Porn in relationships

[ggggrace]

Some people are ok with their partner watching porn. I’m not, me beliefs and values just means I don’t want my partner watching porn. We have a great sex like, almost everyday. Hundreds of videos / pictures we see very adventurous. Sorry for TMI! Before we got together I set that boundary and said this is something I feel strongly about is it going to be a problem, he’s watched porn regularly in the past when single and purchased the odd onlyfans video, not going to judge he was single. But I expressed what I want from a relationship and what I don’t want from a relationship before we got more serious which he understood and was fine with.

In the last 6 weeks he caught him twice, we had sex the night bedore, my son woke in the night and I fell asleep in his bed when getting him back to sleep. My partner’s alarm woke me up at 6am so I go in and he puts his phone down quickly, I look after he tried hiding it because I just knew and lo and behold naked women. Same happened yesterday morning. It’s like every chance he gets that I’m not there that’s what he’s doing. I’m very secure in my self I’m not perfect I know that but I know but I feel completely disrespected, both times it took him a good 20 minutes for him to tell me the truth and he lied until I got the truth out of him. I feel betrayed, disrespected, and tbh like he’s bored of me? He says he isn’t and that he doesn’t know why he did it but had said yes he was in the mood and searched it and regrets it. First occasion was hard I let it slide but 6 weeks later caught doing the same?

My mental health really spiralled after the first time 6 weeks ago as I’m 8 months pregnant. He saw me a complete mess and really upset and even though im not an insecure person it did make me feel insecure and i am now feeling insecure and just worthless tbh.

any advice? I’m not sure what I want to gain from posting here, just really hurt

Simple.

you don’t want him to watch porn.

he does watch porn, like most men.

he won’t stop.

if you don’t like it, leave.

If it's that strong a boundary for you and intrinsically linked to your value system and despite knowing this, he's carried on (twice to your knowledge), it's a no brainer, you either accept it and move on together. Or, leave.

The trust isn't there, it's had a profound effect on you despite how secure you feel you are and you are now feeling worthless. Perhaps you've spent all this time creating a relationship that doesn't 'require' fantasies or porn, he gets it all from you, right. Wrong. You can't dictate how another views sex, you can only do what works for you.

That's a terrible addiction, you should end the marriage if he doesn't want to stop watching porn.

He's clearly just giving lipservice to agreeing not to watch porn.

He's a porn-watcher. That's established. He doesn't really want to stop.

Trying to make him stop isn't working. It's really not healthy to police and "catch" him, you'll drive yourself bonkers.

So it's whether it's a dealbreaker for you.

You set a boundary which he’s aware of and he’s broken that boundary and lied about it.

You either stand your ground and tell
him it’s over or you let it slide and he knows there’s no consequences

Work out if it is a deal breaker for you, if it is then split up. You probably won’t find another man who doesn’t watch it.

It didn't take long for the "most men" apologists to come along.
And OP isn't " trying to make him stop". She told him her boundary at the beginning of her relationship and he apparently agreed to it. So reminding him of the boundary isn't " trying to make him stop" : it's trying to give him a second chance.
Personally OP he has totally disregarded the boundary knowing how strongly you felt about it and I honestly would end the relationship. You've caught him twice but what wont be the only times he has watched it.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn and who has shown such disrespect.

My only advice would be don’t make any big decisions when you’re 8 months pregnant. And definitely don’t let it make you worthless. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Coincidentally I had a conversation with DH today about some women believing that every man watches porn.

They absolutely don't. There are decent men out there who view women as human, not as consumables.

But I doubt he'll change so you need to decide if it is a deal breaker.

It would be for me.

My partner sends me links to porn he enjoys fairly often. It’s no big deal in our relationship.

The last one he sent gave us fresh ideas.

Grim

@SmokeyblueblackExactly that. I mean fact is most men do watch it, doesn’t make it ok though. Just feel like I’ve been sold a lie. Genuinely a great relationship everything I could ask for in a partner, never felt happiness like it. So excited to extend our family (I have a 4 year old from previous relationship who he took on like his own and is amazing with) and now this… just feel like I’ve had my happiness ripped away

Ok thanks for your input however your relationship is clearly different to mine and your values / beliefs could be any further from mine.

@Paperparadei know it’s not every man, it’s just the majority, it’s a sad world we live in that women are happy to objectify themselves and men are happy to pay into the industry. It’s completely brainwashing in my opinion and strange that it’s acceptable for young boys to consume and no one bats an eyelid, like it’s normal 😩

And that’s relevant to this thread how?

It isn’t 😂 seemed like a backhanded comment

Women watch it too.

@LollyLandalso fresh ideas? Why’s sex so constructed nowadays rather than natural. Don’t get me wrong I’d openly try any kink going I have no boundaries when it comes to sex but knowing my partner is sending me an idea he wants to try because he’s got off to watching another naked women do it, doesn’t sit right with me

Yes that’s a fact, any more fun facts today or?

It's unrealistic to think he will stop watching porn forever just because of a boundary.

My partner agreed not to watch porn and if i found out he was doing it behind my back i would be completely devastated, I'm so sorry OP, i have no advice but completely sympathise.

Ignore the irrelevant porn apologists on the thread!

For me it would be less about the porn (although I do feel similarly to you about it OP) and more about the lying. He's been dishonest by agreeing to a boundary he had no intention of respecting in the first place and then lied again when caught out and personally I can't bear lying. In addition he has watched the effect it had on you last time and chosen to do the thing that upset you so much again only 6 weeks later, which is unforgivable imo. So he doesn't respect your boundaries and he's actively choosing to do something he could very easily not do even though he knows it hurts you. I'm not sure how you get past that tbh, sorry OP

Ignore those telling you that it is fine, women do it, they do it, everyone does it. It is quite alright for you to have boundaries in your own relationship and he has betrayed those boundaries. I would be furious too. Basically it seemed that he lied just to keep you quiet. I am not sure I could get past that.

You say 'naked women', and a naked woman isn't porn.

If him looking at naked women or porn is a dealbreaker for you then I would start making plans to leave. I'm not sure what advice apart from that can be given under the circumstances.

OP I get that you don't like porn, I don't like it either and struggle to see what enjoyment anyone gets from it. However I think you need a bit of a reality check. Many men (and women) like porn, they like using it to masurbate and if their partner doesn't like it they won't stop using porn, they will start lying.
Only you can decide how much of a deal breaker this is for you. Realistically you can either compromise, or you can split up with your partner. Even as a fellow hater of porn, I'd find the latter a bit extreme if your partner is the otherwise good man and partner you say he is, especially given that you are about to have a baby together. Is there no compromise that can be made here - for example you stop trying to police and control him and he starts being a bit more discreet so you feel more respected?
Even in a relationship I believe each partner has a right to sexual privacy and a solo sex life that is not dictated by the other partner. Maybe just try a don't ask don't tell approach - but I suppose this is only going to work if you can stop obsessing about his use of porn. Do you really want porn to have this much influence over your life and happiness?
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy whatever you decide and please try not to let this make you ill x