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Original poster

Inappropriate conversation

29 replies

Carlacooker · 23/03/2025 15:39

Hi all, just need other's views. My (38F) partner (32M) have been together for 11 years. We have 3 children under 8.

It was my birthday a week ago and my partner treated me and our children to a fab day out and dinner. Afterwards, he asked me to sort some music on his phone. A message popped up while I was doing so and I saw it was another girl from his work. It sounded inappropriate and so I didn't mention it but checked later when he was in the shower. It's been playing on my mind since.

She told him she had a sex dream about him. I doubt she knew it was my birthday when she sent it but she shouldnt have sent it anyway. That seems inappropriate to send to a married person.

There aren't many messages between them and he isn't ever late home, guarded with his phone, etc. They only have each others numbers as they call for issues while at work. He is an attractive guy and I think he hasn't told me because he wants to protect me from worry. Also, I suppose telling me would sound egotistical. But it's been bothering me. He showed little interest and laughed it off in his response but I can't help but feel disrespected by this girl. I'm feeling quite angry and don't want to show it to him so I suppose I will keep an eye quietly but wondered whether anyone had experienced this before and whether there is any advice?
Has anyone had to make their presence known before? And most importantly, am I right to be annoyed by her? I see it as highly inappropriate and her trying to initiate something.

OP posts:
Radish81 · 23/03/2025 15:44

I can’t fathom why you didn’t raise it with him when out the shower

are you sure he asked you to take his phone and add music? This is an anonymous chat forum…. So if you want genuine advice, best to be upfront

category12 · 23/03/2025 15:55

How are you intending to "make your presence known"?

It's doubtful she's unaware of you and the kids, isn't it?

It's his job to put in boundaries. What did he reply? He ought to be shutting her down on stuff like that. If they supposedly have to have contact because of work, I'd want him to suggest that sort of thing is all moved to a group work chat with other colleagues instead of individual messaging.

It's fair enough to be annoyed but be careful about marking your territory embarrassingly for everyone where it's his work.

Original poster
Carlacooker · 23/03/2025 15:55

Radish81 · 23/03/2025 15:44

I can’t fathom why you didn’t raise it with him when out the shower

are you sure he asked you to take his phone and add music? This is an anonymous chat forum…. So if you want genuine advice, best to be upfront

Because I didn't have his permission to check his phone. As far as i can tell, he hasn't done anything wrong. I am, and would look, terrible for snooping. Also, I have seen enough on here about acting too quickly. If there is something going on or something to come out of it, I don't want to lose any opportunity to find out subtly by asking him about it now.

I may be wrong though, is this something I should approach him about early doors? Also, it may be normal for colleagues to share such details? That's what I'm asking.

OP posts:
Radish81 · 23/03/2025 15:57

A message popped up while I was doing so and I saw it was another girl from his work. It sounded inappropriate and so I didn't mention it but checked later when he was in the shower. It's

oh so you did sneak back on when he was in the shower unbeknownst to him!

Radish81 · 23/03/2025 15:59

he received an inappropriate message

And you checked his phone on the sly to see what it said

but you haven’t been honest and said “look I saw x messaged you and I’m sorry but I checked and saw the insanely inappropriate msg she sent and now I’m worried about it, can we talk”

Radish81 · 23/03/2025 16:00

Generally people don’t message others about their sex dreams unless there’s something rumbling on or brewing

Maitri108 · 23/03/2025 16:05

You obviously don't trust him, is there history?

You'd know if something was going on by their messages. She shouldn't be telling him about sex dreams, that's inappropriate but there doesn't seem to be anything else saying he's having an affair.

Smokeyblueblack · 23/03/2025 16:20

You have been together for 11 years and share 3 children so I don't understand why you didn't raise the matter of the message with him at the time you saw it.

And of course it's not appropriate for his work colleague to be talking about sex with him: she must feel comfortable enough in her relationship with him to assume he would be happy to receive this message. And as a man in a committed relationship with you he should have shut her down immediately. If he didn't then he is showing he is happy to encourage her.

You really need to have a conversation with him about boundaries.

OchreRaven · 23/03/2025 16:20

She wants him. You don’t tell someone you had a sex dream about them unless you want them to know you think of them sexually and would be open to a sexual relationship. If your husband jokingly fobbed her off that’s a good sign nothing is going on.

However a boundary has been crossed and he has not made it clear that it’s not appropriate so she will continue.

A lot of people will say ‘trust him he's done nothing for you to question him and you’re the one that broke his trust by checking his messages.’ While this is true I think it’s a bit naive. The fact is you did see it and now you know. If you hold it inside it will drive you crazy. IMO it’s fair for you to check after you unintentionally saw a message that seemed inappropriate rather than speculating. However you could have told him at the time and asked to see it.

I would be upfront that you saw the message and you think it’s really inappropriate. Be clear you don’t suspect he’s cheating but you do expect him to be clear with his boundaries moving forward and if he is not you will assume that he wants her to pursue him.

In situations like this, where boundaries get crossed, things can escalate even if he doesn’t intend them to. And some damage can’t be undone. I would be clear about your expectations but you can’t control his behaviour. If he does cheat he was forewarned.

WinterSun20 · 23/03/2025 16:27

If it genuinely popped up as a message while you had permission to be on his phone, I'd just bring it up now. Just tell him you didn't want to raise it on your bday but in the days following you've reflected and it's niggled at you so you wanted to chat about it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/03/2025 16:28

You’ve been together since he was pretty young op. He’s now ‘tied down’ with three kids. Maybe the grass is a bit greener and more exciting. Doesn’t mean he has cheated - but it does mean he might, and it sounds like she’d be up for it (you don’t share sex dreams with colleagues, just sayin’). I’d be having a word sharpish, maybe just in general, about how things are…

ginasevern · 23/03/2025 17:09

No OP, you don't share sex dreams with colleagues (well, maybe with other close female colleagues). But not opposite sex colleagues, especially if they're the subject of the dream/fantasy and especially if they're married. She's crossed a line and your DH needs to stamp on it smartish - assuming this is a one sided issue and she hasn't got good reason to feel comfortable.

FarFromtheMadders · 23/03/2025 17:46

I cannot fathom any situation where this was a remotely appropriate thing to say of a colleague and frankly, I’d be thinking of reporting the behaviour if it happened to me.
If you don’t want him to know you snooped, I’d say to him ‘I saw a message pop up on my bday, didn’t want to raise it with you then but it’s been bothering me, what did it say’? If he lies about the content / deflects I’d then have my antenna firmly up. He may lie because he’s embarrassed - so I’d judge his reaction and prompt further if you think this is the case.

Foxlovesfruit · 23/03/2025 18:09

For this colleague to message your partner about a sex dream she had with him, suggests that they are possibly inappropriately close. It implies there is some sexual chemistry/flirting going off. Your partner could be completely innocent but this woman has seemingly got a vibe from him that it"s okay to send that message to him, which suggests he's flirty with her or at very least not putting her straight and telling her he's married.

I would not leave this, i'd have to say something.

glitterturd · 23/03/2025 18:32

What was his actual response to her?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 23/03/2025 20:22

The fact this woman feels it's ok to message him about her dream is worrying. It seems like it's not unusual for her and they've crossed a boundary already. They're colleagues??

I would be very wary about this. Any other messages between them?

So sorry your peace of mind has been rattled like this.

wrongthinker · 23/03/2025 20:27

Talk to him. Just be honest.

I think he needs to clearly shut down any further inappropriate contact from her and you need to see that he's done so.

If he is innocent in all this he will welcome your support.

suburberphobe · 23/03/2025 20:33

It was my birthday a week ago and my partner treated me and our children to a fab day out and dinner.

Would love a man like that as a solo mum....

Radish81 · 24/03/2025 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Carlacooker · 26/03/2025 09:55

Thank you for all the messages and advice guys. I really appreciate it. His response was along the lines of it being a nightmare.

However, since then he has asked to hear more so I'm quite concerned now. The conversation was brief and they haven't chatted since.

I believe she was making her move that day and unfortunately he has made the wrong choice in not only not shutting it down but encouraging it. I feel that an intervention from me would always have me wondering how it would have played out. Would it have just been a quick ego boost or lead to something more?

Is it enough at this stage to uproot everything? I'm aware he would be the one to have done that, not me. But if I see how it pans out I can get some proper evidence of wrong doing.

OP posts:
FarFromtheMadders · 26/03/2025 10:15

‘I feel that an intervention from me would always have me wondering how it would have played out’.

I wouldn’t be leaving it to chance - I’d nip this in the bud right now. You don’t need to wait for him to make further bad choices as the consequences for you and your family could be devastating. Yes he’s a grown man, but sometimes a reminder of what he’s got to loose at the cost of his ego and external validation, could stop this spiralling. If he’s determined to do this he will, but you don’t have to sit by and let it happen. These things can spiral quickly.

TheHerboriste · 26/03/2025 10:22

Snooping to me is more of a dealbreaker than cheating.

soarklyknobs · 26/03/2025 10:30

If a male colleague sent me a message like that to my personal phone, I’d be forwarding it onto HR for sexual harassment.

Just because the sexes are reversed, it doesn’t change that; unless your partner has encouraged it and doesn’t feel it’s sexual harassment because he likes it.

Tell him you’ve seen the messages and you want him to report her to HR to prevent this harassment continuing and see what he says. If he doesn’t like it/hasn’t encouraged that he should be fine with doing so.

333FionaG · 26/03/2025 10:36

She's behaving inappropriately, and she doesn't know that you and your partner aren't open and honest with each other about everything. I would encourage him to block her number, and maybe ask him to suggest to her that if she messages him again, about unrelated to work stuff, he will be informing their line manager.

Fortunypleatsingreen · 26/03/2025 10:55

And most importantly, am I right to be annoyed by her? I see it as highly inappropriate and her trying to initiate something.

Yes you are right to be annoyed and no this is not normal behaviour between colleagues. I don’t know why you would think it might be op?

It’s inappropriate on so many levels and extremely disrespectful of your marriage.

Also, I’m afraid I agree with others who say that in order for this woman to feel comfortable sending that message, then your dh has encouraged her in some way,

Also op, when you say, “He showed little interest and laughed it off in his response but I can't help but feel disrespected by this girl”, I don’t understand why you don’t feel disrespected by him as well?

He dismissed your very legitimate concerns and treated your understandable anxiety as a joke!

It’s hard to know what to do for the best - whether to wait and watch and be prepared to act if you catch him doing something inappropriate or whether to insist on a full and frank discussion.

I can understand your anger op but it should be directed at your dh! His actions, or lack of them, have put you in this doubting, suspicious, anxious place and it’s not on.

I don’t blame you one moment for snooping. Trust your instincts.