and really worked up the lessons learned part.

Then I reread the letter enough times until the anger and rage eased and the letting go part took over. I have used the strategy since for much smaller issues and it has worked then too.

When someone tell the kids their deadbeat dad who rarely sees them loves them, they're equating abandonment with love and normalizing it. They set up cognitive dissonance for the kids and that's just not a good thing.

As harsh as it is, right now the dad is neglecting his children and abandoning his parental obligations. That's not love.

It's best to just skirt around that rather than lie. As they grow, they see clearly and they're hopefully less likely to repeat this behaviour themselves.

My husband of 20 years left me to pursue BDSM. I'm still bloody angry 7 years later. I think I might lose my shit if I ever saw him again.
Luckily we had no children together.
What utter pricks they are.

I know it wasn't infidelity, or at least not with another human being, but the Chump Lady website is good for reading about other people processing their anger, distress and resentment at being left by a self centred spouse. Everyone gets through it in their own time but others sometimes can be inspiring.

My ex the same. They say I'd never do this like my father did then they go and do it.

I agree with previous post actually. I know a lot of people will say you are supposed to lie and make out their dad is wonderful….i don’t. I don’t bad mouth him but neither will I lie for him either. Turning up once a month for half an hour with guilt presents isn’t love and I’m not going to pretend it is either

I find this really interesting. I'm not that up on AI , can you explain a bit more what you used to do it, how it works etc as it sounds really interesting