Broken, sad and scared

[Lottielou1021]

So broken and sad. A few weeks ago, my husband of nearly 19 years said he was going to leave and has to move on with his life. He is so bitter and resentful toward me about things that have happened over the duration of our relationship. Mainly little to no sex or affection on my part and taking a very sweet and adoring man for granted for many years.

I’ve taken complete accountability for my past misdeeds (no infidelity) and I’ve been working on being a better person overall and practicing nothing but kindness toward him. I’m currently treating to increase my libido (it’s working). He acknowledges my positive changes but says it’s too little too late. I have a history of reproductive issues and hormonal imbalance. I took steps in the past to address but nothing that worked and I didn’t pursue it like I should have at the time and fell back into the same patterns after “trying” multiple times to work on our relationship and then getting “comfortable” again.

This time is very different. I realize the critical nature of the situation this time (I’m such an ass for it taking this long to sink in). I’ve been doing more intensive HRT and doing pelvic floor therapy and I’ve scheduled an appointment with an acupuncturist who is supposedly very good with these issues. Im feeling my libido come back and started masturbating for the first time in many years).

We had been working on things since around Christmas when things took a bad turn over the last a few weeks ago. I had been respectful of giving him his space and had been doing well at maintaining a calm manner in our communications. The breaking point was a horrible argument in which he is accusing me of trying to manipulate him by trying to initiate sex after a previous argument (I didn’t really argue- I just sat and listened and acknowledged all the faults in our relationship and recognized that I had contributed to them). He got angrier and angrier as he spoke and I couldn’t stop myself from crying and crying and then sobbing. I assured him I was not trying to manipulate him (and I truly wasn’t even though I can see how it may have some across that way). This made him even more infuriated. He’s so angry at me and says I’ve hurt him beyond repair and he can’t open himself for me to hurt him again.

I don’t know how to convince him that this time is different (after all, why should he believe that?). I’m so lost and I feel so alone. We have two daughters who are going to be absolutely devastated if he leaves. I’m still standing steadfast by my commitment to work on our relationship even though he says he’s done. I’ve watched all the Marriage Helper videos on You Tube which give me hope he may come around if I practice time and consistency with positive changes. If I prove to him that I’m someone he wants to be around without pushing him or begging, maybe just maybe he will open up to allow me to show him that I can love him like he wants and has always deserves to be loved.

He acknowledged about a month ago that he was still in love with me but wishes he wasn’t and he also said he is just so angry at me because of how I’ve hurt him and he wishes he could get over it. He started seeing an individual therapist 2 weeks ago (refuses marriage therapy at this point) to address this and other issues related to untreated mental illness and childhood trauma. He’s also in what I believe to be a mid-life crisis, so it’s a perfect storm for turmoil.

he left then to go on two back to back work trips and said he would wait to get back to look for an apartment when he got back to see how we feel. While he was gone we talked and he expressed that he missed me and started sending fun, flirty texts instead of the sterile (ok’s) I had been getting from him. The day before he returned from his second trip he called to tell me he had thought long and hard and decided he wants to stay and work on things. I was so elated. However my happiness was short lived because after he came back, he started pulling away again and acting cold. We made it through our daughter’s 13th bday and then last week his college friend committed suicide. He’s continuing to pull away and last night he said he’s not sure he still wants to work on things. He said he doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore and that I hurt him so deeply he’s not sure he can ever get past it. He had told me when he started therapy that he needs to work through resentment and does met want to be angry at me. He won’t touch me and all flirty texts have stopped. He’s back to being cold as ice and it’s killing me. All I can do now is just work on myself and hope the change is enough to make him see I’ve made permanent changes.

Am I wrong to have false hope? I truly believe he doesn’t want to leave and that he still loves me, but I’m afraid it’s gone past the point of no return. Any words of assurance would be so comforting because I’m a complete and utter mess and I don’t know how I’m going to face this alone with no family.

BrownPapery Yep, damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

He's been in a celibate relationship for ten years and, feeling unloved and taken for granted, wants to end the relationship.

You're desperately trying to keep him by doing pelvic floor exercises and 'keeping calm' during arguments.

I'm assuming that he provides a good lifestyle for you and your children and you're now scrambling to maintain that lifestyle.

After nearly two decades he knows the lay of the land and knows any changes are superficial.

And he could have talked to you and been open and honest about his feelings long ago too. It's so wrong to be blaming everything on you now. It sounds like you've had quite a struggle with your health over the years which has naturally affected your libido. If I were you I would start to go about my life doing things I enjoy for myself and not being trying to constantly trying to placate him and make things right for him. If he wants the marriage to work he needs to do the work on himself and let go of resentments and see his part in all of it. Otherwise you're going to spend the rest of your life bowing down to him, you won't feel safe and happy. Make your own life.

I wouldn’t pander to his warped interpretation of how the last 10 years have been, especially as he is throwing back in your face all the efforts you have recently made to improve the lack of sex.
He seems to be ignoring all the gynaecological problems and operations you’ve had over this time… is that all your fault as well??

How he is treating you is making me so angry and I feel that you would have an happier life without him.
Let him get his apartment and make sure you get spousal and child maintenance from him, your Dd will get used to him not living with you and you will be able to at the least relax without constantly prostrating yourself in front of this man and maybe spread your wings and find yourself with a better life.

This

This reads like THE SCRIPT OP.
Rewriting the history, blaming, mind games, working away.
Men don’t leave unless they’ve got someone else lined up. Cherchez la famme

I think you should accept that it’s over. Take a step back and allow yourself time to grieve this loss. And you don’t need to blame yourself. You can reflect on it later, when your thoughts are less biased or manipulated.

The relationship is not a good one. It does need to end. You will find that the grieving process is helpful and will allow you to become a better version of yourself. There is life ahead of you. You might just find one day, that you’re much happier than you ever were with him.

I ended a long term relationship because I just felt constantly criticised. For years I'd taken the criticism and tried, like you, to 'do better' or 'correct' what he said was wrong with me, but in the end, when I said it was over because I was tired of constantly feeling like I wasn't making anyone happy, he U-turned. But for me, it was too late.

I was so surprised by how happy I was when I moved out. It was like a weight had lifted.

I'm just telling you this because it seems to me that you are carrying all the weight. Coming into the bedroom at night when he is asleep is not a major crime to hark back to - an adult would just tell the other partner that that is difficult for them, and the other adult would make other arrangements. It's part of settling down together, working out what works for you as a couple. It wouldn't be brought up years later!

Stop carrying the weight. Drop it. Then see what he does.

There is so much other stuff that has happened over the last several years that he just completely ignores. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in April 2021 and died three months later. This progressed my mother’s dementia to a point I had to admit her to a memory care facility (hardest day of my life). Then in 2022, I had to clean out and sell my childhood home which ripped out my heart. All this while still working full time and doing the majority of taking care of two children. Then in 2023 my birth mother passed away from a sudden illness (I’d known her for 29 years and we had a close relationship). It’s just been one thing after the other. He was “there” during all this but frankly I felt more support through these things that I did from him.

If I’m being kind, I’m going to say he is missing the family, and the image he holds in his head. Probably quite similar to the one you have and are desperately chasing and trying to save.

And then he comes back home, reality hits, with all the resentment, the little daily annoyances.

That is if that’s the only thing going on.

fwiw I’m currently working on childhood trauma etc… myself. Yes it can have a huge impact on the way you communicate. Including on NOT communicating your needs!
It’s a long slog though. And you still need to want to change the way you are.
There is little in what you’re describing showing HE wants to change.

I would definitively tell him that you feel, to save the marriage, BOTH OF YOU need to change. In particular, in the way youre communicating.
And id remind him that stonewalling and/or being cold isnt an appropriate way to communicate. if he has something to say, he needs to say so. Not being a grump and hope youll guess

You are not giving up on your marriage by accepting how he feels. He feels the marriage is over. He’s not going to try and fix it because in his mind you broke it so you fix it. That’s not how things work with a relationship. His victim mentality and lack of communication is equally responsible as the lack of intimacy. As pp have said you are now in a lose lose situation where whatever you do will be wrong. From what I can see, there are a few scenarios.

1. He enjoys seeing you scramble to make him happy and he can be the victim and it’s all about him. He will continue to do this and make your life miserable.
2. He wants someone else. He’s either lined them up or already started an affair. He wants to make you the bad guy to appease his guilt.
3. He’s deeply depressed and is blaming all his negative feelings and insecurities on you because it’s easier than accepting they are his problems.

Either way I would make it clear how you feel about him but tell him you accept his decision and will begin to build a life without him.

To an abuser it’s always everyone else’s fault except their own. It’s not your fault nor your kids that he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

And abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of. It’s about power and control.

Maybe all of the above. I lean more toward three. He has some f-ed up stuff in his life from his childhood that he has never addressed and has always refused to address. His family growing up was completely dysfunctional. He has been depressed for years and has diagnosed OCD on top of it all. My therapist said she feels like he has very low self esteem and it bothers him because I don’t. As much as it sounds like I’m a doormat I am really just doing that in a situational sense and I really do have self worth and respect. Anytime I try to point out any of his faults he gets completely defensive and shuts down.

Two things stand out to me op:

• one is that you have done most of the childcare despite you both working ft
• the second is that he is somehow setting the agenda, blowing which way or that, and you are constantly having to adapt and almost chase

Looking at this from an objective perspective, it all sounds exhausting and I would simply stop trying to play the game any more op.

Have some confidence in yourself and tell him straight that you have accepted the part you played in the marriage faltering, are working on those issues, and it’s time he did the same.

There isn’t one marriage in existence where only one person is at fault.

He let you down badly by not contributing fully with child and household tasks and then didn’t accept responsibility when you were too tired for sex.

Tell him perhaps you should spend some time apart and that you need a rest from all of the dramatics. And tell him to make his mind up whether he is in or out, but you will not accept any more blowing hot or cold.

Also op, recognise that you have as much agency in all of this as he does. Why is he making all of the decisions about your future unilaterally? Are you sure you want to stay with him for the right reasons? Financial security and the happiness of your dc are important but you have to be happy too; you will not be doing your dc any favours if you are worn down and in a constant state of anxiety over your relationship. Apart from anything, that won’t be setting a good example for them at all about what a happy supportive relationship looks like.

If he is saying it’s all too late then don’t chase him. Let him go away and decide one way or another. Just stop the pursuit, gather your self respect and keep your chin up, and make your mind up independently too.

The world is a harsh place nowadays. You don’t need this much unhappiness going on at home too.

This makes a lot of sense as to why, when you are offering sex he is even more upset about it. It’s not the act he is craving but rather the feeling of being desired and being desirable.

He has low self worth so he wants you to give him validation. The problem is now he has given you an ultimatum (improve sex life or he’s out) he can’t get that validation because in his mind you are only doing it to stay in the marriage not because you desire him. That makes him feel worse.

It may help to explain that your low libido was hormonal not because you didn’t find him attractive. Make him really understand. But ultimately he won’t be happy if he has to look outside himself for validation. If he can’t do the work to fix it, your life will be miserable. He’s giving you an out, so maybe it’s your chance to take it.

Wow that’s an incredibly insightful post by OchreRaven

Wow. Sounds like you're having to do all the work here. Dancing to his tune.

Please stop being so bloody grateful to him when he changes his mind and says he wants to be with you.

He's playing games with you and your dcs.

How about you try to imagine a life where you're not constantly trying to please him and make him happy?

Wouldn't that be great?

I'd let him go. Actually, I'd make him go. It just sounds awful, the whole scenario. And he sounds like a petulant spoiled brat, blaming everyone else for his life.

It's not your job to make him happy. It's his.

This is very insightful.

I could be the husband in this story, I suffered childhood trauma as a result of neglect by an emotionally unavailable mother.
In this situation the child suffers a wound to their psyche and 'Repetition Compulsion' causes them to recreate the same type of relationship as an adult, ie seeking out someone who is emotionally/sexually unavailable.

I suspect he will blame himself for not being able to satisfy you as being the reason for the decade without sex so re-iterating that it was caused by hormones, and not his fault, will help.
I can understand his suspicion that this is just an act you are putting on if it coincides with his threat to leave.
It will be hard for him to understand why you can do it now but not for the 10 dry years.

Just a final point, he may have suffered dissociation as a result of his trauma and sex may be the only time he actually feels connected with his body and his psyche and therefore sex is much more powerful and addictive and important than it is for 'normal' people.

I have explained to him about the hormonal issues and that the low libido was not because of him. His self esteem is so low he doesn’t believe me.

OP, sorry, he's having an affair. He's blaming you and refusing to work on any of his behaviours, while letting you run around desperately trying to get him to pick you.

He comes back to you when his OW doesn't want him or in order to make her jealous. It's called triangulation and it's a brutal tactic.

See a solicitor and make sure you and the kids don't lose out financially. Then cut him loose.

first thing is that he’s fallen out of love. You won’t change that, certainly not by being a doormat.
you’re both having therapy. You’ve both got issues that need resolving.
So I think he should go - give each other some head space to try to heal, then maybe with a little space and time you might decide that actually you should be together. But I’m afraid that you’ve both dug yourselves into a deep hole and that neither of you is able to really see a way ahead right now.
Split - heal - review.

He’s managed to, wrongly, convince you that all the mistakes and wrongdoing are your fault, and he’s got you begging and leaping through insane hoops in an attempt to please.

What a manipulative piece of shit your H is.

Oh tell him to fuck off and grow up.
It's not all your fault.