Husband blows up at me.

[whatisforteamum]

How to respond to a grumpy person who won't accept responsibility or apologise.
When DC were at home I would go out shopping and leave him to his sport on TV and later worked loads evenings and weekends to get away from his temper.
I changed jobs a couple of yrs ago and hoped he had mellowed at 64.
Our DD visits only a couple of times a yr so I was surprised he was angry to cook a pizza and do salad as he knew I'd done the cleaning and washing and she even helped.i pointed out he already cooked pizza every Fri and was just chopping salad.!!
Next day we went out on a day trip I had work Sunday getting up at 5 am so set about grabbing my uniform packed my bag put water on for a bath as we got home later than expected as she asked if we can pop in DIY shop to grab paint for her new house.
They were having chicken Kiev pre cooked new potatoes all he had to do was place Kiev on a tray set alarm for 25 mins microwave pre prep pots.
He just blew up and said you are not the only one who f ...ING works you know.!!
So cringe in front of our DD as they both had Sunday to lie in.
He didn't and won't apologise as he never does and said he won't be made to constantly apologise to me.
Same if I ever do cook as he says he isn't subservient to me.
It's damaging my mood and self esteem.
My colleague tell me I'm lovely kind person yet he treats me like this.
I can't afford to suddenly sell up though we do have savings set aside for pension.
How do I deal with such a ill tempered man.

What about a smaller place nearer daughter?

Think about it mathematically

You will get half of everything with divorce, savings, pensions, property.

And won't then have to be stuck being his carer in old age, because he is a housebound lump waiting to happen.

Or you get to share everything and deal with him?

Which is the better equation?

If you want an easy way out say
"OK H you win you have become so obnoxious I am filing for divorce"

Yeah…it’s the extra food they get for themselves and the second and third helpings I did not offer.
Mine wasn’t shouty either, at the start. His pals that I met , separately told me I had mellowed him. Was good for him. I didn’t realise what they meant till much later.
Well if he shouts, just walk away. Don’t engage. Don’t listen. You could wear ear defenders or have music you like playing into headphones 🤗 But I would seriously try and see if you can make finances work for you.
Btw he doesn’t think you are lazy. I’m pretty sure it’s just a way of abusing you. Doesn’t mean he believes it..he just wants you to believe it. So don’t bother challenging him. They love the chance to play the victim.
What they do hate is being ignored. Grey rock.

I was a single wife for 15yrs did absolutely everything, kids, school, cats, driving, DIY, gardening etc etc. Run ragged.
Then late 2019 I caught whooping cough (50+ = jab had depleted) Then covid Jan 2020. DC and DH all at home 24/7, shielding from March 2020. I thought great, theyll pitch in. Not a bit of it, was way worse they all piled on pressure. By July I was just managing to get out of bed - thousand yard stare doesn't even come close. Got 0% sympathy even when it was discovered I had long covid and menopause.
It's devastating to realise the person you fell in love with has become the opposite.
Longing won't bring him back. One counsellor said, you'll have to leave him to force change.

He has always said I can eat what I want as I had an eating disorder when we first got together.
He has been going mad if I go in the kitchen when he is there..I did point out it's where the food and kettle are and he takes ages making something then his sandwiches for work.A couple of times I've got out the bath and waited for him then fallen asleep until 830.
I'm quite sure if I left him he would he wouldn't realise how bad he has been and play some kind of victim.
He did tell me the best bit of the marriage was the sex which makes me feel used.

They don’t think they are the problem. You are the problem. They are always right. He will decide you matter if you leave, I think. Cry crocodile tears to get you back. They hate being alone. They hate having no one to abuse because putting you down makes him feel superior. He needs to feel more than and to feel that, he needs to make you feel less than . He won’t change…he might pretend for a while to keep you from going or to get you back, but it’s not genuine and then he can punish you for leaving if you do go back.

It was his choice, as was everything about my adult life. I used to dream of what my life would be like without him in it but even when he said he didn't want to be married anymore and I said okay let's divorce he said no. It was all about control. He finally left me for the OW, thank fuck.

I was so powerless then, that's why I do my little bit on here, to help women in similar situations to find the strength to become themselves again ❤

He did tell me the best bit of the marriage was the sex which makes me feel used.

Please be aware that they can lie with ease and can be very believable. He said that precisely so you will feel used. Everything he says and does is about making you feel shit - everything. When you realise that you can start to stop hearing him. A PP recommended grey rock. That is the way forward for you. It will help you build up a defence that will bat off his attempts which in turn will help you build up the strength you need to make the changes.

@DearDenimEagle do we have the same ex? You are describing mine to a T, down to the putting ginger into the food he cooked for me. Then I got whined at for not thanking him. You couldn't make it up.

If you want to live with someone considerate, you need to leave. He is abusive. He is taking his frustration out on you. You are his punching bag. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even care about you, you are there for him to make him feel better about his inadequacies and failures. This is usually where the anger comes from. He's never going to take responsibility, they never do.

Do you really want to live like this until your time on this earth is done? What does retirement look like for you? He will probably get worse, they usually do.

Lots of good advice here. I split from my abusive ex after more than 25 years together. It was a relief and I can recommend it. It is not a case of 'better the devil you know' when you are being abused. Break free, go live your life in happiness.

@DeathEars Im the same in that I try to help on here.

I think that’s the weird thing…everybody is supposed to be different yet they seem to come out of the same mould. The lies, even when lying has no benefit other than to make them feel they put one over on someone again.
The need for control. Vanity…misplaced vanity in the case of mine. The need to be perceived as better than everyone else. I learned too late that reverse psychology is the way to deal. I hated birthday celebrations, so he’d throw a big dinner or party every year. If I’d said, birthdays are important, let’s do something special, he would have ignored it. He made everything about him. Someone dies..he practically throws himself into the grave with pretend grief , someone has cancer..spends the next two hours detailing his and his mother’s experiences with their cancers.

If You recognise any of these things, Whatisforteamum, you do need to get away. They get worse, the older they get

You need to leave. Be sounds vile!!

start tucking your money away in a secret bank account. Look at benefit calculators also and complete it as if you have left him. It must sound scary leaving after so many years but why spend your retirement miserable with someone like that!

Did your DD say anything when he snapped at you? Does she say anything about how he speaks to you?

I always think it's me as I'm a doer.We used to do the garden together and sit in it in the evening he hasn't done that in yrs.
He doesn't want to go anywhere ever or just says you choose.
My guess is he is fed up of my nagging about health, hygiene and he just wants TV to watch sport and beers with crisps.
Any adult could discuss the situation except these manchild types,

I've been saving for yrs.seriously putting in the overtime.

DD didn't say anything and loves her df.
Ds didn't say anything when he witnessed rudeness towards me when he visited last.
I did say something about old age together and she said you don't have to.!
Tricky for the dcs as he is their Df and he ferries them to the train station or help DD with her car.

Well last night I tried to speak to him about his outbursts.
He didn't see anything wrong.In fact he said what are you still doing here when I went to his room.
Are you wanting an apology?...which he won't do.
Says it all really.
No idea how he has become so rude.Hiz own behaviour and perhaps that of his colleagues/golf mates.
I need to look into options before he has another heart attack or I get unwell.

It's all been said by pp
He's an ignorant pig and doesn't deserve you.

@DearDenimEagle despite their supposed belief that they are so special and unique, they are all exactly the same. I've said many a time it's as if they're using the same handbook. I hear you, on all that you have said in your latest post. YY to the misplaced vanity. And the birthdays. I never wanted a big fuss for mine but he still hated them and would make them as miserable as he could for me. He'd buy me presents he knew I wouldn't like then complain that I didn't like the presents he bought me. Their egos are so very, very fragile. If they weren't so cruel they might be pitiable.

I need to look into options

@whatisforteamum How about you give Women's Aid a quick call, just to make contact and see what they say in the first instance? The changes you need to make are big, but baby steps, even a wiggle of a toe if a step's too much, are much more easily achieved.

I would advise against telling your husband any of your thoughts or plans about possibly ending the marriage because the abuse will escalate. He might well even sense a change in you and appear to improve for a while, to keep you where he wants you, but he will escalate as you will need punishing, on top of everything else. As is always recommended, you need to get your ducks in a row before making any actual moves. Meantime, try to act what is normal for you in front of him.

DeathEars is very right!

There is no point calling him out on what he says or does. He’s an emotional vampire. He feeds off your reactions and by calling him out, you just open yourself up for further abuse.

Stop doing anything for him. He clearly thinks you are there just to serve his needs and to be his punchbag. Start thinking about your future. A place where you can be free from him and his abuse.

I have to thank you all.My focus was on keeping a roof over my head that was paid for though our joint hard work.
Now it seems like a burden to be here and ignored or sworn at.
So long as I can keep my beloved pet though.