Husband blows up at me.

[whatisforteamum]

How to respond to a grumpy person who won't accept responsibility or apologise.
When DC were at home I would go out shopping and leave him to his sport on TV and later worked loads evenings and weekends to get away from his temper.
I changed jobs a couple of yrs ago and hoped he had mellowed at 64.
Our DD visits only a couple of times a yr so I was surprised he was angry to cook a pizza and do salad as he knew I'd done the cleaning and washing and she even helped.i pointed out he already cooked pizza every Fri and was just chopping salad.!!
Next day we went out on a day trip I had work Sunday getting up at 5 am so set about grabbing my uniform packed my bag put water on for a bath as we got home later than expected as she asked if we can pop in DIY shop to grab paint for her new house.
They were having chicken Kiev pre cooked new potatoes all he had to do was place Kiev on a tray set alarm for 25 mins microwave pre prep pots.
He just blew up and said you are not the only one who f ...ING works you know.!!
So cringe in front of our DD as they both had Sunday to lie in.
He didn't and won't apologise as he never does and said he won't be made to constantly apologise to me.
Same if I ever do cook as he says he isn't subservient to me.
It's damaging my mood and self esteem.
My colleague tell me I'm lovely kind person yet he treats me like this.
I can't afford to suddenly sell up though we do have savings set aside for pension.
How do I deal with such a ill tempered man.

OP

I remember many of your previous writings and I feel quite sad actually that you are still with him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was one or either of your parents similar in personality to your now H?. Were you otherwise taught by one or other parent to put their needs first with your own dead last?.

How you deal with this is by leaving and otherwise divorcing him. He has been controlling you for years with his moods and grumpy behaviour and all this stems from abuse. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

It's no real surprise either to see that your DD only visits a couple of times a year; she probably goes begrudgingly. She is likely worried sick about you as her mother seeing her father treat you with such hate and with tacit acceptance from you. You've been ground down over the years by him. She is worried that you'll never leave him and are stuck in a toxic dance of codependency.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. You have a choice re this man even now. I would consider seeking legal advice re all aspects of divorce pertaining to your situation. You really do not want to end up being this man's carer in his dotage.

^ Everything @AttilaTheMeerkat said.

How do I deal with such a ill tempered man.

Is there anything you haven't already tried? He is not going to change. Until he gets worse.

The best way for you to deal with him is to get away from him and start living life for yourself, on your own terms, putting yourself first. I say this as someone who had 30 years of life on my husband's terms. Life without him in it is bliss, it takes healing from, but the peace and ability to make my own choices without criticism or blame is bliss.

I know better the devil you know and all that, the thought of such a big change can be terrifying but nothing's going to change for you now, your husband is still training you.

Thank you both.
My DH was like my df.Kind caring and nice.
I did see him swear at his df and thought it was a one off.
He is so much like my own DM now.
Blows up when everyone is having a nice day.
Doesn't care for his health and has had a HA.
Doesn't message adult DC.
Seems to be letting hygiene slip and I have suggested anti depressants.
Doesn't like the fact menopause has robbed my sex drive or his bad attitude has.
Started accusing me of being lazy despite doing all cleaning except washing up and kitchen sides and he gets food shop.
I work full time and walk 15 miles a week to get there.
Where do these old fashioned mysoginistic blokes come from.He used to tell the neighbours I didn't cook his tea when I worked 12 HR days.
I know in reality I have bent myself out of shape trying to not be here at the same time.
Or be quiet.
I think going alone after many decades does sound terrifying as it is the real unknown and that can have financial issues.

Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life. Better to be on your own than to be thus badly accompanied. And what happens to you re your job if you end up being his carer?

You have to divorce him, you know that. You can't change him but you can change your life. People can and do divorce later in life, no it's not easy, but at least you don't have young kids. Go and see a solicitor and get advice.

Deathears
How come you took the plunge to get divorced.?

Bumping for more discussion. I hope something someone says helps you break free.

🙏

If you leave him you never have to speak or look at him again. You can rebuild your life, move closer to your children if you choose.

if you stay with him eventually you will both retire and you will be with him 24/7. in your old age you may have to care for him or even worse he may have to care for you.

i was a lot younger but I divorced a man who was abusive.

If you choose to leave look at your finances, Di you have savings, pensions, investments, equity, a mortgage?

If you walked away with half of everything can you afford to buy a property on your own or buy your dh out? Where would you want to live if you could choose?

Once you know where you are financially you can plan your exit. Do you have people who would help you?

its hard to walk away from what you know but surely anything would be better than being with someone who is angry . I never regretted my divorce and I knew I would never be as
unhappy asi was with him.

I was married to a bully. Default mode was anger. Someone or something annoyed him, he’d shout at me. He did no chores, although he would cook sometimes. He’d make a point of cooking things he knew I didn’t like..like putting a lot of ginger in almost everything. Salmon with ginger, ice cream..ginger through it, other things and then watched me eat, smirking that I couldn’t say anything.
I found myself a cheap house and moved out when he was away for a few hours.
The relief of being able to come and go in peace, to not be answerable, not treading on eggshells was indescribable . The peace without him yelling and swearing down the phone at someone and then turning on me as if I was responsible for what they failed to say. Then he blamed me for his weight, so I stopped cooking for him. Stopped eating what he made, too.

If you can’t or won’t move out, ignore him. Stop cooking for him. Tell him, he can look after himself and you will take care of yourself. Do your own laundry, Don’t react to his accusations of laziness. Walk away if he shouts. Just grey rock. Be separate like housemates. I did that while getting my ducks in a row. He thought I’d mellow and come round …I just bided my time.

Get rid of him! Value yourself enough to not put up with his abuse. To do things ‘to avoid his temper’? That says it all. Tell him to leave and shut the door on his way out. I could never be with a man that is disrespectful to me and just rude and horrid to be around. Why on earth did you marry him..

Imagine 10 years from now, you are both retired - you still haven’t left him and he is still a miserable, self centred, abusive prick.

Your DD only now visits once a year as your H is unbearable, she may have children of her own which you won’t see very often because of his behaviour.
You will be spending every single day with this idiot, with no break - tolerating more and more of his nonsense, to keep the peace?!

Is this what you want? Is this the retirement or life you want? I think you have to dig deep now, find your confidence, and get yourself in a better position.

• Know your rights from a money/ house perspective
• Move things of value (sentimental stuff too)
• See a solicitor
• Get support from women’s aid
• Keep safe

You have choices that you CAN make now, which will bring you happiness- what will it take to get you there? Counselling? Building friendships? Hobbies? What will it take for you to realise you deserve better and that his behaviour is abusive, nasty and disgusting.

He won't change, you know this. Life is too short to be with an angry, stinky man.

Deardenimeagle I'm so pleased for you.Well done.
We do live more like housemates and have had separate rooms for many years.
Eat separately he has the advantage of still driving I stopped in peri as my anxiety was too bad.
I do need to do the separate laundry thing as I thought this maybe childish but gradually I'm putting all his stuff together.
We don't eat together as he is noisy and sometimes chokes.
Yes he blames me for his weight as I don't have a meal ready....funny it can't be the loaf of bread he ate in 2 days or the excessive sweets and crisps.
He wasn't shouty sweary when I met him.
I only knew he was unambitious.

OP. I feel for you I really do. Sadly men like that assume you condone their behaviour if you don't say anything and avoid them. I can totally understand why you would. But as my counsellor has told me, I can't change him but I can change how I respond.
My husband has been like yours but would avoid and put off talking to me whenever I asked then later accused me of dragging up old stuff in couples counselling - only because it was unresolved. Until I had a breakdown. We are separated and am taking legal advice - best thing I ever did. Solicitors will give you a free half an hour/hour, get all your financial info together then talk to as many as possible. Good luck.

OP, I appreciate divorcing is a massive thing to contemplate. Could you at least Google solicitors in your local area and see if you can book a free phone call? You could ask about the process and costs and what you might get and then at least you have some more facts to work with.

FormidableMizzP.
Sorry you had a breakdown.Thank you for the advice.
Whenever I mention anything I find rude later when he is calm I'm spoiling the day.!!
I'm not an angry person I just want to live with someone who is considerate,clean and doesn't think I'm lazy when I've recently cleaned all windows planted bulbs shampoo carpets up and down do daily washing bathroom hoovering when needed and go to work.

Keha it's the cost of a place after.we are mortgage free.not sure what I could get with half the money though.

He’s not going to change so you need to decide whether this is how you want to live the rest of your life or not.

Agreed.

Divorce him and enjoy the rest of your years without having an angry man around.

Leave.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life putting up with this crap?

I'm wondering if this is why your daughter doesn't visit very often.

Luckily you don't have children at home so it's just you he's abusing. If you choose to stay then I would learn about grey rocking him and completely disengaging so he doesn't bother you.

Counselling would be a good idea because walking on eggshells is detrimental to your mental health. It will be a good outlet for you.

Rent for a while, and look for somewhere else while you rent.

Could you move in with your daughter for a while and rent a storage space for your things?

Women's Aid is a good call from upthread - he's emotionally abusing you, and projecting all of his faults onto you. You are definitely not lazy, for instance.
0808 2000 247

I think you need to talk to a solicitor and learn about the divorce process.
Talk on the quiet to an estate agent too. Bring room dimensions, photos of each room, front and back views of the house, and an idea of size of garden.

There is no perfect time for divorce. But when you're being abused, any time is a good enough time.

At least after you're free, the only problems you'll face are problems you can do something about, as opposed to the one you currently have.

You know there's a better life out there without him, right? What's stopping you from divorcing him and taking your life back? It's scary, I know, but it's a hell of a lot better than living under the awful regime you're stuck in.

I would wager that you're afraid of how he would react, even though you're already having to deal with his anger on a regular basis.

There are countless women who have divorced horrible men. I'm one of them. Best decision I ever made.