Broken, sad and scared

[Lottielou1021]

So broken and sad. A few weeks ago, my husband of nearly 19 years said he was going to leave and has to move on with his life. He is so bitter and resentful toward me about things that have happened over the duration of our relationship. Mainly little to no sex or affection on my part and taking a very sweet and adoring man for granted for many years.

I’ve taken complete accountability for my past misdeeds (no infidelity) and I’ve been working on being a better person overall and practicing nothing but kindness toward him. I’m currently treating to increase my libido (it’s working). He acknowledges my positive changes but says it’s too little too late. I have a history of reproductive issues and hormonal imbalance. I took steps in the past to address but nothing that worked and I didn’t pursue it like I should have at the time and fell back into the same patterns after “trying” multiple times to work on our relationship and then getting “comfortable” again.

This time is very different. I realize the critical nature of the situation this time (I’m such an ass for it taking this long to sink in). I’ve been doing more intensive HRT and doing pelvic floor therapy and I’ve scheduled an appointment with an acupuncturist who is supposedly very good with these issues. Im feeling my libido come back and started masturbating for the first time in many years).

We had been working on things since around Christmas when things took a bad turn over the last a few weeks ago. I had been respectful of giving him his space and had been doing well at maintaining a calm manner in our communications. The breaking point was a horrible argument in which he is accusing me of trying to manipulate him by trying to initiate sex after a previous argument (I didn’t really argue- I just sat and listened and acknowledged all the faults in our relationship and recognized that I had contributed to them). He got angrier and angrier as he spoke and I couldn’t stop myself from crying and crying and then sobbing. I assured him I was not trying to manipulate him (and I truly wasn’t even though I can see how it may have some across that way). This made him even more infuriated. He’s so angry at me and says I’ve hurt him beyond repair and he can’t open himself for me to hurt him again.

I don’t know how to convince him that this time is different (after all, why should he believe that?). I’m so lost and I feel so alone. We have two daughters who are going to be absolutely devastated if he leaves. I’m still standing steadfast by my commitment to work on our relationship even though he says he’s done. I’ve watched all the Marriage Helper videos on You Tube which give me hope he may come around if I practice time and consistency with positive changes. If I prove to him that I’m someone he wants to be around without pushing him or begging, maybe just maybe he will open up to allow me to show him that I can love him like he wants and has always deserves to be loved.

He acknowledged about a month ago that he was still in love with me but wishes he wasn’t and he also said he is just so angry at me because of how I’ve hurt him and he wishes he could get over it. He started seeing an individual therapist 2 weeks ago (refuses marriage therapy at this point) to address this and other issues related to untreated mental illness and childhood trauma. He’s also in what I believe to be a mid-life crisis, so it’s a perfect storm for turmoil.

he left then to go on two back to back work trips and said he would wait to get back to look for an apartment when he got back to see how we feel. While he was gone we talked and he expressed that he missed me and started sending fun, flirty texts instead of the sterile (ok’s) I had been getting from him. The day before he returned from his second trip he called to tell me he had thought long and hard and decided he wants to stay and work on things. I was so elated. However my happiness was short lived because after he came back, he started pulling away again and acting cold. We made it through our daughter’s 13th bday and then last week his college friend committed suicide. He’s continuing to pull away and last night he said he’s not sure he still wants to work on things. He said he doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore and that I hurt him so deeply he’s not sure he can ever get past it. He had told me when he started therapy that he needs to work through resentment and does met want to be angry at me. He won’t touch me and all flirty texts have stopped. He’s back to being cold as ice and it’s killing me. All I can do now is just work on myself and hope the change is enough to make him see I’ve made permanent changes.

Am I wrong to have false hope? I truly believe he doesn’t want to leave and that he still loves me, but I’m afraid it’s gone past the point of no return. Any words of assurance would be so comforting because I’m a complete and utter mess and I don’t know how I’m going to face this alone with no family.

You don't actually say what you've done to hurt him over the years?

You talk about the libido issue but then you mention misdeeds.

We can't really advise you without knowing what his concerns are? are they justified or is he just done with the marriage and using them as an excuse?

His live language is physical touch, and I showed very little to no physical affection to him over the years including living in a sexless marriage on and off for about 10 years of our marriage. He said he felt like I was repulsed by him for most of our marriage. There are other qualms he’s had with me over the years (like apparently I used to ask him about his job when we first got married which he hated but I convinced him to stay because we needed the income). He says I hung having kids over his head saying that if he left his job we’d have to wait 3 more years (when I knew having a child was important to him). Waking him up at night when I’d stay up later and he’d have to be at work early. there are other things as well. I have owned up to all my misdeeds and when I found out how much he had been hurt by my actions I corrected them. Some of this stuff happened and was corrected more than 10 years ago. It’s not an excuse but I do think much of the things I did was due to my immaturity at the time— things I’d never do now. He admits that he was always a person throughout our marriage who would just push stuff down and not talk about it and just hope it would get better so I was never aware of how deeply some of the things I did had affected him until just recently when he started working on himself and opening up. Almost everything (besides the sex) was corrected over the years as soon as he expressed how much it bothered him. Stuff I’ve apologized for over and over and corrected he continues to bring up and hold over my head. He has done a lot to hurt me as well over the years as but I’ve always forgiven and moved forward. He admits he is stuck in the past and needs to get over resentments if we ever have a chance of moving forward. Another thing I wanted to mention is he has some pretty serious traumas from his childhood that I think are affecting him and he is putting blanket blame on me for all his trauma. I begged him for many years to get therapy for his childhood trauma but he refused. Now I’m being blamed for everything and he doesn’t acknowledge that any of his childhood trauma could have attributed to his brokenness as he calls it.

"Stuff I’ve apologized for over and over and corrected he continues to bring up and hold over my head. He has done a lot to hurt me as well over the years as but I’ve always forgiven and moved forward."

The word 'corrected' jumped out at me here. I'm not sure what I'm meaning except I feel like there's some manipulation going on here.

Hopefully he will keep up with the therapy and dig down to the historical stuff and realise how this dictates maybe his need to be overly in control of the relationship?

It sounds like all the blame and work to fix your marriage is down to you in his eyes. I find it hard to believe he isn't partly to blame to. It isn't fair for you to have to shoulder all of it. You've had difficulties with your libido which happens to a lot of women. I don't think you should be prostrating yourself trying to make everything right for him. He needs to put some effort in too. It sounds like he can't be bothered and just wants to blame you for his wanting to leave the marriage. The things you've mentioned don't sound like ' misdeeds' to me. Has he met someone else?

I just meant by “corrected” that when he would bring things to my attention that bothered him (like coming in the bedroom at night when he was asleep) I would stop those behaviors. A lot of stuff he never expressed to me how much it bothered him so I wasn’t able to address the problems because I wasn’t aware how much it hurt him. Or, he would yell at me over things which would make me in turn be defensive. He just recently opened up and started effectively communicating with me. Throughout our marriage I begged him to discuss things with me but he would go into another room and stew for awhile then come out and say it’s all good now but we never discussed and resolved issues over the years so things have festered inside of him until they reached a boiling point.

Sosoftandfluffycat Maybe I’m naive but I honestly do not believe there is anyone else. You are correct that he is putting all of the blame on me (although when he’s rehashing the past over and over he will say “I realize I haven’t been perfect” but it’s almost like a footnote). Im just not willing to give up yet and things feel like they’re at a critical juncture so I’m trying to avoid conflict as much as possible.

What are you getting out of this relationship now with him?.

Would you want either of your dds as adults to be in such a marriage?. What are they learning from you two about relationships here?.

I realise you do not want to give up but I feel you’re flogging a dead horse here because your h is not taking any responsibility for his actions nor is he actively addressing his issues. You cannot be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works.

The thing that has ruined your marriage is his lack of communication. From what you have said he had no reason not to communicate with you. When he bought up issues in a calm and respectful way you listened and changed.

People do fall out of love, and lack of intimacy will have impacted his feelings. Sometimes once you have moved on emotionally it’s hard to go back.

To be honest, I think you should do a 180. Don’t plead or ask him to work on the marriage. Accept what he has said. Don’t be cold but show him how things will be if he leaves. Take the kids out yourself for a day trip, go out for a drink with a friend, take up a new hobby. He needs a shock to see what his life will be without you. You can’t live with this constant threat over your head. If it doesn’t affect him to see you moving on, then your marriage can’t be saved.

It sounds like you're making a doormat of yourself and he's walking all over you tbh.

I think you should stop with all the self-recrimination. You are basically begging him to stay no matter how he treats you.

Honestly I think your passive acceptance of everything he throws at you will just shore up his resentment and bitterness and make him despise you, instead of him being appeased and grateful for your efforts.

I would lay good money on him having another woman in the picture. Just the behaviours he is showing of monstrifying you.

I guess I’m foolishly hoping that if we can get our marriage back from the brink and then can finally both address our issues and really make our marriage a good one going forward ( if only he’d let go of the past). I agree it’s not a great example for my girls. We try to put on a good face for the kids but there’s definitely tension in our house, so not good and not sustainable for them. My babies are everything to me and my oldest is so upset at the thought of our family splitting up and the thought of losing half the time I have left with them just breaks my heart into a million pieces.

OP, the picture you are painting is not of a “sweet and adoring” man at all. It sounds as if he’s treated you badly for years- “correcting” you for things like coming into the bedroom and holding these tiny irritations (which we all have and are part of life) over you, so that you now believe that you’re to blame for everything that has gone wrong. Frankly, it sounds abusive. I imagine he wants to avoid couples therapy because bringing a 3rd party in will expose this.

OchreRaven I agree with everything you said. I think I will do a 180 at this point because obviously what I’ve been doing has not been working. I agree the lack of communication/bad communication on his part is a huge factor in the break down of our marriage.

And yes, I’m making a doormat of myself. I guess I’m just scared of losing my family and I’ve been focused on desperately trying to do everything in my own power to save it.

I think there is something in the first post: “Too Little Too Late”. That just rubs salt in the wound he wasn’t worth making the effort for, until you might lose out too.

It’s obvious you really don’t get how hurtful that is, which says you never really valued him as a person that much.

I don’t know if the renewed efforts will make him stay, but ask yourself if he moved out, would you continue with these changes.

There may now be another woman, or one waiting in the wings, but he will definitely frame it as a symptom of a failed marriage rather than a cause.

And none of that is to disagree with any of the other posters: what are you getting from this relationship? was his behaviour conducive to a happy marriage?

It really does sound like he is done, tbh.

BrownPapery You are right. In fact I met with a divorce attorney a couple of weeks ago as a preemptive measure and the first thing she said to me was most people don’t recognize when they’re being emotionally abused. I’ve talked to my therapist about this as well and she definitely feels he isn’t currently the sweet kind man I’m remembering (I assure you though he has been sweet and kind in the past), but I haven’t seen that side of him in a long time.

And I just x-posted with your last message.

I really feel for you, you sound so unhappy. I’m glad that you’re open to the idea that this isn’t all your fault or your problem to fix. Honestly I think you would end up happier out of what sounds like quite a toxic relationship, even if it’s hard getting there. Have you thought through the practicalities at all? How old are your girls? Do you work?

What do you think he’d say if you just told him you agreed a split sounded for the best? At the moment he’s using threats of leaving to get you to comply with everything he wants.

Has he ever been physically violent? (Including to property.)

Yes, he says he’s worried my changes are fake and just to manipulate him. However I am making the effort for myself because if he doesn’t stay I need all the strength I can get. If becoming a better person from all of this is the outcome (even if he leaves), then not all is lost.

I’ve experienced something similar. My ex would accuse me of not being affectionate or interested in him enough (we didn’t live together and this was a 2 year relationship). The thing is I actually was the one who texted and communicated much more proactively and it shocked me anytime he would make those remarks. I was very much into him but short of fawning all over him 24/7 (which as a 50 year old woman I wasn’t going to do!) I didn’t seem able to convince him I was affectionate despite us having regular sex and always holding hands and just being generally physical with him. Honestly I felt gaslighted by him. Long story short we took a break and he would blow hot and cold re still wanting me. So we got back together but he I felt he still secretly begrudge me supposedly ‘hurting’ him and due to him never communicating what he was feeling in the moment but just blowing up out of the blue made me realise I had to just end it. Life is too short to be berated over something imaginary in a partners head. I realised that no matter what I did this for or with this man it would never be enough and it just scares me that I could end up doing something major like getting a house together (which he really wanted) but due to never knowing what he was really thinking could leave me in a very bad place. So with a heavy heart as in other ways he was absolutely gorgeous and generally good fun to be around, financially responsible etc. but for a single woman with no family/friends network dating someone not mentally stable is too much of a risk.

I’m sorry but I don’t agree with any of the above posters ! I lost my first marriage to a wonderful man because he just could t deal with the lack of sex .. I know it’s not ‘cool’ .. but ‘FUCK THAT’ you can persuade yourself seven ways till Sunday but if a relationship lacks sex then you are FLATMATES !!

Yes childbirth is off limits but don’t use it as an excuse.. unless of course you only wanted the baby (which to my mind is a valid choice) .. if you actually WANT the man then you need to get back to being a couple …

My girls are 13 and 5. No, he has never been physically violent. I’m not sure how he would react if I said that I agreed that a split would be best. I have actually thought about this but I guess I want my girls to know I tried to save our family and I don’t want him to be able to say I made the decision to split up our family - it’s very important to our 13-year old to keep our family together. I do work but he earns substantially more than me (hence partially due to all the cheerleading I did early on in his career even though he through his warped lens he characterizes it as nagging and harassing).

I'm so sorry, but he's rewritten your relationship so that it is all your fault to absolve himself of the guilt for deciding to end it. Sounds like your relationship is over. Think about what you need next, and do that. Stop trying to do just what he wants.

I had "he can’t open himself for me to hurt him again" too. Turns out my STBEX was having an emotional affair with his ex from 30 years ago, which swiftly became a full relationship the day he told me he wasn't happy. But according to him, it was all my fault because x,y,z, he was full of resentment, and he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't made him unhappy because I was so "wrong". Fuck that!

OP this doesn’t feel right. You are blaming yourself for everything. A relationship works both ways. What has he done to improve things? How has he communicated with you? Not very well from what you have wrote.

He’s putting the blame onto you - making you feel like it is something you have done wrong. This is abusive and gaslighting behaviour on his part.

Also you need to really think about whether he could be having an affair. It’s strange that he has changed his attitude a couple of times after coming back from being away on business trips.

I agree with you that we’re only flatmates if no sex. I do have a long history of endometriosis, and I’ve had three surgeries for uterine and ovarian cysts between the years of 2008 and 2018. I was also on an antidepressant for 10 years that, after the fact I realized, causes a huge decrease in libido. I’ve talked generally to my doctors over the years about the issue but I felt like none of them really took me seriously and frankly I didn’t push it as much as I should have. The person I began seeing this past fall checked my hormone levels and found that my testosterone levels were non existent. Since I’ve been using the testosterone cream my libido has increased greatly. We have had sex several times since my libido has reappeared but he says he feels angry at me because I could have addressed the issue long ago.

So-

If you change your behaviour to comply with his wishes, you’re doing it to manipulate him.

If you “fix” your libido with hormones and sleep with him, you’re to blame for not doing it sooner.

Sounds like you’re playing a rigged game, OP. Time to walk away.

What’s weird about the business trips is that when he’s gone and right after he comes back he misses me. He told me he’d never felt so lonely during the last week away and it made him realize that he doesn’t want to be without me. But then a couple of days after he returned he started with the cold stonewalling. When I asked him about why he started acting this way after he said he wanted to work on things, he said when he came back and saw me it made him mad because he remembered how I’d tormented him all those years. My therapist was taken aback by him calling me his tormentor and she has unofficially diagnosed him with victim mentality and I think it’s extremely accurate. It’s always someone else who wrongs him - his childhood bullies, his dad, his mom, his sister, me, any boss who’s ever been harsh with him, even some of his friends who he has also been isolating lately. As far as him having an in person affair partner when he’s in town (which is a majority of the time) he is ALWAYS here creating this miserable tension in our house. Not to say there’s not an emotional affair partner but I really don’t believe there is. Maybe I’m wrong though.