Porn in relationships

[ggggrace]

Some people are ok with their partner watching porn. I’m not, me beliefs and values just means I don’t want my partner watching porn. We have a great sex like, almost everyday. Hundreds of videos / pictures we see very adventurous. Sorry for TMI! Before we got together I set that boundary and said this is something I feel strongly about is it going to be a problem, he’s watched porn regularly in the past when single and purchased the odd onlyfans video, not going to judge he was single. But I expressed what I want from a relationship and what I don’t want from a relationship before we got more serious which he understood and was fine with.

In the last 6 weeks he caught him twice, we had sex the night bedore, my son woke in the night and I fell asleep in his bed when getting him back to sleep. My partner’s alarm woke me up at 6am so I go in and he puts his phone down quickly, I look after he tried hiding it because I just knew and lo and behold naked women. Same happened yesterday morning. It’s like every chance he gets that I’m not there that’s what he’s doing. I’m very secure in my self I’m not perfect I know that but I know but I feel completely disrespected, both times it took him a good 20 minutes for him to tell me the truth and he lied until I got the truth out of him. I feel betrayed, disrespected, and tbh like he’s bored of me? He says he isn’t and that he doesn’t know why he did it but had said yes he was in the mood and searched it and regrets it. First occasion was hard I let it slide but 6 weeks later caught doing the same?

My mental health really spiralled after the first time 6 weeks ago as I’m 8 months pregnant. He saw me a complete mess and really upset and even though im not an insecure person it did make me feel insecure and i am now feeling insecure and just worthless tbh.

any advice? I’m not sure what I want to gain from posting here, just really hurt

Judgmental

I think it's unreasonable to compel another adult's behaviour in this way. I think you were unreasonable to ask him to not use porn. I think he was unreasonable to agree. I think he was unreasonable to watch porn after he had agreed not to. I think it was unreasonable of him to lie. I think it is unreasonable of you to allow his porn use to affect your self worth.

It would be a shame to throw away an otherwise solid relationship. Is there any way you can find together to work through this, use it as an opportunity to try to understand each other's views and increase the honesty between you? Realistically he's not going to stop watching porn. If it really is a deal breaker for you, that's it.

If my husband watched porn I'd leave him, I don't agree with it i personally think it's gross, he knows that and if he can't control his urges to please me then we shouldn't be together.

So glad someone who agrees, some of the other comments making me feel like I’m being unreasonable or like I have a completely unrealistic view on what love really is, I don’t understand how anyone would be happy to their partner getting off to the image of someone else, it takes that special intimate thing away from them seeing / having your body. Now I feel like I just sound stupid!

You definitely don't sound stupid, I completely get it. I'm not insecure, jealous etc. I just think it's down to respect. How is your husband getting off on another woman ok? Baffles me that people think it's normal, It definitely is not and you have every right to feel how you do!

I've just come out of a relationship that I believe was impacted by porn.

What's so sad is that this wouldn't even have been a thing 30 or so years ago. I remember at 17 finding my first boyfriends porn stash. A couple of magazines (well shared) some FHMs and 1 VHS tape. It didn't really bother me. I honestly think the world would be a better place without the internet.

Porn now is a completely different thing. It's consumed and accessed in a totally different way. It's become something quite different.
The variety, rapid changes of stimuli and instant access (no waiting for a tape to rewind these days) is something I don't think our brains are designed to cope with. Endless, ever changing moving or still images of literally anything you can want. Fucking dangerous.

OP, he's lied to you, so now that's your boundary, or not. If lying is a deal breaker, then he's gone.

It's ok to feel as you do. And you're not stupid for feeling it. How much have you explored what feels wrong to you?
Getting off to the image of someone else is a farely wide concept. Is there a line for you? Is getting turned on watching a love scene in a TV programme ok? Is reading erotic fiction ok? Is looking at photos of naked people ok? Or pornographic art? Are the softer porn videos of the 70s ok? Are any of these things ok if the person isn't touching themself while consuming them?

Is this something you could talk about with your DP?

How are you so sure he doesn't? Why do think he should have to be controlled by what you want?
Respect for the other person's privacy and a degree of compromise are surely essential in any healthy long term relationship? To leave an otherwise "perfect" partner over this seems extreme. To blow up your whole life over occasional porn use, is to allow it a degree of importance it doesn't merit.
However the partner of a person who really hates porn ought to at least be making an effort to be discreet.

Boundaries are for ourselves and not others. You don’t like porn, so you don’t want porn. You want a partner who doesn’t. However, we can only say what we want from people, we cannot force them to change, and if someone wants to do something with their own body - if it’s legal - then they are well within their rights.

You have outlined behaviour you’re not comfortable with in a relationship. Your partner clearly isn’t willing to not watch porn, so you either leave or you revisit what your boundaries are.

you may find you’re able to stay but you need to attend couples therapy, or for your partner to only watch it at certain times or in certain places.

I hate modern online porn. It's degrading and disgusting, depicting women as receptors for male degradation and abuse as mainstream.

In addition, it's absolutely known that there are videos taken without consent of all parties, of rape and trafficked women. Anyone who regularly watches online porn WILL be watching this content, knowingly or unknowingly.

Ethically, that is unconscionable.

I would not have sex with a man who regularly viewed online porn. I'd rather be single and rely on toys than subject myself to that.

Read this out to my husband and he laughed.

Sometimes, the oppressed are their own worst enemies.

You can draw the line wherever you want.

But practically, he's shown you he won't stick to his word over this - so what now?

It's either a battlefield, or it's a dealbreaker, or it's toleration.

The only thing I would advise is not to choose the battlefield.

What does 'hundred of pictures / videos we see very adventurous' mean?

Sorry quoted the wrong post.

That's nice. What does that have to do with the OP's situation?

And....?

She never said it affected her self worth. But now she's in a relationship with someone who has no problem lying to her and crossing boundaries that they agreed to. THAT'S the problem!

Just because you don't respect yourself enough to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't lie to you doesn't mean other women should lower their standards!

From the OPs first post:
"... i am now feeling insecure and just worthless tbh"

HTH

What on earth makes you think I accept lying in my relationship? My husband doesn't require to lie to me about porn use. I actually have no idea if he views porn or not because it is literally none of my business! I really don't like porn but then there are lots of things I don't like - red meat for example, but it doesn't mean that my husband of 30 years isn't allowed to like them.

My point with the OP was that if she stopped obsessing about porn use and desisted from trying to police and catch out her partner for only doing what the majority of men are doing she would probably be a lot happier. I think in any long term relationship there has to be some degree of live and let live and some respect for your partners privacy.

If however someone's preferences are an absolute deal breaker, then end the relationship. However breaking up over porn use when one is 8 months pregnant would not seem like a proportionate reaction to most people.

There are plenty of men who don’t watch porn. It’s insidious to suggest otherwise.

I agree. Most men, with any maturity, don’t need to watch porn. They’ve gone past that. 🙄🙄🙄

If it’s a dealbreaker for OP, then she needs to work out what she wants. 🤷‍♀️

I'm sewing you a rosette. Well done. 👍